"Can I ask why you're fidgety?"
"I'm nervous....nervous."
nerv·ous
/ˈnərvəs/
adjective
1.
easily agitated or alarmed; tending to be anxious; highly strung.
•••••
Sasha's Chicken and Waffles
Monica
"Monica are you okay boo?!"I heard Shay say as I snapped back into reality
"Y-yeah I'm fine....sorry." I say while looking down and trying to gather my thoughts
"Mo no you're not you literally went into shock.....and why are you so fidgety?"Shay asked me while a now concerned Malcom brought me another water
"Nervous that's all. I don't know why."
"Sorry if I frightened you with what I said"Malcom says as he put his hands into his pockets
"No its..."I stopped myself from continuing and sighed "I don't wanna talk about it right now, let's eat so we can hit up the outlet later." I say trying to make the situation go back normal
"Monica are you sure you're okay?" Malcom asked me with concern in his voice
"Yes I promise...thank you Malcom for the water."I say with a slight smile
"Hey can we get our food to go if that's okay?"Shay asked Des
"Absolutely I'll go do that now!"she says as she did a light jog to the back
"I'm here Monica I promise."Shay says as she leaned over and hugged me
••••••
As we headed to the outlet I went into a deep thought.
What was I nervous of. Was it the fact that the man whom I once loved and I would be under 24/7 is the same person I now see as a controlling and disgusting monster.
To know I once called myself a "daddy's girl" makes me sick to my stomach
Flashback-July 2010 ~Manhattan~
"Monica Noelle McKoy! Don't you dare walk out that door!" My father yells as I held my bags walking to the door
"And why should I not! You lied daddy! Our whole life is a lie. I saw you as my hero,a good guy and growing up all my life I looked to you as my knight and shiny armor. Who would protect his princess from anything."I screamed with tears coming down my face
"Monica baby I'm still the good man that you know I promise babygirl I did not do that!" He says as he moved towards me trying to hug me
"No don't you dare touch me you monster!" I yelled as I moved back a little from him
"So those girls are lying?! They're lying?! Dad you always told me if I'm telling the truth to look someone in the eye....you couldn't even look me in the eye and say that!"
"You're a disgusting monster. I hope you rot in hell." I say while rolling my suitcase to the door and my mother was standing by the door
"Noelle if you walk out that door and leave this home....don't come back or even call for nothing! You hear me?!"He says while pointing his finger at me with a few tears coming out of his eyes
"Oh trust me I won't! I'll literally jump off into the deep end before I ever do that."I say as I opened the door and walked out and never looked back
••••••
Miami outlets 2016~now~
"Hey Mo we're here."Shay says she nudged me a little
"Sorry I was in deep thought."I say as I was about to get out the car
"Wait Monica come here."Shay says she opened her arms and it felt like she knew what was next
"Why is he even down here Shay! What if he is still doing what he did back in Manhattan! I'm literally sick to my stomach right now!"
"Trust me Mo. Once we leave we will not have to come here again! This is our last day. Let's turn up and continue to try and make the best out of this day."Shay says as she rubbed my back
"Also baby girl the best we can do is get justice for those girls."Shay says and I felt hopeless
"Shay I'm not meaning to be a downer but he knows people in high places. Hell there were times I played with the governor's and mayor's kids growing up. That monster is powerful Shay." I say while taking a deep sigh
"But God is powerful."Shay says and I deeply sighed
"Hell you out of all people knew what he did when I moved on with my life.Thinking that was gonna be a way to get me to come back home. Because in his words "he's gonna destroy me"...My own damn father."
"My mother walks around here with her nose in the air like she does not know what he's doing. She is just as sick right along with him!" I say in a semi yelling voice
"Energy."Shay says while staring off into space a
little
en·er·gy
/ˈenərjē/
noun
1.
the strength and vitality required for sustained physical or mental activity.
"What?" I asked in confusion
"Energy....do not allow the Devil to steal your energy. He comes in ways to play mind games but baby that power and strength you have will override that. You wipe those tears and dust your hands off. You're strong and I know it...Now use that strength and let's go hurt some bank accounts and pockets." She says making me giggle and cracking a smile
"You're right Shay. You always know what to say in situations like these."I looked at her and smirked
"Well I guess I'm not so much of optimist after all."she says while wiggling her eyebrows and doing little shoulder dances
"Alright let's meet up with Malcom and Jermaine."
As we were walking towards the guys I saw a slight worried Malcom look my way
"Hey...how are you feeling?"
