"If you want to see better things in life...you have to forgive."
Better
bet·ter
/ˈbedər/
adjective
2.
partly or fully recovered from illness, injury, or mental stress; less unwell.
••••••
3 days later-Monica's home
Monica Pov
After the conversation with my mom. Ive been keeping myself in the dark and distancing myself from others. I haven't been to work in about three days. Malcom and Shay have been calling and I haven't been picking up.
As I was about to go into deep thought once more and cuddle up in my blanket I heard my name being shouted throughout the house
"Monica Noelle McKoy I know your ass in this house! Your car has not left the drive way In three days!" Shay yells as I heard her footsteps coming up the stairs
"Get up!"She yells as she snatched the covers off me and opened my blinds
"Damn Shay! Close the blinds!" I yelled as I put my hands over my face to block the sun
"No! I have been calling you for the past three days, and I even came to your house multiple times. I couldn't find your spare, so I called a locksmith and he let me in!." She says as she crossed her arms "What is going on Mo! And don't say nothing because I have not seen you like this since Dallas."
I looked Shay in the eyes and burst into tears. She got beside me on the bed and grabbed my head with one hand while the other rubbed my back
"I'm so tired Shay! I'm so fucking tired!" I yelled while sobbing harder into her arms as she grabbed me a little tighter
"I know Monica baby! But you have to at least talk to me so I can help. Trust me I told you I forever got you. Talk to me...please."Shay says as she grabbed my face and wiped my tears off my face
"She came by my house last night Shay....my only place I have peace."
"Monica who is she?"
"My mother."
"Wait....what! How does she know where you stay!"
"I don't know. When I feel like I'm somewhat done running from my past its shit like this that happens that makes me wanna continue to run."
"You can't run forever. There comes a point in your life you have to take a break and rest. Otherwise you're gonna keep running until you can't run no more." Shay grabbed my hands and I looked at her "You have to know when to stop Mo. Isolating yourself from the people that care about you and going into a depression is not the way to go."
"That's all I know."
"That's because you hold so much in. And in the past that was a way you used to cope your feelings. You're a grown woman now Monica. You have to find another way!"
"I don't know another way Shay! I'm not like you! I can't find another way and I'll be okay.This is all I know....this is all I know."
"You choose to know only that way. We're in a time now we have many different options." Shay grabbed my face with one hand "Trust me baby I know that way too. And regardless of many different ways I found...I'm human I still hurt."
"Here take this number."Shays says as she passed me a number
"What is this?"I asked in confusion
"It's a number to a therapist I go to every now then."
"So you think I'm crazy now?!"
"Did I say that...No I didn't. I clearly stated I go to her every now then."She says while rolling her eyes "Her name is Mrs.Leslie Blaine. She's amazing trust me. When there were times I felt I couldn't come confined you or I didn't want to overbear you with my problems I would go to her."
"Shay I'm scared you're the only person I come and talk to about everything....this is a complete stranger."
"Monica I'm not made of thick skin...sometimes what you're going through can stress me out. Not saying that doesn't mean to stop confining in me but sometimes it's overwhelming. She's obviously the one with the tough skin because she does this all the time." Shay says as she deeply sighed "it does not mean you're a crazy person or something is wrong with you. This can at least be a way you can stop running and learn to forgive.
"Okay I'll call her." I say as I grabbed the number and programmed it into my phone
"Okay after you go do that wash your ass....you stink!" Shay says as she grabbed her nose and pulled a spray out of her bag and started spraying
"Bitch forget you!" I say as I chuckled a little and grabbed my ringing phone
"It's Malcom."
"And you're telling me cause?"
" I haven't spoken to him in about three days. So what do I do now?"
"Answer you dummy! Just tell him you've been going through a lot and it has cause you to distance yourself from others."
"Okay...okay"
As I was about to answer the phone it stopped ringing and before I could press the call back button. He was already calling again. I deeply sighed and pressed the green button
"Hello"
"Monica! Hey are you okay?!"
"Yeah...no not really."
"What's wrong! I've tried calling and messaging you for days straight and I have not heard back from you. I was starting to get worried."
