Trigger warnings: vivid descriptions of sadness and non-explicit indication of passive suicidal ideation.
I don't need no help
I can sabotage me by myself
I don't need no one else
I can sabotage me by myself
THIRTY-TWO
Take control of your life.
Ice pondered over Lex's parting words on the car ride home. Take control, huh. Hindi ba't nasobrahan na ata siya sa control? She controlled every freakin aspect of life kaya siya ganito ganito ngayon. In a dysfunctional family, not talking to her friends, stressing over if her current friends still like her or not. Isn't control supposed to be good? Diba dapat dahil doon may direksyon ang buhay niya? But now why does she feel like she's stuck at this point of her life? Does she have to regain control to move forward or let it fall apart and start anew?
The latter sounded very tempting.
If only she could drop everything, change her name and move to a province. If only she could just disappear from the face of the earth. That'd be great.
Ice wanted to laugh out of bitterness. Kung ganon lang sana kadali ang lahat. Kung pwede lang sana siyang umalis nang wala siyang masasaktang iba. Kung hindi lang sana papasa sa iba ang lungkot na ito once she's gone. Kung wala lang sana siyang maiiwan, ginawa na niya.
She feels hypersensitive about everything that she wants to shut down nalang and reboot. Arriving at a silent "home" didn't help. Sana sinalubong siya ni Skippy, pero Uno still had him at maibabalik lang ito pag naka uwi na rin sila galing bakasyon.
Ice sighed. The past couple of days were a nightmare. They literally spent Christmas sitting in front of the fire place eating take out while waiting for 12 am. Iyon na ang noche buena nila ng Kuya niya. Ang mga magulang naman nila ay umattend ng isang Christmas party na planado na bago palang dumating sina Ice. Ice and Lex didn't care. Mukhang wala rin namang pakialam ang magulang nila na iiwan nila ang dalawa kasi eversince that night silent treatment talaga silang lahat. It was so silent to the point na Lex and Ice just looked at each other for one second then they were out of the door the next para kumain sa pinaka malapit na fast food chain. For breakfast palang 'yon ah.
Siguro 'yon na rin ang point na Ice accepted she had very shitty parents at hindi na sila magbabago. Na imbis ayusin ang sitwasyon lalo pang lumala. There were a lot of things they could've done, they just chose not to do it. That alone confirms na wala na silang pakialam kung ano man ang gawin ng magkapatid. Lex booked their respective flights that same day, kahit gaano pa kamahal pinatos na ni Lex makaalis lang sila. The next day they were off. Saktong parehas nasa trabaho ang magulang nila.
Umiling nalang si Ice. Tapos na. Pwede sana na siya huminga ulit but looking at an empty house makes her want to cry. At her lowest, she's alone. She might not be strong enough to get through it this time. It took everything in her not to break down sobbing the moment she closed the front door.
Isang text ang pinadala niya kay Lex, informing him na nakauwi na siya. Binagsak nalang niya ang dalang gamit sa lapag ng kwarto, turned the AC on, laid herself on the bed and forced herself to fall asleep.
Ice woke up to the incessant vibrating of her phone. Thinking it was Lex, sinagot niya agad without opening her eyes, pero ang sumalubong sa kanya ay ang boses ni Castiel.
"Naka uwi ka na daw?"
Nang hindi sumagot si Ice, Cast went on. "Hoy? Lilo? Hello? Buhay ka na ba? Sabi sakin ni Stellar naka balik na daw si Lex kaya inisip ko baka naka uwi ka na rin."
Ice groaned at the nagging headache she's feeling na mas lalo pang lumala sa boses ni Cast. "I just woke up."
"Jet lag huh?"
Yeah, you could say that.
Umupo na si Ice to find herself some medicine and food with her phone still pressed to her ear. "Stellar said something happened," Cast's voice changed. Mas bumaba ito ngayon, like he's unsure to open the topic this soon. "Lex told her to check on you. Pinasa naman niya sakin kasi baka hindi ka daw comfortable if she suddenly talks to you out of the blue. How are you holding up, Lilo?"
