"And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life"
Song: How to save a life - Nilu
This is a double update. Read chapter 61 if you haven't yet.
Appreciate you love muffins.
*****
HARRY'S P.O.V:
"Peaches! God I fuckin missed you!"
Jimmy is leaping towards Abby as soon as I open the front door, at the same time that Ludo bolts in and runs straight towards me.
He wraps his arms around Abby, lifting her up and swaying her back and forth while she squeaks in surprise and Steve is still standing in the doorway but with a bright grin as he watches them.
Ludo has jumped up into my arms, knowing I'll catch him but he knows better than to do that with Abby, he's already knocked her over trying.
"Hey Jimmy," Abby wheezes, sounding damn near strangled from how tight he's hugging her, "I missed you."
"Be gentle asshole," I snapped at him, scrunching one of my eyes closed when Ludo plants an excited lick up the side of my cheek, "Yeah boy, I missed you too. I'm happy we're home."
Jimmy flips me off behind Abby's back while still keeping hold of her.
I gesture my head at Steve, for him to come inside, and he walked in shutting the door behind him.
"Evening you two," Steve says, looking between us still with that fond smile and folds his big arms over his chest, "How was the drive home?"
Jimmy finally drops Abby on her feet, roughing his hand over the top of her head like she's a long lost puppy, "Still as cute as when ya left."
"The drive was okay, it was long but I stayed occupied," I tell him, then give Abby a sly look when I put Ludo down to go see her and she glares at me.
My hands get distracted on road trips, she should know that by now.
"Hey Steve," Abby walks over to him, after fussing over Ludo and stands on her tiptoes to wrap her arms around his neck and pull him into a hug, "I missed you."
Steve smiles, wrapping one giant arm around her shoulder, and patting his hand against the back of her head with the other hand. He was far more gentle than Jimmy was.
"Hey honey," he says, "we're glad to have you back. It hasn't been the same with you gone."
I think Steve means that in more ways than one. For a few weeks there it felt like we lost her completely. She isn't magically fine now after our trip away, she's still dealing with the stuff with her Dad among everything else. But she's certainly doing better than she was.
"Oi, where's my hug bitch?" Jimmy says coming to stand in front of me, holding his arms out, "You know ya missed me."
Yeah missed you like a bullet in the head.
I give him a flat look, then smack the back of my hand against his crotch which makes him wince and jump back while dropping his arms, "There's your hug asshole."
"Hey watch the goods!" he exclaims, dusting off the front of his pants like I've tainted a priceless possession, "And I missed you too, dickhead."
"Did you wanna come sit down in the living room? Did either of you want a drink?" Abby offers, and Jimmy waltzed over to wrap his arm around her shoulder.
"We'd love to Peaches, we've got a lot of catching up to do," he says with one of his large grins, but as he turns with her to start walking up the hallway to the living room; he looks at me as they pass with his chin stuck up.
"See. At least someone here appreciates me."
"Yeah appreciate a dislocated jaw, idiot," I mutter, rolling my eyes and it makes Steve laugh under his breath and shake his head.
Steve follows behind me, and keeps a bit of a distance behind Abby and Jimmy so she can't hear me. Ludo is trotting along beside Abby.
"How did tonight go?" I say keeping my voice hushed.
"I dunno if you'd believe it if I told you," he whispers, which makes me look over my shoulder at him and pause in my steps, "That Margaret really is somethin' else."
I look up ahead to see Abby and Jimmy have already gone into the living room, so I pull Steve aside and stand near the wall.
"What do you mean?"
"I think she's more nuts than David," he replies, shaking his head like he still can't believe it, "She's been playing David this whole time. She's had everyone fooled, even Jimmy. That woman is terrifying - did you know she killed Andy's father?"
"What?"
I say it far louder than I meant to, and check to see if Abby heard me but hear Jimmy carrying on with her instead, so I hush my voice again.
"What the fuck?"
