EPILOGUE
JAXON'S POINT OF VIEW
Loving and fighting
Accusing, denying
I can't imagine a world with you gone
The joy and the chaos, the demons we're made of
I'd be so lost if you left me alone🎵🎤
It's raining so hard. Good thing I have my jacket with me. I almost forgot that the season's already changing. Napapansin ko lang na madalas ang pag-ulan kada-uwian namin, and because of that, Zane's keep on tagging along with me every after class since he doesn't bring umbrella with him. It kinda irritate me. Hindi ko tuloy masolo si Maxine sa kotse ko. Not that we're doing nasty...I just want some time alone with her dahil nagkakasama lang kami after class. We're both busy so we don't have any time to date. She's a graduating psychology student while I'm on my 2nd year in med school so we both have to study all the time.
"Pre, Strumm's daw mamaya?" My gaze turned to Bryson. I was busy watching the droplets of rain. It's raining so hard as well as the wind so the visibility was kind of blurry.
I looked at Bryson. "I have my exams tomorrow." I answered. I actually have my exams today, tomorrow and the next tomorrow. He sat in front of me, making a face. We're here at the cafeteria for lunch. Bryson's already a graduating student of Political Science.
"Ang KJ, pota." Sagot nito saakin.
It's not that I'm a KJ. Madalas naman akong sumama sa kanila noong Pre-med years ko. It's just that the work loads were too much, and I don't have time to loosen up kahit nakaka-umay na.
"Sasama raw si Max." Zane suddenly appeared in front of us with Declan and Easton. Declan's on his 3rd year of BS Pharmacy, while Zane is already studying for his board exam for Architecture as well as Easton reviewing for his CPA board exam. It was the school itself offers the Review...there are a lots gossips that the school's doing that because they're giving the contents of the 'board exam' so the passing rate would be high.
I raised my eye brow, drinking my nestea. "What?"
"Katatanong ko lang, napilit ko p're. Mukhang siya na 'yung baliw kesa sa mga future patients niya." Zane answered before the four of them laughed. They sat with us, and they started eating as well.
I just sighed, and with no choice left, I agreed coming with them at Strumm's but I'm certain that I'll be bringing my reviewer with me. I'm not at ease letting Maxine go there with my friends. Not that I don't trust them, but I'm worried of Maxine. She's a woman...and my girlfriend.
"Where are you, baby?" I called Maxine after my class. She already informed me coming to Strumm's.
"Baby," Maxine sounded pouting. "We still have a meeting with the orgs. Mauna ka na. Sasabay na lang ako sa friends ko. Is it okay?"
Org meeting. That will take hours. "I could wait-"
"Baby, mauna ka na okay?" she insisted.
"Okay." I sighed and turned of my phone. I'm also not in the mood since I failed my test earlier. Okay na sigurong mauna ako sa bar. I need to loosen up a bit. Sayang iyong effort kong nagpuyat tapos babagsak lang din.
It's still raining, and I don't have my umbrella with me. Mas lalo pa akong nabadtrip. I don't have a choice but to get soaked because of the rain. Nasa entrance na ako ng building namin, and the way to the parking lot from here is an open space. Fuck. It's already 9 in the evening. Kaunti na lang ang estudyante, and most of them were Law students and Meds like me.
"Damn." I whispered running in the middle of the rain. I look stupid since most of the students have their umbrella with them. It was just a luck na maliwanag ang lugar, kaya hindi ako nadadapa sa pagtakbo ko dahil basa na 'rin ang salamin ko. Tsk.
I almost reached the entrance of the parking lot when I saw a familiar face. Hell, my day is already ruined!
Clodoveo.
One of my family's enemy.
I'm aware that he's my school mate and two years ahead of me. My mom and dad reminded me that I should be careful here in school, specially that I have the precious medicine they wanted to get for years. Saakin nila ibinigay 'yon dahil hindi naman ako kasali sa kanila. It would be safer if it's in my care as they say.
Nagpatuloy ako sa pagtakbo hanggang makarating ako sa kotse ko. I parked it beside the tree so hindi masyadong maiinitan kapag katanghaliang tapat iyong kotse ko. Minsan kasi ay nag-oover heat.
I was about to open my car when I heard a gasp. Parang may hinihingal. I also heard food steps from a far and I saw Clodoveo, looking around. I saw him simply pulling the gun out of his waist, pero in fairness, may payong siya ako wala. Tsk.
The it thundered.
I heard a muffled squeal.
Kumunot ang noo ko at dahan dahang naglakad papunta sa likod ng puno. There, I saw a woman, trying to hide herself in the tree. Her eyes were tightly shut, and she looked so nervous.
"What are you-"
She sobbed. Nataranta ako bigla. Her eyes slowly opened, and there, I saw a begging pair of eyes behind the thick glasses and full bangs. Nanginginig ito at mukhang kanina pa siya basa ng ulan. My eyes went down to her books she's hugging. Biology Books, at may nakaipit na papel sa libro niya. I saw a letter 'F'.
Then it reminded me na hindi lang ako ang hindi bumabagsak sa exam.
"P-please..." she begged.
I don't know what she's begging for, but seeing Clodoveo around, gave me a clue.
"Where are you, you bitch?!" nanlaki ang mga mata nito.
"Is it him?" I asked in a low voice.
She nodded.
I heard Clodoveo's footsteps coming nearer so I grabbed the woman's book away from her hands, and tossed it under my car. I removed the woman's eye glasses before I pinned her to the trunk, and I leaned my close to her, leaving a very tiny space between us as I cage both of my arms on her both sides. A smell of something blue berry invaded my nostrils.
Ang tamis naman ng amoy nito.
We literally looked like we're making something horny. That's the easiest way I could think of. Madilim. Gabi. Malamig. Babae siya. Ialaki ako.
I'm sorry, Maxine.
I have to save her.
Whoever she is.
"Babe...faster..." Nilakasan ko ang boses ko para marinig ni Clodoveo. I reached for the woman's pony tail, and untie her hair to cover her face. That's when I noticed Clodoveo's presence few steps away from us.
Sinilip ko siya. "We're busy here." I said as I angled my movement covering the woman's identity.
Clodoveo seem to notice me. Masama itong tumingin saakin bago ako minura. "Fuck you,"
Inggit ka lang.
Tumalikod na 'rin ito kaagad. I felt the woman's body trembling and trying to muffle her cries as I cover her. My gaze followed Clodoveo, until I was sure enough that he's already in the quadrangle of the university. We stayed in that position for minutes, and even my underwear was already wet. I let go of the woman.
"Are you okay?" I asked. We both felt awkward.
Or it's just me?
She nodded her head. Muli niyang isinuot ang salamin pagkatapos kunin sa kamay ko. It's dark so I can't clearly see her face, plus natatakpan na ng mga buhok niya ang mukha niya.
"T-thank you..." That's what she said before pushing me so she could move. She reached for her books under my car, before she started to walk away.
She amazed me.
I want to stop her, but she's in a hurry hiding from Clodoveo. I wanted to asked her name, but she's already gone. I want to know what's wrong. I just know that she's a medical student, with thick eye glasses...and her long hair with full bangs.
I sighed.
Those pair of eyes... why does it bother me?
It took me a long time before I forgot about the woman I met. I don't know but I was unconsciously searching for her every time I'm at the university. It's tough for me since palagi kong kasama ang barkada ko. Somehow, I was distracted, pero marami kasi sa Medical Building iyong naka-bangs ang buhok, and everytime I saw one, I always remember that girl on parking lot.
I want to ask her if she's okay? Kamusta na siya? Anong koneksyon niya kay Clodoveo? I even tried to ask Nancy, since she was taking software Engineer, but she just snapped at me, saying I'm a cheater. Natauhan ako bigla. I have Maxine with me, so why I the fuck am looking for a woman? I just saved her because of instinct since I know how dangerous Clodoveo could be?
So, from then on, I tried to forget about her.
"Doc, gamutin mo nga 'yung pusong sawi ni Bryson!" Declan and Zane laughed out loud as they high five each other. I can't help but to chuckle too. We're celebrating at the Zane's bar since it's my first day in residency tomorrow. I passed the internship and the board exam. Zane inherited the Escapes's from his parents as a gift after he passed the boards dahil iyon ang matagal na niyang gusto, highschool pa lang kami, inuungatan na niya sila tita na makuha itong Escape's na ipangalan sa kaniya and since then, Escape's became our hide out as well as their underground transactions. I'm out of it since I'm still not accepting the position of my father in Ace Lucifers.
