Kenma's POV
"We've been making some very good progress lately Kozume!" It's been a little more than one week, three session to be exact, since Suzuki brought up my mother. Since then she hasn't really brought her up again, now we're focusing more on speech therapy. She said I was making good progress even though I felt like I wasn't moving forward at all. Sure I was making sounds but each time those words tried to form into sentence it's like I could feel my mother strangling me again. "I want you to try again, what sound does this letter make?"
"..." I gulped and tried to pronounce the letter on the flash card in front of me.
"That's alright take your time." Each time I tried to speak I could see her, standing in front of me. "Why don't you try closing your eyes." I did as instructed and it did help a bit, I didn't see my mother but that didn't stop the feeling of being strangled.
"...a..." It was barely above a whisper but I still made a sound, and Suzuki seemed extremely happy about that.
"Perfect!" She smiled widely at me and flicked over to the next card. She was treating me like a preschooler learning basic reading, but I suppose I sort of was a preschooler in this sense. Even less than that really, preschoolers can talk. She held up the next card, "What about this letter?" I closed by eyes again and took a deep breath.
"...b" Sometimes I can't even tell if I said anything or not, it's so quiet. If it wasn't for the burning in my throat I wouldn't have known a sound ever left my mouth.
Therapy today dragged on but eventually I made it through the whole alphabet and was allowed to leave. It's been like this for the past two sessions. We'd talk a bit about how things were going, she'd ask about Kuroo and his family, and then we'd go to the flash cards. This was the first time I was able to get through all of them.
"Hey how was it today?" My appointment got moved to a later time since it conflicted with Aoi-san's work, this allowed Kuroo to pick me up after each appointment. I enjoyed seeing him after these taxing sessions.
'It went ok I think.' Even though I felt like I made zero progress Suzuki and Aoi-san always acted like it was a big deal.
"Mom said you got through half of the flash cards on Tuesday, what about today?" He asked as we made our way to the car.
'I did them all.' He immediately stopped and a huge grin spread across his face. Kuroo threw his arms around me and hugged me, picking me up as well. He was hugging me so tightly I felt like I couldn't breath, but I enjoyed his hugs so I didn't say anything.
"Kenma that's so cool! I'm so proud!" He plopped me back down gently and grabbed my hand pulling me towards the car. Whenever we got in the car he always left me a second to say anything before we leave, once we hit the road he couldn't really watch he sign. I always used this time to say whatever was bothering me most but since this therapy session was pretty calm I just settled for something calm as well.
'Thanks for picking me up.'
"Today we're gonna start with some words and then move onto our talks afterwards," I began to dread Tuesday and Thursday specifically from 2:30 to 3:30. "Does that sound ok?" I nodded my head and she pulled out a different set of flash cards. "Can you repeat the word on this card?" I looked at the card, Kenma. Why does she want me to say my own name? I guess I gotta start somewhere although I'd much rather learn to say anyone else's name but whatever I guess.
"..k..e" I struggled to get the letters out of my mouth let alone connect them.
"Lets take it piece by piece." She turned to flash card back around, quickly wrote something, and then turned it back towards me. Ke-n-ma. She split my name up so I could take it a bit more slowly. "Try this."
"..ke..n" I gulped and took a shaky breath before continuing. "ke..n...ma." I got it out even though it barely sounded like my name, rather just a scratchy whisper of different sounds.
"Very good! Why don't we try to connect the n and the ke."
"ken...ma" This time it sounded a bit more like a name although still a pathetic excuse at a word if you ask me.
"Perfect!" She beamed and flipped over to the next card. I didn't think it was nearly close to perfect but go off I guess. "Let's try this one." Kuroo. I'd really like to be able to say his name, maybe by the end of the week I'd be able to.
"Ku..r..o..." I couldn't finish it, I feel like I'm letting him down even though he isn't even here. I can't even say his name.
"That's fine why don't you try to say Kuro instead, just for now." I was thankful she was dumbing it down for me, if I was gonna say anything right it would be this.
"...kuro..." I came out quietly, scratchy, and quickly but it was still one word. I looked up at Suzuki who seemed extremely excited, and when I say extremely I mean extremely. She was practically glowing.
We went on practicing word after word, but the only word I said fully so far was Kuro and door. Don't ask me why I don't really know it was just an easy word to say ok. About 30 minutes into our day she put the cards down and returned to her notepad.
"I understand this is a difficult topic," oh shit. "But it is something you will need to face if you want to speak again." Oh shit, oh shit, this is bad. "Can I ask you some questions about your mother Kozume?" I nodded, at the very least I was glad she always asked first and didn't just catch me off guard. "Do you remember how she looks?" This question again? I answered it routinely remembering what I said last time.
