Entry 851
Friday 25th January 2019
I lost it with Kyle today and now I feel incredibly guilty, totally useless and like I'm the worst father ever.
After I came home from work where I had to endure an islander who had a go at me and said that the mandatory reporting was a waste of time and that I was an incompetent jobsworth, I came home to see Kyle sat on the sofa with Leo. Mum, Roz and Richard were there too. Ash had just gotten back from Naomi's and was in the kitchen making tea.
"Right then," I said, in a cheery tone, "I've had a proper cr*p day today, so why don't we all got for a walk along the seafront and down to the beach?" "It's a bit cold," said Mum. "Well we can put our coats on," I said. "Me and Kyle have already been for a walk down to the beach this morning," said Roz. "Of course, you have," I quietly said under my breath. Ash walked into the living room and handed everyone apart from me a hot drink. I looked at Ash with an expectant expression on my face. "Don't look at me like that," Ash, "I'm not your house keeper." "P*ss off," I said, "You love making hot drinks. It's all you ever do." "Well we've just run out of milk," said Ash. "Of course, we have," I sighed. "OK then," I said, trying to be as careful as I could, "Kyle; you, me and Leo can go into Cowes and get some milk from Sainsbury's." "It's alright," said Ash, "I'll go." "No," I said, "I want me, Kyle and Leo to go." "I don't want to go," said Kyle. "He doesn't want to go," said Ash, "I'll go." "You're not going, we're going," I said, to Ash. "Err... I don't want to go, are you deaf?" said Kyle. "Look, all I'm trying to do is spend some time with my sons," I said. "He said he doesn't want to go, Luke," said Roz. "Oh, you can shut up," I snapped. "Excuse me?" snapped Roz. "Don't talk to her like that," Kyle snapped at me. "Look, I'm just trying to spend some time with you," I said to Kyle, "I want to get to know you. I want us to have a relationship. It's like you don't want to spend any time with me at all." Kyle didn't even look at me and continued cradling Leo. I looked at everyone else. Richard looked like he was in a world of his own (no change there), Mum shrugged her shoulders, Roz looked unimpressed as she gave me a disparaging and patronising stare and Ash raised his eyebrows and gave me an assertive look, encouraging me to challenge Kyle and signalling that I should adopt a firm approach, like he told me to take yesterday. "Well are you going to say something?" I said to Kyle. He shrugged. "What do you want me to say?" "God, I don't know," I said, "Just some sort of response." "Luke, stop pressuring him," said Roz. "Will you stop interfering?" I snapped, "I'm trying to talk to my son." "I'm your son when you feel like it," muttered Kyle. "What?" I exclaimed. "Well you told me to get lost the other day when Mike tried to kill me," moaned Kyle. "Oh Kyle, come on," I said, "It wasn't like that and you know it. Mike wasn't trying to kill you." "He pushed me up against the post box outside Sainsbury's and tried to strangle me," said Kyle, "What do you call that?" "He lost his temper," I said, "He wouldn't have killed you. Come on, you were winding him up." "God, you're doing it right now," said Kyle, "Sticking up for him when you should be sticking up for me. You're supposed to be my Dad, Luke. Maybe you should be on my side instead of that mad Mike's. No wonder Mum didn't want you to know I exist." I suddenly felt very angry. I looked at Ash, he raised his eyebrows and widened his eyes egging me on and non-verbally communicating that I needed to take an even firmer approach with Kyle. A short pause followed as I geared myself up. "Right you little sh*t!" I loudly snapped at Kyle, "That's it! I've had enough! Now you might not like the fact I'm your Dad, but I am. It's as simple as that. Now you might not want to spend time with and get to know me, but I want to spend time with and get to know you, so young man – shut the f*ck up, get off your scrawny little arse, put your coat on and come with me for a walk down the seafront. Now!" A sobering silence followed. Everyone looked shocked. "What?" I asked. With Leo in his arms Kyle stood up. "OK," said Kyle, "One, I DON'T like the fact that you're my Dad. Two, you're my Dad cos of blood, genes and DNA and all that. It takes a lot more than that to be a Dad. Three, I DON'T want to spend time with you. I want to spend time with Leo. Four, I DON'T want to get to know you. Five, my arse might be scrawny but at least it's not fat and saggy like yours and six, I DON'T want to come with you for a walk down the seafront. You're 15 years too late to start playing the doting Dad now, Luke." Kyle then walked off upstairs with Leo in his hands. "Nice one Elizabeth," said a blunt Roz. "Oh, you can go boil your head," I snapped, "You've just been waiting for me to f*ck up." "Luke, what the Hell was that?" asked Ash. "You told me I needed to be firmer," I exclaimed. "Yeah but I didn't tell you to be a d*ck," said Ash, "You just called him a little sh*t. There's being firm and then there's that." "Maybe you should have taken him to one side and spoke to him just the two of you," said Mum. "Or maybe you just say nothing and see how things work out?" said Richard. "Oh God, will you all just shut up!?" I loudly snapped, "I must be mad listening to you lot. A moody bloke, a man who always looks on the negative side, an angry lesbian and a woman who abandoned her child when he was a kid. What the f*ck would you bunch of misfits know about parenting." "I brought that boy up!" Roz snapped. "I spent lots of time with my nieces and nephews," said Richard, "I didn't enjoy any of the time I spent with them, but I still spent time with them nonetheless." "I might not have had kids but I've spent time with Sophie," said Ash. "And I AM a mother," exclaimed Mum, "I might have walked away but I still brought you up for a bit after I squeezed you out of my growler."
I stormed off upstairs and tried to talk to Kyle. It was pointless. He shrugged, grunted and when he did actually speak, he just told me to get lost. I tried to tell him I was sorry and that maybe the approach I adopted wasn't the best, but he just wasn't interested.
Later in the day I spoke to Roz. She took great delight in telling me what a walking disaster I was, how I'd well and truly f*cked things up earlier with Kyle and, in a very patronising tone, told me I had a lot to learn about parenting. I wanted to say – you've got a lot to learn about not being a passive aggressive b*tch, but I needed to keep her sweet so I bit my tongue. I asked her to have a chat with Kyle and try and get him to spend some time with me, and after she made more brutal anecdotes and passive aggressive comments she agreed. Let's hope she can get through to him....