"I feel like crap," she answered with a sigh. She was in the middle of the stairs, looking at the empty living room. She weighed what she wanted to say and the information she wants to keep hidden, but in the end napa buntong hininga nalang siya ulit.
Ice sat on the stairs as Cast waited patiently on the other line. Hindi niya alam kung sasabihin ba niya o iiyak niya nalang. Sleep couldn't save whatever crappiness she was feeling, parang mas lalo pa ngang bumigat. Tapos na dapat, eh. Bakit bumabalik na naman?
Naramdaman niya ang simula ng panginginig ng kamay niya. Kung hindi niya hinigpitan ang hawak sa phone baka nalaglag na ito.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Cast asked.
Gusto niya na bang pag usapan?
Umiling si Ice kahit na hindi naman nakikita ni Cast. "I feel like crap," she repeated. "I feel so shitty right now that I just want to disappear. Is that bad, Castiel?"
"No…" Cast answered after a second. "It's ok to feel that way. If you don't want to talk about it then that's okay, too. But, I'm here, okay? Kung gusto mong pag usapan."
Ice only nods. She rested her head on her knees para itago ang namumuong mga luha kahit na wala namang nakakakita and said, "I don't want to wallow in sadness but here I am. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko ngayong ako nalang ulit mag isa…" she lifts her head, wipes the lone tear that escaped. "I'd really appreciate it if you talk to me hanggang sa makatulog ulit ako because I don't trust myself right now, I might do something I'd regret."
"Okay." Mabilis na sagot ni Cast. Naramdaman ni Ice ang urgency from him, hindi niya alam kung bakit. "Okay, I'm here. Just breathe for a moment? Can you do that for me? I can hear you sobbing. Hinga muna tayo."
Halata na Cast hasn't handled something like this before and he's trying his best to communicate with her in his own way, Ice hated herself for putting this burden onto him. She hated herself because she had to bother other people to feel okay. "I'm sorry." she said with a sob. "I'm sorry you have to hear this."
"Ok lang." Cast laughed. "Ok lang kaya don't stress over it. We're going to focus on you, alright? Whatever you feel is completely valid kaya sige, ilabas mo lang 'yan."
Ice doesn't know how but Cast managed to talk her through everything. She managed to get food from a delivery service and find medicine, ngayon naka upo na siya sa dining table with the TV on para hindi masyadong tahimik. Cast also informed Uno what was happening kaya habang kumakain naka video call silang tatlo (apat pala kasi kasama si Skippy.) Paminsan-minsan mag uusap ang dalawa, pero si Ice tahimik lang. Naintindihan naman nila na gusto lang niya ng kasama.
Hindi rin niya mapigilan na hindi tawanan si Cast na mukhang inggit na inggit kasi mas una siyang naka kain ng Chowking sa kanilang dalawa. After all the asaran about fast food habang wala silang dalawa sa Pilipinas. Nilapit pa ni Ice ang pagkain sa camera para mainggit lalo.
"Bibili talaga ako ng sweet and sour pork mamaya. Loko ka ah."
"Weh inggit."
Ice's laugh was cut short when she saw movement from Uno's cam. Mukhang may nilalayo ito sa kung sino man ang gustong manggulo.
"Kung may kaaway ka dyan na hindi namin nakikita pare sabihin mo lang." Cast laughed from his own cam.
"Wala naman kaming ginagawa. Makikigulo ka pa." Ang sabi ni Uno but it wasn't directed to Cast or Ice.
A familiar head suddenly appeared. Ang ulo ni Dos na pilit sumisilip kahit anong taboy ni Uno.
Dos squints at the camera. "Bakit namumula mata mo? Umiyak ka?"
Cast scratched his head while Ice just shook hers and smiled.
Kumunot lalo ang noo ni Dos, he finally managed to steal Uno's phone. "Are you okay, bud?"
Ice just nods. Pinakita lang niya ang kinakain niya to tell him she can't answer, ang totoo ayaw lang niya magsalita.
"Saling pusa naman 'to." Ang sabi ni Castiel sabay tawa. "Kumuha ka kaya ng sarili mong phone no. Baka uminit pa ulo ng Kuya mo dyan."