'She has long dark hair, she's in her 40s, and she ta-' I paused for a second remembering what Suzuki said last time. 'She a little taller than me.' She isn't some huge monster, she's just a women who's 5'7". She just a bad mom, like Kuroo said, she just took her anger out on me. I still can't stop wondering if I made her anger though.
"Good." She jotted down her notes like normally, everything was feeling a bit too routine lately. "What was her personality like?"
'She was mean and she got angry a lot but she acted nice outside.' While this answer was a bit different from last time it still held the same information.
"Do you know why your mother did what she did?" Huh? This was a new question. How was I suppose to know that. She looked me waiting for an answer, alright fine I'll think.... I made her mad. She did it cause she was mad at me, usually I'd fuck up in one way or another and make her mad.
'She was mad at me.' I answered refusing to look her in the eyes.
"And why was she mad?"
'I didn't behave.'
"Kozume do you believe this is your fault?" Do I? I mean I guess I had been thinking that but, hearing someone say it was just... Why did I think that though? I knew deep down I couldn't have done anything different yet I couldn't help but feel slightly responsible.
'I don't know.' I decided against tell her my true thoughts even though I'd probably help.
"Kozume your mother did what she did because she's an unstable women, it had nothing to do with your actions towards her." Right that's what Kuroo said as well, except a bit less robotic I guess. It wasn't my fault, this wasn't my fault. "Why don't we talk about Kuroo for a bit before we go back to your mother." I assume she noticed my attitude, I mean it was her job after all, and she always did her best to cheer me up if I was especially hard on myself. I was getting a bit more comfortable around her by the day. "You said Kuroo's been picking you up after our appointments, how does that make you feel?"
'Happy.' It's true, seeing him waiting for me and hearing him get excited about my progress really made my heart skip a beat. Driving home with him and listening to music I hadn't heard before but really liked, everything about it made me happy. Cuddling up to him at night and falling asleep, everything about him made me happy.
"How has your relationship been going with Kuroo?" I looked up at her and she looked at me with a smile. I felt kinda embarrassed talking about this but I guess I brought it on myself since I mentioned the whole soulmate thing on the first day. It isn't like she didn't support it or anything like that just talking about my romantic feelings with someone else made me uncomfortable.
'It's good.' I settled on something positive but still vague, she didn't get the hint I wanted to stop talking about it or maybe she did and just didn't care.
"What kind of things do you two do together when you go out?" I only noticed now but she didn't have her notepad, if she wasn't taking notes why was she asking me these things. Was she just genuinely interested?
'We went out to eat yesterday when he got back from school. Then we went to the arcade and came home and watched a movie.' I thought back to the day before smiling to myself at the thought of it all. I ended up falling asleep during that movie.
"That sounds very nice." She commented, still flashing a warm smile. I smiled at my hands still thinking about yesterday. "We have about 15 minutes left I just want to ask one more question about your mother, is that ok?" She asked picking up her notepad once more, here we go again. I nodded signaling it would be fine. "I suppose this isn't really a question but I want you to close your eyes." I did as I was told and closed my eyes slowly, allowing the black too over come my vision. "Now I want you to think about your mothers house." I appreciated her not calling it my house since I didn't call it that either. "Think about the night you left, how did you feel?"
'Scared. I tried to sneak out around 1 but she caught me and she-' Again, a shaky breath left my mouth and I tried to swallow my nerves away, it didn't work much. 'She... beat me with something metal I don't remember exactly.' It's true I actually didn't remember that very well, I think I blocked it out.
"When did you try again, to escape I mean?" When did I- oh right the next day just this time not 1 in the morning, more like 12 in the morning.
'The next day at around 12 in the morning.' That moment was very clear in my mind unlike the previous days memory.
"And what happened?" With my eyes still closed I could replay that moment easily.
'I ran for the door but she caught my shirt and I... I couldn't breath.' Just remembering this made me feel breathless again. 'I pulled her down and ran as fast as I could to the park.' I felt a hand on my shoulder and my eyes popped open immediately. I didn't realize I was shaking until now.
"Take a deep breath Kozume, can you do that for me?" Suzuki asked keeping both hands rested on my shoulder. I was able to and I began to calm down. "How did you feel when you reached Kuroo?"
'Safe.'
"Your moms court case is coming up soon, you're going to need to go back to her house and get your stuff by Sunday. I want you to think about how you felt with Kuroo in the park that day when you get close to the house. Can you try that for me?" She was speaking extra carefully now, maybe she thought I'd break like glass too. I nodded and she looked down at her watch. We said our good byes and I went to meet Kuroo like usual.
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Sorry for these longer chapters it's just easy to get through each therapy session in one chapter, I don't really want to split one session up between two chapters