"So we have a few options," Dr. Torres said.
She had returned after a few minutes, and thankfully, I had finished with my crying episode and was trying to be fine. Not going to lie though, the couple of painkillers I took when I was alone was helping.
"What are they?" I asked, keeping my voice steady.
"First, do you have any family?" Dr. Torres asked, "Doesn't need to be immediate or have custody of you or whatever."
I shook my head, "No."
"Okay, well then that really cut down on our options," Dr. Torres clasped her hands together.
"And leaves us with what?" I was hoping the leftover options weren't what I thought they would be.
"Calling DCFS?"
I was quick to shut that down.
"Absolutely not," I shook my head again. "No way, you may as well just throw me back onto the streets."
"What's wrong with DCFS?" Dr. Torres quirked an eyebrow, "I know you do hear of those stories but there are also some really good families. Families who are genuinely trying to help out the kids."
"It's not what's wrong with DCFS," I mumbled quietly.
Dr. Torres remained silent as she waited for me to continue with a deeper explanation.
I didn't want to though, because that would mean telling her a little bit too much about myself and I didn't want to do that.
It wasn't what was wrong with DCFS, it was what was wrong with me.
I thought Dr. Torres would go on talking, but she didn't. It was like she was waiting for me to explain, well, that probably was exactly what she was doing.
"Then what's wrong?" Dr. Torres finally broke the silence by asking.
I debated whether I should tell her or not. It could get me in trouble, lots and lots of trouble, but at this point, I was starting to wonder what the point of continuing to lie was.
"Stella?"
I was sick of it, and honestly, I wanted it to be over. I wanted this fake story to be done with.
"I'm hooked," I gushed out, "I'm hooked on painkillers."
There, the cat was out of the bag.
To say that Dr. Torres looked stunned would be like saying that Shaquille O'Neal was tall.
"DCFS isn't the problem," I went on, figuring that I should just keep talking to fill the awkward silence, "I'm the problem. Why would any foster family want me to join them? I'm better off by myself.
"So the painkillers we gave you," Dr. Torres seemed to have finally snapped out of her shock, "That couldn't have started it..."
I shook my head, "It wasn't them."
Dr. Torres nodded and I wasn't sure what to do so I nodded as well, even though I didn't exactly have a reason to be nodding.
"So how long have you been using?" Dr. Torres asked, her voice soft.
I bit my lip as I tried to remember the first time.
"A while...six months maybe?" I think that was right.
"And only painkillers?"
I nodded, "Yeah, only painkillers."
"How did you get them?" Dr. Torres asked, "Did you injure yourself and the doctor gave you some?"
Even though I was doing a pretty decent job at answering Dr. Torres's questions and answering them honestly, I didn't want to answer this one because it would lead to a certain topic.
A painful topic.
"Stella?"
"I don't really want to talk about it," I said tersely.
Dr. Torres nodded, "That's okay...yeah, that's definitely okay."
"Okay," I pursed my lips together, "So where do I go now?"
Apparently, Dr. Torres didn't have an answer to that because she didn't say anything and since I didn't know either, I kept quiet as well. This lead to the tense silence that ended up happening.
"You can stay with me," Dr. Torres suddenly blurted out.
"What?"
Today was like a roller-coaster, filled with unexpected dips and turns.
Dr. Torres nodded, "Yeah...me and my wife. We can help you, she's a doctor too."
"Does she work here?" I asked.
"She does actually, you've probably already met her," Dr. Torres told me which made me start thinking about who she could be talking about.
My eyes widened, "You're married to Dr. Kepner?"
"What?" Dr. Torres looked confused, "No, not Dr. Kepner. Dr. Robbins, I'm married to Dr. Robbins, as in the Head of Peds Dr. Robbins."
"Oh..." I nodded slowly, "Is that even legal though? For me to stay with you? I mean, don't get me wrong, it's incredibly kind of you to offer something like that."
Dr. Torres shrugged, "We'll think of it as a 'sleepover'."
"A 'sleepover'," I repeated.
"But Stella, we can only help you if you're willing to give up painkillers," Dr. Torres said seriously, "We can try and help you all we want but it's not going to go anywhere if you can't let us help you."
I knew that.
I knew that I could only get rid of my monster if I was willing to let it go.
And I wanted to, I did, but at the same time, I didn't.
"Stella?"
"Yeah," I looked up at her, "I want to get unhooked."
"Okay," Dr. Torres let out a breath, "That's good, that's a start."
I nodded, "So what now?"
"Well, we can probably keep you here until our shift ends, and then you'll come home with us," Dr. Torres told me, "But before all that, I have to run all that by Arizona."
"Oh! What are you going to run by me?"
Dr. Torres and I looked over at the door and standing there was the one and only Dr. Robbins.
"We were just talking about you," Dr. Torres exclaimed.
Dr. Robbins smiled, "So I heard. Now, what did you want to run by me?"
"How about I do run it by you out in the hall?" Dr. Torres stood up and started walking over to Dr. Robbins to escort her out.
"Why?" I asked, "It's not like I don't already know what you're going to tell her."
"What's going on?" Dr. Robbins asked, sounding confused even though the smile was still on her face.
Dr. Torres nodded, "Excuse us for a moment, Stella."
I wasn't sure why Dr. Torres had to go outside of the room to talk to Dr. Robbins but since it didn't really matter that much, I ignored it and just nodded back at her. It was oddly quiet though so I could make out bits and pieces of their conversation.
"Okay, so I may or may not have told her to come and stay with us when she gets discharged," Dr. Torres whispered.
"What? Why?" Dr. Robbins' voice boomed out and was quickly shushed by Dr. Torres.
After that, their voices dropped significantly and I couldn't make out anything but a few words that didn't sense out of context.
It took a few minutes but both doctors eventually returned.
Dr. Torres gave me a thumbs up and I knew that Dr. Robbins had approved the plan.
"So she knows?" I asked, "About me?"
My question didn't make much sense but Dr. Torres seemed to understand what I meant because she nodded in return.
"She does."
"You should have said something last time," Dr. Robbins said softly. Gently.
Too gently.
I shrugged, "I guess, yeah. Maybe I would have I had known I would have just ended up back here."
"Fair enough," Dr. Robbins smiled. "Alright, I have to check on the other patients and I have to scrub in on a surgery in about an hour but I'm sure I'll be in and out."
"Either way though, we'll both be here to discharge you at the end of our shift," Dr. Torres told me.
I nodded, "Okay..."
Dr. Torres and Dr. Robbins left the room, and I was alone once again in the hospital room. It was crazy to think about how many turns have happened these last few days.
First the bus I was on tipped over, and I was the only survivor.
Then, while in the hospital, I somehow managed to convince my mother to come and discharge me.
And now I was back, but after confessing my secret to Dr. Torres, I was now going to stay with her and Dr. Robbins and they were going to help me get clean.
I would have never thought in a million years that something like this would happen. I would even go out on a limb and say that things were going well. It was going perfectly.
An imperfect thing going perfectly.
I should have been full, content with what I had, but I wasn't.
As much as I hated it and felt guilty for wanting more, I couldn't help myself. It was only one thing that I still wanted though, and even though it was impossible to get, I couldn't help myself.
Stella.
If only Stella were here too.