.i can't describe what it felt like. it was excruciating and yet, i felt numb. my heart screamed in pain and yet, there was complete silence. i can't quite put it into words but i know this, i died and yet, i live.
We debated for a whole week on how to move forward.
A whole week, and we were just as lost at the end of it as we were at the beginning.
There was no plausible way for us to get the Horcrux out of that cave. The boat to the island -as Kreacher told us- only held one wizard of age. And I was adamantly against letting Regulus go alone.
He brought the idea up several times through the course of the week, but I shot it down quickly. The nightmares had been too frequent, seemed too real. I wouldn't let him go knowing that what I saw had a possibility of happening.
We were locked in a stalemate. He firmly believed it was the only way forward, but I wouldn't even entertain the thought.
Christmas came and went, and the New Year loomed before us. We had finally gotten a dusting of snow. It blanketed the world with white, making everything seem fresh and pure.
What a deceit that was.
Oddly enough, things had been relatively quiet for several days. Like the calm before a massive storm.
It unnerved me.
The Dark Lord hadn't called any meetings since he asked to borrow Kreacher. In fact, no one had even seen so much as a glimpse of him since that night. Many were happy for the respite, but I wasn't. I knew that if he wasn't actively making plays he was planning something big, I felt it deep in my bones.
That's why I wasn't surprised in the least when Regulus was called to the Dark Lord's side and given instructions to go on a raid with Travers, Avery, and Nott. The calm had to subside at some point. I almost wanted the storm to come. Waiting for it was almost more terrifying.
I should have known something was wrong that afternoon when Regulus bid me goodbye. Should have known something was off.
He pulled me into a tight embrace, and clung to me tighter than he ever had before. His hands wound up through my hair, and he kissed me deeply, passionately.
When he pulled away, there were tears in his eyes. He gently brushed his fingers across my cheek, and planted a soft kiss on my forehead.
"No matter what happens, remember how much I love, and have always loved you." He whispered, his voice strained.
I thought he was just worried about the raid. Every time we said goodbye, there was a possibility it could be the last time. I thought he was just being overcautious.
What a complete fool I was.
I didn't think much of it because I had my own assignment. Teaching Occlumency to Bellatrix and to Severus. I was too distracted by my hatred of delving into Bellatrix's mind to notice what Regulus's actions meant.
A loud knock sounded at the door of the drawing room, startling me from my stupor.
I was expecting the interruption, but had lost track of time pouring over books Regulus had pulled from the library that he thought might be helpful.
I wasn't even able to cross the room completely before the door slammed open.
Standing in the doorway like an ominous cloud was Severus Snape.
"Must you always be so dramatic?" I huffed, rolling my eyes at his entrance.
He just sneered at me in response before striding across the room, his cloak billowing out behind him.
"I'm quite serious." I continued. "I fear for my door after all of these weeks of being slammed open by you."
He had slammed it every single time he was here.
"You're a witch." Snape drawled, his expression bored. "You can just fix it with a flick of your wand."
"That's not the point." I demanded, crossing my arms over my chest in annoyance.
"Oh?" He asked, his eyebrows raised. "And what is the point?"
"The point," I huffed, "is that you shouldn't treat other's things like you do."
"Is that all?" He plopped down on the velvet sofa, and kicked his feet up on a small table.
I just shot him an incredulous look.
"My time has been wasted by such a meaningless conversation." He said, trying to goad me. I could tell.
"You're the worst. You know that, don't you?" I shot at him, moving to sit in the armchair across from him.
"That's subjective." He waved his hand dismissively. "And given the fact that you spend the majority of your time around Death Eaters, I don't quite believe you."
Our lesson went rather quickly. It always did with Severus. He was getting quite good at Occlumency. I very rarely saw any memories or thoughts anymore. His horror towards me prying in his personal thoughts served as a wonderful motivator for him to learn as much as he could, as quickly as he could.
Unfortunately for me, Bellatrix lacked a similar motivation.
Severus normally departed quickly after we were finished. To my surprise he didn't leap to the door today like he usually did. Instead, he stayed sitting on the dark velvet sofa picking at a loose thread in the stitching.
"Am I just to assume you're enjoying my company today?"
He fought to keep his face expressionless, but I was good at reading people. And he wouldn't still be here if he didn't have something to say.
"What is it, Severus?" I asked suddenly feeling exhausted.
"Have you heard from her?" His voice sounded strangled, almost like the very last thing he wanted to do was ask me that question.
I knew immediately who he meant by "her". But if he wasn't going to be forthcoming, I was going to let him dangle a little.