"I feel okay. Ready to go home and cuddle up in my own bed."I say with a smile
Silence fell among us after awhile
"Hey don't stress over it...you didn't know. When the right time comes I'll tell you everything but right it's not the time. We just met and we're getting to know each other. And I want us to have a good start." I say to him making him feel less tense
"I can breath then."he says chuckling "Well
I know you two don't have much time left so let's go and find some stores." He says as we all followed him inside
••••••••
1 hour later-Food court
"Of course not! What I look like letting a guy lick chocolate off my kitty. That can cause an infection."I say with a disgusted face
We were currently having some down time after shopping in almost every store
So we decided to have random conversations and just so happen we led into a kinky or what are your sexual desires type of conversation
"Girl I'm different like 2 chainz. Matter of fact tie me up and slap me on my ass and call me good sport. With the chocolate on my kitty."Shay says in all seriousness causing us to laugh
"Shay you still crazy as you was when we were kids." Jermaine says still laughing
"Never gone change."she says while sipping her lemonade from Chick-Fil-A
"Well sorry folks we have to get on the road." I say while Shay and I grabbed our bags and stood up
"Thank you for making my last day amazing."I say to Malcom giving him a quick hug
"No problem Monica. It was good meeting you. I had a great time with you in such a short time."
"Hopefully you can come down to Atlanta sometimes." I say to him as we walking towards the exit of the mall
"Mhmm maybe. Just have to wait and see.Also I can carry these to your car"he says as he grabbed the bags out of my hands and we kept walking
"Now that I think about it if Shay never begged me to go to Miami Beach who knows maybe we would have not met." I say with a discomfort look on my face
"I'll have thank Shay.Regardless fate was gonna bring us together eventually.Where did y'all go before the beach."he asked as we made it to my car and he placed the bags in my truck
"Don't laugh but we went to Hyde pool party."
"I said don't laugh."I said making him laugh harder
"Hyde beach pool party!! Come on now even people who don't live here know not to go to Hyde pool party. It's best to go at night it's worth the $20 dollars to spend then."he says with a slight smile on his face
"Well I know next time I might come down here."
"Oh so you're gonna come back huh?"he asked with his hands in both pockets
"Actually I don't know I have to think on it." I say remembering the information I was told earlier
"Oh that's right but please let me know when you make it home safely."
"I will you have a good one handsome." I say with a wink and walking towards the driver side
"You too beautiful! Bye Shay."
"Bye chocolate drop!!" Shay says while holding her body out the window and waving goodbye
ATL here I come
••••••
Atlanta Monica's home ~8:49 PM~
"It feel so good to be homeee." I yelled throughout the house when I walked in
I locked the door and dropped my bags by the door and plopped down on my couch feeling tired from the long drive from Miami
Soon as my eyes closed my phone started ringing. I just wanted to get some sleep is that too much to ask for.
Ring ring ring
When I looked at the caller ID it was Malcom
"Hello" I answered in a tired voice
"Hey Mo sorry to call late. I was making sure you got home safely." He says as I heard him moving around
"I did. I just got home about a minute or two ago."
The line went silent for a few due to me falling asleep
"Monica you there?"he asked and my eyes bucked open
"Oh my I'm sorry I fell asleep."
"I'll call you tomorrow when you wake up. Goodnight Monica."
"Goodnight Malcom."I say as I hung up
Just as I was about to close my eyes again I heard a knock at my door
"God wassup I just so happen to be famous today huh?"
Knock knock knock
"I'm coming give me just a minute please" I say as I stood up and walked towards the door
"Who is it!!"I yelled to the person on the other side of the door
Knock knock knock
About that time I grabbed my pink gun and eased to the door
"Alright I'm opening my door you got 3 seconds to say who you are 3..2..1"
I swung my door open with my gun aimed to the person on the other side of the door
"Monica Noelle put it down now young lady!"
"Mom! What are you doing here?And in Atlanta at that.How do you even know where I stay? " I asked her
"I came to see you and I have my ways."she says as she made her way into my home without permission
Same old Jessica McKoy
"I love what you done with your place. You're doing well for yourself I see Noelle"
"Jessica what are you doing here." I asked her in all seriousness
"Excuse me young lady. It's mom to you not Jessica"she says with her finger pointing to me while her purse hunged in her forearm
I rolled my eyes while crossing my arms making eye contact with her
When looking at my mom you see a beautiful chocolate woman with brown eyes. And when she smiles she has high cheeks. She kinda resemblances Sheryl Lee Ralph whom was the original Dreamgirl or many may know her as Dee from Moesha
"I can call you what I want. A mother is someone who nurtures,loves and protects her child. You're not a mother. You're a puppet to that husband of yours. You cared for him more than your own children!"
"Now you wait a minute Monica Noelle! I was the best damn mother ever! I've made sure your sister,brother and you were put in the best schools,have the best clothes,shoes and even made sure you were cloth and fed!''
"What about time mom?"I asked with tears whelming up in my eyes
time
/tīm/
verb
1.
plan, schedule, or arrange when (something) should happen or be done.
"Excuse me?"
"Time...all a child wants is for their mother or even father to show them an ounce of attention. Show them something that nobody else in this world could show the amount love that their mother or father has shown to them. Accessories and clothes I can outgrow but love mama I can't outgrow that. I wanted my mother.."
"You did have your mother Monica!"
"I had puppet for a mother. I've had a nanny,babysitter and much more! But a mother I've never had."
"Regardless of how you feel or what you say I'm your mother and I've did my best!"
"I've watched a dog give birth but that does not make it a mother Jessica."
