The Artist:
I watched him with unblinking eyes as the entire compound filled with the delightful music his waltzing fingers created. His eyes closed in concentration as he played the instrument with a love too large to miss, his body swaying as he worked tirelessly to let out flutters of joyous symphonies into the air, draping the entire space in an Elysian aura.
“He is really good” I nodded to Yoongi’s words by my side.
“If only I could make him believe it” I spoke keeping my eyes on the side of Jin’s face, catching that soft smile that played at his lips.
I don’t know what to call this pride that fills me to see him up there, happily glowing in delight, vibrantly alive...I can almost feel the warmth and glow of the halo he wears right now...
He must have felt my gaze when he momentarily turned to me, smile brightening as our eyes caught. I had to gulp the words I wanted to scream to him and instead pulled a smile for him. He did that cute blinking game he at times plays, smile turning brighter in child-like glee and I had to bite down at my lips.
It’s getting more and more difficult to keep my sanity around him, need growing wild to claim all of him as my own.
We are at Yoongi’s music school, and although he gave me a lame excuse of his pianist coming down with the flu to have me bring Jin over, but I am 110% sure that Jin’s little performance at Jimin’s apartment had snatched his attention and he being the talent hunter quite easily caught on the urge to listen to Jin’s playing again.
So here I was, standing at the edge of the large room with my eyes trained on Jin while all else seemed to fade away into thin air.
I couldn’t hold back the urge to be near him anymore and walked straight towards the flame calling onto me, side stepping all the figures practicing around the hall, couldn’t care less about all the eyes judging my steady steps as I closed in on Jin.
He looked a bit startled to see me suddenly so close, brown eyes wide as he looked up at me and I didn’t waste a single minute more. Pulling my hands out of my pockets I leaned down to him, cupping the back of his head as I gently pushed his mouth on mine, trapping him in my gentle caresses as I kissed him without a regard of the world.
I never thought I would fall so hard for anyone…told myself that I’d learn to make do with some bland loving just to get through those sleepless nights, never thought life would take me by my hand to lead me to face him…
He stayed stunned for a bit before kissing me back unsurely, his fingers had paused and the room filled with murmurs as I tried to pull away, half cursing myself for the insanity that was fast settling in my head.
But the world has no right to blame me…if he demands to take away all of me from myself then I don’t mind dissipating away to be one with him
I pulled away, thumbing away at his lips, and then being drawn to put a peck again before I stepped away, eyeing him and saw his eyes follow me, his knowing gaze holding onto me pensively. He knows how well he can play with me, he knows how desperate he makes me and yet smiles seeing my helplessness.
He knows my secret, and yet tries to hide his secrets from me.
It was in that moment, that short snap of a second when life threw at me the truth that would forever haunt me...
I need him to stay so that I can call this life my own because if he leaves he’ll be taking all of me with him.
My jaw clenched as my eyes stayed on him ceaselessly as I waited while he had resumed playing the piano again, waited as patiently as I could till he walked back to me, easing close to my side till our shoulders brushed while he spoke with Yoongi.
“I’d love to actually!” He giggled overjoyed with Yoongi’s invitation to be a part of his music school.
“It’s a shame that I have to leave”
The words left a sharp stinging pain in me, and I felt my hands get clammy in utter need to grasp at him and hold him to myself. Instead I just pushed them into my pockets, snatching my gaze away to calm my head and heart.
I feel so angry, irritated to the core, my guts burning to even begin to think that he can actually talk about leaving so casually when all I can think of is how I need him to stay.
I have often felt such boundless emotions when I bled my heart out on the canvas, pouring all of me, all my weakness and strength in a volley of colours. But this is a new wound he has gashed me with, open and infected with greed and selfish possessiveness, pain hummed in my veins as I fought to curb the enrage in my head and heart and drew strength from his voice next to my ear…how is he so unaffected? Why doesn’t it hurt him too?
I wish it would hurt him just as much, probably then he would have stayed with me…
“How much longer is it going to take you to complete it?”
He spoke with his back towards me and I snapped my head away to blink awkwardly into my canvas, hoping he didn’t catch me staring at him.
“A while” I cleared my throat and managed to mumble out as I fixed my grip on the brush anew.