Steve nods, scratching his fingers against his bald head and sighs, "Yeah. She drugged him. She's been waiting for an opportunity this whole time to fuck David over. She wants to take him to the cleaners and keep everything for herself and that brat kid of hers. I swear she's like the human version of a preying mantis. It made my skin crawl seeing they way her whole personality switched."
You've gotta be fuckin' kidding me.
"So she didn't want the deal? What happened? You went with Plan B?"
Steve clears his throat, "Well she did wanna make a deal - her one stipulation was that we don't hurt Andy."
"Get fucked. No fucking way. Not Happening," I whisper yell before he's barely even gotten the last word out.
Steve holds his hands up, "Hey, Relax. We know that. That's why she ended up with a needle full of sedatives jammed in her neck by Jimmy. Jacobs took her to the place we're hiding her. So now Andy is gonna come to us when he finds out."
I pinch the bridge of my nose, huffing, "Right okay. So how did everything else go then? Did that guy tell you anything?"
Steve sucks in an awkward breath between his teeth, "... Yeah... About that, Jacob kinda beat him to death."
I drop my hand to give him a flat look, "Weren't we trying not to kill all of them now so we could use them against David when you release everything?"
Steve shrugs and holds his hands up in a 'what can ya do?' expression.
"He pissed Jacob off. We both know he can have a short fuse. It happens. We've still got enough of them left, it's not the end of the world."
I can't really talk about having a short fuse. I have one too.
"Right well, aside from that -- is everything else going to plan?" I ask as I rub my hands over my face.
I've been home for barely three hours and I'm already stressed.
"Yeah, so far," he nods, but then he pats his hand against my shoulder, "You still want to give me some of your fathers tapes for the case?"
My stomach drops, it's been something I've been trying not to think about.
"Yeah," I mutter, suddenly wishing I was back at that cottage with Abby, "I just need to talk to Jimmy first."
Steve hasn't tried to push the subject with me, or what specifically is on the tapes. He only knows it has to do with my father and David, but not why I'd need to discuss it with Jimmy.
If people see what's on those tapes, and what David helped my father do - what he told my father to do. Nothing he says will be believable after that. They'll know what he's capable of. They'll see it. It'll also make all the shit he's covering up easier to believe and help fuck over everyone he's associated with.
It'll also ruin his reputation and name, forever.
Showing those tapes and what happened to me is worth that.
He gives my shoulder another pat, "Not to rush you, do it when you're ready but it's gonna need to be sooner than later."
I nod, and Steve gestures head towards the living room, "Now c'mon, we can talk about all that another time. Lets go make sure Jimmy isn't up to too much trouble."
"He's always up to trouble," I mumble to myself as we turn and walk up the hallway.
Steve smiles to himself, "Yeah it's why I fell in love with him unfortunately."
I roll my eyes, but smile to myself and I'm thankful Steve can't see me.
Abby and Jimmy are sitting on the couch when we get into the living room, while Ludo is sniffing around.
I then watch him make a run towards the back door, obviously forgetting this house doesn't have a doggy door and runs face first into it with a hard thud.
Dammit Ludo.
I really need to install a doggy door like Jimmy and Steve have.
I walk towards the back door and open it to let him out the back, while hearing Jimmy and Abby continue to chat and when i turn around Steve has sat down on the arm of the couch next to Abby.
"So you can wear whatever you want, Peaches, there's no dress code. Only person that has requirements on that is this dickhead," Jimmy says, pointing over to me.
Abby looks to me with a perplexed expression and I sigh, shaking my head, "You don't wanna know, trust me."
I still can't believe I agreed to this shit.
Abby's curious expression only grows, but Jimmy catches her attention again to continue rambling on about their wedding.
"So after the ceremony we're having the after party at Harry's club, it's gonna be wild," he says, leaning back against the couch and smacks his hand against his knee.
"So it'll be a typical night at that club then?" Abby states more so then asks.
"Pretty much, but we got somethin special planned, don't we Styles?" Jimmy says with a sly look towards me and I glare at him, "So make sure you've got an outfit planned for that to Peaches."
I really can't believe I agreed to this.
I hum out an annoyed, "mhmm" in response.
