CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
better together
•••
ᴏᴀᴋʟᴇʏ ᴄᴀʀɪʟʟᴏ
I never knew this thing existed. I didn't know a person could make my stomach feel like I'm going down a rollercoaster. I didn't know a person could make the blood rush to my face like that.
Nolan felt like an addiction. And when I woke up with my head on his chest, I knew I was screwed.
His chest was rising and falling slowly, and I didn't move. I didn't want to. I could listen to the way his heart was beating for hours. But I knew I had so much to do.
For a moment, I wanted to forget about all of that, though. I felt like I deserved at least that much.
"Hi," I heard him say just a few minutes later.
"Hey."
I didn't have the energy to move, nor did I have the will power.
"Are you okay?" Nolan asked, his voice low as he rested his hand on the side of my face.
I stayed quiet, fumbling with the soft fabric of his t-shirt.
"Oakley?"
"I'm okay."
Nolan let out a deep breath, and I could feel the way his body tensed, but I didn't comment on it.
"You're not," he said after a while. He pushed me up a little, so he could sit up against his headboard and so I was sat down opposite of him. I didn't meet his eyes. I kept my gaze fixed on his shirt. I didn't need anyone to worry about me. I just needed this to pass.
"It's okay." I shook my head, trying to push away the uneasy feeling in my stomach. "I should probably go home."
"You can't drive home like this."
"Well, I have to get home somehow, don't I?" I snapped. I immediately regretted it. Because once again, I was fucking up something good because I was feeling like shit.
"I'm sorry," I said. I felt so fucking hopeless, I couldn't take it anymore.
"What does it feel like?" Nolan asked. And I managed to look up at him, because he deserved at least that. The only way to not fuck this up was by being honest.
"I don't know." My eyes stung, but I wouldn't let myself cry over this. I just needed to drown it out with something else.
"Oakley, can you describe it to me?"
"It's like... I'm missing something? I don't know. I can't..."
"Missing something? Missing what?"
"Everything? Nothing? It's like I don't care, but also I do." Everything felt pointless, yet not doing it made me feel guilty. My entire body ached and every time my mind thought about another promise I couldn't keep, my stomach seemed to sink even deeper.
"I can't tell you I understand it, Oakley. But I know there are people who do, and who feel the exact same way."
"But it's different, Nolan. I'm not depressed. In I don't know how long, I'll look back at this and see I'm overreacting."
"You're not overreacting. Your feelings aren't a reaction, they're just feelings. You can't always just control them."
"Well, the same goes for you," I mumbled. He shifted his gaze, and then returned it back to me.
"I- I guess you're right. But I- it's not the same."
"What are you gonna do about it, Nolan?"
"About what," he mumbled, shifting his gaze away again. But I wouldn't let him off that easily.
"Your anxiety."
"What are you gonna do about your depression?"
We were both quiet. We knew what the right answer would be, but neither of us wanted to say it out loud. Maybe because saying it out loud would made it sounds so big, when in reality, it was just in our heads. At least, that was what I'd been telling myself.
"What was it you said? Fucked up together?"
Nolan smiles a little and then nodded. "Yeah. But I think I've changed my mind."
"Changed your mind?"
"Yeah. Maybe we should get better together."
I could feel the corners of my mouth twitch up a little at that.
"Yeah, maybe we should."
It took a while before Nolan let me go home. And my parents had apparently been waiting for me the entire time, which I didn't realize because I spent most of my time at Nolan's napping, which obviously meant my phone wasn't exactly on my mind.
"I'm sorry. I took a pretty long nap and I didn't really realize," I apologized. They looked so relieved when I came in. I didn't want to be the cause to their endless stress anymore. They deserved some rest too. I was almost twenty, financially stable and all, yet I relied on my parents to pick up the pieces whenever things got a little too much for me. I had to get my shit together, because it wouldn't be fair of me to cause them this life long stress.
"I told you to talk to us about where you're going, Oakley. We were worried sick." My mom walked over to me and engulfed me into this tight hug, leaving me no room to breathe. But I didn't care, because it made her feel better.
I took a deep breath, trying to prepare for the things I wanted to say. I wanted to be honest without acting like a complete dick this time. I sat down on the couch, next to my dad who still hadn't made a noise, and my mom followed.
"I know I uhm, I haven't been the greatest son. I'm trying to fix it, okay?"
I didn't know what to say. I planned the entire scenario out in my head before I walked through the front door, but suddenly, my mind was blank. I blacked out.
"I- I'll get help. I can't let myself be this... this burden anymore."
"You're going to get help?" my dad asked.
"Eventually I will. I promise."
I knew my dad cried after I left, because Trisha came home a bit after and told me so.
"I'll be a better brother too," I promised her. I handed her the shoes she already owned. I picked up a pair while I was driving home, because I really did want to be a better person.
"I already got the best," she said, hugging me nearly as tightly as my mother did. But at least no one cried this time.
As for Genevieve, I didn't know how to fix that. Genevieve was like an older sister to me, always looking out for me even when I didn't want it. She was always a good friend to me, but it was never mutual. I treated her like shit, yet she still stuck around.
Why do you treat me like your brother,
when I treat you like a bitch?
Could've found somebody else who you could be with
Who you could hardly miss
Someone who's kinda the exact opposite of me-e-e
Without giving it another thought, I posted the little jingle to the private Instagram profile of which I knew it wasn't entirely private. But at this point, I didn't care. Maybe I wanted people to hear it, and maybe I wanted everyone to know it's mine too. But my position was impossible. The only way I could do this without causing myself too much trouble, was like this.
I lied down, and it didn't take me long fo fall asleep.
•••
Reality hit me the next morning.
"Do you have any idea what you've done, Oakley?" Mason hissed over the phone.
"I cancelled the tour," I said, looking at my hands in complete uninterest. I wasn't gonna let this ruin my day again.
"You're going to give them a formal apology. I'll have someone write one down for you and you're going to apologize. Got it?"
"Wait, you're gonna have someone write one down? Seriously?"
"We need to make sure you don't fuck this up again."
"Gee, I'm so fucking sorry I cancelled a tour I never agreed on going on in the first place! Fuck you, Mason."
I hung up the phone, letting myself fall into my mattress.
"Fuck everyone," I muttered.
This wasn't worth it. I needed to get out of that contract. I was planning on letting my mom do her legal magic some time this week, but I just realized the sooner, the fucking better.
But for today, I had better things to do, and happier things to think about. Today, I was gonna be free.
So for once more, I switched off my phone. Then, I waited.
AUTHOR'S NOTE
Writing this actually isn't good for me whoops 🙃
Question of the update: what skill are you the most proud of?