"I'm not yet a doctor." I shook my head as I drank straight from the bottle.
Then we heard a mic test sound, so we looked at the stage. The curtains was open, and there's band that seem to be performing this night.
"Daming chicks!" Napangisi si Zane.
Biglang binatukan ni Bryson si Zane. "Ulul, taken na 'yan."
"Ay gago, bebe mo ba 'yon?" Zane's eyes squinted since the whole place was in dim neon lights.
"Fuck you. Doon ka na nga sa opisina mo!" Bryson was irritated all of sudden.
We can't help but to laugh. The performers in front is ready to start their gig, and we stopped our bickers and tried to listen to them. Marami sila. May second voice, and dalawang lead vocal, at isang drummer, at may pianist pa. My eyes settled to the pianist, and I shook my head realizing that it was Bryson's woman.
They did some greetings for the intro, then they started. I was kinda amazed because the piece they played is obviously their own version. I nodded my head unconsciously while drinking when the drummer started to sing along with the vocals.
It was tough.
Pero ang ganda ng boses.
I can't clearly see the drummer, but I know it was woman. May kaboses. The lights around the place were dancing so when the light settled on the drummer, I saw a familiar woman. I've forgot about her for years, but I can still remember her.
She's talented huh.
And I just found myself singing with her.
"I will never let you fall, I'll stand up with you forever...I'll be there for you through it all even if saving you sends me to heaven..."
It was just a bliss. Nakalimutan ko 'rin siya as I became busy with my residency. The hospital was just 15 years old, and my mom told me to choose Mondaragon Hospital. I can help with the people around, at makakatulong para umangat ang Mondaragon, so I did. I'm not aiming for money so I go for it. The experiences were extra ordinary since most of the patients were poor, and their sickness was uncured for so long kaya malala na ang iba, and because of that, the hospital was slowly known...and I was one of the pioneers.
"Dr. Skyler, operating room na raw!" One of the nurses shouted inside our room. I'm resting since sinamahan ko iyong isang senior Doctor mag-ikot sa ward. It was kinda tiring kasi ang daming naka-admit.
"Sure, papunta na." sagot ko at kinuha ang robe ko. There's a nameplate, Dr. Jaxon Alfonso Skyler, MD.
I'm already practicing my specialization for Cardio-thoracic so I have to be in every cardio surgery. Either Minor or Major. I have to learn, and sometimes I have to be inside as an assistant, but when it's crucial, I have to step aside.
I'm on my way to the operating room when I saw a bunch of people on the second floor. Ginagawa kasi iyong hospital para magdagdag ng facilities. The hospital is slowly getting known each month, maybe because the owners are rich and well-known so the growth of the hospital was rapid.
"Oh, nandiyan pala si Ms. Valesquez e..." I heard one of the nurse. It was one of the sponsors in making Mondaragon bigger.
Napatingin tuloy ako sa ibaba, but then I saw someone again that made me stop on my track. Mukhang nagmamadali ito papunta sa mga bisita habang may hawak na papel. Those eye glasses, and her hair became short this time. A small smile formed my lips.
What a small world we have here.
I'm officially working as the Chief of Cardiothoracic surgery. The small we have become smaller when I learned that we're working in the same hospital. To my bad luck, I never got to see her whole face. Tanging iyong mata niya lang ang palatandaan ko na siya iyon, as well as her full bangs. Those almond eyes were really expressive.
We collaborated inside the operating room, for several times. She was the Neurosurgeon Chief, and I'm the Cardiothoracic Chief, pero hanggang doon lang. I never saw her roaming around the hospital, and even in the cafeteria, and when I joined the yearly medical mission, I saw her again but there are a lot of people around her that made me curious. Maybe because she's a Chief.
I never had the chance to talk to her as a co-doctor. I don't have any reason to do so as well since I have a girlfriend. I'm just curious with her connection with Clodoveo. That night was the first time I saw someone so scared of him. She looks so innocent... well, I got to have another close contact with her, when I lost my life.
You locked yourself in the bathroom
Lying on the floor when I break through
I pull you in to feel your heartbeat
Can you hear me screaming "Please don't leave me"🎶
"I won't say that it's okay, but I need to tell you that everything will be fine."
She was crying with me. She was full of blood. She's trembling, but I'll never forget the warmth she gave me when I lost my world. She was there when I had no one with me.
"Jax, galing sa office of the president." Nurse Chin handed me an envelope, knocking on my unit.
I accepted the paper, losing my tie. Katatapos lang ng libing ni Maxine. Umalis din kaagad si Chin. I opened the envelope, and I saw the stamp of the Mondaragon Hospital. I resigned before the burial of Maxine. I can't accept the fact that she's dead already. I'm a freaking doctor! A chief, and I can't even save a single life?
Sa girlfriend ko pa. I just lost my will to live, and every light that surrounds me became dark, and from then on, I started to distanced myself to everyone. Even my parents, my friends, my colleagues, and my own job. I even forget about the girl with bang and thick eye glasses. My curiosity suddenly died down and I just spend my life reliving my memories with Maxine. I just want to disappear. I want to follow Maxine. I just...it hurts so much. Parang may nakadagan sa dibdib ko at hinding hindi maalis 'yon hanggang hindi ko nakikitang buhay si Maxine.
I need her.
I read the letter, and it was a personal letter from the office of the president. I read the letter, expecting them to decline my resignation letter, but to my surprise, it was approved, and I'll get every benefit that I deserve. Wala na akong pakialam don. I just want to leave.
Then I saw a note below,
I respect and I understand your decision. My condolences, Dr. Skyler. Your scalpel will be always waiting for you to come back to us.
-Ms. Mondaragon
For the entire time that I lost myself, the president understands my reason of leaving instead of my friends and family.
"Does it hurt that much, Jaxon Alfonso?"
It took my years to at least call myself surviving, but whenever Maxine's death anniversary would come and her birthday, it feels like I'm on starting line again. Pakiramdam ko, paulit ulit akong nadadapa at mas lumalalim ang pagsisid ko sa kadiliman ng dagat.
"Let me take away the pain, for a moment, Jaxon Alfonso."
I was to drunk. I'm in pain, and I don't care anymore about the surroundings, and all I care about is anyone who could take away the pain from me. I can't take it anymore. I can't barely breathe. My tears just wouldn't fall so when I heard that, I grabbed the opportunity.
Warm lips touched against mine, and all I can do was to sigh in relief.
And as if I was revived.
My heart pounded after a long time.
The pain was gone.
I was thankful that moment. I feel alive once again.
And that's where it all started.
Maybe this is the sign I'm asking for.
"You raped me!" Nanlaki ang mga mata ko, not because of what she said, but because of the blanket fell on the floor, and I saw her long legs. I was celibated for years, and I don't know...I feel like I'm having a morning erection.
I don't even know her. I just woke up, with only boxers, and unknown woman beside me. This is just too much for drinking yesterday!
Fuck.
"Tapos ikaw pa ang walang hiyang magtatanong na para bang ikaw ang na-rape?!" She whined like an insane woman. I don't want to believe her, but we're in the same bed, and I can't remember a thing about last night so I was doubtful of the truth, but hell, it's like she's playing with me.
"I will sue you for raping my heart!" dinuro niya pa ako.
And I swear to God, I just want to leave, because if I'm not gonna leave, baka masakal ko na siya. I looked for my clothes, and she was too generous to give me my new washed clothes as if I know her. Pinipilit ko pa ring alalahanin kung anong nangyari kagabi. We exchanged bickers, until I just realized that I was intimidated by her stare.
She's familiar.
Those pair of almond eyes. They were expressive, and penetrating my soul. Hindi ko lang maalala kung saan at kailan o kanino.
I took a step back when she touched my shoulder. Parang mas lalo akong tinayuan. Damn it.
"Well...I am the girl... Who's incapable of leaving you there...alone and in pain." I scoffed.
Pain is an understatement.
Akala ko iyon na ang huli. There's just a small world around us, and we keep on bumping with each other. I don't know if fate's just playing with me, or what...but I saw her walking in the side of the road, with her earplugs on, and singing with it silently. She looked so stupid.
Hindi niya ba alam na may nagbabarilan na sa paligid niya?
