When I wake up Alannah was still fast to sleep. I kiss her forehead and keep cuddling her.
Its the simple moments like this you miss when your trapped away from your child.
I didn't sleep well but I didn't mind as it was nice to watch Alannah sleep peacefully.
It still hurts me so much that Jax could accuse me of such things. But I cried about it for six days when Jax had me trapped away. As of right now I can't break anymore. Alannah cannot see me cry, I don't want her to think theres something wrong. So I need to act strong for me and like they say 'fake it till you make it right'.
When Alannah wakes up we head downstairs as she complains she's hungry. We head into the dinning room but it was empty. I pick Alannah up and we head into the kitchen where Nicole and David were stood in silence drinking coffee.
"Good morning." I say smiling slightly at them.
"Uh morning sweetheart. I uh haven't made anything today. So theres cereal or toast or I can make you something if you want." Nicole asks and I shake my head.
"We'll be fine with cereal." I say grabbing the cereal and some bowls out.
I fill up Alannah's and then put a spoon in the bowl and give it to her. I help her eat some then eat some of my own.
"What times will James be here?" I ask and Nicole looks over to David.
"He doesn't land till tonight." David says and I nod.
"So I have to wait till tomorrow to see James?" Alannah asks sounding devastated. She climbs into my lap whilst I eat some cereal.
"Unfortunately kiddo." David says and she sighs.
"At least I have mommy now." She says and I nod and lean down to kiss her.
My baby.
After breakfast Alannah wouldn't stay with Nicole and David she wanted to be at my side the whole time.
So I had to close the lid on the toilet and give Alannah some toys to play with whilst I showered.
Once I got out of the shower, I blow dry my hair. I then straighten my hair in attempt to make me feel better. I get dressed in to some grey joggers and a black tank top.
Once I was dressed I take Alannah back into the bathroom where I wash her face and brush her teeth.
I take her back into our room and choose out a yellow dress and some black tights.
"Beautiful." I say kissing her cheek. I sit her on my desk whilst I quickly make the bed.
Once we were done in my bedroom we went downstairs into the living room, where David and Nicole were.
"Do you have a specific film you want to watch?" David asks and I look at Alannah.
"Frozen." She squeals and I smile at her and kiss her cheek.
After we watch Frozen I sat Alannah in my lap as I played with her hair. She was playing with some of her doc mcstuffins toys.
I ended up braiding her hair as she needed to wash it. But I wasn't going to wash it till tomorrow, because I didn't want to screw up our routine anymore.
I felt a bit lost with out my phone. It's still in my car which is probably still at my mom's house. I never asked what happened to my mom and I can't act like I don't care because I do.
My mom was still a good mom to me and I love her, shes my mom. But I can't look at her the same and everytime I look down at Alannah it breaks my heart.
She doesn't deserve what shes been through. She deserves the whole world which is a lot more then I can give her. But I'll always try my hardest to give her as much as she wants and needs because I'm her mom. What else do you expect.
After lunch we were all still sat in the living room when Alannah fell asleep watching Doc mcstuffins.
"You know Lara honey. You can talk to us. You're like a daughter to us. No scrap that, you are our daughter and I don't like seeing you in this amount of pain." David says.
"Thanks, but I don't want to talk about it." I say and they nod, respecting my decision.
After we had dinner we watched Elf before I took Alannah up to bed.
I ran Alannah a bubble bath and washed her down. "Mama, why didn't Jax come over today? I miss him." She says. Ouch a stab in the chest. I take a deep breath before putting some bubbles on my face.
Alannah laughs at the Santa beard of bubbles I have on my chin and quickly wipes them off.
I look down at my knees and take a deep breath.
"Me and Jax broke up baby." I say to Alannah and she starts crying.
I quickly get a towel and help her out of the bath. She lies in my arms whilst crying. I stroke her back and hug her back.
"I miss him." She says softly into my shoulder.
