Cavalier - James Vincent McMorrow
I remember my first love... I remember my first love.
ISABELLA
Telling Robert I was quitting the bookstore was heartbreaking.
The grief in his tired eyes and the sadness in his frail voice broke me even more... but my decision had been made final. As much as I wanted to stay there, I wouldn't. I couldn't... Memories of Harry were engraved into every nook and cranny of that small store. Everywhere I looked I saw him. I saw us. I saw all of the times we sat in the corner on an especially slow day reading, or when he'd make me laugh with his awful jokes and ridiculous puns.
Quitting was only part of the bigger plan. I knew what else had to be done. I had to go back home. No - I was going back home.
I could no longer stay in London. My work visa was soon to expire and I had to make a decision if I wanted to apply for renewal, or leave the country as a whole. No extra thought was needed. I already knew what I wanted to do... what I needed to do. I had to escape this place. I had to leave London's strong confines of misery and find solace somewhere else.
As much as I wanted to be done with New York, it was the only option I had. The only reason for me to stay in London was no longer here. He was gone leaving me with no other choice but to be be gone too.
When I called Natalia to tell her the news, she couldn't have been more thrilled. Yet soon enough the sheer excitement of her voice vanished. The broken tone of my own had given me away. I hated that I sounded so weak... completely broken and miserable. I hated that I wasn't strong enough. I always thought that I was. I always prided in the fact that I was independent and was searching for something more. But here I was, with no longer a sense of my old independency. The tragedy in it all was that it didn't matter anymore.
I was done finding myself. I was done trying to be someone I was not.
I was a spoiled bitch. I was a pathetic little girl who couldn't keep the one thing that was good in her life. I couldn't stand up for myself. I couldn't stand up for him. I took advantage of my parent's upbringing to gallivant into a foreign country for what... an adventure? What good was that? Neither did I find myself nor did I become adventurous. I only lost myself even more.
Who was I? I was a sad, lonely girl with a broken heart. I used Ty, I used Chase... I used Harry.
All I wanted was to crawl away and to forget about the world. I wanted to hide away from its cruel intentions and to never let it use me again. Vulnerability had stripped me down until I was nothing but a foolish soul, ignorant to the fortunates of this earth.
I have to leave. I needed to leave. I needed to get away from it all.
Natalia had begged for me to move in with her. She had found a small apartment in the city only a few blocks away from the NYU campus. She was still attending but had decided to switch majors. During her spring break, her and two of her closest friends decided they wanted to go to Nepal to volunteer with a care project. They had spent their time working in children's homes with special needs and others who had been suffering with malnutrition and AIDS. She had decided then and there that she wanted to switch into the nursing program. She claimed that she felt like working for television wasn't what she needed to be doing with her life. She wanted to be more involved - to make a difference.
I knew that moving back home would be a toxic decision. Nat explained that the situation between my parents only became worse after everything that went on between Ty, my father and Harry. Mother had filed for divorce, claiming that she could no longer be married to this man. I wasn't surprised. Love no longer lasted until eternity. I was a fool to think it did.
After my conversation ended with Natalia, I decided that I would be moving back to New York at the end of the week. The next day I quit my job at Hemingway Books and told the people at the publishing office I was stepping down. The next thing I had to do was something I had been dreading the most.
Jaz... I had been putting off telling her about my impending move. She had been nothing but patient and caring with me over the past two months.
I lay across my bed, holding my covers close to my chest. I am wrapped up in a cocoon, my safe haven of blankets and pillows. It's in between these sheets that I feel safe... protected... hidden from my forceful demons.
A soft knock sounds from the bedroom door. Meekly I uttered a small, "Come in."
Jaz opens the door slowly, her blonde hair hanging over her face as she looks down at whatever it was that she was holding. Chances are it was another tray of food. As much as I've told her that I'm not hungry, she kept on insisting that I ate.
"Toast," she tells me, gently placing the tray on my bedside table. She sits on the foot of my bed. her eyes focusing on her fingers. My eyes catch a glimmer of something...
"Jaz?"
She looks up, hesitation engraved over her features, "Yeah?"
"What's that?"
She looks down at her lap. Her hands closed into small fists against her thighs. She stretches her hands out, allowing the diamond to glisten under the afternoon sun. "Are you engaged?"
Nervously, she twiddles with the ring before she turns and faces me fully. "I am," she confirms, a small smile playing at her lips.
"Congratulations Jaz," I responded, truly happy for my friend but my deflated tone saying nothing of the sort. "Honest. That's amazing."
She moves over, bringing her hand to my outstretched palm. It was a beautiful, white gold ring with a round cut diamond in the centre. Smaller diamonds lined the edges encasing it. It was stunning ring. Showy, glamours... completely Jaz. I was happy for her.
"When did he propose?" I ask as I continue to look at her ring.
"Last night... I was going to tell you right away but I wasn't sure if you'd want to know. I just..." she stammers, her voice trailing off.
"Why weren't you sure if I'd want to know?"
"Well - you... I didn't want to hurt you. It's a bit like walking on egg shells around you. I didn't want to do something or say anything that would bring you more down. The last thing I needed to do was tell you about my engagement."
I didn't reply. I felt awful... guilty. I scratched the back of my neck, not knowing what else to do.
Jaz smiles over at me, rubbing her thumb over my knuckles.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?" I look at her, bewildered that she would apologize to me.
"You're sad. You're in such a bad place and here I am showing you my engagement ring. I'm sorry."
