"Lord, I don't know what to do anymore. I love Aaron so much but I don't want to hurt Drei. I am not worthy of his love and I know that I never will be. He's been such a good friend and I don't want to lose him. Please, Lord, save him from this and I promise that I'll do the right thing. Even if it will hurt me. Drei deserves a far more better life than the life I'm giving him. He deserves to be loved and not to be left. Let him live." Bumagsak ang mga luha ko habang nakatingin sa altar kung sa'n may rebulto ng Panginoon.
"Maybe Aaron's not the right one for me. I've loved Drei before and maybe I'll learn to love him again. Maybe Aaron's just a reminder that there are things in this world that we can't have even if our hearts yearn for it so much. I love him."
Nanginig ang mga balikat ko at tuluyan na akong napahagulgol. I hate being in crossroads. I hate having to choose because I know that I lack good judgement and I tend to make wrong decisions. But now I am forced to face one.
But can't I love and be loved at the same time?
"Lord, I'm begging you. Spare him and I promise that I'll do the right thing."Nag-sign of the cross ako at yumuko sa altar bago tuluyang umalis sa hospital chapel.
Hindi pa nagigising si Drei. Kanina ay lalong bumagal ang heartbeat niya kaya kinabahan ako.
Naglakad ako pabalik sa kuwarto niya at nakita kong nakaupo si Aaron sa labas. Nakahilig ang ulo niya sa pader habang tulala siya sa kisame. Napalingon siya at nakita ko ang pag-aalala sa mga mata niya. Nanakit ang puso ko nang tingnan ko ang mukha niya. Nagbawi nalang ako ng tingin at nilagpasan siya.
Pipihitin ko na sana pabukas ang pinto ng kuwarto ni Drei nang maramdaman ko ang paghawak niya sa braso ko.Bigla niya akong niyakap at pinigilan ko ang sarili kong yakapin siya pabalik.
"Drei will be okay soon. He's a tough man," he mumbled encouragements.Nanghihinang napatango nalang ako bago ko siya marahang tinulak.
"Pasok lang ako. Bantayan ko siya," bulong ko.Hindi niya pa rin binibitiwan ang kamay ko. Ginawaran niya ako ng halik sa noo. "Mahal na mahal kita. Remember that."
Nakatakas ang isang luha sa mata ko at agad ko 'yong pinunasan nang hindi niya na makita pa. Muli lang akong tumango bago humiwalay at pumasok sa loob.I pulled a monoblock and dragged it beside Drei's bed. The violet color of his fingers was subsiding.
I took his hand. "Hoy Raven Andrei. Ninenerbiyos na ako. Gumising ka na riyan. The doctor said you were in bad condition but you're doing better. Please heal fast."
They said that talking to the patient even if he or she is unconscious is good. I clasped his hand tighter.
"Sorry ha. Wala na akong ibang ginawa kundi saktan ka. Alam mo, hindi ko nga deserve 'yang pagmamahal mo, e. You're too good, too nice to fall for someone as messed up as I am. Naging makasarili ako."
The machine he was connected to beeped.
"Gising ka na Drei."
Bibitiwan ko na sana ang kamay niya nang gumalaw ito. Gulat na napatingin ako sa kanya at unti-unti siyang nagmulat ng mga mata.
His eyes bore down on me. "C-cassidy..." His voice was hoarse.
I was panicking when I pressed the buzzer. A doctor and a nurse rushed inside to examine him. Tumalikod ako para lumabas pero muli niyang tinawag ang pangalan ko. Nahihirapang nilingon ko siya. His arm was outstretched and I knew that the movement exhausted him.
"N-ne laissez pas..." (Don't leave.)
My heart sank to the depths. "I won't. Sa labas lang ako. May aayusin lang. Tapos babalik na 'ko sayo."
Lumabas ako agad at halos magkabungguan pa kami ni Aaron dahil papasok sana siya sa loob. Hinila ko siya papunta sa dulo ng hallway para makapag-usap kami.
"I can't do this." It took me all the amount of courage I have in my body to say those words without stuttering.
"Can't do what?" patay-malisya niyang tanong.
I looked at him straight in the eyes. "I can't hurt Drei."That's when I saw his expression change. Napasapo siya sa ulo niya habang nakatingin .
"At ako, kaya mong saktan ha, Cassidy?"Mabilis akong umiling-iling. Nasisilaw ako sa sakit na nakita ko sa mga mata niya. Alam kong alam niya kung saan patungo ang usapang ito.
"Aaron, please try to understand. I don't want Drei to die." Halos nakikiusap na ang tono ko.
"He is not gonna die. Maayos na 'yong lagay niya, Cassidy!"
"He almost died, Aaron. I can't risk it," mahinang sambit ko.
