My car made it back to the apartment. I was relieved it didn't break down on me. The way my luck had been going lately, I half expected to be stranded on the side of the road. When I thought about it, stranded on the side of the road would have been easier than finding out if Ezra was still at the apartment.
Could I even look him or Brynn in the eye after what just happened between Aiden and me?
When I stepped into the tiny apartment, Brynn and Ezra were sitting on the couch watching some cooking show. Brynn was laughing at the lady describing some local cuisine that looked like vomit topped with spray cheese. Ezra chuckled a bit, joining in when Brynn criticized the dish. He took his hand and pushed his hair off his forehead. He looked tired and worn but more beautiful than ever. Fuck, bringing him back here was a bad decision.
Before I could make another noise, he sensed me staring at him from the doorway and looked up. A little of the clouds that had been covering his eyes were starting to dissipate. Some of the flaming ice returned back to them, making him look more alive than I had seen him since he forced his way back into my life. He continued to stare at me like we were the only two people in the room.
"Hey girlie, how was the dress fitting?" Brynn asked when she realized I had just come in the door. She leaned over Ezra to get a better look at me. She was almost directly on top of him, which made me feel sick inside. She had no reason to be that close to him.
My mind jumped back to the incident at the bridal shop with Aiden. I was being such a hypocrite. Brynn wasn't allowed to lean in near Ezra in a friendly way, but it was totally fine for me to let her ex-boyfriend get off against me in a changing room.
"It was good. The dress was pretty." I said with my voice shaking. If I continued to talk about it, I would probably let it slip that Aiden was there too. I couldn't risk upsetting my best friend or the troubled boy who was struggling to hang on to himself.
"It's a bridesmaid's dress. They are all hideous," Brynn said, crinkling her nose.
"Yeah, but this one wasn't too bad."
Ezra stood up and stretched his arms over his head. His shirt rose up, exposing the music notes near his waistband. I wanted to move across the room and let my fingertips trace the small black shapes like I used to. He saw me watching him and smiled his devilish half-smile.
"You feel any better?" I asked him, making a poor attempt at small talk.
"A little." He said, biting at his lip ring. He took a step closer to me and my heart started pounding in my chest. I could feel my breathing change and the familiar flush began to creep over my skin. His chest was moving up and down with every deep, slow breath he took as he stared into my eyes from across the room.
We stood there awkwardly in silence for an eternity. The ache was too much to bear; the hurt was still too fresh. I wanted him in the worst way, but this damaged boy had hurt me more than anyone else ever could. It wasn't the kind of pain that could just fall away over time. It was the kind that carved itself into my bones. Every day the wounds would reopen and I would have to try to bandage them up so I could breathe again.
I almost forgot Brynn was there until she cleared her throat.
"I think I'm going to go out for a bit. I'll be back in a few hours." She stood up and walked by me, winking.
What did she think was going to happen if she left?
I almost begged her to stay as she went to go grab her purse off the hook on the wall. I looked at her, pleading for help, but she didn't catch the message. Our best friend telepathy was off today.
Brynn waved and shut the door behind her with a loud thud. It left Ezra and I standing there alone in the silent apartment.
"So." I said, trying to break the tension floating in the room. I bit my lip while I looked at him and tried to steady my breathing.
"Thanks for letting me crash here last night. I shouldn't have shown up to your work like that." He looked at me, studying my face.
Ezra stepped towards me and I stepped back from him at the same time. I needed to keep the distance between us. He didn't flinch or stop moving towards me when he saw me trying to retreat from him.
"I couldn't leave you out there like that." I ran my hand through my hair and it fell back into my face. In my head, I knew I should have left him stranded on the sidewalk. I should have walked away to let him clean up his own mess.
"I meant it when I said I missed you. I've thought about you every second since that night." He edged closer again. My guard flew up at the mention of the night that had sent my life spiraling out of control. Ezra had no right to tell me he missed me when he was the one who chose to leave in the first place. He struck a nerve.
"Did you?" I turned my head and narrowed my eyes at him. Hurt rolled off me in large waves. "Did you really think about me at all? Did you think about me when you abandoned me in the hospital?"
"Riley, I was in a terrible place when I left. We were in a car crash and you were in a hospital bed because of me. I didn't want to hurt you anymore. The only way to keep you safe was for me to go away." He said.
"But you did hurt me. You are still hurting me. You left me broken and bleeding. I lost a baby, Ezra. I felt like I lost my life when my baby died."
"Our baby." He corrected me as if it made any difference to the pain I was feeling inside.
"A baby you never wanted me to have!" I screamed back at him. Tears were rolling down my cheeks. My face was red with the anger I had been holding back for months.
"Do you think I did this on purpose?" He asked me.
