Warnings ⚠: Child Abuse, Rape, Violence, Religion, Drug Use, Alcohol Use, Use of Slurs, Homophobia, Bullying, Mention of Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Actions, Gun Use
Josiah's P.O.V.
-Thursday, November 4th-
I hate the mall. I don't understand why every store here has to be so expensive.
But... Damien insisted.
I don't even want winter clothes... I'm good as I am.
Cold . As always.
"Damien..." I try to get his attention as we walk into the store together.
"Hmm?" He murmurs, clearly not listening to me.
Ignoring me.
Just like he's been all day.
I continue anyway. "What's the price limit? Like, what am I looking for here...? Twenty, thirty dollars?"
He seems taken aback, but then he chuckles at me, a bit amused. I squeeze his hand and let my eyes fall to the floor. I must have said something wrong.
"Josiah, you can pick whatever you want. It doesn't matter. As long as it's what you like and will keep you warm. We should get you a hat and gloves and stuff, too."
A hat and gloves and stuff ...
Fuck no.
"Oh? Sorry, I forgot..." I adjust my hair out of my face and look up at the clothes around me.
I blink at the coats when he leads me to them. It's hard to imagine owning any of them, and for some reason, I feel the urge to run off.
"Go ahead and pick." He tells me.
Damn.
I release his hand and reach out to find the softest thing.
This one is soft, but it isn't as soft as I expected, and it was black anyway.
I really don't think I want anything. Damien will persist until I pick, though, and I know he is upset right now anyway. His father just died, for God's sake... The least I can do, is to do what he wants me to do.
"I don't care. Just grab one and let's go." I pretty much give up.
"Josiah, I will purposefully get you the ugliest coat if you don't pick one. I want it to be something you like, not something I think you will like."
Like I care...
I pull on my sleeves, bringing them over my hands and holding them there.
"Okay. I just want something soft and comfy." I shrug.
I spend a few minutes looking through all the stuff again and again, as if any of it would change and become something I would choose to wear.
There were a couple that were okay, but... None of them made me excited to get them.
"Don't you like any of them?" Damien asks me.
"Yeah... Can we look around other places?" I sway a bit, suddenly feeling tired and bored out of my mind.
Or maybe not so suddenly . I didn't want to come.
"Sure."
I run my hands through my hair before starting to walk away from him, ready to look in other places and drain time.
How much longer until it is time to go back to the house and sleep?
"Can we get cookies before we go home?" I ask, freezing in place.
Damien is trailing behind me, not seeming to have much interest in any of this. I don't blame him.
Why are we doing this right now? He isn't in the mood, I can tell...
"Sure, I guess." He shrugs, still not really paying attention to me.
Grrrrrr ... Pay attention to me! Asshole!
I chuckle at my own thoughts and begin walking again.
"Awesome. You know, freshly baked cookies are warm. Maybe I could have those instead whenever I get cold, so I don't have to pick out warm clothes." I start spouting nonsense, trying to get him to react.
I look back at him expectantly.
He nods, "Yeah, I guess that would work. You still need a coat, though."
I bit my lip and crossed my arms.
Eating warm cookies is an awful way to stay warm. It's just an excuse to have glucose, just like how people want ice cream when it's hot outside. It doesn't really do much.
He doesn't say anything else. I want to argue, but I decide not to.
I wander into another aisle of coats and run my hands along them as I walk, trying to find the softest one. Something that feels like a comfy, super soft sweater!
I stop and curl my fingers into a robe coat that was fuzzy and a muted red color. It wasn't quite pink, but it was far from the color of blood. Just a really nice red.
"Damien!"
Damn, it's so, so soft!
He looks up from the floor and just says, "That's a girls coat."
"It looks comfortable... Is it another bad thing, that it is for girls? Will I get in trouble for that...?"
"It depends on if you look super cute or not," He says, "Try it on."
My eyes go wide behind my glasses, staring at the coat. I take it off the hanger.
"How do I know if I look super cute or not? Are you going to tell me?"
