The door rattled on its hinges as Bakugo slammed a fist against it. He yelled incoherently through the wood between them but all that reached Izuku's ears were the reverberations of his low tone. The words were white blurs of broken sentences that his exhausted mind couldn't hope to piece together.
Judging from the warmth spreading over his bare arms and shoulders, it had to be dawn. He had made small alterations to his room and home such as that help him in various ways. For example keeping the curtains open to allow the sun to beam in at morning, and it did help that is was currently summer.
Bakugo's voice called again, this time louder and angrier but again was silent to Midoriya. He simply laid there, eyes open and unfocused, staring at whatever was in front of him. He'd stayed like this for more than a good few hours, simply staring. Unmoving. What else was he supposed to do? He could hardly fall back into a pleasant slumber after such a panicking and petrifying moment. Every time his eyes closed, although it didn't change what Izuku saw, he felt indescribable terror. He trembled with the sickening inclination of fear, of grief, of worry. And the little amount of sleep he did manage to get were plagued with nightmares. Nightmares of falling or of dying. Nightmares of all the horrors he'd witnessed as a pro hero. Nightmares of guilts he could never let go of.
Izuku's eyes began to water with the need to blink. He'd been frozen for so long that he almost appeared dead. Maybe that would be better. At least if he were dead he wouldn't have to worry about being blind anymore.
And then returned that sick churn. That wave of suffocation that drowned him and threw him about like he were in a washing machine. That immediate crescendo of destruction that settled into his system and drove him far beyond madness.
In a panic he jumped up, grabbing at his chest when his heart pounded so fast he thought he was going to die again. His head spun at the sudden action which only worsened the situation.
"St-stop...stop it, please," he pleaded in a whisper. Begging anything that could possibly hear him. But it was only wishful thinking that it would even make any slightest difference at all. He was so distraught and desperate at this point that he'd take anything he could get. Just the slightest slither of light peering through that black, black ocean.
Izuku stumbled over with shaking legs to the bathroom, the intense urge to throw up building up in the back of his throat. He searched for the sink, gripping the cool porcelain surface until his knuckles turned white.
"Come on, Izuku, get it together," he spoke out into the blindingly white bathroom, facing the mirror hung above; casting the image of a person that could no longer be associated with Midoriya. No, Midoriya was happy, smiling, cheerful, beaming; not broken, bruised, bleeding like a disguarded ragdoll.
"Something, just any-fucking-thing, I don't care. Just take me out of this perpetual night...please."
He didn't really know why he was still doing this. This morning routine of his, staring blankly at the mirror in the hope that maybe this time he'd be fixed. He'd be cured. He wouldn't have to suffer anymore. Because it hurt. God does it fucking hurt. It bleeds and burns like ashes.
He placed a trembling hand up against the reflective glass, able to feel it at every point it connected to his skin, able to imagine in very intricate detail the replication of himself staring back. So much so it almost felt like he could still see, but then he'd blink and it'd all fade away faster than he could reach out to grab it.
"Anything..."
But alas, the world doesn't work like that. It doesn't make anything easy for anyone.
In frustration, tears fell from his hopeless eyes, blank and dulled from that last ounce of optimism now wasted. He clenched his jaw, slamming a fist into the mirror, hearing it shatter beneath the unexpectedly powerful force. He felt his quirk activate on impact, the shards slashing open his bruised skin as he clawed a fist around them. The rhythmic drip of blood was the only sound to fill the room, Izuku frozen with a raging unacceptance that this was it. That this was his life from now on. That he was stuck in this darkness. He knew from the doctors that this was irreversible but there was still that slight inclination of hopefulness.
He'd been born quirkless and managed to overcome that giant hurdle when it seemed impossible. But he supposed that such a dramatic change and setback couldn't happen and be fixed twice.
"Can I...be a hero too?"
Izuku found himself yet again asking that same question from seventeen years ago, but the answer was still just as vague as before. If not more so.