"Who?" I replied innocently, letting my eyebrows knit in feigned confusion.
"You know very well of whom I speak." He hissed at me, his face contorting in anger.
It took all I had not to roll my eyes at him.
"I may be a mind reader, but I've just taught you how to keep yours closed." I huffed, crossing my legs.
"Lily." He replied exasperatedly. "Have you heard from Lily?"
A small smile quirked at my lips. I had wondered for a while if his feelings for her would decay with time, especially considering who he had cast his lot with. I guess I had my answer.
"No. I haven't." I said, carefully. "Though I happen to know they have been on the move since the last attempt on their life."
I was careful not to reveal too much information about them. Severus, after all was still pledged to The Dark Lord. Though his loyalties were fuzzy where Lily was concerned, I didn't want to find out who would ultimately win out in that battle.
"And he hasn't said anything else since you spoke to him?"
By him, I assumed he meant The Dark Lord.
"No." I replied solemnly. "Though he hasn't ordered another assault on their lives. I'm not sure how long it will last. But for now they are safer than before."
"Do you think he will actually spare her?" Though he fought to keep it away, there was a modicum of fear in his voice.
I was silent for a moment. The truth was that I wasn't sure. The Dark Lord didn't make promises like that.
"I don't know." I admitted, watching him closely. "The Dark Lord was very clear that he would offer them one last chance to swear fealty. But we both know that Lily and James will never join him. Our best hope now is that he doesn't catch them."
Severus just gave a curt nod, his face was an emotionless mask.
"He knows we care for them. Let us hope that means something to him." I said, trying to be comforting. But I knew there was a sour undertone to my words. Almost like I didn't believe them.
Snape's eyes flashed in anger at my statement. "I care for her. Not him. Do your best to remember that." He hissed, and strode from the drawing room with a dramatic sweep of his cloak.
I didn't stand up to follow him out, instead, I sat in anger. I didn't like how he deliberately left James out of the equation. He was Lily's husband and part of caring for her meant caring about what was important to her.
I didn't know why he couldn't understand that.
Bellatrix arrived shortly after, her lesson as much a failure as it usually was.
I was exasperated and tired by the end of it. The Dark Lord would expect progress in her eventually. And though she had made some, it was very, very slow. I didn't know how long I would have until his patience wore thin.
All I wanted to do was fall into a deep, dreamless sleep. But for some reason I could not. A deep pit had formed in my stomach. And I did not know why.
But that pit seemed to deepen, and icy dread started to leech through me.
I had a distressing amount of fear and anxiety in my life. But most of it was so present that I had began to get used to the heavy feeling. But this, this was different. This was something else entirely.
I thought back through the day, wondering if it had been something from earlier that had set me on edge.
Snape was nasty, Bellatrix cruel and calloused. But none of that was particularly out of the ordinary.
The only thing that had been out of the ordinary was Regulus and his emotional goodbye.
I tried desperately to remember what he had told me about the raid he was sent on. Tried to remember if he said how dangerous it would be.
But the fear in the pit of my stomach seemed to grip me tighter as I recalled the way he had clung to me, his body taut with tension.
As I recalled the tears that glistened in his eyes.
There had been nothing normal about that goodbye. And I had been too distracted to properly pick up on it.
I didn't know who to turn to. Didn't know who to ask. So I sat in silent dread, waiting for him to return.
The hours passed, and the sky grew dark. But still he had not returned.
And gradually my thoughts began to wander. Began to creep into the quiet dark places I so often forbade them to go.
The places that had been created by my darkest nightmares
He had promised me that he would not go to the cave. And yet, what if he had broken that promise?
I wanted to push the thought away. Wanted to trust that he would never do such a thing. But when you are deep in the clutches of fear and worry, the mind feeds on such thoughts.
And though I didn't want to admit it, I knew that if he thought that going into that cave alone was the only way to keep me safe, he would do it without a second thought.
I suddenly remembered his words from long ago.
'I don't think you truly understand. You are the single most important thing in the world to me. The same way I am yours, you are mine. And I would go to the ends of the earth; I would suffer any pain; I would make any vow; I would burn this world down to keep you from feeling betrayal. To keep you from feeling pain, or grief, or sadness.'
A sharp sob rose up in my chest, and I couldn't stop it. Couldn't stop the panic that enveloped me.
'I would go to the ends of the earth; I would suffer any pain; I would make any vow; I would burn this world down...'
And though I didn't want to believe it, though I sat in that drawing room for hours waiting for him to walk back through the door, I knew deep down he wouldn't.