“So I can’t watch it get complete eh?” He asked with a soft sad pout as he spoke from the kitchen counter.
I had planned for lunch outside and wanted him to see the serenity of Am Himmel and enjoy the afternoon there but he cut me off, pleading to do something in return for me, a parting gift.
So when he asked me what I’d like him to do for me, I had held onto my raging heart to stop it from pleading to him to be mine and asked him to cook something for me, making an excuse of missing home cooked meal rather than demanding what my heart vehemently yearned for from him.
“Stay and you will” I gulped down the painful quiver within as I spoke.
He smiled to himself, not daring to look at me and kept his eyes on the simmering pot of pasta, trying to hide again.
“You can send me a pic when you’re done or I might come back again someday to look at it”
I chuckled to myself, dragging the black at the tip of the brush over my canvas of emotions.
If you can leave now…if you walk away from what we have at this moment I don’t think you’ll ever come back to me…
“Or stay” I tried yet again.
“I can’t keep running forever” he says unmindfully running a finger along the ridge of a bowl “as awful as things are back home, that is where I belong” he finally looked up as I caught his gaze in mine.
I knew this…I knew he would leave me in a thousand pieces since the very first time I had seen him...did I not tell myself that I am okay with the little moments he’d give me?
“What is it that you want to go back to?” I am actually curious.
He shrugs, that sad glint I had caught in his eyes the very first time I had looked into them came hurtling back and he slowly dropped his gaze, his shoulders slumping in the process.
“Nothing really…” he chuckles, a dry cynical sound “I used to think I had everything, too proud to realize I was only being stupid”
I left the brush on the edge of the palette, walking up to him, realizing the truth behind his trials to hide away from me.
“Jin” he hastily rubbed away the moisture from his cheeks, turning to me with a forced smile. And that was when I realized that he wasn’t trying to hide nor was he playing with me, he was being careful, fearful of being stupid yet again.
“You can tell me” I urged him to open up, wanting to know what had hurt him so badly, what had made him this weak that he preferred to go back to the cage rather than try out his wings.
He stayed absolutely silent as I waited, the soft wisps of smoke churning up from the pot of pasta the only movement in the entire room.
“I don’t know where to begin, or how to..” he abruptly paused again and I edged closer, my mind telling me to squeeze him to myself, soaking up all that grief he held so possessively to himself but I waited.
“I don’t know anything but I know that he must be very lucky to have experienced being loved by you and yet very stupid to have hurt you so much”
“That’s the thing you see” he chuckled dryly, shaking his head against my words “he wasn’t stupid, he hurt me intentionally, he knew his actions would hurt me and still that didn’t stop him. Not something you do to a person you value”
“You’re right. That’s just being insensitive and cruel” I spoke, caressing his cheek with the back of my hand, checking if he was crying again and I couldn’t stop leaning nearer as he looked at me with the moist and softest brown eyes “why then do you want to go back?”
“I’m not going back to him” he shook his head vehemently driving the point “never again, I’ve had enough of his shit”. He turned to the simmering pot, breaking away from my touch as he took the pot away from the flame and began plating it.
“Jin?”
“Hmm”
I don’t know what I am doing but I really want to know…I need to…
“Do you feel anything for me?”
He froze, and I could hear the sharp draw of breath. He didn’t speak a word as I grew impatient.
I have to know, damn it, I have to!
I grabbed at his upper arm and forced him to face me as he stayed rigid on his spot.
“Or am I just a rebound for you? Just a short getaway?” I could feel anger take over my senses.
His eyes instantly snapped to mine.
“Tae-Taehyung-I…I do feel that wh-what we share is something unique” “But?” I could almost sense what was coming, he is going to reject me…he is going to forget about me soon enough.
“B-But I don’t think this will work” he mumbled, sadness pooling in his eyes.
“Why not? Stay with me, I promise I’ll take care of you” I gulped feeling absolutely dejected at the moment, I wish there was a way to fool the heart, that stupid thing just piles up its own misery.
“Don’t” he whined, smiling at me as his eyes brimmed with tears “I told you I’m awfully weak to sweet talking, so don’t” he sniffled, rubbing away a line of tear that strayed from his brimming eyes.
“I have a job at Seoul, a family, my life is back there…so please let us be realistic” he grabbed at my hands, thumbs soothing my knuckles “it’s not like you can ditch your life here and come to Seoul either right?”
