~ ~ ~ ~ MEGAN'S POV ~ ~ ~ ~
Not seeing Sam in class was startling, and as much as I wanted to hurry and text her I knew I couldn't. I had a class to teach, and honestly I was hoping she would have the nerve to contact me first.
Ever since yesterday I had avoided her, simply because what she had done with Becca had really pissed me off. Not only did she sort of lie about lunch but she had been keeping something from me, which I considered hiding. I wanted to forgive her but knowing she had kept something from me made me question her motives.
Why had she kept it from me?
Was it because she was afraid? Because she felt like if she told me I would blow up and get mad? It made sense, if that was the reasoning behind it of course, but I didn't know for sure because we hadn't had a real chance to talk about it.
But now she wasn't in class and it was worrying me, because I at least expected to receive a text from her telling me why but there was nothing. I had no missed calls and no texts, which was honestly a bit weird and angered me a little.
Had she overslept after work last night? Was she too afraid to face me? Was she hiding something from me? Or was it something more...?
I rolled my eyes at the thought of Sam hiding something from me which felt absurd. I knew how she felt about me, and if Sam was stupid enough to do something like that there had better be a damn good reason.
The thought of her hiding something from me terrified me, mostly because I knew she had a part of me that made me vulnerable. It scared me knowing that Sam had the power to hurt me even though I trusted she wouldn't, which actually made me even more vulnerable.
But I would always give her the benefit of the doubt from now on until she proved me otherwise.
Fourth hour passed slowly but soon the kids were walking out the door, leaving me alone in my classroom and causing me to realize how much I missed Sam's company. I grabbed my phone and pulled up my texts, still not seeing anything from her.
Was she avoiding me?
I wrote a quick text, "Why weren't you at school today?"
I set my phone down and tried to distract myself, not expecting her to text back immediately. If she wasn't at school that meant she was doing something else, and she might not have her phone in her hand.
But only five minutes passed before I heard my phone ring out, "Felt sick this morning after work, stayed home."
I don't know why but something in me felt weird, and reading her dry text only made me feel even worse. Was she really feeling bad or did she just decide to skip today? Why had she skipped anyway? What if she was with someone else, or what if she was with Becca...?
Something inside me was lit on fire at the thought.
No, she wouldn't do something stupid like that. I knew Sam wasn't like she used to be, and I continued giving her the benefit of the doubt as I texted her back quickly.
"Would you want me to come over after school?"
I stared at my phone then, watching the three dots disappear and reappear multiple times, like she was retyping a response over and over. Something was up with Sam, and as much as I wanted to push it to the back of my mind I couldn't.
She responded, "No, I don't want to get you sick. I'll see you tomorrow in class."
Something in me shuddered with a familiar sense of pain as I read and re-read her text message, attempting to understand it. It didn't make sense to me, considering she never told me no to coming over, not even when she felt bad.
A part of me wanted to not give her a choice and show up anyway but another part wanted me to give her some space and see if she took initiative for once. I wanted her to come to me this time, and if she did then I would no longer need any reassurance.
But could I wait it out for her? Could I wait for her to decide to follow me for once?
I began shuffling through my papers as I came across an all too familiar slip of paper that resembled a note. I sighed heavily, picking it up and reading as I folded it back up and put it inside my purse.
I had been offered a job at a high school near the state university at another high school, which was something that could be really good for me and Sam. I figured after the school year if she wanted to get serious then we could move but she has yet to bring it up and I was starting to lose hope.
Every time I thought she would ask me to be her girlfriend she just swerved around it, and I was starting to get second thoughts about us.
I didn't know what she wanted from me anymore, and I didn't know if it was sex or something a little more than that. I was trying to be patient but it was hard, and now that she was acting sketchier than ever... well the second thoughts were coming very often now.
It was terrifying because I knew I loved Sam, and I knew I wanted to be with her. I knew what I wanted but I was afraid she didn't, and maybe she was realizing she didn't want me and was now pushing me away.
Was that possible? Was it possible that she didn't care about me the same way I cared about her? It seemed almost impossible when I looked back on everything we shared. All of the kisses and the confessions and the sex... everything contradicted her actions.
The way she kissed me disputed the way she avoided commitment, and the way she touched me went against everything she was doing right now.
Something just felt so wrong and I had no idea what it was.
I had promised her I would wait for her to ask me but looking at everything that was going on now made me feel like it was never going to happen.