"Get the hell out of my house. Now!" I say as I walked to the door with tears coming down my face
"You're gonna need me one day Monica."she says in a silent whisper and walked out the door
"I've went this far without you....trust me I don't need you."I say as I slammed the door in her face and locked it
I slid down my door crying and thinking how my mother and father has never been there for my siblings and I.
Flashback-Christmas ballet show-1997
5 year old Monica
"Okay Monica remember babygirl you can do anything you put your mind to. Okay?" Teresa my nanny says to me before I went on stage
"Where's mommy? She said she will be here since daddy can't."
"Oh baby she won't be able to make it tonight something came up."she says as I pouted a little
"Now presenting the nutcracker solo from our very own young swan....Monica Mckoyyy"
"You got this baby I'm right in the crowd watching."she says while kissing my forehead and afterwards I ran onto the stage to do start my solo
Flashback 2- April 14, 2006 Monica's 14th birthday
Young Joc-it's going down
Meet me in the trap its goin down
Meet me in the mall its goin down
Meet me in the club its goin down
Any where ya meet me guaranteed to go down
"Happy birthday Momo!"Shay says as she hugged me and gave me my gift
"Thank you boo! Where's Jermaine?"I asked her while looking around for him
"Oh I forgot to tell you. He moved yesterday to god knows where."she says with sadness
"Aww man I'm gonna miss lil Bobby brown." I say as we laughed
"Where's Dallas?." She asked
"Girl over there playing basketball with the guys."I say and she nodded
"Hey where's your parents?"Shay asked as she looked around
"Working as usual." I say while rolling my eyes and putting the gift she gave me on the gift table
"Really on your 14th birthday?! That's not okay!"
"I'm used to it it's fine." I say with a shrug
"No Mo that's not okay they could have at least came and spent an hour or even 30 minutes with you."
"Well we all know how they are about now."I say while shrugging once more
"Hey baby it's time to sing happy birthday." Ms.Teresa says as she came and got me
"But my parents aren't here."
"They're working Mo."she says with a weak smile
"They're always working."I say as I walked over to my cake
After everyone sung happy birthday I had to make wish
"Mask a wish Monica." Ms.Teresa says to me
I leaned over and closed my eyes
"I wish my parents were here." I say to myself and blowed my candles out
Although everyone was cheering and happy. I was the only one down and sad on my birthday at that.
Flashback 3-July 2010-Manhattan
"Ms.Teresa I can't stay under the same roof with a man who helped sell underage girls into sex trafficking! And to know it's a possibility he could have messed with them it's so sickening and disgusting!" I say with tears coming down my face and packing my bags
"Monica it's the news you know people tell lies to get a story!"she says trying to convince me it's not true
" No...you should have seen the look of horror on that mans face. It's likes his deepest darkest secret was revealed." I say as I started walking out with my bags
"Monica Noelle where are you going!?"My mother says as I walked out of my room and headed for the stairs
"I'm leaving...I'll be damn if I stay in the same house with a sick monster."
"What's going on...Monica babygirl where are you going? And why do you have your bags?" My father says as he exited his office
"Getting away from you!"I say as I made my way down stairs to the door
Monica Noelle McKoy! Don't you dare walk out that door!" My father yells as I held my bags walking to the door
"And why should I not! You lied daddy! Our whole life is a lie. I saw you as my hero,a good guy and growing up all my life I looked to you as my knight shiny armor. Who would protect his princess from anything."I screamed with tears coming down my face
"Monica baby I'm still the good man that you know I promise babygirl I did not do that!" He says as he moved towards me trying to hug me
"No don't you dare touch me you monster!" I yelled as I moved back a little from him
"So those girls are lying?! They're lying?! Dad you always told me if I'm telling the truth to look someone in the eye....you couldn't even look me in the eye and say that!"
"You're a disgusting monster. I hope you rot in hell." I say while rolling my suitcase to the door and my mother was standing by the door
"Noelle if you walk out that door and leave this home....don't come back or even call for nothing! You hear me?!"He says while pointing his finger at me with a few tears coming out of his eyes
"Oh trust me I won't! I'll literally jump off into the deep end before I ever do that."I say as I opened the door and walked out and never looked back
End of Flashbacks
••••••
Present time Atlanta ~2016~
Runnin by Naughty boy
Runnin', runnin', runnin', runnin'
Runnin', runnin', runnin'
Ain't runnin' from myself no more
Together we'll win it all
I ain't runnin', runnin', runnin', runnin'
Runnin', runnin', runnin'
Ain't runnin' from myself no more
I'm ready to face it all
As you can see for yourself she was always the puppet and non-supportive type.
And him he was always "working" and doing God knows what!
I always prayed to God if I ever had a babygirl or even a boy that I would be the best damn mother I can be to them.
Anytime my babies have any sports,shows or etc I want them to know their biggest fan will always be their mother.No matter the circumstances or what I'm going through.
I've came to realization that I've been running enough. It's time I stop running and act knowledge my past. Seems the more hurdles I jump over there's more being placed down.
run·ning
/ˈrəniNG/
adjective
3.continuous or recurring over a long period.
To move at least one step forward in life I have to face my biggest part of my past.
But I'm not ready. So I guess that means I still have to run.
••••••
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