Damn Easton. Tanga tanga kasi ang hayop e.
I covered her eyes as I pulled the trigger.
"Can I ask what's your name again?" I asked her. I can't clearly remember her name. I was just used to call her DJ in my mind because that's how I met her. It's unique.
"H-huh?"
"Your name." I glared at her.
"Macey...M-macey Andrella." She answered shuttering.
"Well, Macey..." I said. The next time I will see you wearing earplugs in the middle of the road, you will hear an unforgettable sound that even earplugs can't surpass it."
Sa sobrang inis ko, sinira ko 'yung earplugs niya at nakapagsalita ako ng hindi maganda. Her mouth gaped open with surprise because of what I did but I don't care. That night, I found out that she was a doctor, and she knows me. I am well known in my field. I don't know. It doesn't matter anyway. I even asked her but she keeps on omitting the truth. Edi h'wag.
"You were almost killed. So, thank you, Macey. I saved you."
I saved her.
And maybe that was the best decision I made. Ever.
But I feel like cheating with Maxine that night. I blamed myself. I regret forgetting her even for a moment.
Hold on, I still want you
Come back, I still need you
Let me take your hand, I'll make it right
I swear to love you all my life
Hold on, I still need you🎵
"Because I like you Jaxon, more than you can imagine."
I just stared at her. I'm not even surprised wither confession. Ilang babae na ang nakasama ko. Even doctors and nurses back in the hospital, the scientists I collaborated with inside the HQ likes me. They confessed but not as confident as her. Like she's waiting for so long to say it to me.
But what shocked me is that she knows Maxine. It sounded like she knows me... --us very well. It angers me the way she talked. She's trying to take away Maxine from my heart. No one is better than Maxine. No one deserves me. Only Maxine, and no one can surpass her.
"Siya lang ang mamahalin ko at wala ng iba. Walang walang hihigit sa kanya...you're right... sino ka nga ba naman para mahalin ko? Maxine is better than you are. In so many ways."
This DJ is nothing to me. She's just a woman. One of the women who likes me, and soon will be giving up. Kahit kailan, hinding hindi maalis sa puso ko si Maxine. She is my center of everything and it will remain that way.
Pero kung minamalas ka nga naman, kapit bahay ko pa nga.
"Grabe ka. Di ba pwedeng dito din ako nakatira?"
I didn't get to have any peace because of that. I always see Macey around, even breakfast. It's just too early in the morning to ruin my day, but I just let go of it. I just shut my mouth, letting her blabber about things that I didn't even care to remember.
Pakiramdam ko, mamamatay na ako sa konsumisyon dahil sa mga pant-trip niya.
She's just too stubborn and talkative. I tried turning her down once again, but she didn't take it seriously so I didn't have any choice but to treat her like an air, but she made herself a polluted fucking air that I can't even ignore. Damn it.
Pero masarap siya magluto.
Ang sarap ipagdamot kay Bryson.
"Malay mo, nasa tabi-tabi lang pala ang makakapag-ahon sa'yo sa nakaraan mo." Bryson told me when she saw Macey somewhere outside. Nalaman pa tuloy niya na kapit bahay ko 'yon at halatang atat na ibugaw ako.
I huffed. "Kahit i-ahon niya ako, hindi ako papayag." I answered to shut him up. Maxine's there already and darkness with her became my comfort. i just want to stay there.
"Eh pano kung magpakalunod din siya para lang samahan ka?" nagpumilit pa.
Eh bakit ka nangunguha ng pagkaing tangina ka?
Macey's stubbornness is in the highest level. I can feel my wrinkles forming in the sides of my eyes. Pakiramdam ko, babaeng Bryson at Zane ang kasama ko sa hinagap ng araw-araw. She's always inside my condo, disturbing me. Hindi ko naman matanggihan kasi may dalang pagkain. Somehow, I got to enjoy it. Ang sarap i-deny, pero ang gaan ng aura niya.
Tsk.
But when I saw her crying. It bothered me. Big time.
I'm used to see her smiling and grinning happily. Giving me lame jokes, and it's new to me seeing her cry like a child. She looks so innocent, and crying doesn't suit her. Nakakapanibago na walang nangungulit. Parang ang bigat sa dibdib.
I sighed. "Why are you crying?"
Nagulat na lang ako nang bigla niya akong yakapin at umiyak sa dibdib ko. My arms remained on my side as she cried harder.
Damn.
Something's familiar.
Naramdaman ko na 'to.
Ang pangit niyang umiyak, kaya hindi dapat siya umiyak.
Then suddenly, her breathing became uneven. Mabilis ko siyang ipinasok sa loob ng condo ko at inasikaso. When she was finally okay, she immediately wanted to go home like she doesn't want anyone seeing her in a weak state.
But I did.
I saw her.
"Have a breakfast with me babybabe?" That's when I started to get scared with no reason at all. Macey saw me...holding a gun, and there she was, smiling at me. She doesn't even have any idea who am I and here she is...with me. Endangering herself. Parang wala siyang pakialam. She acted like nothing, and often irritate the hell out of me with her jokes, pick-up lines and bribery of every food she brought.
Even when she's tired. Her body's already giving up on her, but she didn't give up on me. Kahit gaano ano kasungit sa kaniya. Kahit palagi ko siyang pinaalis sa condo ko, nandun pa'rin siya.
Parang wala lang sa kaniya ang lahat. All she knows is to make me smile, and laugh.
I don't know but I stared at her when she fell asleep on my counter top table one time.
Macey.
Huwag kang aalis.
Sa bawat araw na nakikita ko siya, pakiramdam ko, may nagbabago. I tried drawing the line between us. I said to myself that she's my neighbor. Casual lang. I should ignore her feelings for me, and just be friends with her with boundaries. Inalok ko siya ng 'friendship' with rules, and even Byrson laughed is ass out of me. Sarap tadyakan.
"Were you able to avoid the mess after you pushed her away?"
In fact, mas lalo lang gumulo. I tried to deny it, but I was guilty saying words to her. I went too far. I forgot that no matter how Macey likes me, no matter how she will do things that could make me like her, walang mangayayari kung hindi ko talaga siya gusto. She's out of my feelings.
Maybe I was wrong.
This is my own battle.
"If our love is tragedy why are you my remedy...If our love's insanity why are you my clarity...?" I sang along while looking at her. Hindi niya ako nakikita, but I just found myself secretly singing with her when I saw her performing at escapes.
Gusto ko na kaagad magsorry sa kaniya, pero nakakabadtrip lang. May kasama siya sa condo niyang umuwi kaya naghintay pa ako.
"I'm sorry." I said.
I was sincere, and I want to talk to her, pero nakalimutan ko na doctor siya. She's always on call, and she has to leave. I badly want to take back my words, but I have to wait for a whole damn day just to be able to talk to her again and apologize. Sa sobrang bagot ko, sa labas na ako nag-dinner. Puro delata kasi nasa cupboards ko, at hotdogs naman sa fridge.
"Ilan po sir?" the cashier asked.
I stopped for a while. I'm in the noodle house where she confessed to me, and seems like the people around here knows her.
Kumunot ang noo ko. "What's the usual order of Macey here?" I asked, feeling embarrassed.
Napangiti ang cashier bago sinabi ang order palagi ni Macey. I bought the noodle soup she usually orders. Tag-isa kami. Wala lang. Pang peace offer lang, at pang suhol sa friendship.
Friendship.
"Let's be friends Macey. With no rules. With no limits. Plain Friends. I take everything back I said yesterday..."
I saw her wide smile, and maybe that's all I want to see. Hindi bagay sa kaniya 'yung nasasaktan at umiiyak.
I think I did the right thing.
Hindi ko alam kung inabuso niya 'yung friendship na inalok ko. Kinabukasan, she's sick. I was worried, and I just can't leave her. Doon ko nakita kung gaano siya kahina. Kung gaano siya kapagod at kung gaano siya kagaling magpanggap. Her mask fell uncontrollably, and I saw her bare once again.
At sa bawat pagkakataon na mangyayari 'yon, hindi na niya inuungkat. When she knocked on my door, she's bubbly, and stubborn again like nothing happened. Lalo na sa mga oras na natatakot siya. She even tried to lie to me.
"I just don't want you to worry." She reasoned out, but I know. I'm more than worried.
