"It's been three days, Zi, and she's barely moved from that spot except to go to the bathroom. I'm worried." Kass spoke in a rush, her voice fading.
The bed dipped beside her, and a large hand covered her arm.
"Ash, honey, you have to get up." Pulling the blankets back from her chin, Marcus brushed a damp curl back from her cheek.
Ashlyn's heavy stare shifted to Marcus, looking straight through him. Trapped within the crusted shell that encased her fractured heart, Ashlyn was a prisoner to grief. She heard Marcus speak, but it wasn't his voice that carried those words to her ears. It was his voice, that butterscotch voice that clung to her memories, an intimate whisper that found its way into her mind and her heart. Even in his absence, he haunted her.
Make it stop, her lips pleaded, the taste of salt upon them. Marcus' fingers continued to caress her cheeks, something damp and heavy pressing against her crown. A cloth.
"We're trying," he whispered, his hand shifting to her shoulder. "But we need you to fight through it. Can you do that for us?" He added, eyes as calm as the midnight sea piercing hers.
Swallowing through the dry lump in her throat, Ashlyn gave a weak nod. She couldn't bear this pain much longer. If they promised to take it away, even for just a moment, she had to try.
"Atta girl." Smiling, Marcus stood and placed the warm cloth on the bedside table. The vacant space he'd filled at her side was a cold reminder of what had led to this point.
'You don't have to go,' she'd said. 'I do,' he'd answered, sealing his goodbye with a damning kiss.
A girl, broken and afraid, contorted on the side of the road, a guy gone with barely a backward glance. The last thread that joined their hearts snapped painfully in two, the scarring whiplash the final reminder she had to last her through the day and the night.
Squeezing her eyes shut against the memories, Ashlyn resisted the ties that thought to draw her back into the pit of despair that had been her home for three days.
"Don't leave me now, Ash," Marcus called through the swirling darkness, a light breaching the narrowed slits as she opened her eyes. The smile upon his lips, much closer than she'd expected, forced that light to spread further, the lonely thoughts cowering in the recesses of her mind.
Tipping her head back, Ashlyn reached with trembling fingers for the glass of water. The condensation that trailed the side of the glass was cold against her fevered fingertips.
Slipping his hands beneath her arms, Marcus helped Ashlyn to sit up, straightening a pillow behind her back for comfort. Something tugged at the corners of her lips, the first smile she'd formed in three days filling her cheeks.
'Thank you,' she mouthed before gulping the water. The cool liquid slid down her throat, unlocking the dormant muscles. Her heart gave the first painful thump he hadn't caused, and her smile grew a little stronger.
"Anytime." Marcus smiled, settling beside her, his head resting against the wall as he closed his eyes. Reaching over him, she placed her glass back on the table. Beside it laid her phone, the object she'd watched vigilantly for days upon nights. Her hand hovered over the phone, fingers reaching for what messages spread beyond its blackened screen before another hand encased hers.
She gasped, looking up to see he watched her with one eye open. With a gentle shake of his head, he released her hand.
How did you know? Ashlyn asked, settling back against the pillow, to which Marcus only winked in answer.
Before Ashlyn could push it further, another voice in the hallway captured her attention.
"Yeah, I know... Okay... Marcus and I will do our best. Thanks, Zion." A phone call disconnected, and a heavy sigh echoed from the doorway.
Wincing as the tight muscles in her neck resisted the movement, Ashlyn turned her head to glance at her best friend. She looked terrible. Hair unkempt, bags under her eyes, and dressed in sweats; this wasn't the confident Kass she knew.
"Hey, sweetie," Kass whispered, her gaze flitting to Marcus, hesitation etched in her brow. Ashlyn's lip quivered, parting with a gasp that reached out to her. At once, Kass was crawling into the space at Ashlyn's other side and pulling her into an awkward hug. Pressing her palms against Kass' back, Ashlyn embraced the comfort.
"You have no idea how happy I am to see you sitting up," Kass sobbed, her arms squeezing her closer. Ashlyn tucked her head against Kass' shoulder, her hands moving in soothing circles.
"Hey, now, I helped. Do I get a hug too?" Marcus feigned offense before a heavyweight settled over Ashlyn's back. Sandwiched between them in a crushing hug, Ashlyn arched her neck and gasped for air. A soft chorus of laughter rose around her, and the weights pressing against her eased.
Kass held Ashlyn's cheeks, eyes boring into hers. "Don't ever do that to me again, okay?" She pressed her foreheads to Ashlyn's, and Ashlyn could feel the deep breath Kass drew brush against her nose.
Taking both of her hands, Ashlyn pulled them away and gave a gentle squeeze.
I'm sorry for scaring you, she said after placing Kass' hands in her lap.
"Watching you disappear like that again, I had no idea how to help or bring you back. It was your father, 2.0. If Marcus hadn't shown up, I don't know what I would have done. I'm just glad you're sitting up and talking to us again."