"Oi, dumbass, where the fuck are the plates?" Bakugo shouted from where Izuku could only assume to be the kitchen. A rattling of dishes followed and Midoriya was brought back to reality. He quickly wiped away his tears, cleaned off the blood, washed his face, readjusting every little detail so that Katsuki wouldn't suspect a thing. But it was hard to tell if he'd done a good enough job when he couldn't even see.
It had to be close to the afternoon by now and Izuku's stomach growled as he tidied his room before helping Bakugo locate what he needed.
"Sorry, Kacchan, what did you need?" He asked him, tugging at his own shirt sleeves. Stood once again in the other's presence brought back the cold memories of last night. He tried pushing them away for both their sake's. The last thing he wanted was to have yet another argument.
"Fucking took you long enough," the blonde mumbled in return, to which Izuku rolled his eyes. "I can't find anything, it's all over the place."
Izuku sighed heavily, annoyed by his roommate's childish behaviour but proceeded to help him out. "It isn't all over the place you just have to look properly," he spoke, retrieving plates for the both of them before walking toward the fridge to find yet another meal to microwave.
"Now I know why they don't sell those things anymore, they're all right here," Bakugo frowned, staring at the selection of ready meals, which seemed to be every one possible.
"Well when I was a hero—"
Am, I am a hero.
"—When I was...working still...I never got the time to cook dinner or breakfast or lunch. I was out working the whole day, so I could only get something fast to take with me."
"You know it isn't healthy to have those things everyday right?"
"What? No, it's fine, it's just like when my mother makes me dinner...except—"
"Except it's boring, dull and gross," Katsuki retorted, wrinkling his nose in disgust. "They taste crap compared to the real thing. You can't be a hero and stay in shape by eating garbage."
"My mother used to send me fresh cooked dinner before," Izuku objected, though it was a weak argument. "But if she continued to do that, villains would know where she and I live."
"You still need your mom to cook your food? What are you, six?"
"Wha-I-No, I just like her food, is that so bad?"
"You don't know how to cook do you?"
When Izuku stayed silent, the blonde felt himself smiling in disbelief. "Jeez, Deku, is there anything you can do?"
"Be the number one hero," Izuku retorted angrily.
"Of Japan."
"What's that supposed to mean."
"It means, Deku," Katsuki continued, leaning back on the counter. "That you aren't the only one who made it to number one. I got there too: number one pro-hero in the U.S.A."
Izuku's eyes widened in shock and a hint of awe. "America? What were you doing there? Is...Is that where you've been for the past six years?"
And Bakugo was almost going to tell him. Tell him everything and give the explanation that he probably owed him but was too petty to ever acknowledge that. No, Bakugo thought that information was none of Izuku's business; and quite frankly...he wasn't ready to admit to the truth as to why he left. It still left a sour taste in his mouth and brought back feelings he never wanted to experience again. The fear and grief and remorse of a helpless sixteen year old kid.
"No, fuck off."
Although Midoriya wasn't hurt by his words, he still flinched back at the sudden harsh tone. Once again he saw just how easily, effortlessly even, the blonde could change his demeanour. It was a switch. And it both annoyed and puzzled the greenette simultaneously. It almost felt like the moment Izuku seemed to manage to coax a little more of his true self, Bakugo completely shut him out.
Not that Izuku cared whether or not Bakugo let him in, in the first place. They've never really spoken to each other about their feelings in the past, so why start now? Their relationship was more than damaged, broken and burnt...so why was there that inclination of need to restore it?
"Look, I'm going to make something actually edible for lunch, so be useful for once in your life and wash these goddamn potatoes."
Izuku silently obliged, brushing his hand up against the food in the fridge to help himself locate them. He shivered as the action froze his hand solid, retrieving the potatoes to prepare them for whatever meal Katsuki had in his chaotic mind. He placed them upon the chopping board and washed them, hearing the sound of a knife snap against plastic signalling Katsuki was also cutting up something to add.
"I thought you were blind, not stupid," he spoke bleakly. "Roll your sleeves, dumbass. They're going to get soaked again."
Oh shit.
Izuku froze at the instructions, realising that he couldn't do that or else...Bakugo would see something Izuku did not want him to. He'd already seen him have yet another panic attack the other night. What more was there for him to find out? The thought of him knowing the truth made Izuku sick with dread and anxiety.