"So what'd you two love birds get up to on your time away anyway? Peaches is walking better than I expected," Jimmy looks between us and gives Abby a once over like he's impressed.
Abby shoots me a look, as if she's wondering if she should mention the one main thing they obviously don't know yet.
I fold my hands behind my back, standing near the couch, and give her an encouraging nod.
She'd be better at telling them than me, I'd get too short tempered with Jimmy.
Also... I don't want to admit it but I'm kind of nervous. I care what Jimmy and Steve think even if I like to pretend I don't.
"Well uhm, we didn't get up to too much, it was a nice quiet time away. It was a good break," Abby begins, glancing at me again and she seems nervous too, "But something interesting did happen."
Jimmy leans closer, perking up in interest, "Oooo go on, spill. You two finally film gettin' your freak on? Finally got footage of beauty and the little bitch?"
"Oh for fuck sake Jimmy," i groan but he looks at me at pokes his tongue out.
"We're engaged," Abby blurts out, looking anxious at Jimmy as she waits for his reaction.
I guess that's one way to do it, just rip it off like a band aid.
Jimmy is frozen still, looking at me with his tongue still out and turns his head slowly to look back at Abby with wide eyes.
It's a silent tense few seconds, as if Jimmy has glitched before he lets out a loud scream that nearly makes Abby jump ten foot off the couch.
It even made me jump.
Steve is now staring at me with his jaw dropped.
"Tell me you're not fuckin joking! You're serious? You're not playing?" Jimmy yells, and Abby's face winces from the volume of his voice before replying.
"No no we're not kidding, Harry uh, he asked me to marry him at the aquarium."
Jimmy whips his face to me, confused as hell "Aquarium? Since when do you like fish?"
My trips to the aquarium aren't exactly something I shared, well, until I met Abby. I kept it to myself. Considering Jimmy knows my relationship with water, I can understand his confusion.
He then shakes his head, as if shaking his confusion away and looks back to Abby, "nevermind that's not important - So you two are really gettin hitched? For real?"
Now he has a giant smile on his face, and Abby smiles back, "yes. It's for real. We're really engaged."
"I'm gonna have a sister in law!" he screams, throwing his arms around Abby and hugging her tight again while he bounces on the couch like a bouncy ball, "My little peach is gonna be all wifed up. Fuck I can't believe it."
Jimmy is always over the top, but when he's genuinely excited it's like you've put a hyper hyena on crack.
The sister in law thing got me, and I look down to the ground because sometimes I forget how serious Jimmy really is when he calls me his brother or family.
Steve still can't get a word out, which isn't unusual for him but he genuinely seems in shock.
He knew i wanted to ask Abby, but with how things had gone I don't think he'd thought I'd go through with it. Or maybe he thought I'd wait longer, I'm not sure.
"Yep it's exciting," Abby tries to choke out, being strangled again by the grip of the hug Jimmy has on her, "Jimmy do - do you think you could loosen your---"
Jimmy suddenly lets go of her, leaving her dazed and trying to catch her breath before he's clambering off the couch and barrelling towards me.
"You fucker, you actually did it" he yells, before leaping towards me and starts playfully smacking at my arms and chest; he knows better than to try and hug me.
I may be better with it these days but I still try and punch him if he tries to hug me.
"That's amazing news --- I'm so so happy for you two sweetheart," Steve finally has words, and his voice sounds emotional as he leans down to pull Abby into a hug where he's sat on the arm of the couch, "It's about damn time."
He's a lot more gentle and Abby seems to appreciate that.
I start smacking Jimmy back, as he bounces from foot to foot in front of me and gives my arm another hard punch, "You're all grown up now Styles, you sly dog, never thought I'd see the day."
"Would you quit hitting me," I snap at him, trying to shove him away but it only makes him laugh.
"Oh alright, give us a cuddle then." he says holding his arms out.
"Piss off," I groan, throwing my head back and Jimmy smacks me against the chest again.
"Quit bein moody, this is the best news I've fuckin had in months. So go on, tell us how it went - show us the ring. I want all the details."