"Three days of your silence was torture," Marcus added, and Kass snorted. Ashlyn gave a breathy laugh of her own, and the three of them fell back against the pillows, finding joy in one another. With heads resting on each shoulder, Ashlyn closed her eyes and listened to the sound of her friends breathing, their steady hearts beating for her at that moment. It was the most beautiful symphony she'd ever heard.
Her heart still ached, and she knew it would take more than a hug or two to recover from this, but it was a start—a glimpse of the other side. Piece by piece, she would put her life back together and find a way to be strong for Kass and Marcus.
For her.
Ashlyn turned her foot beneath the sun's rays, watching as a rainbow refracted off her sandal buckle and danced upon the shimmering waters below. Moving to an unsung melody, her foot continued its orchestrations while she continued to nibble at the edge of her sandwich.
She knew Kass would be watching from the window across the street. She was always watching; even after Ashlyn had assured her it wasn't necessary.
Things hadn't quite gone back to the way they'd been before, but Ashlyn was trying. Each day she reclaimed a piece of normalcy, taking back what she'd lost during those dark days confined to her bed. She still had a way to go, but every day was another small step forward.
Taking lunch on the waterfront where they'd sat together on multiple occasions was one of those very steps, one which she took with one deep breath at a time.
"Mind if I join you?" A voice behind her asked. Ashlyn's heart skipped a beat, and, holding her breath, she turned, hoping it would be that sweet sunshine smile she'd dreamed off. Deflating just as quickly as hope had sprung, Ashlyn gave Lana an apologetic twitch of her lips.
Clearing the half-eaten mess beside her, Ashlyn made space for Lana to sit with her.
"I was worried when you didn't show up on Thursday," she said, positioning her legs beneath the railing, just as Ashlyn had.
Sorry. I had something come up, Ashlyn answered, her hands fidgeting in her lap. Guilt stirred within, and she couldn't meet Lana's gaze. Turning her head and looking out towards the horizon, Ashlyn focused on unclenching her fingers, one by one.
"I know." Lana leaned forward, her arms resting on one of the rails. "How are you really holding up, Ashlyn?" She asked after a comfortable pause.
Picking up a loose piece of debris, Ashlyn pressed her chest against the railing and dropped it into the waters below. Losing herself in the gentle plonk, Ashlyn took a calming breath, pondering the extent of her answer. Leaning back, she rubbed her hands together then turned to Lana.
He's gone, and it just feels like everything I've worked so hard to get away from has come flooding back in. She watched the waters ripple as a fish breathed below the glassy surface. It hurt so much. It still does.
"What about it hurts?"
He broke his promise. He said he'd never hurt me, but by leaving, that's exactly what he did. Ashlyn sniffed. He knew about my father, and still, he chose to go. This is why I didn't want to let him in, and why I avoided it for so long. Ashlyn paused, wiping her cheeks on the back of her sleeve. Letting people in only made the pain that would come later when they were gone that much more inevitable. After my father, I couldn't even consider what that would feel like a second time. There wasn't enough of me left to handle that kind of breakage. But it happened, and now I'm left to pick up the remaining pieces of myself.
"You let your best friend, Kass, in. And Abel. Why not Derek?" Lana tilted her head, her lips pursed.
Ashlyn's hand began rubbing at her arm before Lana cleared her throat, stopping her before her nails could scratch the surface.
'Sorry,' Ashlyn mouthed. Folding her legs, Ashlyn flexed her fingers against her legs before turning to answer Lana.
I never really got the choice with Kass. She kind of forced her way through my walls. Ashlyn chuckled, recounting the story of Kass' stubborn persistence that saw her knocking on Ashlyn's front door every day for three months to ask if Ashlyn would come out to play. Some days, she would set up camp on their front porch with her barbies or her rollerblades, while Ashlyn watched her through the window, wondering if she'd ever give up.
Eventually, Mom got so sick of hearing her knocking that she left the front door wide open. Kass walked right in, straight on to my room, and told me that I would play with her, and I was going to like it. Otherwise, she promised never to stop screaming until I did. After what felt like an eternity of screaming, I gave in and sat on the floor beside her, helping her to braid her doll's hair. After four days, she didn't have to scream anymore.
Ashlyn laughed, her fingers falling to trace a scratch in the rail. To this day, Kass hadn't changed. Not really.
"And Abel?"
He's always been family. A part of my old life in a way that Kass never was. He's so much like my father in my memories that, in a way, by keeping Abel close, it felt like I still had a piece of him with me. I couldn't have got through those first few months without him. Ashlyn sniffed as a tear trickled down the side of her nose. Wiping it quickly, before another could fall to take its place, she looked to Lana with eyes laced in sorrow.
I'd been so afraid to let Derek in, living in fear of this moment for so long. Regardless of how careful I was and how much I resisted him, the worst-case ended up happening anyway. He's gone. Even though he says it's only for a little while, it feels a while too long when your thoughts are what mine are. I wish I'd spent less time hiding and more time taking risks. Ashlyn shrugged, an act meant to brush off the rising anxieties that skirted the edges of her frail control.
"You've been fortunate to have some incredible people by your side, Ashlyn. But you've also known a great deal of loss and trauma. These sorts of things don't go away overnight. It's a work in progress, much like the work we've been doing, and each day, you are coming out stronger and better equipped for what lies ahead."