I knew where he had gone, and what he had done.
But even though my soul knew it, my heart refused to believe it.
So I waited, long after the fire died in the grate I waited. And waited.
Every time I felt the panic arise in me, I gripped my palms hard, feeling the sharp bite of my nails against the soft flesh. Feeling the sticky blood coat my hands. The pain grounded me, kept me focused.
And sometime just before midnight, a sharp crack rang through the house.
I was on my feet in an instant, tearing through the halls. And as stupid as it was, a small part of me dared to hope that I would see him waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs. Dared to hope that those horribly vivid dreams that tormented me for years were nothing more than a figment of my most internal fears.
The second I arrived in the entrance hall, all of the hope inside of me died.
In front of me, sobbing on his knees was Kreacher. And he clung desperately to a green and silver scarf.
My heart seemed to completely fall from my chest.
"Kreacher, where is he?" I cried, falling to my knees beside him.
My question was just met with a louder scream.
"Kreacher!" I yelled, hysteria starting to envelop me. I shook his little shoulders fiercely, trying to get him to concentrate for a single moment. "Kreacher, where is Regulus?"
Kreacher wailed and sniffled, and as I saw the look of utter agony on his face, the pit in my stomach threatened to pull me in completely.
"Master Regulus forbade Kreacher to tell Mistress Black." He sobbed, tears dripping down his face and staining the sack he wore.
"Kreacher," I pleaded, my voice rife with anxiety. "Please. I love him. Please tell me where he is."
Kreacher just shook his head firmly, his lips pursed together in a thin line.
Desperation began to rise inside of me, and pushed me to do something so morally reprehensible. Something I abhorred doing. But Regulus was right all those months ago. We walk firmly in the gray area, and that was never made more clear to me than in this moment.
I forced Kreacher to look me in the eyes, and held his cheeks tight in my grip so he couldn't wiggle free. Then I attempted to jump into his mind. If he couldn't tell me, I thought, I would take the memory by force. It was wrong, but I didn't care. Guilt and despair clouded every aspect of my moral judgement.
I needed to know.
I jumped into Kreacher's mind with so much force it should have knocked him off his feet. But to my surprise, I was the one hurtled back, cognitively and physically. As if I had hit a wall with so much momentum that I was tossed aside.
No! I screamed. And as I scrambled to my knees, I realized what had happened.
Regulus- who knew me better than anyone else- had covered all of the bases. He had told Kreacher not to let me into his mind. He knew once I found out that Kreacher had been ordered not to tell me anything that I would try to read his mind. To view his memories. And he put in a safeguard so that I couldn't.
I let out a piercing sob, and my chest contracted so painfully that I almost felt like I couldn't move.
Kreacher, I begged, crawling to him, tears streaming down my face. "Please just tell me if he is...if he is...gone."
I couldn't bring myself to say the other word. Couldn't even bear to think it. It wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening.
Kreacher let out another piercing wail, and reached out to hand me the scarf he had so desperately clung to.
It seemed to be the only answer he could give. But it was no matter. I knew what had happened without having to be told.
Knew how Regulus had taken that horrific potion. Knew how he had pleaded for my life and the life of our child. Knew how the unquenchable thirst had led him to the waters edge where he had been pulled beneath the surface by infernal white hands.
I gripped the fabric of the scarf, staining it with blood from my own hands where I had cut my palms earlier. I clutched it to my chest, and then to my face. The last memory of a boy who loved so fiercely that he was willing to sacrifice his life.
The blood mixed with my tears. The smell of metal and salt permanently etched into my memory.
'I would burn this world down to keep you from feeling betrayal. To keep you from feeling pain, or grief, or sadness.' He had once promised me. Little did he know that the world he burned down was mine. That the very sacrifice he had made to prevent my pain was the cause of the fiercest agony I have ever felt.
The last bit of hope, of joy, of love that I had was razed to the ground in a matter of hours. And all that was left was the bitter taste of ashes.
I can't even begin to explain the anguish that I felt in that moment. To explain the complete hysteria that gripped me so profoundly. Nothing made sense. It was as if the North Star had fallen from the sky. As if the sun rose in the west and set in the east.
The tears were so thick I could hardly see, could hardly make sense of anything. Sobs tore through me, and I couldn't breathe.
And as I knelt there gasping for air, clutching the last remnant of my husband, something within me broke so violently it was a wonder no one heard its shattering.
Distantly, I could hear the grandfather clock chiming midnight, ushering in the New Year with death and tragedy.