That makes me snap nervous eyes to Jimmy, and my lips press firm together before I glance over to Abby, who is sitting facing us with Steve perched next to her with his hand resting on her shoulder.
Jimmy's expression falls flat, "Do not tell me you forgot a fuckin ring Styles, I know you're brain dead with this shit but you can't be that fuckin brain dead."
He throws his arms in the air, "The ring is the whole damn point. What'd you propose with? Your dick?"
"He didn't forget it," Abby pipes up cutting off the rant Jimmy is about to go on, and I stare at the ground while I rub my hand over the back of my neck.
This is the part I was really nervous about.
Jimmy looks over to Abby, pointing at me, "So why's he looking like he's wishing for a bullet between the eyes right now?"
"Uhm here, look," Abby says, pushing up to stand from the couch and walks over to Jimmy holding her hand out.
Jimmy grasps her hand, pulling it up closer to his face and I watch apprehensively for his reaction.
Shit like this makes me so fucking uncomfortable. I'm getting better at it with Abby, but I'm still not great.
Jimmy's entire demeanor changes when he recognizes the ring, and he bites on his lower lip as he runs his thumb over it.
"That's my mums," he says under his breath.
"Harry wanted to give me something that meant a lot to him," Abby says, watching Jimmy's face and keeping her voice quiet.
Jimmy clears his throat, sniffing as he rubs his finger under his nose.
He silently stares at it for a few moments longer before he looks up to Abby, and his voice cracks, "I can't think of another person she'd love wearing this more than you. It'd make her really happy."
Jimmy looks over to me, and he's trying to compose the glassy state of his eyes, "You would've made her so proud with that. She'd love that you gave that to Peaches."
I wish so badly I was better at this, because all I can muster is a silent nod, trying to shove down all the emotions that are feeling like they're way too much.
"So it was a good choice?" Abby asks, trying to salvage me from my own discomfort and take the focus away from me. But she sneaks a look over to me, and it makes my heart swell over how loving it is.
"Fuckin perfect choice," Jimmy says looking back down to Abby's hand and admires the ring on her finger, "it's perfect."
Steve stands from the couch, and walks over to me; but he doesn't try to make a fuss or hug me or anything.
Instead he holds his hand out, and my brows twitch together a bit confused before I reach my own out and grasp it.
He shakes my hand with a warm expression, "Congratulations mate, I'm happy for you."
Steve then pulls me towards him and pats his other hand against my shoulder as he leans in to whisper in my ear.
"I'm proud of you. You did a great job."
He leans back, and gives me a pat on the shoulder without another word before walking over to Abby and have a look at her ring.
It's hard to describe the feeling I have, but it made my throat tighten and it's confusing.
I didn't expect to hear that from Steve.
"Oh uhm, Steve before I forget, I wanted to ask you something?" Abby looks up to him, and he tilts his head to listen.
Abby chews on her lip, "You don't have to, and I mean, we don't even know when we're getting married but... when we do..."
Abby trails off, averting her eyes down and starts to anxiously toy with her fingers.
I have no clue what she's about to ask or why she seems so apprehensive.
"Because my dad isn't, uh, isn't here. I don't have anyone to give me away and I was wondering if maybe you'd want to do that for me?"
... Fuck I hadn't even thought about her Dad with that. It feels like someone just stuck a knife in my stomach.
Abby peers up to Steve, and he looks totally taken aback before he tears up with his voice wavering and nods, "Honey I'd be more than happy to, that'd mean the world to me."
"Really?" Abby smiles, with her voice perking up.
"I'd be honoured," he nods before pulling her into another emotional hug, "You're like a daughter to me."
"Fuck me, now I'm crying," Jimmy says, wiping at his eyes and joins in on the hug, "C'mon family hug."
I watch them, frankly relieved Jimmy didn't try and yank me over there.
Considering how fucked with emotions I am most of the time, this whole ordeal is really testing me because I've felt at least a hundred different things and right now even my eyes are getting blurry.
The conversation about the proposal continues, and I try my best to join in when I can or when I even know what the hell to say.