"Me too." I whisper before kissing her temple.
I get Alannah into her pyjamas and lie next to her in bed. I turn the main light of and then the lamp on. I lie beside her on my side.
"I love you lots and lots." I say kissing her.
"I love you to Mama. Please don't leave me ever again." She says and I nod.
"Never again" I promise and watch as her eyes flutter closer and she falls to sleep.
The one thing I didn't want to happen was for Alannah to get attached. But she did and now our break up doesn't only affect me. But Alannah as well. I doubt Jax has a care in the world right now that he's hurt both of us.
Once Alannah was asleep I kiss her forehead and climb out of bed. I head into the guest room where I look around at mine and Jax's things.
This was our room. I sit at the foot of the bed holding one of Jax's shirts as I start to cry.
I quickly wipe away my tears and sit them on the bed before heading down to the living room.
"Where is she?" I heard James say to his mom who was bringing me some herbal tea.
He follows his mom into the living room where I stand up and hug him.
"I'm gonna kill him." He says but I didn't find it funny.
I know he wanted to seriously hurt Jax for this, it was no secret. Hell I'm sure Jax knew. But now standing here in the arms of my best friend, I broke down.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" He asks as I take a sip of my tea.
"I would rather not." I say playing with my mug.
"We're gonna head up to bed. Leave you two alone." Nicole says and we nod and say goodbye.
Nicole gives my shoulder a soft squeeze before kissing my cheek then heading upstairs.
We sit in silence for a while whilst I drink my tea. "Come on." James says grabbing my phone and taking me into the back yard.
"What are we doing?" I ask as he turns on the garden fairy lights. He puts a song on and when I realise the song I look up at him.
When it would be training season for James we would dance instead of eat ice cream when one of us were sad. It was mainly more me than him but there were times were he was sad too.
He puts his arms around my waist. My head stays on his chest as I move my hands up to his shoulders and keep them there as we swayed.
"You know. The first time we did this, you finally opened up to me properly." James says swaying us back and forth. True.
The familiar warmth of James arms is what makes me cry. The feeling of finally being home after a long time. I believe me and James are soul mates, but in a platonic way. I'm so grateful for everything he's done for me and I don't thank him enough.
I cry and cry and cry for song after song after song in James arms as we sway.
"What happened Lara?" James asks and I take a deep breath before pulling away.
I move to sit on the porch in the back garden and he holds my hand for reassurance.
I tell James everything from going to get my Laptop to him dropping me back home.
"I'm gonna kill him." James says and I put my arm on his shoulder.
"I just don't understand. Then on top of that my dads coming to get us after Christmas and I don't know what to do." I say and James sighs.
"You know, we can sue him. Get a restraining order. Just to make sure he stays away." James says and I sigh.
"Its not worth it." I say shrugging.
"It is worth it Lara. Don't ever think it isn't. You should never have to see him again." He says and I scoff.
" I just think I'm gonna punch him." James admits and I roll my eyes playfully.
"He never deserved you. You have the most kindest heart and he is horrible in every way imaginable. He put on an act when he was around you and that was wrong. He can't accuse you of being in the wrong when he let you fall in love with a fake version of himself." James says and I nod.
"It hurts." I admit and he nods.
I meet his eyes and that's when I notice his eyes are glassy.
"I'm sorry." He apologises and I shake my head.
"You didn't do anything wrong." I tell him.
"He never should've treated you like that. All those men." He stops and breaks eye contact to look away. He wipes his eyes on his shoulder before turning back to me.
"I'm so sorry you went through that." He says.
I look up at James and cup his cheek in my hand.
"It's not your fault. It's not my fault. It's his fault." I tell him whilst wiping his tears.
Was it that bad if James is sat in front of me crying about the situation?
He kisses my temple before pulling me into a hug and apologising a million times more.
James and I spoke for a while about everything that happened. I cried some more but that's because I hurt, physically and mentally.