There was no sign of Tin when practice ended, and they all trooped down into the changing rooms so Can took his time showering. Standing under the hot water with his eyes closed after practice felt like the only solitude he got even though there could be ten other guys in the communal shower with him, they weren't there demanding his time and energy. He didn't have much left to give. Correction, he had nothing left to give, he was running on empty.
When the water started to run cold he finally turned the shower off, grabbed his towel and headed for the changing room. Everyone had left except No who was sitting fully dressed on one of the benches staring blankly ahead.
Can dried himself off and started to pull on his clothes. "No, you alright?"
His senior did not respond. Can did up his shirt without bothering to tuck it in. Grabbing his shoes, he sat down next to No to pull them on. He gently elbowed him. "No?"
Finally, No seemed to notice he was there, turning cloudy eyes on Can. "Sorry, little monkey. Is something wrong?"
"I should be the one asking you that. You were totally zoned out."
No scratched the back of his head. "I've just got a few things on my mind that's all." He searched Can's face. "How about you?"
Can shrugged. "I'm fine." It wasn't a total lie. He was coping, wasn't he? There was a lot to be thankful for.
"Okay, I'll buy that for now," No said in a voice that made it clear he didn't believe it at all. He stood up and Can followed. "I'll always be here if you want to talk. I'm your senior, I need to take care of my junior."
Can nodded and No pulled him into a hug.
"Am I interrupting something?"
Can pulled out of the hug and found Tin in the doorway wearing his all too familiar ice-cold expression.
No snorted. "I'll see you tomorrow, Can," he said as he patted Can on the shoulder and left. Tin's attention did not divert from Can even as No passed him.
Can walked nearer to Tin, ignoring the discomfort of being on the receiving end of Tin's disdain. "Thanks for having Ren. I can take her now."
"It's raining," Tin said, arm going around Ren, who was safe in the sling, as if to protect her from Can. "I'll drop you home."
"It's fine, we can get the bus. Ren can't travel in a car without a seat."
"I bought a seat yesterday, they fitted it at the store."
Can's eyes widened in surprise. How could Tin look at him with such contempt ninety percent of the time then go and do something like this? You know what though? Can was tired. Waiting in the rain for the bus with a baby that would need feeding very soon was not an appealing prospect. At all. "Where are you parked?"
The seat Tin had had installed was a top of the range rear-facing one and next to it was a mirror that would enable the driver of the car to see the baby in the rear-view mirror. Seeing it made Can's heart crack a little. If Tin could be this caring about a baby that had nothing to do with him, imagine he he had a child of his own? Tin would make a great father one day and his chosen partner would be the luckiest person alive. Tin had had such an awful time with his own family that Can had no doubt that when he finally fell in love, he would give that person his everything and would shower his children with the love he never had.
"Are you going to buckle your seatbelt, or do I have to do it?"
"What? Right, sorry." Can reached for the seatbelt and buckled himself in. Tin started the car and Can turned his attention outside the window.
Next thing he knew was when he woke up in his bed in his room. Someone had loosened his shirt buttons and taken off his shoes, but he was otherwise fully dressed. The time on his phone said it was three o'clock in the morning! What the hell? Ren was sleeping her nest next to the bed wearing a completely different outfit to the one she had been dressed in when Tin had strapped her into the car.
He got up to pee and clean his teeth then climbed back onto the bed, sitting so he could watch Ren sleep in the half light. He was immediately overcome with an intense feeling of dread. How was he supposed to do this? He was solely responsible for a life that was not his own. He had not expected it, had had no time to prepare for it. He wasn't ready. How could he keep Ren alive when he could barely take care of himself half of the time? He was eighteen-years-old for fuck's sake. How was he supposed to raise a child and not fuck the kid up in the process? He did not have a 'mother's instinct', he barely had a clue. It was all too much...he couldn't breathe! His chest hurt.
He barely registered the door opening and someone coming in and sitting next to him, taking his hand. "Can—you're having a panic attack. Take a deep breath." Can did as he was told, recognising Ley's voice. "Back out again." Can exhaled. The voice coaxed him into a steady breathing rhythm and finally, after what felt like hours, his chest stopped hurting and he could breathe again.
"Sorry, Ley," he muttered, wiping the tears off his cheeks. "You probably don't get much sleep with us next door."
"Don't mind that. I'd be a shitty sister and aunt if I got annoyed about that," she said, patting his knee. "You know, I'm proud of you, Can. You're doing an amazing job with her."
"What if I screw up? She's so tiny." He brushed away more tears.
"It's normal to make mistakes, just learn from them and you'll be fine. I'll always help when I can, Ma too. This is bound to be the hardest part, right? Babies don't stay this tiny forever."
Can sniffed and squeezed his sister's hand. "Thanks."
"So... About earlier... Why did Tin carry you in from the car bridal style?"
"I— He what? "
"He brought Ren in then went back to the car and came in carrying you. He instructed me and Ma to let you sleep, said you were exhausted. When he left Ma got upset saying she should've paid more attention to how you were coping."
"Tin upset Ma?"
Ley sighed. "That's what you're taking from this? Don't get mad at him, he was just looking out for you." She stood and kissed Can's forehead. "Now go back to sleep. I'll sort Ren out when she wakes up."
Can watched as she left the room then flopped back onto the bed. Bridal style? He groaned. How embarrassing.