It kinda bothered me. Muli na naman akong natatakot para sa isang tao. I repeatedly reminded myself that I have Maxine and I can't break my promise to her. Macey is just a friend. A close one, and that's just it. I can't open my heard for her. Si Maxine lang ang may Karapatan sa puso ko kahit anon mangyari.
"I'm sorry." She whispered. "I invaded your privacy."
I scoffed and just pulled her out of the room. Wala lang naman saakin na makita niya ang painting room na puno ng mukha ni Maxine, at mga pictures namin. It's a good thing too that she saw it so she would realize that I have Maxine.
Pero sino nga bang niloloko ko? Sarili ko lang naman. I started to bear in my mind that I should take it easy on her.
We kissed.
Pang-ilan na ba? Tatlo? Dalawa?
Pero isa langa ng sigurado ko. Ang sarap tumakbo. I acted like a fucking girl because of the kiss we had. Macey just drowned me with the kiss, and the more something's changing inside me. Something...inside me is being invaded. May natitibag na sa loob ko.
"We're doing this as her friend. Now, do your duty as her friend too.'Yon lang naman ang kaya mong ibigay sa kaniya diba? Friendship?"
Para akong sinampal ng malakas sa sinabi ni Candace na friendship lang ang kaya kong ibigay sa kaniya. Pakiramdam ko, natauhan ako. It feels like it wasn't true. Natahimik ako, hanggang sa makaalis na siya sa unit ko. I was staring at the invitation Candace gave me, and I just sighed, crumpling the paper and throwing it on the trash bin as I made up my mind.
"Dr. Skyler?!"
I found myself in a medical mission after a very long time. I kinda miss it. It's like I'm starting to see the world after burying myself. I saw the people around, curing the patients, and when I saw how dedicated Macey was to her job, and how selfless, kind and soft hearted she was, I felt the urge to cure someone too like I used to, but I'm just too scared to fail, and seeing them die in my hands. I don't deserve to be called doctor.
"I want a reality check." Bumuntong hininga ako. "To see for myself that I'm not living in past anymore."
"T-then...what...did you found out?" She stammered.
I just stared at her.
She's just too beautiful with the moon behind her.
And I'm starting to see the future again.
Unti-unti na akong nakaka-usad.
I was staring at my wallpaper with my lips pursed. Hindi ko rin napansin na pinalitan niya iyong wallpaper ko habang naghihintay ng order ko and Macey's in front of me.
"You own the hospital?" I asked. She'd been my friend but all I know is she is Macey.
"Yes..."
I suddenly had the urge to thank her, but maybe I was just too embarrassed to thank her for understanding my decision to leave the hospital. Alam kong malaking kawalan iyon sa parte nila, pero hinayaan niya lang ako... So to return the payment back, I just let her see her friend. She was happy, and relieved and I am too, but hell, I still keep on reminding that I have Maxine in my heart and I can't break my promise to her, one way or another.
But I just snapped.
A long endless highway, you're silent beside me
Drivin' a nightmare I can't escape from
Helplessly praying, the light isn't fadin'
Hiding the shock and the chill in my bones🎶
Hindi ko na napigilan ang umaalpas sa dibdib ko. Fear, confusion, denials. Everything, but I just realized one thing. One thing that I can be truthful for once in a long time.
"I can't lose you too!" I shouted at her with all of my frustrations.
When I saw her being hurt earlier, pakiramdam ako, natakot ako bigla para sa kaniya, knowing that she knows the whole truth about me. Ang tagal ko ng hindi natatakot, at hindi nag-aalala para sa isang tao. Simula nang mawala si Maxine, pakiramdam ko, wala akong karapatang matakot at mag-alala kasi wala naman akong magagawa . I can't even do a thing about it, so why should I let myself get scared?
Pero nung nakita kong dumudugo 'yung balikat niya, at kung paano 'ko nakita 'yung takot sa mga mata niya... Gusto kong kumilos.
Ayokong mawala siya. I can almost see the rays of the light, and it's just my decision if I'll let the light take over or I'll make everything dark again.
Pero pakiramdam ko, mas nabubuhay ako kapag nakikita ko 'yung liwanag. Kapag kasama ko siya. It's just a matter of time, and wise decision if whom I'm going to choose. Ang hirap pumili. Ang hirap umalis sa nakasanayan, pero ang sarap ding sumubok.
It's just too...fucked up. I can't decide.
"I'm not Maxine!" I can sense her voice is breaking.
Alam ko.
Magkaiba kayo.
Pero sa'kin ka 'rin.
Sa'kin ka lang.
I just hugged her tight kahit masakit pa iyong sugat ko. I feel sorry for her. She stoops that low just to be with me, but I know her efforts will not be in vain anymore.
She's slowly invading my heart, and I don't know how to push her away anymore. She became light to my darkness, and she drowned herself with me so she can pull me out of reverie I was in. I'm out of my comfort zone...because of her.
Everything became bearable, and slowly...I started to ask for forgiveness from Maxine during her birthday, and each and every passing day.
I think.. I can't fulfill my promise to her anymore.
"Eu acho que eu gosto de você, teimoso." I think I like you, stubborn. I whispered that to her as I hugged her while she's sleeping in my arms. Alam kong pagod siya, alam kong madami siyang ginagawa sa hospital pero gusto ko siyang isama sa Pangasinan. I want to be with her...every single day.
Maybe it's beyond 'liking'
My feeling's already starting to grow...
And I want the moon and the stars to witnessed us. I want the universe to see how much I treasured her.
I kissed her. Hindi ko man masabi, pero gagawin ko na lang...kasi iyon 'yung nararamdaman ko...kahit hindi pa ako sigurado.
But in just one snap of finger, she was gone.
"Pre, kalma,pre!" Kulang na lang ay umilag si Zane habang inaawat ako sa pagwawala rito sa computer room ko. Damn. I can't find Macey anywhere, and all the tracks of her was clean. Walang bakas nang kahit ano, and it worries me so damn much. Ilang beses na. Ilang beses na siyang muntik mapahamak habang kasama ko.
We fought over it once, and she doesn't care at all, closing the topic so I made sure to myself that I'm protecting her, and she's safe kahit ilang threats na ang pinapadala sa akin at kay Macey
.
Pakiramdam ko, bumalik lahat ng takot sa dibdib ko. The memories of Maxine, in the verge of death, and failing to save her was on my mind again as each passing hour pass by...and seeing Macey in that state, pakiramdam ko, pasasabugin ko lahat ng HQ nila kapag nangyari 'yon and no one can even stop me from doing that shit.
Not even Declan. Not even anyone.
"Nasaan na ba? Anong sabi ni Nancy?!" nataranta na rin si Bryson.
Matagal na akong nagtitimpi sa Black Coffins, and if they will fucking do it with me once again, I'm not gonna hold back this time.
"I found her." Pakiramdam ko, nawala iyong hilo ko. I've been up all night for almost a week, looking for Macey, and waiting for Clodoveo to call me but there isn't any call from them.
Macey is totally missing.
"Where is she?" I asked.
"Airport."
I didn't ask any further. I immediately drove way to the airport, and almost an hour after, I saw her in the waiting area with her luggage and few things with her. Nanlaki ang mga mata niya nang makita ako.
"Please...Mag-paalam ka kung aalis ka..." I just ended up pleading to her. I'm just so whipped. I concede just like that.
"Oo, promise!" she answered, caressing my back to calm me down even though she was the one sobbing from time to time.
Pero parang ang sarap magpasuyo.
"Peace na tayo..." she pleaded like a kid.
Hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko at iniwan siya sa kitchen, but the moment I turned my back on her, I was already smiling but it was immediately gone when she blocked my way.
"Hala! Sure ako! Promise! Kahit ano!"
I feel like I won over her wickedness since I met her. For the first time in forever. "Sige, bati na tayo."
After our lunch, dinala ko siya sa gym ni Easton. "Hoy, hala!" her eyes widened.
I didn't let her complain anymore. I let her change her clothes, and I started to teach her martial arts that she could use to defend herself, because not everytime I can be with her, and she could disappear anytime. At least, I'll be at ease even just for a bit that she could protect herself for me.
But I notice her movements. It's stifle.
Marunong siya.
I didn't doubt her that time. Russel is a bouncer in escapes so maybe she learned it from Russel. I just let go of it.
"Jax, let's not talk about this."