And Dos did just that kaya maayos na ulit naka higa si Uno. Then the boys started talking about their recent ganaps sa buhay. Gusto nalang umiling ni Ice but she can't hide the simple happiness she's feeling at that certain moment. Kung pwede lang mag pause nalang dito and ward off the following thoughts which she bets won't be good.
She was plagued with negative thoughts noong pag alis niya. What happened with her parents was the last blow for the weak light she held on to. She wasn't even hanging by a thread anymore, nalaglag na siya sa bangin at gumulong-gulong pa, at this point para nalang siyang kumapit sa lupa na hindi niya alam kung susuportahan ba siya para hindi tuluyang mahulog. And what's sad is that at this moment, she doesn't care. This is the kind of sad she did not want to feel ever again. 'Yung sobrang lungkot mo to the point na wala ka nang maramdaman at wala ka nang pakialam sa lahat. Pain made her feel numb.
"Hey," Dos called from the phone with a small smile. "Breathe a little."
Hindi napansin ni Ice na kanina pa siya tulala. "Sorry. Ano nga ulit yung pinag uusapan niyo?"
"Sabi ko may nakita kong kangaroo na kamukha ni Dos," ulit ni Cast. "Kinuhanan ko pa ng picture."
Ice snorted nang mag reklamo si Dos.
Maybe tomorrow she'll change her mind. Maybe the day after that she'll change it again. Maybe in the future tuluyan na siyang mawawalan ng pakialam sa sarili niya at sa buhay niya. Maybe in between all of that she'll find the silving lining she's looking for. Maybe in between that a miracle will happen. Maybe, just maybe, things will change.
But the ugly feeling was still there, lingering at the edge of her shattered pieces, trying to consume her whole. They will leave you too. Paulit-ulit. Ayaw tumigil. Bakit ba siya ganito? Why does she still doubt the people with her now?
Then her gaze landed on Dos who was still bickering with Cast. Si Dos na ngayon niya lang ulit nakita at nakausap. Na ngayon lang ulit siya pinansin.
This is scary, she thought. Feelings are scary.
Will they hate Ice for thinking that they will leave her eventually? Will Dos hate her for doubting him? Will they hate her for thinking that whenever someone new comes she already knows how it ends? People have left her too many times that she anticipates when they leave so it will hurt less.
Then Ice moves on. Then it happens all over again.
Each time she loses a part of herself, until she realized that they have left her empty.
Ice thought she was still complete because she's in control of everything she's holding in. But the truth is, whatever she's holding now are all the remaining pieces of her shattered self. She tried so hard to keep herself together that she didn't realize some pieces fell along the way. Pieces she can never retrieve. Pieces that will forever be lost. Pieces that will never let her be who she used to be.
I'm already broken. Ice quietly thought to herself. Then she let it sink in.
"I talked to them," bulong ni Ice habang kausap si Lex sa phone. They finally had the time to talk. She has been in bed all day, mukhang nag manifest na ang pagod niya. Wala siyang ganang kumilos, ni hindi nga niya mapagluto ang sarili niya puro order nalang sa labas (syempre hindi niya iyon sinabi sa kuya niya kasi papagalitan siya). Lex called her the moment na okay na lahat on his part, he made her talk about yesterday and what she's been up to today kaya kinwento niya ang nangyari kagabi. Wala rin naman kasi siyang ibang sasabihin bukod sa "Umiyak ako. Hindi ko na kinaya, Kuya."
"I talked to them hanggang sa makatulog ako."
"Hmm," Lex mused. "Seems like you've got great friends there huh. I'd like to meet them properly when I get back."
Ice only smile kahit na hindi siya nakikita ni Lex. Ayaw niyang buksan ang camera niya to avoid explaining why she looks awful. "Uuwi na daw sila Uno bukas. Si Cast din malapit na umuwi."
"That's good. Magkakaroon ka na ng kasama."
Ice curled into a ball. Nagtago nalang siya sa ilalim ng kumot para hindi niya masabi na ayaw pa niyang makakita ng tao ngayon kahit na kaibigan pa niya 'yan. She wasn't emotionally, physically, and mentally ready to deal with people face to face. Wala siyang maipapakita sa kanila kundi ito. Ito ako ngayon.