I debated at those words.
What is an artist anyway without his inspiration? How do I create if my muse plans to abandon me?
“And if I do? Do you promise to give me a chance if I come to Seoul for you?”
His eyes went as wide as saucers and I felt an unnatural glee spreading within me.
You have no idea what I can do for you Jin…art is my obsession, but you…oh you! Baby, I might be in a room full of art and yet my eyes would only look at you…
“Taehyung please don’t..” “I mean it, I’m totally not kidding” I pull him closer to myself so that our chests were touching “I come to Seoul and you will move in with me, promise me that”
“Yes, okay” Jin smiled widely “yess, okayyy!” He giggled, throwing himself on me as he coiled his arms around my neck and I felt delighted at his reaction as I burrowed into the crook of his neck.
“A month” I spoke, pressing feathery kisses over his skin “I’ll come to you in a month” and I felt his arms tightening around me as he sighed happily at my neck, nodding hastily.
“You promise?” He mumbled and I realized he was sobbing.
“I promise” I pressed my mouth on his temple and relished the ecstasy I felt at the moment.
How come I couldn’t realize how deep he had speared into me? My soul had bonded infallibly with his without my consent…I can’t let him fade away, now that I have known him I'm never letting him go…I am going to make him mine.
And as the afternoon rolled away while we listened to trifling memories of each other’s life lying naked on the couch, I felt like life had been nothing but a worthless running around only in search of this feeling he sets within me. He was warmly snuggled against my chest as he spoke about one funny incident during his high school times, his fingers unmindfully playing with hem of the light rug covering us.
I pushed my face into his brown locks, pressing kisses against the side of his face I had access to, not stopping my hands as they involuntarily ran raking all over his soft smooth skin.
I feel guilty for not paying enough attention to his words because having him like this with me is pushing me beyond my self-control.
“What about you?” He asked suddenly breaking my trance.
“Umm…something about me..well, I have been arrested more times than you would believe” he flinched at the news and gazed up at me “ohmygod don’t tell me you killed someone or did something…oh no…please tell me it was drunk driving or making graffitis..?!”
I laughed at his reaction “yeah more like trespassing on private property because I wanted to paint a boat because it had the perfect setting and the colour of the sky and the Danube looked dazzling behind it and…” I realized I was going off topic “that one was the most recent”.
He was watching me with confused eyes, probably totally assessing if should go back on the promise.
“The other time was when I broke into a scrapyard with a fake warrant because they were going to destroy a vintage car which I really…like really really wanted to paint”
“And then tha-“ “Ok ok I get it” Jin chuckled caressing my arms around him “you’re quite popular behind the bars eh?”
“Oh yeah…you totally got swept off by a big bad criminal” I leered grazing my teeth on him, my arms tightening around him as I flipped us around to hover on top of him and he giggled as I pulled the cover away to smash my mouth on his.
A warmth spread all over me as he hummed into the kiss, his fingers gently caressing my neck and down my chest. He deepened the kiss, tongue seeking entrance again and again till l gave him what he wanted so badly. His tongue instantly wrapping up with mine as I shifted closer to him, pushing his legs apart and settled in between. I broke the kiss to look at him, to see his eyes smiling at me “are you going to just stare at me all day or do something?”
He teased me, raking his fingers through the back of my head and I smiled back, his seductive voice churning voracious urges in me to hear him being sinfully loud for me.
“It’s your fault for being so perfect” I tasted his lips again “I could stare at you all day”
He lifted his back off of the couch to coil an arm and pull my head closer, placing his mouth by my ear “that’s all you’re going to do?” His seductive voice was teasing me.
And I smiled, licking at his jaw, as I pushed him back to lay down on the couch, coiling his legs around my hips.
He jolted thrashing his head back as I bottomed out in one go, his body opening up to take the intrusion without much resistance since it was a mere while ago when we had pleasured each other.
“You haven’t known the half of me baby…” you only know snippets of me…what you could see in a matter of these four days…and I have so much more to give you..
I moved within him, basking in the sweet cries of pleasure he showered me with “a month…wait for me a month and I will give you all of me”
á na márië
[A/N] I hope all of you are staying safe, borahae lovelies💜