He couldn't do it, he couldn't let him see –
"Still doing that mumbling shit, too? God you're still just as annoying as ever."
He felt a hand at his wrist and all that fear came crashing down on him. He jerked back violently, out of Katsuki's hold, his heart pounding out of his chest. Faster and faster –
"Whoa, what the hell has gotten into you?"
"Nothing...Nothing...I...I...forgot I have to do something."
He turned on his heel, ready to burst through his bedroom and hide away forever, but an arm prevented him from doing so; Katsuki's hands pressed up against the wall behind him, caging him in.
"Like hell, why are you being so suspicious?"
"Just leave me alone, Kacchan, I really have to go."
God he had to get away, fast.
"Bullshit, tell me what the fuck is going on with you."
"Really?!" Izuku snapped suddenly, his voice trembling and betraying all the emotions he was trying so desperately to hide. "Cut the crap, you don't care about what's going on. You didn't care then or ever! So just do me a favour and leave me alone!"
"You're right, I don't care, but it's so annoying when you're constantly sulking!"
"Sulking, really? Well wouldn't you be just a little upset if you suddenly woke up one day but there is nothing there! What do you expect, huh? What do you want from me? You want me to pretend that none of this ever happened? Merrily skipping about – no! No, that's too bad...Do you have any idea how hard this is for me?! How would you feel if your world just suddenly turned cold and black?! How would you feel if you couldn't see anymore, you were ripped away from the world you loved?! How would you feel if the one thing you've worked your ass off to get is now all for nothing?!"
Izuku screamed. Physically screamed those words at Bakugo. All his pent up fury and grief unleashed at this point as he put out all his feelings into the open. His chest burned, throat stinging with the build up of tears that streamed down his face now. The corners of his lips trembled as he used his last amount of energy and pride to stop himself sobbing into Katsuki's arms. No, he didn't need him – didn't need comfort from him, no matter how much he was hurting right now. No matter how much he felt like he was constantly tearing himself apart in front of him and drove himself insane and was so fucking sick and tired of hurting again and again but couldn't do anything about that.
Bakugo stood there, at a loss for words.
What could he even say to that?
These two had known each other their whole lives, but this was the first time he's ever seen Izuku like this.
Izuku who is happy, annoyingly so, but still he was always happy. He made others too; he was smart, cheerful, lively, joyful. Anything...anything but this.
In all honesty, Katsuki was shocked. Taken aback. He'd never seen Izuku before looking so,
helpless
broken
destroyed.
It wasn't like him, at all. And seeing a completely different side to him was just as strange as it was terrifying. It reminded him of that day, six years ago, when he'd spilt his own feelings after All Might's retirement.
"You know, what? Forget it. I wouldn't expect you to understand this. How could you, when you've been handed everything in life?"
Now, that. That stung.
A fury built up within Katsuki at those poisonous words.
"Is that what you fucking think?! That I got everything handed to me?!"
Now of course Izuku didn't really believe in what he just said, but he was so, so angry and distraught that he yelled at him stupidly.
"Look, jackass, I wasn't born a quirkless reject like you, but that didn't mean I never had to work hard for anything! I worked my ass of trying to get into UA, trying to control my quirk, use it help me, use it to be the fucking best. And even after I had to work harder to get to the number one spot. Now I might not fucking know how you feel about losing your sight, but I know what it's like to hit rock bottom, too many times in fact. At least you had a mentor to help you figure everything out. I had to do that shit all by myself. At least you didn't lose your fucking mind over this job! At least you were told by All Might that you were worthy! That you could be a hero, rather than told you're like a villain, instead!"
"Well maybe that's because you act like one, Kacchan!"
Katsuki's face fell.
The instant those words left Izuku's mouth, he immediately regretted it, wishing he could go back in time and stop the moment before it ever happened. Oh no. He'd really done it now. He never meant for it to come out that way, or out at all. It wasn't what he thought about Katsuki, really. Sure he was annoying and an idiot and a bastard, but not a villain.