I like this. He is starting to seem more entertained by me.
He laughs, confirming to me that he isn't completely lost in his mind. "You always look super cute. But I'll tell you if it's good or not." He promises.
I put it on over my sweater, immediately turning and facing Damien. I look up into his eyes, waiting for him to tell me what he thinks. He stops as if he was actually thinking about it.
He just wanted to make me wait.
"Very, very cute." He says.
I grin back at him. "Fantastic! Then we can buy this and leave!" I try to distract him from the other stuff he told me I need to have, "After getting cookies, of course!" I add.
"You only get cookies if you get gloves and a hat, too."
"...Was that part of the rules?"
I thought I could take his mind away from all of that. I thought I had more control over him than this...
"I guess I forgot. I always forget stuff. Been bumped on the head too many times." I chuckle, rubbing my head.
Dammit.
I take the coat off, feeling his eyes locked on me. He seemed to be back to not being so amused.
Booooo ...
"I think you were just distracted by the idea of cookies." He says, and I can tell he's trying to lighten the mood again.
That's my job. He's supposed to be the brooding one. I must be playing the part of the cheerful one...
We're both awful, bitter people, actually.
"Maybe both! Actually, definitely both...!"
I nod.
We both reach for each other's hands at the same time. I make the move to intertwine our fingers.
I like that we can hold hands in public. It makes me feel safer, and closer to him.
He pulls me over to the hats and gloves. "C'mon, I want cookies." He says.
"Is there candy around here? I definitely deserve candy and cookies if you're gonna make me wear gloves ."
I grab a random pair of white gloves that are, of course, also soft. I hand them to him, along with the coat.
He takes them. "You can get candy or cookies. Not both."
"...I don't want to live in this unfair world, where I cannot have candy AND cookies ..." I whine, snatching a matching beanie and pulling it down onto my head, pushing hair in my eyes.
He bends down and kisses my lips. "You're the cutest."
Shit. That's not good.
"Cool. Thanks ." I feel my face heat up.
I never expected him to kiss me in public... Ever.
I thought it was taboo?
I hate that.
"Uh... How much does all of this cost so far? I think we should stop." I find an excuse to make sure he doesn't try to take me anywhere else, and to change the subject.
"It doesn't matter. I have my card. If you want we can check out and go get you that cookie." He says, taking my hand and guiding me toward the check out.
"More like two cookies. Let's go, then."
Something else gets my attention after we walk right by it on our way to the checkout area.
"Damien!" I snap, "Close your eyes now! Close them!" I bounce in place slightly, tugging my hand away from him.
He looks around, a bit panicked by my sudden outburst.
"I said close your goddamn eyes ! ...Please?" I beg.
He finally shuts his eyes before asking, "What the fuck? Why?"
"I found something for you. You're not allowed to see it!" I explain.
He pauses a moment then smiles, "And I'm buying it for you...for me?"
"I'll get a job and pay you back! Just, please, do not open your eyes!" I order, poking his hand, "Cover them so I know they're closed!"
He nods and does as told.
Ah, I'm in control again!
I back off and get the gift. It's ironic and sweet...
A black hoodie with Taylor Swift on it.
Perfect.
I grab it and bring it back over, taking the other stuff from Damien so he can keep his eyes closed.
"Gimme your card." I hold my hand out expectantly.
He laughs, "Okay," and just hands me his wallet.
I grab the hem of his shirt and lead him over to the cash register. I put all of the stuff onto the counter.
"Uh... Hi, how are you guys doing today?" The cashier asks. She's around our age.
I don't respond, which prompts Damien to. "Fine. How are you?" He asks the same question back, a hand still over his eyes.
She chuckles and begins scanning the clothes. "I'm doing great. Why are you covering your eyes?"
He laughs, "Oh, someone decided to get me a present and if I take my hand off my eyes I'm going to get my ass beaten by him." He says, gesturing toward me.
I glare at him.
I take his credit card out of his wallet, turning my stare to the clothes.
The cashier suddenly stopped scanning after getting the coat and the hat.