"Tell me, Macey. I want to know." I already have an idea that it was all because of me. Hindi naman lingid sa kaalaman ko na kapahamakan lang ang dala ko. Black Coffins is trying to find any weak spot that they could use against me.
Bumaba ang tingin ko sa kamay niyang nanginginig. I brought her to gun shooting range of Easton, and she tried to conceal her fear, but her body spoke for her. When I confirmed it, mas lalo ko lang ginusto sa sarili ko na turuan at protektahan siya. Being with me is just too much for her, and I want to ease that in every way I can.
Alam kong nahihirapan na siya dahil hindi pa ako nakakapili tapos dadagdag pa 'to.
I just hugged her tight to assure her that I'll protect her no matter what, and I'm not gonna let anyone hurt her because of me.
"Let's...date...?" I smiled at her.
Maybe it's time.
Morning came, and I became busy preparing for my clothes to wear, but my eyes settled on Maxine's picture on my side table. I sat on my bed before holding the picture, and touching it with my thumb.
I smiled, "I'm so sorry..."
I placed a bouquet of flowers on the side of Maxine's urn as I sat in front of her. I just found myself driving way to cemetery to talk to Maxine. I want to clear things with her, and I want to say a proper good bye, and letting go.
"You said promises are not promises when it's broken..." I chuckled. "Well, I guess all the promises, and my no matter whats are just a plain scam. I'm sorry...Max..." I looked down, choking from my own words that I didn't expected that it would come with my will.
"Patawad kung hanggang dito na lang ang kaya kong tuparin sa mga pangako at pangarap natin. I met a woman...who lighten up my world when you left me with darkness in just a snap. I started to smile again. I started to be alive...my heart started to beat...and I fear and worry from time to time... I'm sorry... but I just realized that it's okay to move on and live my life whole again..."
"You will always be in my heart, Max..." I assured her, looking at her picture. "You will always be the woman I fell in love with...you'll always have a special place in my heart...and I'm sorry if this will be the last time I'm going to choose you...because from now on, it will always be Macey."
I feel free after that. I asked Bryson and Zane a favor preparing something for Macey. I searched for a place, and I choose to be in La Union to watch the stars with her...I want to stars and moon to be with us as I choose her.
"Put me down,Jaxon! Put me down! Ayaw ko na sa'yo!"
Sa lahat ng sinabi niya, ito ang scam.
I stop myself from smiling at her while she's whining like a kid. I feel sad for a bit, but it's a good thing that she's drunk. Her mask is off, and she's letting all the frustrations in her hear. Iyon ang gusto kong marinig mula sa kaniya. I know that I'm not perfect, and she accepted them all...but I want to know what are my shortcomings so I can be better for her.
Dahil siya na.
Siya na 'yung pinili ko.
"I'm choosing you." I said as I caressed her face. Mukhang inaantok na siya pero nabuhayan siya ulit. My friend down there is being alive too, but it's Macey's first time so I calmed myself down...though I didn't expect that I was her first. I mean, hindi ko naman tinatanggi but we're already pass the marriage age.
Then it hit me. She's Macey. My innocent stubborn woman. A Wholesme one
I just asked her to tell me something about herself. I want to know her more, and I want to discover her. Kaunti pa lang kasi ang alam ko sa kaniya. I was too focused on my past, and I didn't even notice that my future is right in front of me.
"Fertile ako, walang proteksyon."
"Hmmm." I nuzzled to her.
"Ayaw mo?"
"Wala akong sinabing ayaw ko."
I didn't say that I don't want a child. I just don't want her to get pregnant if she didn't walking down yet.
Macey deserves the best and every assurance she can have.
"Ba't kasi ako?! May date kami ni Fayi e! Si Bryson na lang dapat, single naman 'yong tanginang 'yun!"
"Hindi ka sure." I chuckled as we enter inside a jewelry store.
"Weh? Ba't di ko alam?"
"May girlfriend ka na, wag ka nang epal."
The sales lady greeted us, and asked what we're up to. I told her that I needed a ring.
"Engagement ring sir?" the sales lady asked.
"Oo miss! Natauhan na 'yung torpe-"
"Wedding ring." I cut off Zane.
"Wedding?! Eh wala ngang kayo?!" reklamo ni Zane. Paki ko sa kaniya.
The sales lady looked giddy as she showed us the wedding rings. All of them were pairs. My eyes roamed around, and looking for something that could suit Macey and I's taste.
"Wedding ring, wala nga kayong label?"
I glared at him.
Hindi ba pwedeng married 'yung gusto kong label?
"Ni hindi ka pa nga nagi-I love you e." Zane looked at the sales lady. "Ekis no, Miss?" nakipagkampihan pa siya 'ron sa sales lady.
"Ekis sir." The woman chuckled.
Epal.
"Ayun p're, diba mahilig si Macey sa violet?" Tinuro ni Zane ang isang section ng mga singsing. All of them were shining with the shade of violet, purple and lavender.
Hanggang sa may isang singsing na nakakuha ng atensyon ko. The ring for the woman was elegant yet simple vintage. The violet stone in the middle was place in a crown like metal, and the whole ring were gold as well.
"Can I take a look at that one?" I asked.
Inilabas ng sales lady ang singsing. I take a closer look on it. "That's a violet jade stone, sir."
"What does it mean?" I asked. Ayoko lang kasing basta pumili based sa kulay o itsura. I want something deeper that physical appearance because Macey is more than her looks. She's contagious... simple yet every actions of her and every thing about her is meaningful on the inside.
"Mirth and happiness." The sales lady told me. "Joy of life to fill the soul and spill over to others."
This...is what I'm looking for.
I smiled. "I'll have this one..." Hindi ko na ibalang tignan ang kapartner na sing sing. It also has a violet touch, and that's good enough as long as our rings matches with one another.
"Anong gusto mong ulam, babybabe?" Macey's sitting on one of the desks of my computer while I'm busy with my work. I overtake Declan's responsibility for a while, and I became busy than I was before.
"Anything." I answered, my eyes still on my monitor.
"I can be anything." She answered giggling.
I glared at her for a second. We had intimate moments everytime, and she always tease me about that since I'm not talking about it. She said I was shy, but I just don't want to embarrass her.
"Tinatamad akong magluto." She pouted.
Itinigil ko muna saglit ang ginagawa ko bago ko siya binuhat at ini-upo sa kandungan ko. Her arms immediately wrapped around my neck. "I'll just order foods. What do you want to eat?"
"Ikaw." She giggled.
"Macey." I warned.
"Hmm...palabok." She leaned her head on my shoulder, and that's my cue to stop working. Maingat ko siyang binuhat kapagkuwan ay tumayo ako at lumabas. I opened the door of my room, and I lay her down on my bed. I don't let her sleep in the guest room anymore. Naging training room na namin iyong dalawa, and I don't want Macey sleeping there.
She's more than a guest already. She's my home. My life. My everything.
"Dapat inutusan mo si Chin." I said since Chin is her secretary. "Iyon dapat 'yung pinapagod mo lagi e."
Hinampas niya ako sa balikat nangmakaupo ako sa ulunan niya. Kaagad siyang umunan sa hita ko at niayakap ako sa bewang. I caressed her hair, ordering dinner for us. "Jax, gisingin mo na lang ako kapag dumating na 'yung order..."
Hindi 'rin nagtagal ay nakatulog na siya. I sighed and fixed her blanket. She looks so tired. She'd been spending her whole day in the hospital, curing patients, and when she goes home to me, she looks so tired. She's just so selfless to even care for herself. Palaging ako, o ang ibang tao ang inuuna niya kaysa sa sarili niya. I never saw her prioritize herself, not even once.
I kissed her forehead. "Rest well, Stubborn..."
Time pass like a blur, and each and every day, I became more comfortable with Macey to the point that I'm almost depending on her. I won't eat if she's not yet home, and I won't go home if I haven't picked her up yet from work. Madalas kong nakikita ang pagod sa mukha niya pagkalabas ng entrance, and every time our eyes will meet, she will conceal the tiredness into a genuine smile.
"Ba't ka sumama?" Easton asked me.
"Paki mo?" I asked.
