Title: The Perfect Harmony
Author: Maggie-Nary
Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9
Summary: 3.5/5
Wow, I have to say, I was stunned by your summary when I first read it. I love the concept of the character telling it, with that final note about how they are counting on the five teenagers – that felt very powerful, very ominous, and I would absolutely recommend that you keep it that way because it's very fresh and gripping to read. You introduce characters and conflict very well, so once again, you've done a great job.
It is bordering too long, in that I cannot see it fitting on the back of a hardback novel. I do think you should try considering making it more succinct – what details are pivotal? What do you absolutely need for the summary to be cohesive? I know you're trying to do worldbuilding and show us your world before the story starts, but this should be kept to an absolute minimum.
Additionally, watch out for some little errors, such as:
Two of them suffers from chronic illnesses...
Since you're in plural tense, it should be:
Two of them suffer from chronic illnesses...
Same rule applies for:
...and two of them tries to figure out where they want to go on someday.
Consider:
...and two of them try to figure out where they want to go someday.
Grammar: 3/5
Overall, there were definitely a few things you could work on grammatically. Let's go through some examples, shall we?
Those two kept on asking of what I would do with the letter that someone had given me.
This is just an example of the sentence itself not being cohesive. Consider:
Those two kept on asking what I would do with the letter that someone had given me.
Watch out for words that seem similar to one another, such as:
"And the campus hearth throb," Nora added.
A hearth is like the base of a furnace. It should be:
"And the campus heart throb," Nora added.
Additionally, I find some things like:
I sighed, accepting my defeat. " Fine then, thanks for the concern! Well. here's the thing. Nicky asked me to come and see him at the field so I'll have to shrug it off"
A few errors were in this. First of all, you don't need the gap between the open inverted commas and the 'fine', you are missing capitals at the start of your sentence, and you were also missing punctuation at the end of the sentence. It should be:
I sighed, accepting my defeat. "Fine then, thanks for the concern! Well, here's the thing. Nicky asked me to come and see him at the field, so I'll have to shrug it off."
You also have conflicting tenses, such as:
He's crying. [he's = he is = present tense]
Shane got up and was about to shoot through... [got, was = past tense]
Make sure they are consistent! And finally, look out for:
"...elaborate," the woman with a raven hair denounced.
A raven hair suggests she has a single raven hair. Consider just:
"...elaborate," the woman with raven hair denounced.
Characterisation: 3/5
I think, overall, you have some strong characterisation – your characters are realistic, distinct from one another, and have dialogue that seems fitting and appropriate towards the context. However, there were a few things I noted.
I feel like the writing, overall, as it is in first person, tends to lack a bit of feeling and detail. It often feels like you're moving into telling territory instead of showing territory, but instead of just telling you this, why not show you?
His appearance became so intriguing, yet I realised something...
Okay, so you briefly described his appearance before – but what about the appearance suddenly feels more intriguing than it was before? What has changed? Has anything changed? If not, then why has it become more intriguing – is there a hint of familiarity? Or something that the face does that catches his attention?
I was kind of feeling pity for him, for he's still young and just a miserable sorcerer who lost his sanity after all.
Pity – it's a powerful emotion. What does that feel like? If someone is experiencing pity, how would you show that to someone? What thoughts would be running through Filan's head as he feels this pity? What physiological reactions would he have?
This definitely confused me, so I tended to take a peek.
Again, show us the confusion. Why is he confused? Since it's in first person, would he ask a rhetorical question that could show us exactly what he is confused about?
The whole ride was like a silent bonding between us. Memories were flashing in my mind with a few melodies accompanying them
Nice – I like the idea of melodies following the memories. But delve that little bit deeper. What exactly do those memories look like? What are the memories of? What about the melodies – what do those sound like?
It's these small things that add showing to the character, and make them more engaging as a whole and show the reader more idiosyncrasies between them.
Writing Style: 3/5
You know, there were some great moments within the writing. When Filan falls in the water in that first chapter, it was so great reading about the way he feels like he's pulled in, with an effective use of rhetorical question. But I want more, more, more – what does that water feel like? Is it cold, warm? Does it crash into him, or is it like a slow ooze?
And even in small moments, when he's having that water fight with Shantair and he's literally hit by an ice block, what would that feel like? I know these are small things, but they make the writing more immersive, slow the pace down, and make it easier to follow.
Overall, I think you have a very traditional style of writing, that is easy to follow – however, you do sometimes need to make sure everything is clear and cohesive. When that voice comes along, with the perish the life, wash the earth, quench the fire, oppress the wind – and he suddenly squashes everything like maggots, it was powerful because I could feel that bitterness and seething wrath. However, by slowing it down, by manipulating sentence structure to use shorter paragraphs and hammer points home, it could have been more clear but also more distinct and memorable.
And also, be careful to remember you are in first person. That means that the character can't necessarily feel what other characters are feeling directly, and you need to be careful of that. For example:
The insane water sorcerer growled as he became overwhelmed with the pain that the small inferno caused through his skin.
We can hear him growl for sure, and we can assume he's in pain – but we can't actually say that he's become overwhelmed with the pain since we are in first person, and we don't actually know for sure that he is overwhelmed with pain. So do be careful of that!
Plot + Originality: 3/5
So, I don't like to comment on the length of chapters because I find that's a very subjective thing that varies from story to story. However, a chapter does require a clear beginning, middle and end, and right now, yours don't provide that because they are far too long, include a mix of too many scenes, too many climaxes, and too many resolutions. I really recommend splitting up your chapters into smaller chunks, keeping in mind that there needs to be a clear beginning, middle, and end.
However, I think you've got some great things within your story – I think the message and the way you speak about how there's nothing wrong with having a mental illness is so impactful, so I must commend you on that! I also think you have some great pacing in the action scenes, some great magical and fantastical elements within your story that make it fresh and unique.
I do however think that, at the start, there's a bit of vagueness surrounding your story that makes it hard to ease into. When you mention the letter, you describe it as 'the letter someone had given me'. When you talk about his pals knowing about an 'earlier situation', it's just described as an 'earlier situation' – and sometimes, that vagueness can be quite disorientating, especially at the start of the story. Maybe be a bit more specific in those moments so the reader can ask questions, but also have some questions answered to keep them hooked.
And finally, even in the moments of suspenseful climax, make sure you slow down your pace to add a sense of realism to your story. For example, when Filan literally pulls metal from his stomach and the wound heals and closes like it's nothing – show us a bit more of that. What would that feel like? What does it look like to see? How does it work? The mechanics behind it?
Immerse your reader as much as possible for your plot to be engaging. Otherwise, good work!
OVERALL SCORE: 15.5/25
Overall, an enchanting story with great elements and messages within it. Just work on slowing down your pace and polishing grammar, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!