Maybe I was wasting my time. Maybe I should just accept the job offering and move the hell away from her and see if she chased me, but a part of me was afraid she wouldn't. Would she chase me if I left? She could if she wanted to, she was an adult now, and if she wanted out of Shawn's place she was more than welcome to move in with me.
But she never brought it up, which made me believe she wasn't ready.
Maybe I was in over my head, and maybe Sam was just too much that I couldn't handle.
No, stop, that was nonsense. I was the only one who could handle Sam, and everyone knew that. Shawn, Blair, hell, even Sam herself knew I was one of the few who could handle all her shit and still stick around.
That wasn't the problem.
So what was the problem? What was she waiting for? Was she still afraid? Was she having second thoughts too? Or was there something else I wasn't seeing? Was there someone else that was in the background? Or was it me that was in the background?
Not knowing was managing to drive me crazy, and for the rest of the school day it was literally all I could think about. It made me so senseless that I had almost considered showing up at her house with her unaware to try and catch her lying, but that would be so wrong on so many levels.
Assuming was wrong.
But I needed to talk to her, and I didn't want it to be over text, so maybe once I was out of here I would call her up and get a few answers. I needed something to calm my racing mind, and it would be easier for me to hear something weird in her voice rather than through her text messages.
I heard the bell ring above me as I packed up my things, shutting off my computer and grabbing my bag to leave. I was ready to give Sam a call and see if she was okay considering she hadn't given me much over our text convo.
I made it to the parking lot before I dialed her, hearing it ring about four times before she picked up.
She answered, "Hey."
I felt a little relief from the sound of her voice, not being able to help the smile that spread across my lips, "Sam, are you feeling okay?"
She had hesitation in her answer but she regained herself, "Y-Yea I uh, just a stomach virus. Must be going around."
Not only had she stuttered but she had hesitated, which really caught me off guard because it just sounded like she was lying... but I would continue playing it off.
I climbed into my car, "You sure you don't want me to stop by?"
She didn't hesitate this time, and her voice wasn't shaky, it was actually quite stern, "No, don't. I uh, I don't want you to get sick. You have an entire week of school left."
There was something wrong, and even thought I couldn't put my finger on it I could tell simply by the tone of her voice. She was hiding something, and knowing that after the whole incident yesterday really managed to get under my skin.
And it really pissed me off.
I spoke firmly into the phone, "Sam, we never got to talk about yesterday. I want to know-"
"I don't want to talk right now, I'm busy."
I rolled my eyes, "Sam, what could you possibly be doing right now?"
She hesitated on the other side and breathed in the phone, sounding as if she was having an extremely hard time. Then out of nowhere she confessed, "I don't want to talk to you, Megan."
Something in her voice sounded so dark and sad that it scared me, and a part of me didn't want to believe what she had just said.
All I could respond was, "What?"
I heard her take a deep breath on the other side of the line before answering, "I don't want to talk to you. I need... I need some space. Just give me until graduation... to figure us out, okay?"
I questioned, "Why until graduation?"
"Because... I just want to make sure... I just wanna make sure this is what I want."
This time she sounded more convincing but it didn't settle my un-resting heart that was slamming against my chest. Was she really saying this to me? After everything we had gone through to get where we were today?
After me breaking her walls? After Tampa?
I sighed, "Sam, we've barely been able to see each other since Tampa... I don't get why-"
"It's too much for me, Megan. You're too much for me."
I couldn't believe what she was saying to me, and this time I could hear shakiness in her voice, as if this was hard for her. I didn't understand but I didn't want to argue with her, I didn't want to be overbearing and force her to tell me things she wasn't ready for.
I wanted to stick to my promise, but my heart was getting in the way.
"I'm too much for you? Sam do you hear yourself?"
I was growing impatient, and knowing she didn't want to see me only made it worse. I waited for her to answer but she wasn't going to, she was just listening to my heavy breathing while it sounded as if she wasn't breathing at all.
What was wrong with her?
I spoke, "Sam, I'm coming over."
That's when she changed completely, as if she was a different person. She yelled at me through the phone, "I don't want to see you Megan, just give me some goddamn time!"
Something inside me not only quivered with pain but also with fear, and hearing her voice on the other end talk to me like that... it wasn't the Sam I knew. She had sounded completely different, as if a demon had overtaken her body and forced her to say that.
She wasn't okay, but she had sounded so demanding when she told me to stay away, like she had rehearsed it.
I spoke, "Why are you talking to me like that?!"
I waited for her answer but it was silent, and I pulled back to see that she had in fact hung up on me. I threw my phone down on the passenger seat and raced forward, wondering what the hell was actually going on.