We're inside a men's boutique and parlor looking for a suit and high-class grooming. Isa sa mga high class na napili ni Bryson. Kakilala niya nga iyong may-ari. Today's my birthday and the anniversary of Macey's hospital. Not the exact date though, alam ko 'yon pero nagkataon lang na ang mga event organizer ni Macey ay naitapat sa birthday ko. Gusto ni Macey na i-adjust 'yung celebration pero hindi ako pumayag. Basta kasama ko siya sa birthday ko, ayos na.
"Pwede na 'yan!" Napakamot sa ulo si Zane.
I looked at myself in the mirror, and I was wearing navy blue suit. I move to angles to see if it really looked good on me, but I think something's missing. Napalingon ako kay Bryson na nagpapaayos na ng buhok niya. Pinapakulayan ng high lights na pula. Kamukha niya tuloy is Hagorn ng Encantadia.
Nang matapos akong magsukat ay pina-ayos ko na iyong suit ko dahil mamayang gabi na iyong event. Afterwards, I walked inside the salon na nasa loob lang din nung boutique.
I looked at my reflection on the mirror.
I have to be handsome today.
Macey deserves to have a handsome and well-respected partner.
"I'll cut my hair..."
At halos mahulog sa kinauupuan niya si Bryson habang nakatingin saakin.
"Oh, ayan na 'yung minamadali mong papeles." Bryson handed me a folder while I was looking up at Macey, speaking in front of everyone. She looked so fancy, and elegant with her gown. She speaks with dignity and every word that came from her mouth is not for her, but for everyone who contributed in making the Mondragon Hospital a great place that saves lives. She didn't even give any credits to herself, and I can't help but to admire her.
She's just too selfless...and her feet always stays on the ground.
Siya iyong tipo ng tao na magkukusa kang tumingala sa kaniya. She's just so humble... and I'm lucky that she loves me and she's mine.
Nang matapos siyang magsalita ay naglakad ako para salubungin siya sa stage. My forehead turned into a knot when I saw her in a hurry, and she didn't even notice that she already bumps into me. Nanlaki ang mga mata niya na para bang hindi siya makapaniwalang nasa harapan niya ako. It was actually a surprise kaya hindi ko sinabi sa kaniya na dadalo ako sa event.
But I can't fully concentrate because I notice that she's not okay. Hindi pa siya nakakasagot sa tanong ko nang itulak niya ako at tumakbo papunta sa washroom. I followed her, and I saw her vomiting. Dinaluhan ko siya kaagad, and I fixed her messed but I wasn't done yet when she hugged me and she cried.
"You good?" I asked again. Iniisip ko na baka buntis siya. We never used protection. Not even once, but when she told me it's because of the wine, I felt disappointed.
"You looked so handsome tonight babybabe..." Pilit niyang iniiwas ang usapan.
Napabuntong hininga ako. "Macey..."
I can sense something's not right but she just ignored me and acted like nothing happened. We had a fancy dinner to celebrate for my birthday before going to the Escapes for the party. She tried to hide it, pero napansin ko pa 'rin.
They took you away on a table
I pace back and forth as you lay still
They pull you in to feel your heartbeat
Can you hear me screaming, "Please don't leave me"🎵🎵
"Do you trust me?" she asked.
"Of course..." I answered. Why wouldn't I?
"I trust you too...so much." She whispered and kissed me.
We had so much fun and I was distracted because of the party inside the Escapes, She gave me her gift before we enter inside. I was about to open it but she stopped me.
Gusto ko na iyong buksan pero pinigilan niya ako at pinilit na pumasok sa loob ng Escape's. I just leave the gift inside, pero habang nasa loob kami ng bar, at nagpaparty sa loob, hindi mawala sa isip ko iyong regalo niya. I was like an expectant kid.
"Marry me..." she was so drunk, and I can't help but to smile. She's so adorable. Kapag talaga nalalasing siya ay nawawala siya sa katinuan at kung ano ang gustong gusto niyang sabihin ay nasasabi niya. She may be talkative most of the times, but she's suppressing her personal wants and problems. Lumalabas lang 'yon kapag lasing siya.
She's expressive when she's drunk. Selfish even.
Ilang beses na siyang nagpaparamdam na gusto na niya akong maging boyfriend. Everytime we make love, she keeps on teasing me about it but she never forced me.
Iyon pala, kasal na ang gusto.
"um-oo ka muna sakin." I whispered and kissed her cheeks before putting her down on the passenger's seat of my car...
But...
The perfect universe we had become fucked up all of sudden.
"I'm... Macey Andrella Carassco-" It was like there's a bomb exploded right in front of me. She's crying and it breaks my heart how fucked up we became all of sudden. Damn. We're too happy and free so why does it have to be like this?!
I just walked away from her, and my tears started to fall. I can't explain what I'm feeling but...all I know is my world is falling apart for the second time. Ang hirap tanggapin. Ang hirap...paniwalaan. It's too suffocating.
Bakit siya pa?
Ba't hindi niya sinabi?
Did she just did it to get something from me?
Was her love was real?
Did I take a risk for a wrong person?
Was the light she gave me was a lie?
Does the home she gave me was bait?
There were just too many questions, and I want to seek for answers that could satisfy what I really need and want to find out. She's not one of them. She didn't do it on a purpose.
It's just too much to take.
I can't even make myself go near her and ask. I have the means to investigate about her but I'm scared of the truth that she'd feed me. I'm scared that she's the reason why I was miserable for a very long time, and she did everything to fool me.
Tangina.
Mahal ko siya e.
Mahal na mahal.
Bakit ganon? Bakit siya pa? Kung kelan buo na ang desisyon ko?
"And yes, she's the reason why Maxine died." Easton told me, and I can't help but to grab his collar, and ask him that it's not true. Damn. Reality just slapped me really really hard...and it kills me for the second time.
I went to her. I just want to see her. I know to myself that I miss her, but I don't want to hear anything from her, or from anyone. I don't want to know anything. Maybe, it's just her name. She's just a Saez, and it ends in that, pero sino bang niloloko ko? Easton confirmed it already.
I just wanted to see her to keep myself sane. Na nakikita ko pa siya bilang si Macey na minahal ko. I don't want to go near her. The truth just keeps on coming back, and I'm scared that I could look her the different way. Baka hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko at may magawa akong hindi maganda.
Sana hindi ko na lang nalaman iyong totoo.
"She's three weeks pregnant..."
Yung magulong sitwasyon, mas lalo pang nagulo. Her friends let me be alone with her inside for a moment. Nakatayo lang ako sa gilid ng kama niya.
"I fell hard...M-macey...like what you wanted" I looked up. "But why does it have to be this painful?"
Tears started to fall, and I reached for her hands. We have a child already. Ang gulo lalo. Ang hirap mag-isip. Ang hirap gumalaw at pumili. I'm just not sure of everything, yet I'm scared where the truth could lead me, because if I'll discover the truth, I have to choose in an instant.
I need time.
Baka panaginip lang 'to.
I tried doing things for her despite of how fucked up the situation was. She may be a Saez, but she's carrying my child, and I still care for her, but knowing the truth about her, I can't give my all.
She fooled me.
"Maiintindihan ko kung galit ka sakin at ayaw mo akong pakinggan, pero wag mo namang idamay 'yung baby natin...kasi wala siyang kasalanan..." She cried in front of me before walking away.
I'm not angry at my child.
Either her.
I'm not sure.
I'm just angry how the truth about you turned out happiness into this kind of misery. That my family...is one of them.
Ang sakit.
Ang hirap tanggapin nang basta na lang.
Ni hindi ko nga alam kung...mahal niya ba talaga ako o sadyang pakitang tao lang lahat. That what's scares me the most. That she just chose me because she had no choice but I'm just a plain...quest to her.
Hindi ko na alam.
"Minsan pang may mangyaring masama sa kaniya dahil sa'yo..." Candace warned me. "Ilalayo namin si Macey. Hinahayaan ka lang namin dahil anak mo 'yon, pero kung sasaktan mo 'rin at wala kang pakialam...kami na ang lalayo."
Candace closed the gate. They made Macey stay in her house when Macey almost lost the baby. They didn't let me see Macey since then, as they learned that I chose distancing myself because of the truth that Macey has.
I'm not choosing anyone.
I just need time...
At sa kahihingi ko nang oras, pakiramdam ko, huli na ako. It took me two weeks before I was able to see her, and before I got the chance to talk to her. I almost went insane not seeing her. Pakiramdam ko, mas lalo akong nabaliw.
Maybe I should choose her.
Maybe I should...try.
