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Nikki's POV, July 1987
Hello, welcome back to the shit show which is my life.
We'd been on the road just under a month and I can safely say, I regret ever coming on this tour. I thought it was going to be easy with Tommy ignoring me like the plague and all, but no, it wasn't- it was so fucking difficult. I had to see him everyday and have him look at me with such disappointment and hurt, it made me want to curl up and die.
River from what I'd seen was looked after by Doug while we were on stage seems as Doc is still slightly against her, he needs to get the fuck over it because I swear to god if he doesn't accept her or me I will fire him pretty soon.
But that's not important because at least Doc could see River if he wanted too, not that he does- but still. I hadn't spent a second alone with her since Tommy walked out on me, I'd seen her from across a dressing room a couple of times if Doug was hanging around or if Vince had taken her off Doug's hands but I wasn't allowed to be with her alone in any capacity.
My heart was being torn apart bit by bit each day, it was now unbearable, it was killing me in the slowest and most painful way possible.
So much so, that the concoction of heroin and cocaine had become my regular choice for a hit now, it did exactly what I wanted, it made me emotionless the thing that heroin alone used to do but no longer can.
There is a slight issue though today, this morning wasn't the greatest morning ever, well, last night and this morning shall I say- seems as I hadn't slept almost at all last night, I got an hour at most but then after waking up from the moment of sleep I felt like shit, literally the most depressed I've ever felt and I don't know where it came from.
So, from the second I woke up which was about 8am this morning to now, 5 minutes before a show- I'd drank 3 litre bottles of whiskey aswell as injecting my jacked heroin every 60 minutes. It made me feel fucking great earlier but now combined with my exhaustion I felt so hazy, I was fading in and out of clear and clouded vision and I felt like I was going to throw up at any point.
Self sabotaging? I'm the king of it. Literally.
My make up was shoved on my face the best I could with my current state, I'm surprised Doug, Doc or Tommy haven't forced me into rehab if I'm honest- but hey, I'm not complaining, if I was going to go for help I want to go because I want to be there not because someone said I have to be.
Mick came in seconds before we were going to get called to be by the stage, he asked me if I was well enough to perform, I nodded not really having the energy to talk- Mick asked me a second time and I managed to say am actual word, a simple 'yeah', he didn't believe me but knew better than to argue with me even when I wasn't my best.
We ended up walking to the stage together, Tommy caught my eye and he stared at me quite startled at how ill I looked- his eyes racked over my form with so many emotions, so I took this opportunity to talk to him "T-Bone... can we talk?" I whisper shifting from foot to foot.
The moment I spoke he looked away from me and folded his arms over his chest "What about, Sixx?" He sighed sounding done with me.
"About us... about why you've ignored me for a month" I said sharper than I intended but oh well, fuck it.
"Funny, you ignored me for about 4- so, I don't think you can really complain can you?" He retorted but I can see he instantly regretted his tone, so much so that I saw him backing away from me slightly "Look, talk to me when you're not off your face, cause I can't fucking stand to be around you right now, man."
Tommy then left me to go chat to Vince, a figure to the side of me caught my eye, I knew who it was- it was Mick, it was always Mick. I looked over at him who just looked sympathetic "What?" I snapped.
"Nothing... I'm not gonna go on at you, but this just needs to stop. You two being like this, your so cold to each other. Talk to him, tell him everything because he needs to know. He loves you Nikki"
I scoffed "No, he doesn't"
"Yes he does and you fucking know it, he's just frustrated with you, so is everyone else. You have to come clean about whatever you've done, Vince told me that you want to get help after we do the tour, that serious?"
"Motherfucker" I mumble under my breath. Why couldn't Vince keep that to himself?
Mick caught the expletive and took it as a 'yes' "The way to start getting yourself back on track is telling him what you've done. This is between you and him so I ain't forcing ya to do anything but for your own sanity, his and everyone's else's- just solve whatever the fuck's going on in your head and talk to him"
Before I could reply Doc and a stage manager came over and we were told to go out on stage as quick as possible, so I half stumbled my way into position trying my best to look lucid and happy.
Vince throughout the entire first part of the show sent me a number of glares because I was fucking up left, right and centre.
It wasn't overly obvious to the audience but to the rest of the band it was, they all heard the sloppiness in my playing- my mind was too messed up and way too focused on trying not to empty my stomach contents onto the stage that most of Vince's death stares went completely ignored.
But, I did think over Mick's words about talking to Tommy and that's exactly what I was going to do whether he wanted to talk or not because I hated the fact that he hated me- we were so in love last year and now we can barely even stand next to each other for 10 motherfucking seconds.
The last month has been torture, Mick's right I need to get my head out my ass and talk. As much as I hated the idea, it has to be done and done now.
After a few more songs and some audience interaction from Vince, Tommy's drum solo was creeping up which gives me the time to think through what I'm going to say to him and how I'll get him to talk to me.
The second we got off stage to leave Tommy to his solo I get a instant mouthful from Vince about my less than amazing bass work. If I wasn't this washed out I would have decked him right there and then.
"What the fuck was that, bro? Like for real? If you ain't well enough to play ya coulda said something earlier instead of waiting until we were on fucking stage! Man, pull your head out the clouds and listen to yourself!"
"Vin... d-don't" I said running a hand down my face really not feeling well enough to talk, I just felt so sick.
"Whatever, just get you head together, Sixx! And do it quick! Fuck man!" Vince exclaimed frustrated, he wanted to continue tearing into me but I think he saw I was in not state to talk to he resulted in shaking his head in disapproval walking off to get a drink afterwards.