Ice doesn't want them to see this version of her.
Her breakdown last night will be the last, she promised herself that. She's trying hard to hold whatever is left of her sanity. She wanted to greet them with a smile and have full confidence to say na okay siya. Sa ngayon, hindi niya pa kayang magsinungaling sa kanila at sa sarili niya.
"I don't want them to come here yet," ang bulong niya ulit. Hindi niya alam kung narinig ba ni Lex.
Lex acknowledged what she said with another hum. He was silent for a few seconds then he replied, "Why? They'll cheer you up a bit. Maybe you can spend new year with them."
Ice curled herself further and sighed. "I just… I'm not up for it? Baka maboringan lang sila sakin kasi ganito ako ngayon. Wala akong gana. Mas okay nang magkita kami pag maayos na lahat."
Narinig niya ang tunog ng bumukas na pinto sa kabilang linya at ang malamin na pag hugot ng hininga ni Lex. Mukhang nagpapahangin ito sa labas. "I know you're strong," Lex started. "But when you're on the verge of breaking, relying on people who care about you won't hurt."
Namuo na naman ang luha ni Ice. For someone who hasn't cried most of her life, she's been crying a lot lately.
"You've done it before. You can do it again, love." Lex continued. "They're human too. Maiintindihan ka nila kahit gaano pa kalalim 'yang nararamdaman mo. They care about you base na rin sa mga kwento mo sa akin. And I know you matter to them more than you think."
You matter to them more than you think.
Two great tears fell down her cheeks. Sa sobrang gulo ng isip niya ngayon, she gave up thinking of things that would make her feel better, things that would ease up the pain ng kahit konti. For someone who grew up depending on only one person, mahirap mag open up sa bagong tao kasi hindi naman lahat nakakaintindi. Ice grew up relying on herself most of the time, she grew up trusting herself na kaya niya lagpasan ang lahat ng mag-isa. She confined herself in a cage called "comfort zone". She felt like a bird with liberty inside a cage. That's how small her world was.
Kaya asking for help last night was a big thing when her "trust" in herself has completely crumbled. Dahil bukod kay Lex she had no one to ask for help for that kind of matter. Then suddenly, she has three.
"You're not alone in this," Lex said. "You have me. You have them. Sure our parents suck but you have a lot of people who care about you. So don't be afraid to ask for help, ok?"
Ice nods, letting the words sink in.
"Don't forget what I said bago tayo mag hiwalay. The decision will be up to you, sabihin mo nalang sa akin if you've made a decision na."
Masyadong mabigat ang nangyari sa kanila at alam nila pareho na dadalhin nila ito hanggang sa buhay sila. Lex worries about Ice more than he worries about himself, kaya noong bago sila mag hiwalay Lex suggested to Ice to seek help. Professional help.
The decision was all up to her, Lex said. Maraming factor na kailangan i-consider before she decides at isa na doon ang pera. Their parents might not support them financially anymore, indefinite pa talaga dahil hindi pa sila nag uusap ulit. And it might cost a lot once she starts. Mahal maging normal sabi nga nila. She doesn't want to burden Lex with it. Pero syempre hindi niya sinabi iyon.
She's just starting to accept na this, whatever the fuck this is, wasn't just a slump. This wasn't something na pwede lang niyang kalimutan and move on. This is her reality now and it will keep changing and changing and she has to be mentally prepared for it, but the thing is she wasn't mentally okay. Everything wasn't okay.
"I'll think about it again pag um-okay na ako ng konti." Ang sabi ni Ice. When will that be? Ice doesn't know.
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Hello! Huwag kalimutang huminga pagkatapos mag basa :) Kamustahin niyo ang sarili niyo at ang mga taong malapit sa inyo ngayong magulo ang mundo. Pasensya na at medyo mabigat itong ayuda ko sa inyo. Sana masarap ang ulam niyo palagi at goodluck sa may mga online classes ngayon!
Pwede niyo akong guluhin sa aking (not so bagong) writing account sa Twitter @niqueeloise!
Maraming salamat sa pagbabasa at paghihintay. 💚
- Nique xx