"I know I'm sorry. I've had a little situation going on and it cause me to react in a way that I distanced myself from others."
"Trust me Monica if you ever need anything or someone let me know. You may not know me as well but I'm here."
"Thank you!I really appreciate that Malcom."
"Anytime! I was calling to let you know I'll be in Atlanta next week and I was thinking maybe you could show me around a bit. But only if you don't mind I know you're going through a lot."
"Oh trust me I don't mind at all. It will actually relieve some stress and tension I've been feeling!And what's makes you wanna come to Atlanta?"
"Nosey all up in my business! Ha"
"Yeah just a little. Haha! But tell me I wanna know."
"My older brother actually lives down there and he's getting married to his high school sweetheart."
"Aww that is so sweet! I didn't know you had a brother."
"Yeah our conversation got cut short after what happen but that's okay. We will catch up next week."
"You're right about that. Listen I apologize for not texting or even calling during this time."
"Monica you're human same way I would feel pain and hurt you would too. Don't apologize for how you cope with things. But don't let it be a way to use forever! You hear me?"
"Yeah. Thank you Malcom. Ill see you next week."
"Alright beautiful! You have a good rest of your day."
"Bye"
Call ended
"Sooooooo" Shay says as she blinked her eyes and looked at me
"Girl you are so nosey!" I says as I laughed
"Yeah yeah...I'll be downstairs and ready to talk after you get out of the shower." She says as she got up and headed toward the door
"Okay." I say as I opened the bathroom door and went inside
As I was stripping naked my thoughts start to over cloud me. I know Shay and Malcom say don't use my coping method forever but when you grow up with barley no friends and no one. All you can learn is to isolate yourself and tend to go into the dark
Before I got into the shower I turned on Me,Myself and I by Beyonce
Me,Myself and I-Beyonce
All the ladies, if you feel me, help me sing it out
Ah, ah (there you go, trippin', everything is cool between us baby, I told you that)
(Out on the road with my people, just doin' what i gotta do) oh
See I been goin' on, the shit be goin' on, got to trust me ma
As I stepped into the shower the thoughts I had became so powerful I broke into tears. I slid down the shower and brought my knees to my chest and cried. As I though about everything that has happen in the past and even recent events
"You told me you weren't ready to fully commit. Then you turn around 3 months later to getting ready to commit to a marriage?! And on top of that to my sister?..."
"Larry McKoy is my father Malcom."
"You're gonna need me one day Monica."
"Noelle if you walk out that door and leave this home....don't come back or even call for nothing! You hear me?!"
". Stop trying to walk around with a smile on your face when deep down you're hurt!"
""No Mo that's not okay they could have at least came and spent an hour or even 30 minutes with you."
"You fucked that girl in my house Dallas!?"
Beyonce Me,Myslelf and I plays
You're so controlling, you say that you love me, but you don't
Your family told me one day I would see it on my own
"I don't wanna be here anymore Shay!"
"Why is he trying to ruin my life! I've left 2 years ago and he still is trying to run my life!"
Beyonce Me,Myself and I continues to play
I know that I will never disappoint myself
(I must have cried a thousand times)
If you cried a thousand times, ladies you will survive
(I can't regret time spent with you)
Yeah, you hurt me, but I learned a lot along the way
(So now I'm about to make it through)
I could see the sun shine if I got me, myself, and I
After the song ended I realize it was truly Me,Myself and I. There were times I had to fight by myself. As Shay always told to me I'm a warrior and soldier. I'll be damn if I continue to let myself down. It's time I fight and become a better me.
About 30 minutes passed by and I got out the shower and did my hygiene routine I usually do. Once I got dressed I walked downstairs to see a hungry Shay stuffing her mouth with pizza.
"You were taking long so I called and got some pizza delivered." She says as she took another bite and continued to watching BabyBoy that was playing on BET
I smiled and went into the kitchen to grab a slice of pepperoni pizza with a water to drink. I walked back into the living room and sat down beside Shay. Before I could get a good bite I felt eyes on me. When I turned to meet them it was Shay looking as if I should start talking now.
