Dara might have stayed drifting just below consciousness for hours on end, but hunger and thirst drove him to push through the haze. He made an involuntary sound of startlement as he finally found himself in the waking world again.
His whole body felt exhausted and achey, but he wasn't in any real pain. He could hear talking, but he wasn't awake enough to make sense of the words just yet. Hands gingerly pulled him up and he was propped upright against someone else's body. A cup of water was pressed against his lips and slowly tilted as he drank.
He was awake enough now to know that the person he was leaning against was Maric. He still didn't have the energy to process words, but the gentle resonance of Maric's voice when he set aside formalities and defences was familiar.
Dara almost didn't want to get better. He couldn't remember everything that had happened recently just then, but he knew things hadn't been like this anymore.
But he was hungry — starving — and he could only delay so long. He was already starting to wake up properly and remember, already starting to process snippets of the conversation happening around him. Mathers was also in the room.
"Food," Dara murmured.
Maric stroked a hand over the top of Dara's hair. "You want food? What would you like?"
"Food," Dara repeated.
"No, I— Okay, we'll get you food."
"I'll go get him something," Mathers offered.
Maric must have nodded or given some other non-verbal sign of approval, because a few moments later Dara heard the door open and shut and they were alone.
"How are you feeling?" Maric asked.
"Tired."
"Do you want me to lay you back down?"
Dara made a sound that was half groan, half whine in the back of his throat. He didn't have the words to verbalise that no, he very much did not want Maric to lay him back down. This might be the last time Maric ever held him, and he wasn't about to let go of it so easily.
"Okay," Maric said, and he didn't move, so Dara assumed he understood.
Dara remembered what had happened now. He remembered everything. He remembered Maric finding out what he was. He remembered the rejection afterwards. He remembered arriving here, in the city of Givanon, and he remembered being left alone in his room while Maric and his men went to the party.
And he remembered falling. He remembered being pushed.
"The slave," Dara murmured. "He pushed me."
"Which slave?"
"Big one."
"Fraccus? Lord Nolen's slave?"
Dara nodded against Maric's chest.
"Did he say anything?"
Dara shook his head.
"Nothing? You're sure?"
"Nothing," Dara confirmed.
Maric sighed. "We thought that was probably the case."
With a bit of effort and confused assistance from Maric, Dara managed to turn so that the side of his head was resting against Maric's chest and he was curled into his lap. "Did Lord Nolen tell him to do it?"
"We think so, but we can't prove it." Maric sighed and rested his hand on Dara's upper arm. "And that's the issue. If he were almost anyone else I could have him punished — even executed — if I wanted to, but with his status it's hard to take any action without solid proof against him."
"Maric..."
"Mm?"
"You should have proof before you punish people. Even the not important ones."
"Well, I— Yes, I suppose. I am reasonably sure he was involved, though."
"Please don't execute anyone for me."
"Ah. I was sort of planning to. In regards to those guards."
Dara was silent for a long moment. "Okay. I don't want to watch."
"You're okay with me having them executed?"
"Mm. The ones you had whipped. Only them."
Maric shifted his arm so that it was secured more snuggly around Dara. "Okay."
"Is this the only way to get your attention now? Almost dying?"
"Do you want my attention?"
"Obviously."
"Well, it's not so obvious to me what your desires or motivations are anymore. I have no way of knowing what you did because you wanted to and what you did as a means to survive."
"Mm..."
"Mm?"
Dara pushed away from Maric so that he was sitting on his own... more or less. He had one hand on Maric's shoulder to steady himself and the spinning in his head threatened to knock him down, but he managed to stay upright with only a slight wobble. "You could ask me."
Maric opened his mouth like he was about to defend himself, but what ended up coming out was a reluctant, "Yes. I was scared."
"Scared?"
"You lied to me. I don't blame you for it, but it hurt. Please take this as a compliment, Dara, when I say that you have become my greatest point of weakness."
"Is that why you don't want to be around me anymore?"
Maric groaned. "No, I— Yes, but no. I do want you around, but this situation is a complicated one and my feelings are all mixed up in it."
"Well, so are mine. I have feelings, too."
Maric's features softened. "I know, Dara. I'm sorry."
Dara sank back against Maric's chest. "It's okay. I'm not really angry. Just sad."
Maric wrapped his arms around Dara. "What do you want?"
Dara wanted many things. He wanted to stay in Maric's arms forever. He wanted to eat an entire plump, roast chicken. "I want to be a person."
"You are a person."
"No. I'm a healer now. Even if I can't heal anyone ever again."
"It's a highly respected position. Nobody will dare mistreat you."
"Somebody threw me out of a window," Dara mused.
"Well— yes. But I bet he wouldn't have if he'd known."
"No, I know. I just thought it was funny. Maybe it's not."
"I didn't find it very funny."
"Got your attention, though," Dara murmured. "Is there a less painful way to do that?"
"What do you want?" Maric asked again. "From me, specifically."
"It's the same answer, followed by a more detailed list of specifics. But I am still a slave. Maybe being a person is an unreasonable request."
"Slaves are people."
"Most people don't think so."
