A/N: Sorry 😭
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Nikki's POV, April 1987
It had been a further few days since the incident with River and the guilt over the incident has festered and grown within my mind, so much so that I'd once again upped my heroin doses, once again I'd distanced myself from Tommy. It was the best way to deal with it, Tommy would hate me if he found out what I'd done, the way I'd shouted at River was completely unacceptable.
Tommy wasn't in the house, he's gone over to Heather's yet again. He had a pretty decent streak of not seeing her, yet she'd rang here and asked if she could meet up with him today, he didn't tell me why she wanted to see him, just that he was going to see her.
My paranoia had been building and getting to me badly, so much so that I was pacing around the bedroom like a caged animal trying to rationalize why Tommy was with Heather today rather than being here with me, I'm trying to remind myself that he loves me but everytime I do this little voice in the back of my head contradicts everything rational with counter comments.
Always telling me that Tommy doesn't love me, that he's probably with Heather right now bending her over some table and fucking her.
It was bullshit, I knew that, but what if?
Also, one of the many side effects of this amount of heroin mixed what the fuck ever else I have lying around- usually cocaine, was the hallucinations, some were voices some were full blown apparitions of my deepest fears, mostly my mom and her abusive boyfriends- recently though Tommy was getting more and more common, I'd hallucinate him telling me that I was nothing to him, just a fuck up junkie who didn't deserve him.
This was true but it hurt to hear from Tommy... hallucination or not.
I'd tripped out a couple of times with Tommy in the house recently but I'd somehow managed to keep the panic and insanity to a minimum but acted weird enough that he questioned me on it many times.
By now I knew he knew I was on something, but he's never asked me what maybe because he doesn't want to think about the different substances I could be putting into my body.
But me being me, I was obviously going to pick ones which were the worst and most destructive you can. That's just me.
As a matter of fact, I was hallucinating right now, although I'd lost track of what was real and drug induced at this point, the voices were coming from all around me I'd seen shadows standing in the corner of the room whispering my name.
"Nikki..."
"Nikki..."
"Nikki..."
Sometimes one voice sounded like Tommy, sometimes one sounded like Mick or Vince, some would be a little girls voice- one which I assume is meant to be River- calling out "Daddy..." but the main one was my mom, her voice was always the clearest and loudest and the one that still manages to place fear in my heart after all these years.
My pacing continued for a while until the voice of my mom sounds throughout the room "Frankie..."
"Go away, go away, go away, please go away" I mutter under my breath, trying my hardest to block her out.
"Look, at me Frankie..." My body started to tremble slightly as I heard footsteps come closer to me "Look at me"
Reluctantly, I stopped moving and slowly turned to face the woman who wore a sadistic smirk on her lips "There's my baby boy" Deana says reaching out to me but I step away.
"Don't touch me!"
Her face drops "That's not very nice, Frankie"
"I don't fucking care! You have no right to be here! Get out! Leave me alone! And that's not my fucking name!" I exclaimed staring my mother down with hate filled eyes.
Deana ignores my question and shakes her head "How long can you keep doing this?"
My face hardens completely as I spat "Do what?"
"The drugs"
"None of your business" I said simply and sharply just wanting her to leave me alone now, I didn't want her around me, she made me feel like a child again, a scared little boy who used to cry himself to asleep night after night hating everything about his life, including his own existence.
"Of course it's my business... she's my granddaughter... how long is it until you hurt her, Frankie... how long until you kill her..?"
My eyes burned with rage at her words. How dare she, she's doesn't know me. I'd never hurt River. "Never! I wouldn't hurt her! Ever! I'd die before I'd lay a finger on her, I will not turn into you!"
The woman chuckled bitterly "Oh, but Frankie, you already are like me. She'd be safer away from you, far far away, you know that"
I shake my head frantically feeling my heart beating at a less than healthy rate "No, no, she needs me, she needs me! She's safe here with her parents, with me and Tommy. She wouldn't be better off anywhere else"
Deana smiles and walks around the room, looking around speaking as she did "She would, Frankie. You can't look after her"
"I am looking after her! What am I doing now, huh? At least I'm actually here unlike you- I don't go out and leave her for hours and days alone to fend for herself like you did to me!"
Deana laughed shaking her head "You might be here physically but mentally your not, are you? I always knew you'd end up like this, I always knew you'd end up as a junkie and a good for nothing piece of shit like your father"
"FUCK YOU! I'M NOT LIKE HIM!" I screamed stepping closer to her, shooting daggers towards the woman she didn't even bat an eyelid towards me.
"You keep saying that yet I'm seeing no evidence to back up you claim, your not fit to be a parent. You never have been, your not even fit to be a son to me"
"Don't tell me what I'm fit to be, you always told me that making a name for myself was going to be impossible, yet here I am. I proved you wrong and that's exactly what I'm going to do again, I can look after my daughter, I can" I said hatefully, but my voice was slightly less confident as I spoke this time because a small part of me doubted those words.
"You can't while on drugs, like I couldn't look after you while drunk. We're the same Frankie why can't you accept that? You ended out the same as your parents, the people you always preached to me and everyone else about how you were going to be the opposite... well look in a mirror and accept that you failed"
The end of my tether was approaching, I want going to listen to this anymore- she needs to go. She knows nothing, she can't give me advice not after what she put me through as a child "You need to leave me the fuck alone" I insisted sharply.