"Well it was late last night. Not even to long after I got home. She barged into my home and was saying nonsense." I say as I put the pizza back on the plate and used the paper towel to wipe my hands "Shay I...I was in shock. I mean I have not seen the two of them in 6 years and for her show up at my door as if I was going to run into her arms and show love. No! I'm hurt Shay."
"I'm hurt because I didn't have my mother to protect as she should while growing up. I've had nannies and shit take her spot when they did not have to."
"Lord knows when I'm blessed with my babygirl or boy I'm gonna be the best mother I can be!" I say while a stranded tear fell down my face
"Come here." Shay says as she grabbed me and hugged me
"That was a test of your faith and baby trust me you passed. You stronger than you think you are. Believe me she wanted a reaction out of you but she didn't get the one she wanted ."
"I need a minute I'll be back." I say as I got up and walked into the kitchen
When I made it into the kitchen I pulled out my phone and called the number Shay gave me
"Hello this is Mrs.Blaine therapy and healing office! You are talking to Kelly. How can I help you today!?" I heard a chirpy voice say
"Hi...my name is Monica and I would like to schedule a session with Mrs.Blaine."
"Alright hun! What day is convenient for you?"
"Does she have tomorrow open by any chance?"
"Yes she does! Will that be a 30 minute session or an hour?"
I thought about a 30 minute session but I have so much I need to let go.
"An hour session."
"Okay sweetie I'll send you a confirmation. Is this number okay to receive confirmation appointments?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Alright I'm sending you a confirmation now! Let me know if that time is okay."
Once she said that I got a message confirming my appointment and it was at 10:30 am to 11: 30 am
"Yes ma'am that will work!"
"Okay hun see you tomorrow! You have a good one." She says as she hung up
I sighed and looked up at the ceiling
This has to work God....it has to
••••••••
The Next 8:30 am
Beep beep beep beep
"I'm up I'm up!" I say as I leaned over and turned off my alarm
Today is the day I go and get the help I need. It's so much I've been holding in and I'm ready to let everything go.
I got up out of the bed and went into the closet to find something a little casual. My eyes set on an oversized white plunge tunic shirt and I grabbed a pair of High Waisted light wash mom jeans and grabbed a pair of white bamboo sandals to match. Afterwards I took out a bra and a pair of underwear to match
I went into the bathroom and turned on my shower. Before I undressed I turned on my shower playlist. The first song to play was Allure by Brent Faiyaz
Allure by Brent Faiyaz
Girl, when you wear them heels
It's like you're making a deal with the devil
You try to lure me in
I'm not ready to go
Girl, you be gettin' ran through
Poppin' in the morning
Girl, you be gettin' ran through
Poppin' in the early morning
Once I was completely undressed I hopped in and let the warm water run down my body.
I started to think about this therapy. And how this could be maybe a good and bad thing but I don't want to go into something with negative thoughts. So I choose to be positive about this whole thing
As 30 minutes passed I hopped out the shower and went to do my hygiene routine. Once I was done it was 9:15. I walked out of the bathroom into my bedroom and grabbed the Victoria Secrets velvet petals lotion and some deodorant. Once I put on my bra and panties I put some lotion into my hands and rubbed lotion all over my body. I took the deodorant and swiped a couple times under each arm
Once I was finished I got dressed and sprayed on the matching perfume. I fixed my hair up into a neat bun. Once I finished I grabbed everything I needed I walked out of the house and locked the door.
I got into my 2015 Audi R8 and pulled out my phone to put in the address to the therapist office. Once I was settled I pulled out of my driveway and followed the directions given to me.
••••••
10:28 am Blaines therapy and healing office
I finally made it to the place but before I came I stopped and grabbed breakfast from Chick-fil-A. As I walked in I saw a lady at the front desk. From memory I'm believing it's Kelly the lady I spoke with yesterday. I walked up to the front desk and she looked up at me and smiled
"Hi sweetie! How can I help you?"Kellys says with a bright smile
"Hi I'm Monica McKoy. I'm here for a 10:30 session with Mrs.Blaine." I say with a small smile
"Oh that's right okay let me call her up!" She says as she grabbed a phone beside her and dialed a number
"Hello" a faint voice says
"Your 10:30 is here ma'am."