:::::
Can woke up after his second stretch at about nine the next morning. He'd been disturbed again about four when Ren had woken but true to her word Ley had sorted her out and when he'd woken again around seven either Ley or his mum had taken her out of the room and she hadn't been returned.
He took a shower and went downstairs to grab some breakfast. His mother was sitting on the sofa and Ren was on the play mat at her feet on her tummy playing with some teething rings. Can knelt and kissed the baby then sat down beside his mother and gave her a hug.
Ruffling his hair, she said, "Don't worry about Ren today, it's Saturday so I don't have to work, I'll take care of her. Go out with Tin or one of your other friends."
"Tin is not my friend."
"What do you have against him? That boy obviously cares about you a lot."
"He's a good actor, Mum." Tin could fool anyone when he put his mind to it. He could turn on the charm and bend people to his will. "What's for breakfast?"
As he ate his breakfast at the table by himself he Can sent Tin a text, 'thanks for yesterday 😊' then decided he would get the bus into Siam and get the shoes he really needed and they maybe he'd see if Good wanted to see a movie or even go by himself. He needed a distraction from his thoughts somewhere that he could also easily nap if he got tired.
He was on the bus when his phone rang. It was Tin. He let it go for a few rings before deciding to take the call.
"Hello, Tin."
"Where are you?"
Puzzled, Can said, "On the bus."
"Tell me where and get off at the next stop."
"Tin, what—"
"Where?"
"Why?"
"We need to talk." Can recalled the last time Tin had said something like that. It had not gone well. Just to find a quiet place to talk. "Please, Can."
"I'll get off by the temple in about five minutes."
"Wait for me there." Tin hung up.
"What the hell does he want?" Can said to himself, ignoring the heads that turned to look at him. What did they have left to talk about? "Why didn't I just say no? Aaaaaah!"
What if Tin had still wanted to be boyfriends? What would he do if Tin asked him again? He would say yes, that was what he would do. If Tin still wanted him now that he came as part of a package with another tiny human, then he had to be serious about it...and Can loved him. He could recognise that now, could admit it to himself. All those jumbled up feelings had righted themselves and he was embarrassed he had failed to realise it sooner.
He alighted the bus by the temple and sat down on the wall outside to wait for Tin. While he waited, he messaged his mum to check that Ren was okay and received a swift reply, 'she's fine, did you forget I raised you and your sister? stop worrying and have a good day'. "Yeah and look how I turned out," he grumbled to himself. "Single teenage father."
Tin pulled up in his car ten minutes later and rolled down the window but Can had already recognised the car. He climbed into the passenger seat and said, "Where are we going?"
"To get something to eat." Tin pulled the car back into traffic. "Do you want to go to the place we went before or somewhere else?"
"Mexican?" Can suggested hopefully. He had a hankering for some guac.
"Okay, I know a place." Tin indicated a left turn and Can watched him for a while, taking in his appearance. Tin was wearing skinny jeans and a tight black t-shirt with something written on it in English. He looked so different in casual clothes, less uptight and somehow more approachable. He looked fucking amazing and Can's palms itched. Can swallowed thickly and turned his attention to the dashboard instead. Do not even go there. Do. Not. Go. There.
After a couple of minutes Tin asked, "Where's Ren?"
"Mum's looking after her today. Probably because you made her feel guilty last night."
"About that—"
"Thanks for looking out for me." Can glanced back in Tin's direction. "I got some good sleep last night."
Tin looked sideways at him briefly before turning his attention back to the road. "You needed it. You went out like a candle in a hurricane."
Tin pulled the car into a car park. Can had taken no notice of where they were going so he followed Tin out of the car towards a riverside seating area next to a restaurant named 'Corazón'. Tin sat down at a table for two at the edge to the outside dining area. There were a few other pairs already seated nearby.
They sat looking at one another awkwardly. A middle-aged man came over to bring them menus and took a drink order. When he had gone Can desperately tried to think of something to say to break the tension and came up with, "Have you heard from Pete?"
"Just a couple of texts. He's going to be away longer than he thought."
"Ae must be going out of his mind. Those two are never apart these days." He watched Tin closely for signs that he was jealous but saw nothing. It didn't mean he wasn't; Tin could be a master of deception after all.
"He'll survive," Tin said. "Pete loves him back and he knows it."
"Tin—"
He was interrupted by the waiter. "Are you ready to order?"
They ordered and after a minute of awkward silence Can said, "Talk then."
Their eyes met and Can could see the uncertainty melt the ice. "I owe you an apology, Can. I was selfish and hasty. I—" He reached for Can's hand but then appeared to realise what he was doing and picked up his drink instead. He took a sip, put it back down and said, "I'm just asking for another chance. As friends, like you wanted."
Can had been holding his breath, hoping Tin would renew his confession. Stupid stupid Can. "Friends," he whispered, gaze unwavering on Tin.
"I took your rejection as a betrayal of my trust, but I understand now that it wasn't that. You couldn't help it if you didn't feel the same way." Tin took another drink from his glass. "I just want you in my life, Can. I could use a friend."
Can gathered himself, biting back the words that were trying to escape, glad that he had learned some control since becoming a parent. He was now the one hoping for more and Tin was asking for friendship. Time, he thought to himself, the love he had for Tin would eventually fade if he kept away from him. Yet, he could not do it to Tin. He could not reject him again even if friendship was all that was on offer.
Can needed Tin to be okay.
Can needed to let go of the fantasy and see Tin be happy, and the start of that was to be in his corner.
"Say something, please."
Can nodded his head. "Okay. Friends."