Maric's hand stroked up and down Dara's arm. "When you're not a slave it's very easy not to think so, or not to think of it much at all. If you're wealthy, you benefit, and if you're poor, well, at least you're not a slave. You have someone beneath you. Maybe it's easier for me because I don't need slaves to have people serve me or to have people who are, at least in terms of status, beneath me."
"Mm," Dara said.
"Lord Nolen's other slave, Bug, has been helping us. He told us you'd been hurt. He has visions of the future, so he knew what had happened."
"Where is he?"
"With Brayan. I think the experience has shifted Brayan's perspective somewhat. He seems genuinely concerned for Bug."
"Can you help him?"
Maric let out a long sigh. "I'd like to, but what can I do? We already discussed what I can and can't do, and what I should and shouldn't do without proof."
"You know he abuses his slave. You have proof of that."
"That is not a crime, unfortunately. But even if I could get away with taking this one man's slave, that would not be a real solution to this problem. There were people at the party last night with child slaves who were likely being abused just as badly. My own father..." Maric took a deep breath in and shook his head. "Seeing these things and not doing anything isn't easy, but if I take action against each case individually I burn huge amounts of good will to help just one person. And that's not to say that one person isn't important, but is that the best choice if it means it will be more difficult to make bigger changes later on?"
Dara curled in deeper under Maric's arm. "It feels bad. To know what that's like and do nothing. And to have things better now, to be safe, and to still just feel... angry." He took a breath in, let it out, and reluctantly added, "Neglected."
"Has Brayan not been taking care of you?"
"Maric," Dara said, because he did not have the energy to explain this properly right now.
Maric was silent for a moment. "I have not been taking care of you properly. You're my slave."
Dara didn't say anything.
"No. You're my... I don't know. We had something, didn't we? Something else, or at least the beginnings of it. And I walked away from that."
"Yes. Because a healer was worth more to you. Even the possibility of a healer was worth more to you."
"That wasn't why."
"You treated me exactly how I was treated by others when it was why."
"I didn't know what to do, Dara. You do know the reason you're not supposed to have intimate relationships with healers is to avoid causing them trauma, yes?"
"It's to avoid risk to an asset in the same way that there were likely things you weren't permitted to do as a child that other children were, despite their parents loving them and also not wanting any harm to come to them. You can't live a good life by minimising all risk, but you can protect an asset that way."
"What we had... that's something you still want?"
"Yes, Maric."
Maric was silent for a long moment. "Why?"
"Because you're kinder than you have to be, and most people aren't. They like to believe that they are, but deep down it's just a means of earning social currency. The moment they have power over someone, the kindness disappears."
"I suppose I wouldn't know much about that. There aren't many people I've been powerless to."
"That's how I know I can trust you. Things haven't been perfect — you haven't been perfect — but even when you thought I was just a damaged, worthless slave you still considered my feelings. I think if I became a free man tomorrow, there would always be a part of me that looked at every friend I made, every lover I took, and wondered what they'd do if the power balance was tipped between us. It's so hard to know what kind of darkness people are capable of. But with you... with you I know."
"I saw my father harm many people when I was a child. Often they were slaves, but sometimes they weren't. Some of them were my friends. At some point I realised that the part of me that cared was starting to shut down so that I could protect myself emotionally, and that terrified me because what if that was the first step in becoming like him? What if each day you care about people a little less until you start to enjoy their suffering? As an adult — as a leader — these sorts of things become more complicated, but I still panic a little when I realise I've been callous. And when nobody questions you, it's easy to do."
"I question you."
"And I appreciate that you do. I like knowing that you won't let me hurt you. Or... I've hoped that you wouldn't, or that we were past a point where you would, and then I found out I knew nothing. That you were still quietly letting me treat you poorly."
"Being treated like a healer isn't necessarily better. It's lonely."
Maric shook his head. "I understand that. There are aspects specific to it that you find distasteful. But there are certain things, certain signs of respect and consideration, that are extended only to healers. Other slaves, we must constantly display our dominance over."
"Yes, that's true."
"And I was doing that. Perhaps poorly at times, but I was trying to. I saw it as important, as did Brayan, and we worked to strengthen that dynamic. But Dara, that's not a law. That's social respectability."
"Social respectability is rather important for a prince."
"Being treated like a person is rather important for a person. Of course a little discretion is called for, but what I did wasn't what was best for you and I only considered that when I found out you had status." Maric tightened his arms around Dara. "I don't deserve you."
"I don't know that I agree, but getting rarely has much to do with deserving."
Maric hummed his agreement. "You never really answered the question. What do you want from me?"
"Just... this. I want you to hold me and talk to me like I'm a person. I want to know that you care and that you'll be here. I don't mind if we have to pretend things are otherwise when we're in public. I understand the necessity. But when we're alone... this. I want this."
"And... the more physical elements? Do you truly want those? Did you ever?"
"I want it, but if the taboo is too great I understand. I wouldn't want to pressure you into doing anything you're uncomfortable with any more than you want to do the same to me."
"I don't think I would have the strength not to, when you're here and willing. Mathers seems to think it has done you no harm."
"No, Maric, it hasn't harmed me. The Eth hold no such belief regarding healers and sex."
Maric nodded decisively. "We'll make this work, then. I'm not sure how it will look when we're in public, but we'll figure it out."
"Together," Dara added.
"Together," Maric agreed.