"Send them up."
"Alright hun take that elevator right there and press the 2nd floor button and once you get off she should be waiting for you." Kelly says as she pointed to the elevator and smiled
"Thank you." I say as I made my over to the elevator and followed Kelly instructions.
Once I made it to the second floor I saw a figure with their legs crossed and their hands holding something . The ding of the elevator caught her attention
"Hello! You must be Monica?" She says as she stood up and extended her hand
"Yes ma'am. And you're Mrs.Blaine?" I asked as I accepted her hand gesture and she nodded in confirmation
"Here come on in sweetie and sit on that couch over there while I get everything ready." She says as I followed her into the office "Can I get you anything to drink water,coffee, or tea?" She asked me as I shook my head no
"Alright let's get started with the basics. This is your first session; therefore it's free. If you come again or become a regular. My 30 minute sessions are $110 and my 1 hour sessions are $130. Is that okay with you?"she asked me "If not I also offer payment plans."
"Yes ma'am. Trust me anything I can do to help myself get better I'm okay with." I say with a small smile
"Okay let's get started. What is your name?" She asked me
"Monica McKoy."
"Age?"
"I'm 24."
"First time at therapy?"
I looked up at her and sighed deeply
"Yes ma'am."
"Before we get fully started I want you know baby. Taking therapy or getting some sort of help does not mean you're crazy. It simply means you want to better yourself in life. Okay?" She says to me and I slightly smiled and nodded
"Okay let's get started with how was your childhood growing up?"
"Where do I start...very useless and not the best."
"I've heard good,bad and more but useless I've never heard. Can you elaborate more on why you think it was useless?"
"Well growing up my parents weren't very involved in my life. It was always nannies and maids. I only had one true friend and...I don't know." I saw while shrugging my shoulders and trying my best to explain
"That does not mean it was useless love. It simply means you were missing the main piece of the puzzle to your childhood. Which is your parents."
"If you could give me an emotion or even a word to describe the emotion right now what would you say?"
"Broken." I say as a tear shedded
"Broken?" She asked me and I nodded
"Not having my parents growing up, a failed relationship and more. Sometimes I catch myself putting others before me and even if I catch myself I still put them before me."
"You're not superwoman. You have to realize just as much as you help others pick up their pieces to put back together. At some point you have to stop and put your pieces back together. Otherwise there gonna continue to break into smaller pieces and you're gonna have a hard time putting them back together."
" I can tell you're a beautiful soul and you want to be there for others as much as you can, but sometimes it's best you have to let them learn and try to solve their own problems." She says to me as she crossed her leg over her other leg "I can also tell you have confined in one person your whole life. You have to know he or she are tired. They are tired of giving advice and you're not considering using it or even taking an action towards using it."
"Sometimes it feels like going to others is all we know when in reality we have to stop and try to solve things ourselves or even use the advice others have given us to try."
"When I look at you I see a beautiful black,strong and independent woman who has determination to go for anything in life. Along your path you've had challenges and even set backs. But there were times when you were alone and you had to overcome those things by yourself. When you saw you had a bit of help along the way you always used that piece of help to make your challenges and trials easy to overcome. Eventually the piece of help you use will not be there anymore and you're gonna have a hard time to adjust back into the doing it yourself life."
"You're saying all this Mrs.Blaine but what if I can't." I say while sobbing
"Can't is a nonexistent word. I've heard my 8 year old say she can't do a math problem and more. But she did not settle at can't. She tried every way by herself as she could but when she felt she had done everything and it still wasn't working. She asked for help.Monica you're saying you can't because as I mentioned before you've always had someone there to help. You've gotten so used to someone helping you that the independent person I saw is now a dependent person.