Moments like these are so new and foreign to me. It's hard to know how to behave.
Jimmy is babbling on to Abby about wedding dresses, while Steve is going on about cakes.
Abby looks so happy.
At one point when Steve has Abby caught up in a conversation about different types of cake she could have for a wedding cake, Jimmy makes his way over to me and hits me against the arm.
"Oi, come out the front with me for a sec, I've got somethin' for you."
"What?"
I give him a strange look, waiting for him to explain but he only smacks my arm again and starts to walk off, "use ya legs dickhead, come on."
I dart my eyes to Abby, but she is completely occupied listening to Steve go on about his cake expertise.
I decide to follow Jimmy, and when we finally get out the front door he goes to his black car while I wait on the front porch.
It's not that bad of a night actually, the spring air is pretty nice.
He opens the passenger door, and ducks his head in, doing whatever he is before he stands up and slams the door shut; strolling back up to the house and comes on to the porch.
Jimmy extends his arm when he stands in front of me, "Here, snagged this for ya from Davids. I assume it's from that auction. Thought I'd bring it back to it's home."
I have no idea what he's talking about until I look down and see him holding one of my framed butterflies, and I recognize it straight away.
"That was at Davids?"
"Yeah, the prick," he says in annoyance, and gestures the frame at me to take it.
I grasp it in my hand, still staring at it and trying to figure out how I'm feeling.
I'm not sure what to say.
He pats his hand against my shoulder, "You're welcome, c'mon let's go back inside."
Jimmy turns and starts walking but I look up and call out to him, "Jimmy wait."
Jimmy pauses, and looks over his shoulder at me.
"Don't stress H, I know you're not good with thank you's. Don't sweat it. I know it means a lot."
"No. no I need to talk to you about something."
I'm not sure why this feels like the right moment, or if there even is a right moment but something about Jimmy doing what he did tonight for me; has me wanting to finally tell him.
I always avoid this shit. I don't want to anymore.
Jimmy turns back to face me, and I point towards the wood framed seat we have on the front porch.
"Come sit down."
Jimmy cocks a brow as he walks towards it, "You're not gonna go tellin me you're pregnant or somethin are ya? This sounds serious."
I blow out a frustrated huff as I sit down, but when Jimmy sits next to me he shoves his shoulder against mine, "Relax, I'm just fuckin with ya. What's going on?
How am I even meant to say any of this?
I keep hold of the frame between my hands, and stare down at it and do my best to force the words out I wish didn't exist.
I want to try and talk to him more, I'm trying to work on it.
"I decided to give Steve some of my father's tapes, for his case... and uh, the one that has David and my father on it."
"Shit really?" Jimmy says, sounding surprised, "I mean I know it's hard for you but I think it's good people will finally see what that fucker is really like. You and I both saw his face the day you showed him that tape in his office, obviously it scared him."
"No... No Jimmy you don't understand."
I clench my jaw, sighing out a heavy breath through my nose and still can't look at him.
Now Jimmy sounds confused, "Er... alright, what don't I understand? Sounds pretty straightforward to me."
I clear my throat, before swallowing hard, "No there's... there's stuff on those tapes, about your father and mine. Stuff that I've never told you."
This is probably the most serious I've ever heard Jimmy, when he perches his elbows on his knees and focuses his eyes on the side of my face, "What kind of stuff Harry?"
There's no jokes. No smart ass comebacks.
I find it easier when he's being annoying.
The words feel stuck in my throat, and I press my lips hard together before sitting the frame next to me on the seat; and resting my forehead against my hands with my elbows on my knees.
"The first time... the first time my father did that stuff to me in the basement, was because of what I saw when I went down there. David and my father were down there."
"Yeah Harry I know it was David's idea, I know he's an evil cunt," Jimmy responds, not sounding sure about what I'm explaining.
"No no... but what I saw," I try to say, shaking my head, "What I saw them doing. They wanted to make sure I wouldn't tell anyone... and I never did."
"What were they doing?" there's no humour in Jimmy's voice, instead it's full of concern.