Was she really in need of space? Had I scared her yesterday when I walked away from her? Did she think I was shutting her out and she felt the need to do the same?
Was it me that fucked up? Or was it something else?
I didn't know what to do now, and there was absolutely something wrong with Sam, I just had no idea what it was. She had sounded really messed up on the phone which was actually pretty scary considering her voice had been so fearful....
Was she... scared?
What was she afraid of? Was she even afraid? What the hell was going on!?
I couldn't take it anymore as I drove to her house, knowing this could end so bad but not caring. I needed to know what the hell was going on, and waiting for tomorrow couldn't happen.
I wouldn't be able to do it.
I pulled into the parking lot of Sam's apartment complex and drove towards her building, quickly finding a parking space in the process.
Then as I looked up to get out of my car I saw someone familiar, and saying it didn't make me completely furious would be a total lie. I watched silently as Becca walked from Sam's door, checking her phone and putting it to her ear.
Why had Becca been here? And why didn't Sam tell me?
Everything seemed to become clear as to why Sam was avoiding me and acting extremely sketchy, but thinking that she would be fucking around with Becca was beyond me. Would she really do such a thing? After everything we had been through? Would she just throw all of that away for someone who she had no history or emotion with?
I watched and waited till Becca left the parking lot to get out, nearly storming over to Sam's door and knocking loudly.
I listened to her footsteps behind the door as the chain-lock fell on the other side. The door began to open as I heard her ask, "Did you forget something?"
Her blue eyes looked up at me and suddenly she was afraid, angry, and confused all at the same time. She had most likely been expecting Becca but instead got me, someone who probably looked as if she could rip the head off of a body right now.
She questioned, "W-What are you..."
I stormed into her house, coming close to her, "Really Sam? You push me away but you allow Becca to come over and keep you company?"
I was furious, and even though Sam was still in a dazed and shocked state I couldn't help but take in her appearance. She looked tired and sad, but thinking of a reason as to why she would be was beyond my knowledge. She was refusing to talk to me no matter how much I begged her.
She shook her head, and I could see her puffy lifeless eyes which actually scared me. Her hollow voice answered, "It's not what it looks like Megan, she just showed up... But you need to go."
I shook my head, "I'm not going anywhere until we talk."
"I told you I didn't want to talk Megan."
I wanted to yell but as I took in her body I noticed something on her arm, it was a bruise in the shape of a hand. I didn't give her enough time to let her see I had noticed but something in me wondered what the hell who that could be from.
Had someone grabbed her... had she... had she had sex with Becca?
I didn't know why else she would have a bruise the size of a hand on her forearm, but the images I was conjuring up angered me.
She spoke, "Leave."
Her light eyes were dead, as if there was nothing left inside her, like her soul wasn't in her body. She looked different, her face was pale and her eyes were red, and her entire demeanor had altered from yesterday when I had come over.
After everything that had happened the only logical explanation I could come up with was she was fucking with other girls. It would explain the bruise on her arm and how she was obviously trying to shut me out. It would explain attempting to hide both Becca incidents. Why would she do that to me? After everything we had promised each other?
I spoke in a low tone, knowing that the longer I stayed the more pain I would have to hold back, "Answer me this before I go."
I could see something in her eyes, as if she wanted to tell me something but continued to hold back. If she was fucking Becca behind my back then I wanted her to tell me.
She sighed heavily and asked, "What?"
I could feel the tears threatening but I didn't want to break in front of her, I guess it was something she had taught me. If she was going to break my heart I wasn't going to let her see it, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.
I nearly whispered, "Is there someone else? Is that what this is?"
Her eyes fell from mine as she continued to lean against the hallway wall, as if she didn't want me to see something. This was it, this was my world crumbling once again under my feet. This was the moment of truth between us.
But she didn't answer; she just stared at the ground which was enough of an answer for me.
I felt something inside me shatter as I shook my head, not being able to breath for a split second. I wanted to tell her to go and fuck herself, and I wanted to do a lot to hurt her, but I knew that would be low of me. I always wanted to be the bigger person and this was my chance, and cutting Sam down wouldn't do anything but hurt both of us.
So all I could do was turn on my heels and leave her there, but not before remembering the job offering I had received.
I turned back around, coming face to face with those dull eyes, the same eyes I had met at the beginning of the school year. Except there was no fire anymore, there was no life and that was truly the scariest thing I had ever witnessed.
"I got a job offering near the university... I never got to tell you."