"They say we go through things in life to learn a lesson. I look at that message as a cliche. Because we can go through the same thing twice and make the same mistake we made the first time and so on." She says as she put down her notepad and came over to my side and grabbed my hands
"There is no such thing as can't sweetie. You have been through so much in life. I see a warrior. Your mind can say no and can't all day....but your heart says yes you can." She says as she pointed to my heart
"Thank you Mrs.Blaine so much." I say as I grabbed and hugged her tight
"You're very welcome sweetie. Now we have about 35 minutes left. We can continue to talk or you can leave early."
" I would like to use the rest of my 35 minutes please." I say with a weak smile
"Okay." She says as she patted my hand and smiled back
•••••••
35 minutes later
"Okay I'm gonna assign you some homework." She says as I chuckled
"Homework?" I asked in confusion
"Yes. Trust me these homework assignments I give can help maybe not a lot but it will get you thinking."She says as she finished writing on the paper and passed it to me
"I want you write down at least 10 accomplishments and you have the option to write down what goals or steps you took to accomplish them. I want you to write down at least 10 failures and you also have an option on to write down what steps you took for them to fail." She says as I looked confused more
"My failures?"
"If your accomplishments outweighs those failures. You are truly a warrior and you're a very strong woman. If those failures outweighs those accomplishments then baby you need to make a change in life." She says to me and I nodded in understanding what she was saying
"Okay you have a good one now and please Monica don't let this be a one time thing. Continue to better yourself beautiful." She says as she hugged me and I hugged her back
"Trust me I'll be back. Shay was right you are amazing. You're an Angel." I say she smiled and chuckled
"Shay as in Shayla Pierce?" She asked me and I nodded
"That girl is a character I always look forward to having her. And I'm gonna be looking forward to having you now."
"Yes ma'am. You have a good one. Thank you so much."
"No thanks needed sweetie." She says as I walked to the elevator and follows the same steps from earlier except I press the button for the first floor
As I stepped off the elevator I walked to the front desk
"Hey honey! So is this a one time thing or do you want to become a regular?" She asked me
"A regular."
"Okay so today's session is free. Next time you come depending on what sessions you choose a 30 minute $110 and 1 hour $130. We also have payment plans as well."
"Oh okay can I make an appointment for next Friday? If she has any openings."I say to her and she began to look on the computer
"Yes ma'am she does! What time and session would you like?"
"12:30 pm and an hour session."
"Okay I have locked you in. Ill see you a confirmation now. I'll see next Friday love." She says as she smiled
"Thank you I will see you also next Friday. You have a good one." I say as she smiled and waved bye to me
As I walked out of the office I heard Jill Scott Golden playing from this guy's radio who was chillin next door at the coffee shop
Jill Scott-Golden playing
I'm taking my freedom, pulling it off the shelf
Putting it on my chain, wearing it around my neck
I'm taking my freedom, putting it in my car
Wherever I choose to go it will take me far
I felt a bit of weight off of my shoulder. I felt like I could breath better than before. I felt like I could overcome so much. That 1 hour of me talking and venting felt so good to let out. Who knew I had so much build up and more. I'm happy Shay suggested this to me.
Livin' my life like its golden
Livin' my life like its golden
Livin' my life like its golden
Livin' my life like its golden
Livin' my life like its golden
I finally made it to my car and got inside. I cranked up my car to hear the radio as I started on my homework assignment. Jill Scott Golden continues to play
I'm holdin on to my freedom, can't take it from me
I was born into it, it comes naturally
I'm strumming my own freedom in the god in me
Reverence in his glory, hope he proud of me
"Okay Mo all you have to do is write down 10 accomplishments and failures."
Accomplishments
1.Own my own business
2.Became an RN
3.Own my own home and car
4.Financially stabled
5.Have a stronger relationship with God
6.Successful at 24
7.Enrolling into school to get my master's
8.healthy friendship
9.Good credit
10.Traveling More
Failures
1. Relationship with family/Ex
2.Loving Myself
3._____
4._____
5._____
6._____
7._____
8._____
9._____
10.____
As I looked over this list I saw how my accomplishments outweighed my failures. No matter how many times in life I felt I was a failure or worst. In reality I'm doing the damn thing and I'm honestly proud of my self.
I'm truly living my life like it's Golden.
————
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