"And you're actually doing it... That's so sweet. How cute." She gushes.
Did she just call him cute ?
... What ?
He's not cute . He's the cool one!
"Thanks." He smiles back at her, lowering his hand a bit.
I tug a bit on his shirt. "Damien, don't peek..." I whine. He quickly covers his eyes again.
She scans the hoodie and the gloves and bags everything up. "It's always nice to see guys buy each other things. Men usually think they're too cool for that."
She laughs again.
I swipe the card in the machine when it tells me to, ignoring her because she's just being annoying. It's not special for anyone to buy anyone else stuff.
"Well, not all men are like that. Presents are fun and that's that."
"Yeah, definitely. I wish my ex would have thought that," She tilted her head at him, "Glad I broke up with him. Hey, uncover your eyes, everything is bagged."
He drops his hand and opens his eyes.
Why did he listen to her over me? I...I didn't tell him to open his eyes yet.
I let go of his shirt and took the bag of clothes, putting his credit card back into his wallet and handing it to him.
He takes it, but doesnt look away from the cashier.
"Thanks. It was weird talking to someone and not being able to see them."
Hah...
Jeez. I wonder what that's like.
"Yeah, I bet... Hey, before you go..." She grabs a piece of paper and starts writing on it, handing it to him.
He glances at the paper. "Have a great day." He smiles.
"You, too!" She replies.
I glare at the floor, staying close to Damien as we walk out together.
"...What's the paper?" I ask.
He laughs, "It's her phone number." We pass a trashcan and he throws it out.
"Her phone number...? Then, she wants you to call her? She seemed to like you, a lot."
I want to grab his hand again, but I feel a bit too nervous for that right now. I look back, toward the clothes store we just came from.
He takes my hand. "I didn't want to hurt her feelings. That's all."
"S-So what? I think she wanted to...to date you. You should s-say no ." I huff.
My chest hurts a bit. The idea of Damien being with anyone else like that...
It hurts me like hell.
"Why would you need to be nice to her, though?!" I pull my hand away so I can tangle my fingers in my hair.
"Because she's a human with feelings? Why are you acting like this?" He asks, stopping, "Are you jealous?"
... Jealous ?
No way. Jealousy is a bad thing.
"No! I-I just...don't understand why y-you didn't tell her no , and...and I'm upset. Don't be s-so nice!" I complain.
Damn...
I am jealous, he's right.
He smiles, "You want me to stop being nice? No one's said that to me...ever."
"I want you to s-stop being nice t-to other people! Jerk..." I mutter, tugging on my hair.
Damn. I've never wanted to punch someone before, but I want to punch that girl...! Or, at least, I want to go back and tell her to back off because Damien is completely off limits to everyone else.
If he left me, I...
I would have nothing. Most of all, I wouldn't have him. If I didn't have him, then it wouldn't matter what else I have anyway.
I need him. I will always need him. For so many reasons.
Before I could even realize that there were tears burning my eyes, Damien pulled me into a tight hug, making me drop the two bags.
"Hey, it's alright, I'm not going anywhere. I promise."
"I wanna fight her." I claim.
I do. I want to fight her. I want people to know not to mess with us. I can't let anyone ruin this...
He chuckles softly, still hugging me. "Not happening."
He lets me go and grabs the bags. "Let's go get cookies."
"Don't look in the bags!" I warn.
I rub my eyes, looking back one more time before starting to follow Damien again.
"Do you... Do you really like girls?" I ask him.
"What?"
"Like... Would y-you date a girl for real ?" I lean against him a bit.
"I have dated girls...you're the only guy I've ever really been into...so, yeah. I would."
"Did you like them? Did you want to be with them?"
Please, say no .
Life would be so much easier for him if he was with a girl.
"Well yeah. I liked them at the time...but, right now, I like you. And that's all that matters."
He seems to have something against dating a boy. Like, subconsciously, he thinks it's weird.
If girls aren't an option... I don't know if he would consider anyone other than me. I don't want him to consider anyone other than me.
