Maaga akong nagising dahil sa tawag ni Carly. Kailangan ko raw pumasok nang maaga and since I'm a lazy morning person, kailangan niya raw akong tawagan para mabilis ang kilos ko. Ugh! It's just six in the morning!
Nang makarating ako sa office ay mayroon na agad kaming client. Nakatalikod siya sa'kin ngunit familiar ang ayos ng kanyang buhok. Si Carl naman ay hindi mapakali, halatang kinakabahan. Anong meron?
The woman slowly turned around to face me. Nakangiti ito ngunit bakas sa mukha nito ang lungkot, ni hindi nga umabot sa mata niya ang ngiting ibinigay niya sa'kin.
"Good morning, Miss Salazar," bati niya. Napako ako sa kinatatayuan ko at hindi pa rin makasagot.
"Sit, Flame," seryoso ngunit kinakabahang sabi ni Carl.
I thank all the dieties who helped me to move my feet and sit in front of... Queenzel Aira Velasco.
"G-good morning," I greeted, my voice cracked. Bakas pa rin sa'kin ang gulat. Hindi lang kasi ako makapaniwalang nandito siya sa harap ko. How did she know that I work here?
"Calm down. I'm here for business," sabi niya. Kahit gaano kakapal ang make up niya'y hindi nito kayang itago ang malungkot niyang mata. "You're a model, right?"
Tumango lang ako. I didn't know what and how to answer. Come on, Flame. Be professional!
Ngumiti ulit siya bago sumagot. "We'll be having a Fashion Show for a Cause and we want you to be our model."
"Ma'am, when and where po ang event?" tanong ni Carl in behalf of me. He knows when I can't do things on my own.
"Everything's settled, we're just looking for our model. The event will be tomorrow at three, sa Brgy. San Pedro Hall. I think it's fine if late na kami nag-inquire since Steel told me that you're professional naman."
The way she uttered his name, it sounded good for the ears but bad for my heart. Para akong paulit-ulit na pinagsasaksak sa puso.
"I-It's fine, we'll be there," sagot ko.
Nag-thank you siya bago nagpaalam at umalis. Mahigpit pa rin ang kapit ko sa palda ko. Denim skirt 'yon pero sobrang lukot na ng laylayan niya.
"Pwede ka nang huminga girl," said Carl. Napabuga ako ng hanging kanina ko pa pinipigilan. "Okay lang ba talaga sa'yo pumunta ro'n?"
"Business matters," sagot ko habang hawak-hawak pa rin ang dibdib.
"Oo nga, business matters pero 'di ka makahinga. Ang masokista mo girl. Pwede namang tumanggi 'pag 'di na kaya. Pwede namang umayaw e. You don't have to prove yourself to them, Flame."
Minsan lang akong pagsabihan ni Carl pero sobrang totoo ng mga sinabi niya. Madalas kasing support all the way siya, na kahit mahirap, ipupush niya ako kasi siya na lang daw ang naiiwang supporter ko. But this time, I guess I failed him. He seemed so disappointed when I accepted the offer.
"Work lang besh. Kaya 'to. Kakayanin. I can't just run away forever, 'di ba? Maliit ang mundo, magkikita at magkikita pa rin naman kami so ba't kelangan pang patagalin?"
"Ewan ko sa'yo. Nastress ako. Sige na, you go home and rest for tomorrow. Ingat ka, boba ka pa naman," sabi niya bago ako yakapin.
Carl and I never said 'I love you' to each other. Lagi kaming nagbabangayan to the point na parang mas bestfriends pa kami ni Diesel dahil sa bait niya sa'kin. Pero siguro, gano'n talaga. Carl's good in actions. Kahit na hindi niya sabihin, I know how much he loves me.
——
Maaga kaming nakarating ni Carl sa venue. Ala-una pa lang ay nando'n na kaming tatlo nina Diesel. Sumama na siya since wala rin naman daw siyang gagawin today.
Nadatnan namin ang mga batang nagtatakbuhan. Para itong 'yong day care center na pinuntahan din namin no'n where we painted the walls. Nakasuot sila ng white printed shit and green jogging pants.
I spotted Steel feeding Blade. Tawa sila nang tawa. Steel was playing with the spoon, 'yong parang airplane tapos isusubo niya kay Blade. They looked happy together.
"Bruha, ayusan na kita sa likod. Ang mata, 'wag kung saan-saan ang tingin," paalala ni Carl.
We walked to a vacant room behind the stage. Nakayuko lang ako habang naglalakad, ni hindi ko nga alam kung napansin niya ako o masyado siyang focused sa anak niya.
Simple lang ang ayos ko. Make up and curly hair tapos mga gowns from recycled materials ang pinasuot sa'kin.
"You look so stunning. Ang ganda mo!" said Carly at may papalakpak pa.
"Tse, magtigil. Dati na akong maganda but thanks anyway," sagot ko.
Nagtawanan lang kami at si Diesel naman ay umiling lang pero napangiti rin. Natigil lang kami sa pagtatawanan nang dumating si Queenzel at tinawag ako.