"Why? Hard to hear the truth"
I dropped my voice low "No, I just don't wanna see you- you ruined my life I'm not letting you ruin River's, you need to go now"
"Oh, I'll go... but I'm going to take her from you. She's better off with me, she's safer with me Frankie" My mother took one more look at me before making her way out the door of the bedroom.
When Deana left sight my eyes widened, panic consumed my drug ridden mind and fear took up the remaining clear parts of my brain, I was an actual mess at the thought of my mother taking my child from me, in that moment I scrambled for my beside table and opened a draw to pull out my gun- it wasn't a rational thing to do but I'm not being rational, I'm high, scared and full of hatred towards that thing I call a mother.
After I had my gun in my hand I walked swiftly into Rivers room after my mom and as soon as I opened the door I saw her, she was kneeling infont of my daughters crib, anger bubbles inside me at a dangerous level "Get away from her!" I growled.
"No... she needs a life. A better life and that can only be achieved away from you"
"You can't do this! I'm fine, I'm okay! There's nothing wrong with me! Don't take her from me!" I said almost pleading still deeply angry but anger wasn't going to solve anything right now.
"Look at you, even I wasn't this fucked up... I'm taking her from you and there's nothing you can do to stop me" Deana stands and slowly goes to pick up my daughter and in the heat of the moment, there's nothing I can think of doing when I'm this drugged up other than to take the safety off my gun and raise it.
I can't lose River, especially not to her..
"I SAID DON'T FUCKING TAKE HER FROM ME!" I yelled sounding so unrecognisable I was almost afraid of myself.
What was I becoming?... Unfortunately that exact question is about to be answered.
Not a second later I found myself pulling the trigger, causing the bullet to go right into my mothers back- the noise from the shot echoing throughout the house, followed by an eerie deathly silence.
The instant the bullet exited the gun my mom disappeared into thin air, my mind didn't comprehend what had happened for a few seconds.
It was only when my ears heard the screeches of River that it hit me.
It was all a hallucination and I'd just shot a gun towards my daughter.
Shit... oh my god, what-... what have I done?
My eyes met the hole in the carpet where the bullet had gone straight through- less than 2 inches below River's head, then I glanced up at my daughter who was kicking and screaming the most blood curdling screams I've ever heard... all because of me.
I could have killed my baby. Actually, killed her. What am I doing, what have I actually become? What have I let the drugs do to me? What do I do? What about Tommy- oh, fuck... what am I going to tell Tommy.
My breathing quickens and I feel the world begin to spin- this soon spiralled into me not being able to breathe at all, the panic engulfed me once again as I scrambled backwards, slamming against the wall placing my head in my hands whimpering, unable to gain any composure, I began pulling at my hair in desperation, shock and self hatred.
No, no, no- I need to get out of here. I have to go. I have to go. I can't stay here...
My legs move before my brain could register it as I slid against the wall out of the room into the hallway now full on sobbing, I sprint downstairs and slide on some shoes and grab a jacket before running out the house, not bothering to close the door, not even looking back as I just needed to get away from everything.
When I got to the end of the street I threw the gun not seeing where it landed, never wanting to see another weapon ever again. After that had been done, I just ran, and ran and ran.
Sobbing harder and harder and harder.
I was a mess, a literal and metaphorical mess. What was wrong with me?
Eventually, I had no other choice other than to run to my dealers house. I got there within a few minutes still hyperventilating and banged on the door helplessly- a few seconds pass before the door opens sluggishly "What? I-" the man began before seeing the state I was in "Nikki? What the fuck happened to you?"
"I- I c-can't... I can't.. ju-..just, I can't b-be with h-..her, R-River-, she's I-.. she's n..not safe, I- please, c-can I s-s-stay here just for- for t-tonight... I can't- please" I sobbed having no other option than to stay here. Vince and Mick were off the table because they'd tell Tommy and right now that's something I can't face.
All my dealer did was nod wide eyed at my distress stepping aside for me to enter the house "Go upstairs, the first room on the right. Get some sleep Nikki..."
No words came from my mouth, I just cried hysterically and bounded up the staircase heading into the room I was told and slamming the door, collapsing onto the bed, screaming into the pillow in both anger and fear of myself.
I could have killed her, an inch or two further up and she'd be dead- how didn't I realize it wasn't real?... How?
My mind just wanted to shut down, wanted to sleep so it could escape the reality of what just happened even if it was only for tonight.
Although she was a hallucination, maybe Deana was right... maybe she was safer without me. Both River and Tommy were safer without me. I was going to keep this quiet for as long as I could from Tommy, I'll bullshit something, I'm good at that. Maybe I'll tell the truth at some point but I don't see it being any time soon, he'd leave me in a heartbeat if he found out and that would kill me no doubt.
I couldn't sleep I heard my fewer clatter around downstairs for about 10 minutes before I heard him head upstairs and knock on the door "Nikki? You need anything?"
"J-just- just l-... leave me the.. f..fuck a-a-alone" I rasp out loud enough for him to hear, he sighs and after a little mental debating decides he won't do much to help me and walks off in the direction of his bedroom.
I appreciate the fact he wants to help, but he can't. Nobody can.
This has to stop, I know... but I physically can't... I just...- fuck, I almost just killed my own daughter and I still can't say I'll give up heroin. I'm an awful fucking person.. I'm an actual awful person.
To try and aid in my failing quest for sleep, I get under the bed clothes and wrap them tightly against my body. It takes a while but eventually I do manage to drift off into a light slumber dreading having to head home tomorrow.
It's gonna be fine... River's fine... it's all fine.
I was walking on thin ice now, very thin and it was beginning to crack, pretty soon I was going to fall through.
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