Is that bad? I feel like that's bad.
I'm turning insane over this.
"I was just wondering." I sigh, lying, obviously. He doesn't press for answers, though. Thankfully.
I try to drop the topic entirely, but the idea of Damien being with someone else harasses my mind over and over again as we go to get cookies.
I don't know if I want cookies anymore...
"Hey. C-Can we take a nap when we get home?" I ask.
"We can do whatever you want to."
"I want to take a nap..."
"Alright. So, we'll get some cookies from the bakery, then we can go home and sleep for a bit."
I nod and pick up my pace to keep up with him.
Sometimes, he fails to acknowledge that he takes longer strides than I do. It gets annoying.
There is a minute of silence between us.
"...How are you feeling?" I ask, despising the silence.
He looks down, refusing to look at me as he responds, "I...I don't quite know yet. I'm here. With you. So that's something." He's not normally this unsure of anything.
"Okay... That's good. Let's not get chocolate chip this time. Pick a different kind. Anything you want." I try to be nice, but I am in no mood for chocolate chip.
I've been trapped in this little bubble my whole life and being with Damien is giving me the opportunity to explore new things. Maybe I should quit Pop-Tarts, too...? Real food is an option now and I should start learning to like it.
Or not.
Preferably not .
"But, I like chocolate chip. What if we got...chocolate CHUNK ?"
"Isn't that basically the same thing?" I complain.
"No, 'cause chocolate chip is chips of chocolate, whereas chocolate chunk is chunks of chocolate. It's an entirely different texture and normally the chocolate is a higher quality in the chunks than the chips. In fact, in most cases, the chocolate is a darker chocolate in chunk form. More of an 87%, if you will. And chips are more of a milk chocolate. At least, that's what I've noticed."
"...Damien, I don't think you're okay. You sound crazy." I giggle at him.
"...I just really like chocolate chunk cookies."
I clutch on to his sleeve as we enter the bakery. He is acting weird, and he has been all day. Again, I can't blame him.
I need to stop blaming him for things altogether. Like that cashier flirting with him... It really isn't his fault...
Even if he flirted back...
Even if he kicked me out and started dating her...
He can do whatever he wants.
"Get the chocolate chunk then." I mumble.
I still think they're the same.
He goes up to the person at the counter of the bakery.
"Hi, could I get a couple of chocolate chunk cookies and also a few..." He pauses and looks over at me, "Which ones did you want?"
"I-I was just going to get what you were getting...? Uh... I've never had anything other than chocolate chip... Please just pick something..."
"A few sugar cookies too, then." He smiles at them.
"How many?" The bakery guy asks.
"Are sugar cookies good? Like, what do they taste like?"
"Um... I think they're good. And they taste like sugar."
"I want twenty of them."
Damien quickly cuts in before the guy starts getting them. "Sorry. Just three will be okay."
"What? No, at least a dozen."
"Josiah, what the fuck are we going to do with twelve cookies?"
"I'll eat them... Obviously ."
The bakery guy just smiles at me and sighs. He really doesn't seem amused.
"I'm sorry," Damien apologizes to him again, "We just need three chocolate chunk cookies and three sugar cookies, and that's it."
I pout and hide behind him a bit, feeling the bakery guy stare at me like he wanted to kill me.
I seem to have that effect on people.
Ha ...
"Okay. Three chocolate chunk and three sugar cookies. That's $6.00."
"Damien, if I get a job, can I afford a dozen cookies so you can't tell me no."
"If you want to die when you're twenty-five because all you eat is cookies, then be my guest." He says, paying the man with cash.
"I've survived off Pop-Tarts for seventeen years." I remind him stubbornly.
Whatever. I don't even know if these sugar cookies are good anyway. Besides, I'm not in the mood to eat anything anyway. It's just too late to change my mind and tell Damien no .
I'm just too used to having to ask for more of everything.
" Fair ." He says.
The bakery guy hands Damien the cookies and I swear he glares at me like I was crazy.
...I don't like the mall.
End