It's been a month since that argument.
It's been a month since I left Chrollo without further explanations. Since I pushed him away again since I ran from him.
Sitting in front of the mirror with make-up and all, wearing this tight yet beautiful, elegant white gown, I can see that even if I put on my very beautiful smile, my eyes are shouting my real emotions.
I'm not happy with what situation I am in right now.
I love Illumi, yes, but not romantically. I only see him as a best friend, a brother. I thought that maybe if I stayed longer on his side, I'll fall for him. But as the days pass by, I'm only making it hard for myself.
After a year we shared together, after the incident, we shared so many memories. Believe me or not, I tried to develop feelings for him but the more he shows his energetic, rare side, the more I see him as a brother, not a lover. I'm very sorry. But what can I do? The Zoldycks set up their expectations on me. I faked smiles while talking in front of them, I faked I love yous, I faked my emotions, trying to look like I'm in love with Illumi...
...but I'm not.
I'm scared of what will happen if I back down. That they might hurt Chrollo. My family too, though, are okay with this marriage and all. They couldn't ask for a more perfect man than Illumi for me. He can run such businesses, he's rich, he's an outstanding assassin, he's a fine, young man. Perfect qualities to be my husband.
I know that Illumi can feel my uneasiness. That I'm uncomfortable with all of these things but he can't speak up. He can't oppose his parents. He's in love with me so this is an advantage for him. He tried asking me once about backing down too but...
"What do you think about backing down?"
I looked up to Illumi as he sat beside me. "B-Backing down? On what?"
"On the marriage."
I choked. If I can, I will. Looking at Illumi, I touched his cheek with my shaking hands before giving the most genuine smile I can.
"It's fine. I'm fine with marrying you, Illumi. This is for the best..."
Yes, this is for the best.
I heard a soft knock on the door so I looked up, controlling the tears falling down my eyes. I can't ruin my make-up too, you know?
"Come in."
There, I saw my brother wearing his tuxedo. He looks so damn good. My whole family is back here in the country, canceled all their important meetings and schedules, just for this wedding.
"Are you going to tell me that I'm ugly with this dress?" I joked.
"For the first time, I can say you don't look like a pigeon."
We both laughed at his comment before sitting beside me. We are looking at each other using the mirror only. His hands both on his pockets, leaning on a cabinet beside him.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Huh?" I arched my eyebrows. "Of course, I am."
"Who are we kidding here?" God, he really is my brother. "I knew you aren't-"
"I am happy."
He scoffed. "Stop pretending, will you?"
For the first time, we shared a serious conversation. This is the first time I talked with my brother without his funny remarks or any other side comments about my look, outfit, or whatsoever.
"Look," I faced him. "I can't back down anymore. Can't you see that I'm setting my fairytale aside?"
"Why do you have to? Do you think you're obliged to do this? Why are you pretending to be happy when you're not? It feels like you're not my sister."
Ouch. That part hurts.
"Don't say your vows, Y/N."
"That's so easy for you to say when you're not in my situation."
He rolled his eyes. "Dang it. That's not so you."
This isn't really my usual self, I can tell it myself.
I grabbed the bouquet on the table before practicing my smile. I took a deep breath, planning on how I will carefully walk down the aisle. I'm hoping I won't trip on my own feet. I'm hoping that there will be no defects on my make-up, my hair, my dress. I don't want to hear bad impressions from other people. For once, I want to be perfect. This is a big day for me. I will try to be happy and move on.
My brother clicked his tongue before walking towards the door but before he closed it, he said something again.
"You reap what you sow, Y/N-chan. Pay for the consequences later."
I will. I will pay for it, brother.
The bells started ringing and the organ started playing a very, very beautiful and heart-whelming song. Everyone is excited except for me. From this moment, I'm still thinking about my brother's words. I just can't believe that for once, he will spit out some kind of words of wisdom thingy. I clutched my chest while waiting inside the car.
It's starting. My wedding is starting.
At least, I'll make the best out of it.
When it's time for my turn, I went out of the car before standing at the main door of the church. It slowly opened before me as I looked up and everyone is standing, looking at me, smiling while adoring my looks. I can hear their hushed voices, telling how beautiful and alluring I am. That Illumi and I will make a perfect couple.
My knees are shaking. No, my whole body!
Tears started to fell from my eyes as I saw Illumi waiting for me at the altar. He too is crying as Silva is patting his back. I bit my lip as both of my parents hooked my arms with tears on their eyes too. I can feel my father is holding back, he can't hide it from me.
"If Illumi hurt you, I'll punch him hard in the face."
"I can't wait to have grandchildren."
"Y/N, remember your vows. Don't stutter."
"Say, I do."
Okay, my parents aren't calming down.
When we reached the altar, my mother and father let go of me before Kikyo gave me an immediate and tight hug.