"I wanted to protect you," I say with my thoughts tumbling out before I could stop them, all these things I'd kept inside all these years, "I didn't want them to hurt you like they did with me so I never told you... and then when I got older I didn't tell you because... because I still wanted to protect you."
"Harry, mate, protect me from what?" Jimmy leans down further trying to get me to look at him but I won't.
I rub my hands against my face, trying to push away the memories in my head, "After the way David treated you, I didn't want it to hurt you if you found out."
As much as Jimmy does my fucking head in, he's always been family to me and for the longest time the only thing close to a friend that I've known.
He's always meant the world to me even if I can't show it.
"Harry just tell me, it's alright you can tell me. You don't gotta protect me from anything."
Jimmy sounds scared of whatever scenarios his own brain is coming up with, and I finally drop my hands from my face; staring at the ground with my brows pulled tight together.
"I saw my father and David kissing. They were recording it for some fuckin' reason... but I walked in on them kissing."
"Wait, what?"
And just like that all the memories and thoughts start pouring out.
"I still don't really know what was going on, but that's what I saw. I was too young back then to even really understand what I saw, I mean fuck, I was only five years old but they were furious with me. I'd woken up scared from a nightmare and went looking for someone, I thought I'd been left alone. I went into the basement where I heard music and... there they were."
I start to crack my knuckles and my jaw tenses, "They kept me down there for hours. I begged David to help me, I begged my father to stop... I didn't understand what I'd done wrong. They made damn sure I wouldn't tell anyone, and I didn't. Not even you... but I know David made your life hell too. That fucking asshole treated you like shit for being gay and yet he was down in that basement doing who the fuck knows with my father."
Jimmy is quiet, which is absolutely unusual for him. You can never shut him up normally.
"When I came here to Australia to find you, and I was older -- I still didn't know how to tell you. It still felt like I needed to keep it a secret," I say shaking my head, and my stomach is knotting in ways that's making me want to wince from it.
I don't know if I expect him to be angry, or what I expect, but what he says next certainly wasn't it.
"Harry... I knew. I knew about David and your father."
My eyes whip my eyes to him that fast, I'm shocked I didn't snap my neck, "You knew?"
His entire face is filled with a pained, and sad expression as he stares back at me.
"I had no idea that's what happened with you though. That... that's what started that basement shit. I didn't even know you knew about that shit between them."
I'm glad we sat down because it feels like my legs have been kicked out from underneath me.
"But... but how? How did you know? You've known this whole time David was gay or whatever he is? And my father?"
Jimmy looks like he's been eaten alive while he looks at me, and he rubs his fingers over his brows before letting out a heavy sigh.
"My mum told me. She's the one that knew about it. It's why David hauled our asses back to Australia and then fucked off as quick as he could barely a year later," Jimmy threads his hands together with his elbows still on his knees and stares at his shoes, "He sure as shit made sure he made that the worst year of her life though, he broke her that year. She told me about David and Matt just before he left when she was drunk one night."
He glances at me, "Why the hell do you think I was having all those digs at him, that day we went to his office? Saying I had a dick at home to suck and I knew how much he'd love that? Or that sticker I put on his desk?"
I try to open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out and I'm not sure what the fuck to say at this point.
"The day that son of a bitch left when I was fifteen, I made sure I screamed it at him that I knew everything. I was throwing it back in his face the day we went to see him. I wanted him to remember that I knew. I never knew that they had been filming it though or it was on tape, that there was proof. I thought all of your father's tapes were of him hurting you and that's it."
Jimmy runs his tongue along the inside of his cheek and shakes his head, "You've kept that to yourself the whole time? Even when were kids? To protect me?"
I swallow hard, and look back to my hands where I've nearly made the skin raw from how hard I'm twisting my rings around my fingers.
"... I didn't want you to do what they were doing to me."
Jimmy exhales a pained scoff, and buries his face in his hands, "That's not your fuckin job Harry. I was older. It was my job to protect you.. To look out for you. I can't believe those sick fucks did those things to you over something like that. David didn't even give a fuck about your father, that's what makes it worse."