"Ready? We'll begin in five minutes," sabi niya bago ngumiti at tumalikod.
"Tss, epal forever," masungit na bulong ni Carly.
The event started with an intermission number from the kids. Hindi na ako sumilip pa since nag-video naman si Diesel for us.
"And now, let's welcome, Flame Salazar!" Rinig ko ang cheer nina Carl at Diesel. Pati ang mga bata'y pumalakpak din. And because I already established a name in modelling, medyo marami rin ang photographers na nandito.
I walked on the runway like it was made for me. The stage is my palace and I am the queen. Char! Gano'n kasi ang feeling ko everytime nagmomodel ako.
Nang matapos ang event at hinintay muna ako nina Carly na matapos magbihis. I let them roam around for a while, baka gusto nilang magpicture o makipagkwentuhan sa mga bata. Mag-isa lang naman ako sa room kaya mabilis akong nakapagbihis. I was about to go out when someone entered.
"Can we talk?" he asked.
Nanatili akong nakatayo. Hindi rin naman siya humakbang palapit. I was just staring at him like he was the most handsome Greek god statue. Masyado siyang perfect na halos lahat ng features niya ay walang makikitang flaws.
"Five minutes, just hear me out. Please," sabi niya no'ng hindi pa rin ako sumasagot.
He stepped closer pero kahit anong pangungumbinsi ko sa sarili kong umalis, hindi gumalaw ang mga paa ko. I was like a statue stuck staring at him.
"Rara and I aren't lovers, we never were."
Hindi lovers pero may anak? Ano 'yon, nagmeet lang sila tapos charan, may baby na? Nabuntis gamit ang mata?
"I was drunk. That was my mom's sixth death anniversary. I was so helpless because I still haven't finished my formula. It's been six years pero wala pa rin. I went to a club and got drunk, that's where I met her. She's a waitress there. You know, alcohols, a man and a woman..."
Tumulo ang luha niya habang unti-unting lumalapit. Hindi pa rin ako makahakbang. Half of me wanted to leave and the other half wanted to listen. Gusto kong marinig ang kwento niya kahit na alam kong wala nang magbabago. It won't change the fact that he already has a son.
"Believe me, I never loved Rara. It was just a one night stand, nothing more. When I woke up, she already left. All I knew that time was her name – Rara. I didn't even know Aira or Queenzel, just the nickname. I never tried to find her because for me, that's just a mistake."
I slapped him hard on his left cheek. Galit ako kasi I felt betrayed pero mas galit ako sa narinig ko. It wasn't a mistake but a choice!
"Ke lasing ka o hindi, ke matino ka o hindi, ang usapan dito, may anak ka na tapos you're calling him a mistake? Tang*na Steel! Never ko inimagine na ganyan ka kababa. Nakipag-sex ka, nasarapan, tapos ang sasabihin mo, pagkakamali lang 'yon? G*go ka na pero mas naging g*go ka pa. I saw you laughing with him, is that what you call mistake?"
Patuloy lang sa pag-agos ang mga luha ko. Wala na akong pakialam kung mukha na akong zombie dahil sa eyeliner ko.
"I'm sorry. I didn't know that I impregnated her. I didn't know that we have a child. She just showed herself last month..."
Last month? That means pagkatapos ng Paris moment namin? Aira showed herself right after Steel proposed?
"I didn't know..." paulit-ulit niyang sabi.
"And if you did? Then what?" I stared at him. Hindi niya alam na may anak na siya kaya siya nagpropose? Kaya niya ako minahal? Kaya niya ako pinakilala sa buong angkan niya? Pa'no kung alam niya? Then he won't love me, gano'n?
"I love you..." bulong niya at akmang hahawakan ang kamay ko pero tinabig ko 'yon at nagsimulang maglakad.
"I know, Steel. I felt it. But your son, he deserves a complete family. You know the feeling of losing a mom, I know how it feels to lose my parents. Please..." sabi ko at hindi napigilan ang sariling humikbi dahil sa sakit na nararamdaman. "Please, let's not make him feel the pain of having an incomplete family."
With that, I left him down on his knees. Nakasalubong ko pa si Aira pero hindi ko na siya pinansin. The sad look on her face proved that she didn't want this to happen. Pero wala na e, it's too late.
Sinalubong ako ng nagtataka ngunit may bahid ng pag-aalalang mukha nina Diesel at Carl. I didn't wait for them to ask, nagtuloy-tuloy lang ako sa paglalakad hanggang sa kotse ni Diesel. Agad naman niya iyong pinatunog para maunlock at makapasok ako.
I cried all night in Carl's arms. Umuwi muna si Diesel para kumuha ng damit nila ni Carl pero babalik din, bibili na rin daw siya ng pagkain.
This pain's too heavy to carry. Gusto ko nang sumuko. Ilang ulit mo ba ako sasaktan, Steel? You always say you love me pero lagi ring ganito. Blade... he's too young and innocent. He's just two years old. Whenever I look at his pictures, lumalambot ako. I have nothing against this kid. Hindi ko kayang saktan siya para sa sarili ko.
Leaving Steel to let Blade experience a happy family was the best decision I've ever made.