For a short while, I stood still until I went dizzy all of a sudden, I steadied myself on a couple of unused speakers which were just laying back here, well, I'm glad they're there otherwise I would have fell to the ground just then.
A hand then appeared on my shoulder "Bassist?"
I groaned in response- feeling my stomach churn at the same time and I'm surprised I didn't throw up all over Mick right then but I managed to control myself and keep everything down.
"Fuck, You can't do the show like this Nikki, you're literally about to collapse-"
"I-I'm fine" I mutter.
"Nik-"
"I'm fine!" I argued shoving the guitarists hand off me just wanting to get the show over with so I can talk to Tommy, Mick held his hands up in defence before backing off leaving me in my own thoughts.
When Tommy's solo did finally come to an end and we all went back out I managed to do the rest of the show but was clearly not all there and I was playing the worst I've played tonight. The nausea got worse and worse as the show went on, and came close to throwing up again atleast 4 more times... maybe I shouldn't have mixed drugs and drank all that alcohol earlier, huh?
Tommy during the middle of one of the last songs actually purposely threw a drumstick at me to get my attention which surprised me because of our mini conversation earlier... maybe he did care after all.
I looked at him half assed as he mouthed 'Are you okay?'
I nodded going to turn away but then remembered that we had a lot of shit to discuss so I looked back and mouthed 'We need to talk, Tom', although my vision right now was about 5/20 I saw him hesitantly nod back sensing my silent desperation- that and I think he wanted to make sure I was okay.
That was something I guess.
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The show was done. Thank fuck, because I was 10 seconds away from collapsing, no joke but I wish I was joking because I felt so disgusting.
I walked off stage and placed my bass down next to Mick's guitar but then the second I did instantly my stomach churned, and I was smacked full force with nausea once again, but this time there was no stopping the bile forcing it's way up my throat.
My legs moved before my brain registered the movement as I ran to my dressing room and into the bathroom attached hardly making it to the floor and over the toilet bowl before I was bringing up what felt like gallons of vomit.
It was a horrific sight, one no doubt from a horror movie.
As I sat there throwing my insides up, I didn't really fully register the footsteps approaching me or the small sigh which sounded before the person knelt down next to me and moved my hair behind my back as I still wretched into the toilet bowl.
"Brings back memories, doesn't it?" Tommy's voice spoke from beside me "Not pleasant ones for you I don't think but... you know what I mean, we weren't at each other's throats then"
I didn't reply because I couldn't at that moment, but after a few minutes I'd thrown up as much as I could so I fell against the wall and looked at Tommy and he looked at me.
"Why do this? Why didn't you get help, Nik. That's what I thought leaving would do, I thought it'd kick you up the ass and make you get help, but it made you worse... didn't it?" He asked guiltily messing with the waistband of his pants.
I didn't reply but I didn't need too, he knew the answer, then I decided maybe not saying anything wasn't a good move "I-it's not all your fault. I just couldn't find the courage to go to a-anyone"
Tommy grunted "Not even to me?"
"I truly a-am sorry, but you don't know what it's like, the drugs were just meant to be there for me, t-to help with the stress of River, the album and the tour it wasn't meant to s-spiral into this"
"That doesn't answer anything! You didn't have to do the drugs, I was there for you to talk too, I was there so you didn't have to worry or stress out, that's what I've always been there for- but you chose spilling your thoughts to a drug. I don't know whether to be pissed off at you or feel sorry for you. You blamed me for everything, blamed me for you fucking up our relationship! You know as well as I do, that I'm not the cause of this!"
Tommy was borderline shouting at this point but we needed to have this conversation, I needed to tell him everything "I know, I know... this isn't your fault... I'm not going to lie and say seeing you with Heather didn't hurt 'cause it did, it really fucking did but you weren't the reason for the drugs, that was all me, it's always been me."
The drummer calmed slightly the more I spoke so when he went to speak his tone was at a regular volume once again "I-.. look, Nikki... this isn't the right place to discuss this... come to my hotel room, we can properly talk, yeah?"
I hummed before asking him a question, a question which I'm hoping he'd say yes to "Can-.. I was just wondering... if.. if I can see River?"
The second I spoke the drummers face turned unsure "Nik, I don't think that's a good idea-"
"Please" I choked out "I-I don't care if she doesn't live with me ever again. She needs to be s-safe, which isn't with me at the moment, I know, but I-... I have to see her, please, I need to see her- even if it's just for a few minutes"
I saw as Tom thought through my request carefully before he came to a decision "Fine, you can see her but in exchange I want answers Nikki, proper truthful answers. Can you do that?"
I nodded as enthusiastically as I could manage "Yeah, I can do that" Tommy smiles half-heartedly at my words before getting up to leave "Tom" I said quickly causing him to turn back to me "Thank you"
Tommy's smile widened as he shoved his hands into his pockets rocking back and forth on his feet as he shrugged- his gaze then met mine "You gonna be okay?"
"Yeah, I'm okay" I smile still feeling completely out of it, but I wasn't nauseous anymore so, it was a serious improvement from earlier.
Tommy clears his throat "Y'know, I'm glad you wanted to talk because I was waiting for you to come to me... properly I mean.. and this.." he says while gesturing between us "Has gone on too long, I want to help you Nikki, if you'll let me"
"I want you to help me because I can't do it on my own... I think you know that as much as I do."
"Yeah, I know... I'll see you later"
"See ya" I said while averting my gaze to the floor.
It was time to come clean about what I did to River... this was going to hard but it was worth it because in exchange I get my family back. I want Tommy back- I want my life back.
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