"What are you talking about?" he has my attention again, and I'm even more confused.
"The thing going on between them," Jimmy huffs, "It's not what you think. Trust me, I've been around enough men that would beat my ass in public but want to fuck me in private. And David is not one of those types of men. He wasn't in the closet, he didn't hate me because I'm gay."
Jimmy looks at me, with nothing but bitterness in his voice, "The prick hated me because he couldn't control me and I did everything I fucking could to make sure I was everything he didn't want. David hates what makes him look bad or fucks with his money or image. End of story."
"... So my dad wasn't...? And David wasn't... ? Wait, what the fuck?"
Jimmy snorts, but it's a dry humourless laugh, "Ah fuck no, your father was absolutely into men, mum said she saw that a mile away. But he was too scared of what people would think of him, so he hid it. David on the other hand? He knew your father always had a thing for him - a lot more than a best mate, and I guess he used it to his advantage to get what he was after. I mean c'mon Harry, you know as much as I do that David was balls deep in his receptionists or any woman he could get his hands on. He wasn't faking that."
"I still don't understand," I frown, not sure whether I feel fucking relieved that Jimmy knew about this or upset I spent all this time thinking I had to keep it a secret.
"I don't really understand either, being totally honest - mum was always kinda messed up when she'd try and explain it, it didn't make much sense," Jimmy says, running his palm down over his face, "All I know is David was using your father, and your father cared way more about David and David played along. He really had your father fooled too."
"Using him for what though? That makes no sense," I tell him, feeling like my fucking head is going to explode from how hard it's throbbing from trying to understand any of this.
"My guess was money, or his connections because your father was a doctor, I dunno, your guess is as good as mine" Jimmy says, smoothing his fingers through his hair to push back some bits that had fallen onto his forehead, "All I know is the second my mother threatened to tell people about it, he took us as far away as he could get. And if your father meant so much to David, why would he leave? I'd love to know what he was really up to."
I shake my head, "I don't know. I can't fucking wrap my head around any of this. Why did your mum threaten him?"
Jimmy sucks in a breath, and sits up straight while he smooths his hands down his thighs, "that last day I saw you... When your dad punched me. I went home and mum saw my face, I was a mess and yelling about what your father was doing to you. David came home and they had a big fight, that's when she threatened him... and let me tell ya, he beat the fuck out of her that night. I tried to stop him but he threatened to kill her and mum begged me to go to my room."
He clears his throat when his voice breaks at the end, and tries to compose himself, "I didn't know what she meant when she threatened him or what she was talking about--"
Jimmy then stops dead and looks at me, "Is that what you meant that day? When you were trying to get your father to stop hitting me? When you said you'd tell people about something? I never heard what you said properly, my fuckin ears were ringing. I thought you meant you'd tell people that he hurts you."
I nod slowly, and bite down hard on my lower lip, "Yeah... that's what I meant. He fuckin made sure I paid for that too."
Jimmy hangs his head, and takes a deep breath before he says, "I'm so sorry I let you down that day. I'm sorry I couldn't stop him. I should have never left your room. You were just a kid... I could never get how scared you looked out of my head."
There's a deep pain in my chest listening to how guilty Jimmy sounds, and he has never said anything like that to me before.
I sit up properly, and look at Jimmy, "We were both kids Jimmy. It wasn't your fault. It's my piece of shit father's fault."
Jimmy shakes his head, rubbing his finger under his nose and looking straight ahead into our quiet street, "It's not the point. I was bigger. I was older. I should've kept you safe and it wasn't your fuckin job to try and help me or protect me from shit."
"Why did you never tell me? That you knew about my father and David?" I ask him, watching his expression and trying to figure out what's going through his head.
We've never really spoken like this, and it's fucking weird but I don't feel as uncomfortable as I thought I would. Any time we'd spoken about this sort of thing i was usually off my face and losing my shit. We weren't talking about it, I was screaming about it.
Jimmy was always there trying to stop me from doing something stupid.
