It was early morning and Cristine took small bites from her breakfast to lessen the pulling pain at her mouth from chewing on her food. Her eyes were bleary, her head hurt and her face thumped like crazy and the exhaustion washed over her in physical and mental form. She hadn't slept last night, couldn't, and before she knew it the day started again. Her body needed rest, yet her mind kept moving, pushing the emotions to back burned her tiredness right out. Stifling the sequence of yawns with her fists, Cristine winced by the traction against her muscles and slowly munched her way through bits and pieces of her food
"Coffee?" Tensing in her seat, Cristine twitched when a mug of piping hot instant coffee sat perched in front of her tray and she raised her eyes. She was quiet and attentive when Blake took the seat opposite of her. She warily looked around to see if more would follow, but it was just him. The others had breakfast at their table between the rest, where Troy sat and Cristine straightened her relaxed pose in reflex.
"Thanks." Cristine muttered and accepted part of Blake's olive branch and took a sip from the caffeinated beverage- perfect temperature with a spice of sugar; just how she liked it. She melted when tasting the sensation on her lips and made a small noise in the back of her throat. "Coffee was gone when I was in the line."
"You were late for breakfast." Blake commented, finding an opening to comment on her lateness. Cristine was always one of the first around because she opened the infirmary early and did her morning check-ups. Blake hadn't seen his friend until now and wanted to check on her. His blue eyes mapped the ugly bruising on the side of her face that was clearly recent and Blake clenched his teeth when he put two and two together fairly quickly. Rolling his own cup between his palms before taking a sip from the beverage, Blake listened to her two-word explanation.
"Late night." Cristine lowered her cup and picked up her fork to take a few more bites from her scrambled eggs.
"More like a rough night." Cristine paused when hearing Blake's direct statement indirectly referring to her face and swallowed her food. Her eyes were piercing and narrowed before her full lips pressed into a straight line. She faintly arched her brow at him in silent answer to lay off, but asked either way, "was it Dolores?"
"..."
"We're a tight-knit community and people talk Cristine."
"Let them. It's not the first time people did that." Blake sighed in exasperation and looked away as a wave of suppressed anger for his friend clung around his body. Of course he was going to pry in her business when he knew the type of environment Cristine grew up in and what she had to endure, still had to endure from her messed up family. Contrary to her tough exterior and directness, Cristine's weak spot was her family, as abusive and toxic as they were, but he'd protect her in his own way because they were friends. "I'm sorry, okay?" Blake suddenly said.
"Blake this is not about that-"
He cut her off, "well I'm still apologizing and I shouldn't have thrown all that in your face. It wasn't fair and you didn't deserve it." The apology in his eyes were his honest feelings and Blake wished he could've handled it differently than how he did before. "I get if you're not willing to move past this. Hell, I don't blame you for hating me. I was an asshole and two of ours got-"
"It's fine."
"No it's not."
"Blake, shut up and let me speak." He did stop talking at her order and hunched over with a look that was clearly remorseful and guilty. Cristine tapped on her coffee mug, eyes softening and a breathless sound escaped her nose, "even if I don't agree with what you did, I'll never hate you. You did it cause you thought you could help us all in the long run and I don't blame you for it. Sometimes, we tell ourselves we have a choice and that there are alternatives or other ways, but that can't and won't always apply. I'm not naïve. No matter how good or perfect a plan is. Something will always fuck it up."
"Well, I still feel like shit... looking at Kathy and her daughter."
"Me too and I'm glad for that. We've all build the guts to do things in the name of a lot of stuff, so we better have the guts to face the consequences." Blake was silent for a while, but he looked Cristine up and down and withstood the heavy feeling in his chest. He couldn't find the words to reply, but the markings on her face were something he couldn't forgive and Blake tied it to her statement.
"It still ain't right what Dolores-"
"Can we just not talk about it, please?"
Blake sighed, as unwilling as he was, he would respect her plea. "Fine, but you owe me a cup of coffee next time."
-
Time passed slowly. The militia was on alert. With the parley broken, bodies dropped and the two Founding Fathers were mysteriously otherwise occupied, but with Ranch matters, everyone was on edge. Security was tight, patrol shifts doubled and no one was allowed to go out under any circumstances. There were barely any accidents to tend to and Cristine kept her mind busy with the most menial of things to distract, even if her hurting face was a temporary keepsake. Taking stock of what they still needed in the long-run, Cristine turfed through it all, even the aspirin until a thought suddenly struck her; medicine had expiration dates. Looking around the infirmary tent with realization she gulped uneasily. There was no luxury to complain and any medicine they could find now would do. As tempting as it all sounded to hold onto the stock, once expiration dates passed there was no guarantee that using the medicine would be safe or even effective. When it all expired, it would be imperative to find a way to learn how they could make them on their own.
"It's tempting if the only tool you have is a hammer and treat everything as if it's a nail." Cristine mused absent-minded and scratched the top of her head.
"A Maslow quote? Where's the emergency?" Started from her thoughts, Cristine turned in the direction of the entrance. Blinking, she registered Alicia and Cristine moved with a bright expression. She moved through the space, same as the younger adolescent did and pulled her into a hug.