Ashlyn breathed in, and her shoulders rolled back. The person she was six weeks ago, six months ago even, would not have admitted half the things she had now.
"This is the first time you've even said Derek's name to me. That is progress." She leaned to the side and bumped Ashlyn's shoulder, a proud spark in her eyes.
It was time to stop hiding from the truth.
The smile upon Lana's lips told Ashlyn she was right. They sat in silence for a moment, Lana watching Ashlyn while she scratched at the chips in the railing.
"It's so peaceful out here. So quiet." Closing her eyes, Lana tipped her head back, the breeze dancing through her tight curls. The way the sun kissed her cheeks with a radiant glow, Ashlyn couldn't help but seize the desire to do the same.
Rolling up her sleeves, Ashlyn leaned back on her hands and welcomed the sun's kiss. It tingled upon her cheeks, the warmth seeping into her pores, through to her bloodstream as it carried throughout until everything felt alive.
After a long pause, Ashlyn felt Lana shift at her side, her curls brushing against Ashlyn's shoulder.
"Do you regret letting Kass and Abel in? Your family?"
Shaking her head, Ashlyn knew without a doubt she harbored no regrets about that decision.
"And what about Derek? Now that he's gone, do you have any regrets?"
Ashlyn hesitated. She opened her eyes and dusted the debris from her hands to buy herself some time. Every smile and every moment of laughter, every tear cried, and every fear tested, every flutter and every ache within her chest; no matter how much each had overwhelmed her in its own way, she couldn't bring herself to regret any of it. Even then, as she nursed a broken heart, Ashlyn knew that she would have endured it all over again for another moment with him.
No. Because of him, there was light again and a spark - even if a little muted right now - in her heart. I only regret not letting him in sooner, she answered. Her heart gave a little flutter at this acknowledgment.
"That's what I'd thought," Lana said quiet enough that Ashlyn wasn't quite sure she'd heard right. "He might have his own guilt and his own battles ahead, but it sounds like the care shared between the two of you was genuine, even if a little misguided at times." The sincerity in Lana's smile was unwavering. She chuckled at the confusion in Ashlyn's brow.
He is one of a kind. Ashlyn smiled, her hand absently pressing against her heart. You'd like him, Ashlyn added, turning her smile on Lana.
"What matters is that you do. And he you." Lana then made a show of checking their surroundings. "I probably shouldn't tell you this, but..."
I can keep a secret, Ashlyn interjected, shuffling a little bit closer to protect their secret. Lana winked, leaning closer.
"He came to see me before what should have been our first appointment. He all but begged me to find a space for you on my calendar. The choice to come had to be yours, and I think he knew that, but that man would have begged until he was blue in the face if that's what it would have taken to secure you that choice." Lana smiled at the memory Ashlyn was not privy to, but she didn't mind. She was too focused on the words Lana had led with, and not the words she continued to speak about choices.
Derek had begged for her to have this slot? This choice she hadn't thought she wanted? That's why they hadn't waitlisted her. Oh my god. He did this. Widened eyes looked to Lana, uncertain she'd heard right. How was that even possible?
Six weeks she'd spent questioning and doubting all that Derek had said and done for her. She'd branded him a liar, using his guilt against him to affirm her fears and protect herself from a heartache that had been inevitable. Yes, he'd messed up and hurt her, but he'd done so much more than that too.
All those sandy toes and salty kiss moments, warm sunsets, and nights stargazing were an honest declaration of Derek's heart's intent. He'd held her and been her comfort when fear had seized her. He'd been vulnerable, inviting her into the darkest depths of his soul, even when it had meant losing her so that she could see who he was. Patient and kind, he'd moved at her pace, never once pushing her beyond what he knew she was capable. He'd listened, and he'd learned, for her.
Derek was a man inspired by guilt but driven by a love so ingrained, and she'd been too blind to see it, to believe it.
Every word, every touch, and every moment together. Every gaze and every feeling.
It had been true. All of it was true.
"He told me a lot that day about the girl who'd given him hope again. The girl he professed to love and-"
I love him too, she signed, the words forming from her heart before her mind had a chance to process the action. When her gestures did register, the butterflies hibernating in her chest began to flutter, a gentle pitter-patter at first before it built into an uncontrollable thrumming that vibrated through her bones.
There was a revival in her soul, her spirit rejoicing as expert fingers weaved the threads between her broken heart, stitching it back together with the strongest of bonds; love.
I love him. Laughter bubbled behind sealed lips, breaking forth on a gasp that captured the air. I love Derek! Her cheeks ached with the weight of her joy, and wide eyes, alive with the spirit of things long forgotten, shifted to Lana. Holding her fingers to her lips, Ashlyn struggled to contain the tides of emotion that those three words had unleashed.
"I know you do." Lana grinned, her cheeks splitting with the shared size of the joy she expressed. "The question now is, how are you going to let that dictate what you do next? Because what you choose to do now, for yourself and no one else, makes all the difference."