Warnings ⚠: Child Abuse, Rape, Violence, Religion, Drug Use, Alcohol Use, Use of Slurs, Homophobia, Bullying, Mention of Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Actions, Gun Use
Damien's P.O.V.
-Friday, October 22nd-
When I get the text from Josiah telling me everything is fine, I breathe a sigh of relief. For once, things are going our way.
About fucking time.
I can't believe I was so careless. I really need to watch myself. I've been slipping up lately.
I drive home, and as soon as I get home, I sneak over to the liquor cabinet and look at my options.
Wine. Vodka. Scotch.
I shrug to myself and grab a bottle of wine.
What the fuck, I could use a drink.
I take it upstairs and don't even bother with a glass. As if I'm not going to finish the bottle.
I sit in my bed and begin drinking.
Once I start drinking, I can't turn off my mind.
All of my worries swirl around in my head and make it turn to mush.
What will I do about my parents? If they catch me and Josiah...or if they find out that I don't want to be a part of the business...
What about Ethan and Hunter? And Logan?
How do I know that they're not just planning something?
I take another drink of my wine.
It's so sweet.
I have so much to worry about.
And Josiah...
God. I always have to be so, so careful with him.
So gentle.
It's not in my nature to be gentle.
But the only alternative is driving him away.
I can't be without him. I can't.
I take another drink, deciding to climb onto the roof to look at the stars.
I really like it out there. It's so quiet, except for the occasional sounds of the city around me.
I stand up and stumble a little bit. I look at the wine bottle and see it's already half empty. I shrug and open my window. The cold air feels so nice. I don't even need a jacket.
I climb out and onto my roof. I sit there, enjoying the silence and my drink. Hopefully, if I finish this off, I can actually sleep for a second.
Hopefully...
...
-Monday, October 25th-
I try to contact Josiah all weekend, but I can't get a hold of him.
I keep thinking about just showing up at his house, but he doesn't want his dad knowing about us...
I can't do that to him.
If he doesn't show up to school, then I'm allowed to worry.
He wouldn't skip unless he was really messed up...or dead.
I can't think like that.
I've been having panic attacks about this whole thing since Friday night.
When Monday rolls around, I find myself out laying on the roof again, watching the sun rise.
I'm so tired, but as soon as I try to lay down and sleep, I get attacked by torrents of thoughts and worries and anything else in between.
I sigh, contemplating skipping, but if I can just talk to Josiah...
I go inside and brush my teeth, not having the energy to shower. I check the time and see that it's almost time to go.
I put my hands on the counter and look up at myself in the mirror.
I look like absolute shit. I have some intense dark circles under my eyes and my hands won't quit shaking. I sigh and run a hand through my messy hair.
I go into my room and change my clothes. I slip a grey sweatshirt on and slip the hood up. I toss my leather jacket over top and then I put my sunglasses on and my earbuds in. Hopefully if I turn the music up loud enough, it can distract me.
I ride to school and make it into and through my first few classes, keeping an eye out for Josiah in the halls.
I don't see him, but sometimes, I can miss him.
He's small.
I try to keep an eye out, but as soon as I get to lunch, fear spikes through me.
He's nowhere to be seen. He always sits at the same table.
Every single day.
I don't think he's ever been late or skipped. I don't think he could. He has rules about that sort of thing...
Shit. I need to go find him. Now.
He could be here. I just need to make sure.
I have to know that he's okay.
I feel my chest constrict and it's hard to breathe.
Oh my God. Am I having a fucking panic attack right in the middle of the hallway?!
I lean against someone's locker and try to calm down, figure out a plan.
I need to get out of here.
I need to go calm down somewhere more private, then go find Josiah.
I try to head outside, or something, but I can't fucking move.
My breathing gets even heavier and I feel like I'm going to pass out.
I get my legs to move a little but my vision is already swimming.
I can't do this today. I can't.
I can't...
I can't...
I can't...
I need to run. I need to find Josiah.
I can't think straight.
I sprint at top speed in the opposite direction, to the class I know he has next.
Maybe he's just going in early or something to do homework...
Yeah. That's it.
He'll be there.
He has to be here...
If not, then I don't know where he is.
And if I don't know where he is, there a fucking high chance that he's dead.
I sprint at full speed, still hardly breathing and my vision swims again. I stumble and quickly open the door to history class.
It's empty.
He's not here.
I check again just to be sure and I shoot him a quick text.
Not that he will answer.
Are you at school?
I slip my phone into my pocket before shutting the classroom door.
My chest constricts, and I get a sharp pain at the base of my skull...and in my temples.
It's like my brain is on fucking fire.
That's new.
Good. Maybe I'm dying.
My vision swims and I duck into the empty classroom I was just looking in.
There won't be a class here for half an hour.
I'll be calmed down enough by then to find him.
I go in and lean against the wall, slowly sliding down onto the floor.
I need to breathe...
In and out.
Not that fucking hard. I've been doing it my whole life, you would think I wouldn't have to remind myself.
Once I can breathe a little bit, I try and get up, but I fall back down to my knees.
I can't do this anymore.
I can hardly breathe.
I try and breathe as I check my phone.
Maybe he's fine.
Maybe he's just sleeping...
Or something.
Sure.
I look at my messages.
No response.
This sends me into a panic again.
My hands won't stop shaking so much that it's almost impossible to press the buttons on my phone.
They've been shaking all day and won't fucking stop.
I call his phone, but it goes to voicemail.
"Call me back, please. As soon as you get this."
I say quickly then stuff my phone in my pocket.
Maybe he just... Overslept.
As if.
I hope to God this is the very first time he's skipped on his own terms.
I force myself up, this time being more successful and not falling on my face.
I'm really unsteady, but I should be able to get to his house.
I make it out to my motorcycle, and as soon as I'm on, I speed out of there, driving at speeds that are very much not safe.
I park across the street from his house and try to call him again and again.
End