I shake my head, my eyes softening, "You should be celebrating."
"I am... we are. Actually - um, we're having an engagement party here at the flat this weekend. Is that alright? We can move it up to the rooftop if it's too overwhelming."
Anxiety washes over me, guilt piling up at the pit of my stomach. The timing of everything was awful... so awful.
"Jaz, I have to tell you something."
"What is it?"
I scratch the back of my neck, biting my lip quickly - a nervous habit. I think over every possible way that I can tell her without hurting her. I knew from the start that breaking the news to Jaz was going to be difficult, but never did I expect it to be like this. I never imagined that she would be getting engaged. I knew that they would eventually but why now? Why when Harry is still missing? Why when I couldn't be the friend that she needs during this time?
"My visa is ending soon," I begin slowly... words still formulating... processing.
"Okay."
"And I'm not renewing it. I'm going back home," I whisper, unable to meet her gaze.
She lets go of my hand, bringing it to her lap. With as much might as I could muster up, I meet her eyes. Her smile slowly fades and her forehead furrowing.
"You're moving back home," she repeats slowly, her tone hushed. "Izzy-"
"I can't be here anymore. It's too hard... I just... I can't do it," I breathe out, holding back a small cry.
"But - you have me. Running away from all of this isn't going to help you. You can't let Harry ruin everything that you've worked for here. You're stronger than that."
"There's too many memories here. Everywhere I look I see Harry and I just... I can't do it anymore. I can't... it hurts too much," I whimper, bringing my hands to my lips. I cover my eyes, my knees coming up to my chest.
"Oh Izzy," Jaz brings her arms around my shaking body, holding me to her chest. I bury my face into her shoulder, allowing the tears to fall. She rubs small circles against my back, whispering soothing words into my ear.
"Why does it still hurt so much? Why can't I let him go?"
She keeps rubbing my back, tightening her hold around me, "Sometimes it takes a bit longer to let go of your first love. But you will - in time love, you will."
"What if I don't want to... what if he was it for me?" I breathe out slowly.
"I don't know," she replies, her expression softening as she looks over me. "I don't know if Harry is the one... but if he is, then he should fight for you. He should be here fighting but he's not... and he's an arse for not doing that."
"I just... I need to go home. I need to get away from here."
A moment passes. My breathing begins to subside as I push the tears at bay.
"When do you leave?"
"My flight is Friday morning."
She inhales a sharp breath, "That's in two days."
"I know."
Bringing her hands to my own, she moves them to her lap. The coldness of her engagement ring brings a shiver to my spine. She murmurs a small sorry, before squeezing our intertwined hands. "I will help you pack, okay? And I... I can have Ben get any of your stuff from Harry's apartment."
I nod a small reply, completely forgetting about that.
My heart was heavy. As much as I felt like this was the right decision, it pained me to know who I'd be leaving behind. Jaz had become nothing but a second sister to me. I was always amazed by her warm nature and bubbly personality. She had this ability to make anyone feel welcomed. I envied her view of life. She didn't care about what others thought... what they said. She just died her. She was confident in who she was. I envied her.
"Thank you," I say, wrapping my arms around her.
She squeezes me back, whispering a small, "Always," in my ear.
-
Wine bottles were opened, sitting against the coffee table. I was wrapped up in a thin blanket, my hair pulled into a high bun. Jaz sits at the other side of the couch with a glass of merlot in hand. It was a quiet night. We drank wine as she forced me to eat a few crackers and cheese. We watched movies and she told me about her wedding plans. I listened as intently as I could, even though my mind was elsewhere.
It was our last night together. Boxes filled with some of my things from around our apartment lined against the wall, ready to be shipped back. There's this unsettling in my stomach. The nerves of a long flight back rustling inside. It was all unknown. Going back home... I knew it was the right choice. It was the only choice.
"How're you feeling?" She asks me, watching me carefully. Voice gentle as if not to break me further.
I shrug. I felt tipsy. It had been a while since I had drank this much.
"It'll be okay," she says reassuringly, nudging my foot with hers. Her eyes were glazed over - a result from too much wine.
"I hope."
"It will be."
"Unless my parents make me move back home... then it won't be," I joke, forcing a smile on my lips.
"Moving in with Nat will be good. I think you need to be with her right now. I think... I think it'll help, yeah?"
Jaz smiles up at me, reaching over to grab the half empty bottle of wine. She leans over, refilling my glass and topping up hers.
"It'll be better than living with my parents..." I mutter. Anything would be better than living with them right now. The toxic environment would only hurt me more.
Breakfast At Tiffany's plays on the television screen. One of my favourite movies. There was something so admirable about Holly Golightly. She was a carefree character. She had her struggles and her insecurities, but she fended for herself. She did what she could to survive. She had her quirks but she was herself.
"I think I'm going to go to bed," I later say. The movie wasn't finished yet, but I had enough. My head began to ache and my chest felt like it was contracting. I felt anxious.
"Oh," Jaz sits up from the couch, pulling her body up to her feet. "Already?"
"Yeah... I'm not... I'm tired."
She nods slowly, pulling me into her arms. "Get's some water first, yeah?"
"I will," I reply, walking over to the kitchen to grab a bottle from the fridge. "See you in the morning?"
"Bright and early," she says, smiling over at me. "Sleep well, Izzy."
"You too," I reply, walking towards the bedroom door. "Goodnight," I say one more time before shutting the door for the night.