No, no, no. Nothing like that.
Katsuki took a step forward to Izuku, who heard him approach and shrank back for the fear he'd get blown up. But perhaps that would have been better than what he said after.
"Don't..." he began almost silently, his voice wavering slightly. Slightly.
"Don't you think I know that?"
No. Kacchan no, Izuku pleaded to himself. Please don't do that. Don't think that of yourself. You're so much more than that. Underneath all the scary and angry I know you're a good person, reaching for the same things I was.
But Izuku couldn't make himself say that. He couldn't say anything as Katsuki turned and walked away from him, leaving him feeling so guilty for an accident he didn't mean to cause.
~
After their argument, Katsuki had set up camp in his adopted room, locking himself away. Izuku cleaned up the kitchen, and without knowing how to cook anything considered edible, microwaved some lunch for Katsuki who he knew hadn't eaten lunch. Whether or not he'd eat it didn't matter as he set it down outside the door of his room, knocking to tell him he needed to eat something or he'd starve. Izuku himself settled for microwavable spaghetti.
He hadn't seen much of the blonde for the past few hours, neither did he check as to whether he accepted the food. Izuku could only mull over the words he'd said to him, regretting it more and more and more every single time.
"God Izuku why the hell would you say that to him," he frowned, sighing heavily as he rested his head on his arms. "I wouldn't be surprised if he walked out the door and left right now," he continued mumbling to himself. Speaking of which, he's quite surprised that Katsuki has even stayed this long. It's a little over a week now.
Izuku stifled a yawn, stretching his arms over his head in exhaustion. Yet even so, he couldn't bring himself to sleep. It's not like he could anyway. Besides, he didn't want to be plagued with nightmares once again. So he settled with sitting on the sofa and flicked on the tv. Although he couldn't see the remote, he could feel for the buttons and simply just listened to it.
He shivered as he sat down. While the summer days were warm, the nights would often be cold. The solution: a giant cosy blanket, which Izuku happened to possess. It was unfortunate, he was quite comfort and almost allowed himself to drift off, but...those dreams, those nightmares. He'd be screaming himself awake, thrashing about otherwise. It was best he try not to sleep. For the sake of everyone. He didn't want to disturb Katsuki either –
"What's going on?"
Izuku craned his neck to face the direction he heard the blonde's voice coming.
"Oh, sorry, Kacchan. Is it too loud, I can turn it off –?"
"Whatever, it's fine. Why the hell are you watching tv this late anyway?"
His voice was different. Quiet, hoarse, bare.
"Oh...nightmares. Ha, I bet I sound like a kid saying that, right?"
No, Katsuki thought silently. I get it. I know exactly what that's like.
"So I was going to listen to the tv to help pass the time."
"You're just going to sit there awake the whole night?"
"It's a better plan than screaming in my sleep."
Katsuki couldn't argue with that, it made perfect sense to him. He felt himself shrug, casting a glance to his room where he himself had actually been lying awake for the past couple hours, also unable to sleep. Also unable to rid himself of the nightmares.
If the two could ever put the effort into holding a decent conversation they might realise that they had more in common than they thought. They could even help each other. If they learned to put their differences aside for once. But that seemed quite unlikely.
"Move over."
"Hm?"
"You plan doesn't seem too crap, move. I can't sleep either..."
Izuku smiled, sliding over to the far corner of the sofa, feeling it budge when Katsuki sat on the other side.
"Are you cold? Do you want some of the blanket?"
Katsuki rolled his eyes but didn't refuse. "Fine, idiot."
Midoriya held it out for him, knowing when it left his hand that Katsuki had took it. He leant back into the cushions behind him, getting comfortable, which proved difficult on the smaller sized sofa. Katsuki's knee brushed up against his own, but the blonde made no effort to blow him to smithereens at the contact so Izuku supposed he was safe for now.
Without even realising it, his eyes soon began to close but the fear of nightmares didn't control him knowing there was someone right next to him. And the same applied to Katsuki, as he allowed himself to drift off into a fairly pleasant slumber for the first time in a long while.