"I'm glad you're back." Was the first thing Cristine said before putting some distance between them. Alicia's expression dropped, mouth curled down together with her deeply scrunched eyebrows and exclaimed, "What happened to your face?" Her eyes darted over her face and it made Cristine a bit uncomfortable to see her wide, blue eyes be so intrusive to what her expression might reveal.
"It's nothing serious, an accident. How are you?" Alicia let it go now and her pouty lips perked up into a warm, appreciative smile.
"Considering everything that happened last night, I'm fine." Curious eyes scout the infirmary before she softly asked, tune a bit guiltily and nervous, but excited. "Where's Hailey? I need to thank her and apologize."
Cristine winced, expression showing pain, not for herself, but thinking of the way Dolores and their father punished her younger sister. "She's on cooking duty and doing inventory for the pantry for a while... I guess you can say she's grounded?"
"I'll definitely have to make it up to her and you. I just up and left work here." Alicia rubbed the side of her arms and looked at her shoes. "I'm sorry, I just- I was worried about Jake. He was going to do something stupid."
"I know." Cristine sat down and sighed. "It's good to have you back home and alive. Both of you."
Alicia couldn't help but meet the concerned eyes, the sisterly streaks that she always saw directed at Hailey now aimed at her. She supposed that's what an older sibling did; worry and protect their younger relative. Alicia wasn't used to it and never really had that from a certain age. She was young when she helped take care of Nick when he started using. Her mom also focused on her troubled older brother. She had to grow up and be strong. "They weren't going to hurt me Cristine. They never did. I contributed where I had to and everything was fine until my mom and Troy showed up yesterday. Now Jake's parley is ruined."
Cristine was speechless for a second, not having expected her to defend Walker and his Nation in a way. Alicia slid her hand down her arm and sat right next to Cristine and stared at the open area. "I kind of wonder if what Walker did at the outpost is worse than what we've done so far. What I've done."
"What did you do?" Cristine asked, not blaming Alicia for doubting herself. She herself had done that often until she found her family and finally belonged. Her own doubts resurfaced now with the knowledge of what the lines her father and Troy crossed for safety, protection, and survival. It hit too close to home and distorted Cristine's belief Broke Jaw Ranch was truly a uniform community. It was a lie and pretend.
Chewing the inside of her cheeks, Alicia scratched her jeans with a severe eyes that clenched and unclenched from the glower. "I killed a man. I didn't feel anything when I did it. Sometimes, I think about him. I killed a man to save Travis and in the end he still died. I had to tell my mom- when I could've kept holding on to him when he tried to jump, but I didn't. I let him go - and he allowed me to. Maybe if I held on to him, we could've saved him... and it wouldn't have been for nothing."
"I once had a notebook where I kept the names of everyone I lost. I lost them because of other people, some stupid accident, the dead, or because they couldn't handle it anymore. I eventually burned all those notebooks and you know what? I remember them more vividly than the ones I had to kill to make it to where I am now and keep Hailey safe," Cristine said with downcast eyes and her lids fluttered, thinking of the many thing that happened. "I don't know if the self-guilt will ever pass. It still hasn't, but I've learnt to deal with it in my own way."
"How?" Alicia's voice cracked, pressure filled her cords and she squeezed her hands together. If there was some kind of trick to keep and feel normal and with purpose again. The infirmary gave her that and being around Hailey and Cristine too. It had given her the feeling of living instead of surviving. Coping with the loss of the people in her own life and the things she had to commit was difficult and Alicia hoped Cristine's advice would alleviate some of those burdens.
Cristine her expression became gloomy and the light in her eyes dimmed, stare callous as she explained her method to keep herself focused and shut off her emotions as best she could. She used it even before the apocalypse and had tweaked it to do what she did now. "I always assume the worst. The worst that can happen to my family, my friends, and everything I care about. Usually it's people because, unlike the dead, people are unpredictable. Then, I assume the worst in a person. The worst things that motivate their actions and words. It tells me what I need to know. Then, it becomes a job I have to deal with them effectively or everything I care about will be gone. And to do that, I can't be distracted so I block out everything else. It's kind of the same feeling I needed when I had to deliver Kathy's baby during the attack. A decision with life-and-death consequences where I need to isolate my emotions."
"That's sounds complicated and hard." Alicia commented after a while, partially processing Cristine's method, but also understanding it. When she killed that man it was to save Travis and her family. She didn't think then. She just did. But with the Nation, she saw how they lived, same as them, and Jake's parley gave her some hope. Even if Walker was a hypocrite, he still cared about the well-being of his people. It was more than Jeremiah had done for the Survivalist.
"Not really," Cristine countered, "because after this decision, I'll most likely have to do it again, and again, and again. You don't really think about it anymore. Like I said, you see it as a job until you see your family and friends safe and alive. Your home is still standing. We have food, water, and medical care. That's how I know I've done my job."
"Living at a distance from yourself and your emotions can be a comfortable state to settle into. It can be dangerous and risky." Alicia peeked at Cristine from the corner of her eye, curious.
"Maybe, but we're at war with people who want us dead. Who already slaughtered some of our friends. Your stepfather. I wish I didn't have to be strong all the time, because I can't and I'm definitely not, but this help me. It helps me make sense of things now." Cristine wasn't sure if she was trying to convince Alicia or herself. Rubbing her fingers over the back of her knuckles, she remained quiet. She didn't know what else to say, but be with Alicia as silent support.