He shrugs a shoulder, and exhales heavily through his nose, "Probably for the same reason you never told me. I guess I thought I was protecting you somehow. Besides... When could I have told you? It's not like we talk about shit. When I first saw you again when you were eighteen, I hadn't seen you in eight years. You were so... you were so different, I barely recognized you. I could see how all that shit you went through changed you."
I look away, and stare out at the empty street, frowning.
"I was really pissed at you for a lot of years, you know," I tell him, deciding to push myself and say the things that i never have all these years, "I was angry at you for leaving me even though I knew it wasn't your fault. Eventually I was just angry at everything, but after David took you away... I was fucking gutted I lost my best friend. I was completely alone. Most of all I blamed myself though, because I thought it was my fault you left."
I never knew how to explain to Jimmy that's why I've always been so cold towards him, and honestly I really didn't understand that was the reason either until recently.
Jimmy turns a bit to look at me, but I keep my eyes on the street, "I never wanted to leave Harry. If I had a choice I would have stayed. I thought about you, every . Single. Day. I was terrified I'd never see you again. It fuckin haunted me knowing you were stuck there with that asshole and the things he'd be doing to you."
Jimmy's voice becomes tight, and the sorrow in it makes my chest feel like I have razor blades slicing through it, "I begged mum to let me stay. I begged her to help me take you with us. Hell, I even begged my fucking father for the first time in my life but he didn't care."
"I never wanted to leave you alone," he says choking up, and I have to damn near sink my teeth into my bottom lip to stop it from shaking, "If I could have, I would've been down in that basement with you every time. I would've gone through it with you. I wanted to be there with you and it still fucking kills me that you were alone. I'd give anything to fucking change that."
I'm clenching my teeth, trying to swallow down the lump in my throat, and my eyes start to burn.
"I wouldn't wish what he did to me on anyone Jimmy. Especially you."
"I'd take all of it in a heartbeat for you," he responds in a split second, and hearing his voice break is tearing at my insides, "Harry... if you gave me the choice to have my mum back, or for me to be able to make it so you never had to go through any of the things that happened to you - I'd pick you. No question."
That makes me look at Jimmy, and his red welled up eyes have me exhaling a shaky breath through my nose.
"I mean that," he looks me dead in the eye, and takes a deep breath, "That's how much you matter to me. I wouldn't even think twice about that choice."
I tilt my head back, blinking quickly while I wipe at my eyes and I'm trying my hardest to not let everything spill out.
I look back to Jimmy, and my voice is scratchy from the emotions I'm trying to swallow down.
"Well... just so you know, I'd go through everything that happened to me again if it meant you could have your mum back."
I try to give him a weak smile, as my chin shakes and Jimmy wraps his arm around my shoulder while he wipes the back of his hand over his cheeks where they're damp now.
He squeezes his arm around my shoulder, and we both stay silent. I'm doing my best to try and compose myself until he speaks again.
"I know you hate hearing it or never believed it, but I do love you. You're my baby brother. Always will be."
My voice is quiet, and I didn't think Jimmy would even hear me when I responded while staring down at my hands.
"... I love you too."
I feel Jimmy's body physically stiffen beside me, and brace myself for some kind of outburst but there isn't one. And when he doesn't react with anything other than patting his hand against my arm; I know he's not making a big deal for my benefit.
We stay silent for a few more moments, until Jimmy rests his head against mine, and I hear him take a deep breath.
"You know not to ruin the moment... but fuck you still smell good.I'm really digging Peaches shampoo. Ol' tropical locks."
I shove him away, grunting, "Oh fuck off Jimmy."
He shoves me back, with that loud laugh and shit eating grin I know so well, and ruffles his hand in my hair.
"C'mon let's go inside before Peaches and Steve start thinking we've run off together, you shithead."
I slap his arm away as he stands, and grunt to myself under my breath.
"You're a fuckin shithead."
******
Harry said 'I love you' to Jimmy:
******
A/N: Heyo love bugs, are you being kind to yourselves?
I appreciate all of you, and I hope you're staying hydrated and getting some good shut eye.
We've got a wedding to get ready for.
*tender loving bum pats*