Napasapak siya sa pader. I cringed. I felt hurt and angry at nothing in particular. Ang alam ko lang ay kailangan ko nang gawin ang tama sa pagkakataong ito.
"Kailangan ko rin bang mapunta sa kalagayan niya, Cassidy? Do I need to have a near death experience for you to value me?"
Nakita kong sumilay na ang mga luha sa mga mata niya. Everything was too intense that I was left speechless.
"Ano? Kailangan ba? Kung ganoon din lang naman pala, e, 'di sige! Ngayon din ay magpapasagasa ako!"
He stormed in the hallway but I tugged at his arm. Nurses were looking at us but I was too hurt to give a damn.
"Stop this madness!"
Pumiksi siya sa hawak ko at kitang-kita ko ang mapula niyang mukha. "No, Cassidy! You stop this! Stop playing with my feelings! One minute you love me then the next you want out?"
"Mali ito, Aaron! Hindi mo ba nakikita? This kind of love is wrong!"
Napahilamos siya ng mukha at puno ng sakit ang mga mata niya nang tingnan niya ako. I let go of his arms. It hurts to see him hurting but what can I do?
Naningkit ang mga mata niya. "Fuck your stupid logic! Everyone who falls inlove gets hurt! Lahat nasasaktan. Lahat naapakan. Walang nagmamahal na hindi nakakaranas no'n! Drei knows that! Wala tayong magagawa because that's the rule of love. If you've never been hurt, then you've never loved! Pain is inevitable! Laging may maapakan and we can't do anything about it!"
"Don't be so immature," nanghihina kong saad.
Nagtataas-baba na ang dibdib niya at hindi ko alam kung dahil ba ito sa galit o sa sakit na pinadadama ko sa kanya ngayon.
"Falling in love makes people immature, Cassidy."
I ran out of words. I ran out of witty comebacks. I just listened to his heavy breathing.
He continued speaking. "Madaya ka maglaro, Cassidy. I thought we were better than this. I thought we could handle anything. But you're giving me up, just like that. Just. Like. That. You are so damn unfair and I hate it! You make me feel like I'm worthless. Like I'm some disposable piece of trash you can easily get rid of."
His voice broke and I saw a tear escape his eye. He quickly wiped it.
"Akala ko okay lang na ako 'yong lumalaban para sa 'ting dalawa. Pero hindi pala. I now realized that in love, you should not only fight. You should also be fought for. Why is it so easy for you to just throw everything away?"
My knees buckled and I felt the wounds his words were creating. His words acted like knives. It cut and it stabbed and I bled.
"You mean everything to me and you know that," tanging nasabi ko.
"If you really love me, then you wouldn't do this. Kung natutuwa ka dahil nasasaktan ako, then kudos! Job well done. If you did this for revenge, to get back at me, to make me feel the pain I inflicted on you, then congratulations again. Mission successful." Bumagsak na 'yong mga luha 'nya, pero mabilis niya itong pinunasan.
"Aaron s-sorry—" Naramdaman ko ang pag-iinit ng gilid ng mga mata ko pero pinigilan ko ito.
Mapait niya akong tiningnan. Namumula na ang mga mata niya.
"Sorry? Wala namang magagawa yan, e. I saw you as a princess, you know? I wanted to save you from your lonely tower. I was willing to cross oceans and kill dragons for you but then you chose someone else. I was just some random knight in your story. I was no prince." puno ng sakit niyang sabi.
Natututop ko ang bibig ko para pigilan ang paghagulgol.
"I love you so much that it's killing me. Wala nang natira sa akin. Puro sa 'yo nalang napunta. Kaya ngayon, hindi ko na alam kung paano. Mahal na mahal kita pero ang sakit-sakit na."
My lips quivered and I looked away. I couldn't meet his stare. Hindi ko kaya dahil nasasaktan ako sa sakit na nakikita ko sa mga mata niya.
"We will never be truly happy if we continue this," Nnakayuko kong sambit.
"Kung 'yan ang gusto mo, then wala na akong magagawa. 'Wag kang mag-alala. Hindi ko pababayaan ang kambal. Mahal ko ang mga anak ko."
Naluluha na ako kaya nag-iwas ako ng tingin.He too was starting to tear up again so he raised his head to prevent the tears from falling.
He laughed sarcastically. "I never thought loving you could be this hard."
Nang magbaba siya ng tingin ay bumagsak parin ang luha niya. He harshly wiped it and said, "Fine. If this is what you want, then so be it. I'm letting go. I'm dropping the sword down. You've won this battle."
He gave me a cold stare. "I guess this is the end."
After saying that, he quickly walked out. I watched his retreating back. Each step he's taking is breaking my heart in half. My shoulders droop and my body shook.
Why does the right thing feel so wrong?
�@靱��