"Take care of my son, Y/N."
I smiled at her. "I will, Kikyo. I promise..."
"Thank you for this, Y/N."
"Don't thank me for this, Silva. It's my pleasure."
We exchanged speeches first before finally, Illumi took a hold of my hand. He's not emotionless anymore. He's happy, very happy to be exact. His grip feels like he doesn't want to let go of me, he just wants to be like this forever. I appreciate him but...
The mass started but my mind is flying elsewhere. I can't hear the gospel properly and I am very disturbed about my surroundings. My heart is breaking every second that passes by, every word that comes out from the priest's mouth. I want to stop the time, I want to run away, I want to look for Chrollo, I want to see him, I want to be on his side, I want to cry and say that I'm taking my words back, that I will not marry Illumi anymore.
Why am I doing this? Why can't I do the things that will really make me happy?
But I can't be selfish.
"Why do you have to? Do you think you're obliged to do this? Why are you pretending to be happy when you're not? It feels like you're not my sister."
What a perfect time to hear my brother's words, right?
"I do..." I heard Illumi say bringing me back to my senses. God, here we are.
The priest smiled at me before looking at his bible. "Do you, Y/N L/N, take-"
I looked at the main entrance, expecting to see Chrollo standing there but he's not. There are no signs of him anywhere that made me cry harder. I just want to see his face again. For the last time.
Why aren't you here? Where are you? Save me, Chrollo.
I thought he's coming back for me. He said he's a thief, he said he can get whatever he wants, whatever he desires but where is him now? Why doesn't he steal me from Illumi? I thought he's a man of words but why don't I see him anywhere?! I'm starting to lose my hope.
Chrollo, I beg you...
Everyone is waiting for my response.
Closing my eyes, I finally realized that this is the end.
"I..."
Finish this, Y/N. Say it!
Looking up, I directly looked at Illumi's eyes, full of hope and love.
"I—"
Right on that very time, we all heard a very loud explosion outside the church causing the ground to shake. The next thing I knew, everyone is screaming and running out of the venue and everything is covered with smoke. I felt Illumi's hand on me but at the same time, someone is holding my other arm. No, someone gripping it. There's smoke that's why I can't clearly see who it was.
Am I getting kidnapped? Really? It feels like I'm on a movie.
A tragic one.
"Y/N, let's run!" It was Illumi.
I was about to agree but I heard a voice coming from my left side, causing my heart to skip a beat again. My tears fell like my eyes are a faucet.
"Yes, she's running. But with me."
"Chro—" Oh my God, it's Chrollo. It's really him!
Before the smoke faded, I can feel Chrollo tugging my arm before taking me away from the scene. We are running away and when I looked at my back, the whole troupe is making a commotion. From a distance, I saw Illumi, standing like a statue, crying. I feel so, so sorry for him. I wasted his love, attention, and appreciation for me.
I'm so sorry, Illumi.
"Y-You came back..." was all I can say.
Chrollo stopped on his tracks so I was forced to stop too. He suddenly slammed his lips into me so I grabbed his neck, begging for more. For a wilder one. My heart is exploding due to pure bliss and excitement. I couldn't ask for more.
He interrupted the connection before looking at me directly in the eyes like he was staring at my soul at the same time.
"I told you I'll get whatever I want and you are not an exception."
I don't care about what will happen after this. I don't care anymore. As long as I'm with Chrollo, I'm fine. We will surpass every challenge that will get in our way. Sorry Illumi, Mom and Dad, this is the only way I can truly make myself happy. Only Chrollo makes me feel this way.
I love him so much.
"Y/N, I love you. I l love you and I will not let anyone take you away from me. I'll steal you again and again and again, remember that."
I'm so glad I met him.
"I'm the only one allowed to touch you, to violate you, to marry you. You're the only one for me, Y/N. No more, no less."
Chrollo! You're so...ugh!
"I love you too, Chrollo! I promise, this time, I will not run away from you anymore!"
"That's all I want to hear from you."
He chuckled before taking my hand again. "You know, our love feels like it was made for movie scenes."
"I can't disagree anymore."
We shared a laugh before we started running again since I bet it's just a matter of time before someone might catch us in this place.
But at least, I can say, my fairytale is finally starting until—
A loud sound woke me up, making me jolt up on my bed. I touched the back of my head, wincing in sudden pain.
I just had a terrible dream yet I can't remember what it was.
Looking at my phone, it's just five in the morning, July 30, 2020.
"A-Are you okay, Y/N? Did something happened?"
My husband weakly stirred from his position, opening his eyes for me. He caressed my back and his face is full of worry.
I smiled at his concern. "Yeah, just had a terrible dream. Don't worry, I'm fine...
...Illumi."
In the end, I married a Zoldyck.
END