"I don't know what to think anymore." I couldn't look at him. The thought had crossed my mind before. It was my darkest fear. I would never say it out loud. Speaking those words would breathe life into them, which would only cause more suffering.
"I made a mistake, a terrible mistake. It will haunt me until I die." He looked desperate as he tugged his hair at the roots with both hands.
"A mistake? "I laughed between sobs at the small word.
"Riley, I was messed up when I drove you home that night. I didn't know what I was doing when I made you get in that car. I love you and never meant for any of this to happen. You have to believe me."
I stepped forward and stuck my finger in his chest. He was towering over me menacingly like he wanted me to stand down. I wasn't going back down from him.
"You may not have done it on purpose, but you didn't give me a choice either. You chose to take whatever the hell you took that night and put the girl you said you 'loved' and your unborn baby in the car with you. You chose to drive too fast. You chose to leave me."
I pulled my finger back and my shoulders were trembling. My body began shaking. I had lost all control and couldn't catch my breath. I needed to breathe. My legs buckled and he caught me before I hit the floor. Tears and screams were ripping out from somewhere deep inside of me. I had been holding onto all these feelings for far too long.
Ezra pulled me into his lap and stroked my hair. I sobbed uncontrollably into his shoulder. I felt him whispering, trying to calm me down, but the words coming out of his mouth made no sense to my jumbled brain. My sadness bubbled up until it changed over to pure rage. I hated him for what he did to me. I hated him for hurting me and causing the emptiness inside. I hated him for coming back to me. Before I even realized it, my hands were clenched into fists and I was pounding them against his chest.
I tried to reach up to smack him across the face and dig my nails into him. Ezra grabbed my wrists and flipped me off his lap. He was so much stronger than I was. I couldn't break free from him if I tried. He pinned me hard against the ground, holding my hands down.
"Let go of me!" I kicked and screamed at him like a wild animal. I wanted to pull his stupid hair from his stupid head and tear open his flesh with my nails. He needed to hurt like I was hurting; he needed to feel the pain he had caused me.
"Riley, stop! What the hell are you doing?" Ezra said through clenched teeth. He had his weight against me as I continued to fight him with everything I had in me. "I love you."
"Stop it!" I screamed. "You don't get to say that to me anymore!"
I wiggled around and attempted to knee him, but he pinned my knee down with his. His other knee pushed my legs apart to separate them. He positioned himself against me so I wouldn't be able to try to kick at him again.
He leaned down, pressing the weight of his hips against me. "Riley, I love you. I would give anything to go back and undo what I did to you."
He leaned in and touched his lips softly to mine. My eyes closed when he pushed his tongue into my mouth. He was desperate for me to respond back to him. My body tried to betray me by shivering against him. He felt me move underneath him and moaned back into my mouth. I could feel him growing against me as he rocked his hips over me.
"No." I moaned softly, trying to persuade my body to stop responding to him just as much as I wanted him to stop touching me. Ezra overwhelmed my senses and my body always wanted him even when it shouldn't.
"I'm sorry. I am so sorry." He moved his mouth to my neck, biting and sucking at the skin under my jawline.
"Ezra. No." I said, trying to find my voice again.
But he didn't stop.
Ezra's body smothered mine, adding another deeper layer to the heavy grief that was already suffocating me.
"Ezra, I said no." My voice came out loud and clear this time.
Ezra pulled back from me and raised his body up a little to relieve the pressure. He looked me in the eye before leaning back up to move away from me. Confusion was plastered across his face. I was not looking at Ezra anymore. I was looking at the shell of the boy I thought I loved. I pulled myself up, wrapping my arms around my knees and brought them to my chest.
"Ezra, leave." I said much too softly.
"Riley, please. Don't make me go." He pleaded. His eyes were red and his face was filled with sorrow.
"Ezra, I hate you for what you did to me. I will never get over it." I tried to sound strong even though I was starting to fall apart inside. "Don't come back here; don't try to find me again."
"You don't mean that, Riley."
"I do. I hate you and I never want to see you again." I said, wiping the tears from my eyes.
"I'm not going to ever leave you." He said, trying to grab for me again.
I got up from the floor and ran to my room faster than I even knew was possible. I had to get myself somewhere safe. I slammed the door shut and locked it as fast as I could. The door was thin and if Ezra wanted in here bad enough, he could break it down effortlessly. I knew Ezra well enough to know he was not going to give up that easily.
He pounded on the door. "Please don't do this to me. We are supposed to be together, Riley and you know it. You belong to me. You will always be mine."
I sat on the bed, staring at the door. This had to be the end of us. We were done. I would not open that door for him and let him back in.
After minutes of pounding, I heard a loud crash from the living room, followed by something hitting the wall. The door opened and slammed shut. The apartment fell silent. I stayed in my room and fell asleep crying while I said goodbye to the blue-eyed boy with the dark hair.