Just this once.
"Umalis ka na..." she pushed me away.
I just let her fall asleep before I hugged her to my content. I kissed her forehead. "I'll...listen to you tomorrow."
I should choose.
I should know the truth.
It took me some time before I got to have the strength to hear her out and the truth about her. It scares me that she will bid her goodbye to me, and choose her where she truly belongs instead of me.
Baka hindi na ako 'yung piliin niya.
Pero nung handa na ako...
Hold on, I still want you
Come back, I still need you
Let me take your hand, I'll make it right
I swear to love you all my life
Hold on, I still need you🎵🎵
"J-jaxon...s-si...Jayda..." she started to cough blood against my chest. "P-please...s-save our baby...kahit siya l-lang..."
That was her last words before she lost her consciousness. I tried to aim my gun at Clodoveo, but I didn't get the chance to even hurt him because of my trembling hands, and Macey's in my arms. Worry and fear consumed me.
"If you only trust her enough... this wouldn't happen." Russel just woke me up with his words as I held Macey's hand while we're on our way to the hospital. I know I was crying already and I can't even do anything even touching her. I might hurt her.
Why did fear overtook me?
Why do I have to be in denial?
"Is it because of Maxine again? Huh?! Eh putangina mo, kaya siya nandito dahil sa Maxine na 'yan at sa'yo eh!" Candace pointed her finger at me, and all I can do was to listen to her anger. Macey's her bestfriend, and she knows what Macey had been through.
Macey's completely out of this. Sa sobrang gulo ng sitwasyon, ni hindi na pumasok sa isip ko si Macey. I solely focused myself on Macey. Why does it have to be her? Bakit siya 'yung dahilan kung ba't ako naghirap? Nalugmok? Maybe Maxine was part of it...but the issue with Macey right now is a whole new kind of level. Wala nang mas gugulo pa sa sitwasyon ngayon. Wala nang mas sasakit pa.
When Maxine died, I just lost it in an instant. I decided to just give up, but now?
I'm confused and lost as fuck. I don't know where to go. Who to choose? What to believe...I was in denial. Everything's just so fuck up, and I want everything to get back to normal, but I can't do anything but to cry.
"Mag-ina mo na 'yon e... mag-ina mo 'yung nasa loob. Kelan ka ba gigising at gigising sa bangungot na kinalulugaran mo?! Kapag wala na 'rin sila?"
The fear came rushing back. The blood against my hands, the death...
What if I can't save her?
What if I wasn't enough?
I don't know what to think. I'm losing Macey and the baby if I won't go inside the operating room, but I might lose them in my hands if I'll be inside. I just...don't trust myself anymore.
Baka tuluyan na naman akong mawalan ng kalaban-laban at ako pa ang dahilan. I just...can't bear to be alone again.
"Do it man, hinihintay ka ng mag-ina mo..."
But maybe, I have to wake up. If wasn't able to be brave to choose and ignore the truth...
I should wake up.
I have to trust myself.
I have to save my family.
If this is the least thing I could do...then so be it.
"Scalpel..." I said. Nostalgic feeling washed through me. I never expected...this thing to happen.
I almost lost her, but looking at her friends, they're trying to be brave and save Macey even though there's a chance of losing her, and I should too. I saw their strong will and unity... and they're willing to help me. I have to trust myself too. I have to be brave and save her. This time, hindi ako nag-iisa. Hindi ako dapat matakot. I have to buckle myself up. I have to face my fears and consequences like what Macey did for me.
I have to take risk.
Ako naman.
"The baby's gone."
I fucking tried hard to concentrate when I heard that from Dra. Calista. I tried so hard to hold back my tears even though I can feel myself giving up. Parang may namatay sa loob ko. My hands started to tremble as I continue the operation. I tried to keep it still, until I was done.
"Asikasuhin mo na si Baby Jayda..."
Asikasuhin?
I always look forward...I wished. I hope that someday, Jayda would be in my arms, taking care of her. I never imagine that it would turn out like this. As I stare at her remains, all I can do was to cry and blame myself.
If I was just brave enough.
If I wasn't brave enough.
Kung sana...nagtiwala ako kay Macey...
Kung sana binalewala ko na lang iyong totoo...
Ang daming sana... ang daming 'kung'... pero wala na akong magawa. My child is already gone.
Our fruit of love is gone...because of me.
"She was a victim of domestic violence..."
Kaya pala pamilyar siya. Her every hug. Everytime we each at each other's eyes, her expressive stares from those pair of her almond eyes. Hindi ko siya nakilala, pero nakilala siya ng Sistema ko. Her physical look might changes, but the strange feeling that washed over me everytime I'm with her, the curiosity...my wonder about her remained the same. Familiar. Nostalgic.
"Kasi kung nagtiwala ka lang, hindi 'to mangyayari..."
Nami's voice quivered with anger. She walked away after she told me the truth Macey was begging to tell me. I didn't listen to her. I...closed my ears for the possible truth. Ilang beses kong sinabi sa sarili ko. Ilang beses kong sinisil ang sarili ko...na kung sana nakinig lang ako. Kung sana...baka hindi nangyari 'to. Ang daming senyales, pero binalewala ko lang.
I didn't even bother to trust her, and called her a traitor right away. I didn't bother to know her side.
And the woman I always wonder how is she, the woman I saved...the woman I got worried. The woman that I wanted to know her side...those expressive eyes, the fear in it while she was hiding against CLodoveo...
Bakit hindi ko nakilala?
Yung babaeng nakalimutan ko, at minsang ginusto kong protektahan...
Siya pa 'yung babaeng paulit ulit kong sinasaktan...
...habang siya, paulit-ulit akong inililigtas wag lang masaktan.
How ironic this could be, huh?
The fate...the universe...everyone around me already gave me a sign but I was blind to see it. I was too focused on looking for something. For someone. But I wasn't aware, nasa tabi ko lang pala all along, and it's too late to notice her...that's when she's slipping away from me already.
I'm such an asshole.
Sabi ko mahal ko siya.
Hanggang salita lang pala ako.
"Dude, I found this in your car. Inalis na ni Zane 'yong kotse mo sa parking ng Escapes. I was the one who drive it, and I saw this..." Bryson handed me a velvet box one time he visited Macey in the ICU.
I stared at the velvet box he handed me when he left. Macey's birthday gift to me. It's just been over a week since Macey's operation, and Macey has to stay inside the ICU to monitor her condition. Nanatili akong naka-upo sa tabi ng kama niya for the entire time. Good thing the higher ups of the hospital was Macey's friends and as well as Chin so I was able to stay inside the ICU.
I opened the box to see a few confetti. Iyon ang unang bumungad sa paningin ko. I carefully removed the confetti to see what's inside the velvet box, and to see a torn paper from a notebook, pero pagkatanggal ko pa lang ng punit na papel ay natigilan ako sa bumungad sa paningin ko.
Scalpel...with my name engraved on it.
I glanced at Macey first before I opened the torn folded paper. I was expecting a letter for me, but I saw a list. I read one of them, and I noticed the numbers.
11.Sing with him.
12.Dance with him.
13.Fix his Broken Scalpel.
14. Be his Girlfriend.
A lone tear fell from my eyes when I saw a note when I flipped the paper, hoping to see what was this all about, though I have the idea already in my mind.
I want to do these things to you, and with you...so please hold on.
Te Amo Mucho Mi Felicidad
(I love you so much, my happiness)
Macey Andrella Skyler
Held Macey's hands as I started to cry. "I-I'm sorry... if I became your sadness..."
She'd always been there for me.
But I was never there when she needed me the most.
Since that day, I bear on my mind that it should be always her. No hesitations. No anything. Just her. Solely her. I started wearing my robe. Macey keep my robe inside her office, and Chin handed it to me to wear...I accepted it and I even volunteered to be Macey's personal doctor instead of Trisha.
"Maxine?"
What the fuck.
I suddenly remembered about Macey, stealing the Alter Vita. I also remembered Candace telling me why Macey was put in this dangerous situation. It was because of me and Maxine. I keep on asking why, but My query about that was immediately answered. It was all for Maxine.
It wasn't for self-desire. Not even for her mom.
I thought I would be torn between the two. I was holding Macey's hands tightly, while Maxine's hugging me. The familiarity of her warm embrace, her soft voice...and everything about her...I recognized it all in an instant. I missed Maxine, but while she was hugging me...