I saw her eye twitch, as if something inside her had snapped for good but she nodded, "That's awesome."
Then I delivered the blow that would determine the fate of this relationship, "I'm taking it."
She never blinked and she never looked away from me, all she did was nod as if it had absolutely no effect on her. She didn't protest, she didn't fight, and she didn't even try to convince me otherwise as she responded, "You should."
And just like that Sam and I were through, as if we had never happened. As if all the fights and all the hard feelings had never existed. It felt as if my entire world had flipped inside out as I stared at the blonde in front of me, searching those once-lively eyes for any sign of compassion or light but there was none.
All the times we had made love, all the times we had stayed up late talking the night away replayed through my head as I walked swiftly to my car. I sat and cranked it to life but I felt just as lifeless as Sam had looked, as if she had given up then so had I. It was like nothing existed anymore as I made my way home, not knowing how I was going to deal with this.
Why had she done this? Why had she lied to me? Why had she made me fall in love with her if all she was going to do was fuck me over? Why had she promised me? Why had she made me promise her?
Why would she do this?
The confusion was taking me over as I pulled into my apartment complex and walked up to my room. I couldn't stop the pain from overtaking me as I made it to my counter and took out my laptop and job offering letter that had the email I needed to contact for an interview.
Did I want to do this?
I sat at my counter, attempting to think of one thing but not being able to. I couldn't stop asking myself all of these questions because I had left Sam with absolutely no answers. Everything inside me was aching with a familiar but unfamiliar pain, which was overcoming everything in me.
I couldn't keep it together.
I felt the tears, I felt the pain ripping through me like a freight train as I sat at my dining table, resting my head in my hands. I sobbed quietly, wondering how I was going to get through this. Maybe moving was the best thing to do now, getting away from this town and away from Sam, maybe accepting the job and moving was my fate.
Maybe this was all a lesson in life.
I shouldn't have been involved with Sam in the first place, the moment I had noticed she was in my class I should've had her switch. I should've distanced myself from her, from Shawn and from everything that provoked me to fall into Sam's trap. She was right, she had been right all along about her not being good enough, but she had been good enough for me to fall. Now here I was at a complete loss as to why she would chose to give me so much of her time only to throw it away with Becca.
All those things she had said to me, all the things she did for me... it didn't mean anything now. She had done it for one reason and one reason only, to fuck me and fuck me over. That's who Sam really was, and I had been one of her many victims.
The dreadful thoughts of Sam were filling my mind as I analyzed everything she ever said to me, everything she ever did or didn't do. The memories we shared were taking me over as I attempted to type the email address into my computer.
She hadn't meant anything she had said to me, everything had been a complete lie, just like the way she felt about me. She didn't just want me, she wanted whatever gave her attention, and maybe Sam had never changed for the better at all.
I wondered how long this had been going on, and if it had been going on while we were in Tampa together. Had it just been with Becca or other girls too? How could I have believed she had changed when she was just the same old desperate girl seeking attention?
I hadn't been good enough.
I wouldn't know the truth because Sam refused to talk to me, which led to me conjuring up my own assumptions. Which in all honesty weren't assumptions considering I had literally caught Becca leaving her house and Sam having a hand bruise on her arm.
The fury was overpowering.
I typed an acceptance email to the principal of the school, accepting the interview for the job offer as I sent it. This was it, I would probably be expected sometime next week if the offer was still on the table but I remembered immediately I was expected to attend graduation.
I would have to see Sam once more after tomorrow.
A large part of me still ached for her, for her touch and her kiss and those bright eyes that had held so much of something before all of this happened. I had to keep reminding myself it had all been a charade, a mask that she was so good at wearing.
I shook the thoughts but they only grew, and tomorrow I would have to actually face her in front of many students.
Could I do that? Could I hold myself together for an entire hour while she sat there looking away from me? Would I be able to let her leave my classroom after she took her final without saying one word to her?
Would she fight for me?
No, I didn't want her to fight for me. She had fucked me over by fucking someone else, or many someone else's, who fucking knew. There was no getting back to whatever we had even if she begged me, there was nothing left.
We were over, and in a few weeks I would accept a job hours away from here and leave Sam and hopefully all the painful memories behind.
***A/N***
Well here's 69 for you guys! My spring semester is starting back up but no worries, the rest of this story is already written and waiting to be uploaded! Stay tuned to see how Sam deals with the stalker and gets herself out of yet another mess! Vote and Comment if you love #Segan <3
-Lauryn