I can't even let go of Macey's hands.
I can't let go of her.
Her friends ask me to distance myself because they already know who I chose. I know to myself too, but they're just to angry at me because of what happened to Macey. I understand where are they coming from, and I am even thankful that even I'm an asshole, they let me be with Macey.
I spent time with Maxine, I let her do the things we used to do to test myself as well...but as I stare at Maxine longer...the more I realized that I made the right choice.
She doesn't own my heart anymore.
It's not beating for Maxine anymore...
But for Macey.
"I'm not selfish. I should be thankful that she let me live... and I know you already decided. I should give up...so yeah, I guess...this is a goodbye..."
And that's it.
Maxine left the room, and I was relieved. Not because she's gone already but I know that we let go of each other without any hard feelings. Maxine has always an understanding kind of woman, and that's one of the reasons why I love her...but I can't feel that for her anymore. Our goodbyes with each other...It feels like I'm free.
I'm not battling with myself anymore.
"Let me...please. Hayaan niyo akong bumawi sa kaniya..." I begged her friends to let me be with Macey. I saw how devastated she was. I can't even see the bright, wicked and stubborn Macey I knew all along. All I saw was misery, pain, and regret. Paulit ulit niyang hinahanap ang anak namin. She can't accept the fact that our baby's gone...she was even angry at me.
I know I deserve that.
"Let's start a new...Stubborn. You and I." I said as I slid the ring on my finger. I planned to propose to her in a most romantic way I could do, but putting the ring on her finger is the only thing I can give as an assurance to her...na sana...noon ko pa nagawa kung hindi lang ako naging gago.
I want to take care of her. Gusto kong saluhin lahat ng galit niya hanggang sa maging okay siya. Gusto kong bumawi sa lahat ng pagkukulang ko. I even asked for my parents for her to feel that she's not alone. I didn't do it just to return what she did for me...but because I love her.
"Why do you love her?" My dad asked me.
There are thousands of reasons why I love her, but I can't even point out a single thing, so just settled answering...
Basta mahal ko siya.
"H-how...could you save our b-baby?" Macey asked me while I was kneeling in front of her. I'm still catching my breath because I thought I'd lost her too. She tried to kill herself. She's desperate following our daughter wherever she is. She's losing her mind, and all because of me.
"I didn't kill anyone... I didn't do anything wrong...pero bakit 'yung anak ko pa?! Bakit...anong ginawa ko..." she asked, hysterically crying. I just hugged her.
You didn't do anything wrong.
You were just seeking...you're trying to look for right.
Because I wasn't enough...even how much I tried.
I'm sorry.
"Your mom's very upset baby Jayda..." tears fell from my eyes. "I don't know what to do anymore."
"I know I'm such a bad father to you...I have no rights to be here, pero ikaw na lang 'yung alam kong pwede kong makausap...I want to spend my time with you...Jayda..." I hugged my knees. "Whatever happens...anak please... guide your mom and not me. She'd been through so much...please be her angel..."
I feel ashamed in front of my daughter's grave. I'm the one who's responsible for her death even though it's Clodoveo who pulled the trigger. If I was just brave enough not to ask for time, Jayda could've been inside Macey's womb, taking her time to grow...but she's here, buried 6ft below the ground because of me.
"Alam mo ba kung saan ang lugar na 'to?" Zane showed me the navigation while we're looking for Macey. I didn't waste any moment and in an expedite response. I used all of my connection and I became a leader in an instant just to reach for Macey.
Anger already envelope her...and it led to revenge.
I have to stop her...and it's our ring the led me to save her. Napahawak ako sa singsing sa daliri ko bago ako pumasok sa opisina ni Clodoveo. I prepared myself on what could possibly happen. Easton and Zane reminded me, but I was already in rage as I enter the room, and I can't help but to pull the trigger non-stop as I hugged Macey.
"Forget this...moment." I whispered to her.
They say that patience is a virtue. I fucking believe in that. I waited for the right timing to happen. Hindi ako nagpadalos-dalos sa desisyon ko. I listened that we should plan...we should prepare...but as I pulled the trigger my tears fell in an instant.
If I only moved a long time ago, this wouldn't happen. If I didn't ask for time, I wouldn't be this late because I already captured in my mind what will happen...but I still wait. I asked for time...I go with the flow, but if I didn't do it.
Hindi ako nahuli.
Walang maraming sana.
Wala akong pinag-sisihan.
I should have believed that time is gold. I should have believed that time matters...every second of it. Hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon ay kailangan maghinatay, hindi sa lahat ng oras, kailangan ipagpaliban ang mga bagay-bagay.
Because the longer I prepared...
The more I lost the chance...
Of stopping her from leaving me.
I don't wanna let go
I know I'm not that strong
I just wanna hear you
Saying baby, let's go home
Let's go home
Yeah, I just wanna take you home🎤🎵
"D-don't leave...Macey..." I couldn't contain my tears from falling. I saw her luggage, and Spy's holding her passport and her plane ticket. Hinihingal pa ako mula sa pagtakbo ko, pero pakiramdam ko, mas nawawalan ako ng hininga habang nandito siya sa airport.
She's leaving.
"A-anong..." her forehead turned into a knot. Napatayo siya.
"P-please...don't leave..." I reached for her hand but she avoided it. Nagmamakaawa akong tumingin sa kaniya, but when I met her gaze, it was blankly looking at me. At this moment, I feel like a knife stabbed my chest and twist it.
Please...
Look at me the way you always do.
Macey...
"Umalis ka 'rito." Even her voice was cold.
"D-don't leave-"
"Para saan pa?" she asked bitterly. "Para may mananatiling tanga para sa'yo? Sorry ka, gising na ang tangang 'to."
"Macey, please..." I was already begging. "D-don't leave..." Iyon na lang ang tangi kong kayang sabihin. My mind went blank with the fear because of the thought that she'll leave, and I don't know where would she be.
Bakit kailangan niya pang umalis?
Kaya naman naming ayusin 'to...
"No, Jaxon... Ako naman 'yung pagbigyan mo. Kahit ngayon lang, pakinggan mo ako..."
I looked at her with hope. I tried to reach for her hand again, and this time, she didn't avoid it. "I-I...promise. I swear to God and Jayda...I will listen to you from now on. I will only listen to you...I will be brave...t-tatanggapin ko...kahit sino ka pa.. wala na akong pakialam 'don...j-just please don't leave...babawi ako...I will prove everything...--"
"Tama na." Awat niya. Tears started to fall from her eyes, pero hindi ako nagpatinag.
I squeezed her hand. "I'll do anything. Everything. Kahit ano...I'll listen. Hindi na ako magiging masungit sa'yo. I will let you tell me all of your stories and worries. I'll take care of you...I'll...be with you everyday. Every hour...hindi na ako aalis. It will always be you...I won't promise...pero paninindigan ko. I've learned from my mistakes. Itatama ko na lahat this time. I won't...be doing the same mistakes again...I'll be good...I'll be better for you..." I started to cry. "J-just...please stay...M-Macey...please..."
"Ang sarap-sarap pakinggan...Jaxon..." she cried. Inalis niya ang pagkakahawak ko sa kamay niya bago niya ako tinulak. "Ang sarap paniwalaan...ang gaan sa pakiramdam, pero bakit...ang nasasaktan ako habang pinakikinggan kita?"
I wasn't able to speak. Para akong nanghina. "M-macey..."
"Ang tagal kong pinangarap na marinig 'yan sa'yo, Jaxon...alam mo ba? Sa tanang pagsasama natin, puro kilos lang. Huling salitang narinig ko sa'yo, ay nung pinili mo ako at pinagkakatiwalaan mo ako...inasahan ko 'yun e... asang asa ako, pero sa bandang huli, hanggang salita pa lang."
"Macey...w-wag naman ganito... I know I've done a lot of wrong things, but please...I'll do it right this time..." I tried to say.
"Napaniwala mo ako sa mga kilos mo...iyon pala pinaasa mo lang ako...Okay na sanang wala kang sabihin e. Hindi naman kailangang sabihin 'yung nararamdaman kasi action speaks louder than voice diba? Pero sana naman... 'nung kailangang kailangan kita, nandon ka... "Takot na takot ako nung nagbuntis ako kay Jayda, alam mo ba? Kasi magulo yung sitwasyon non e. Natatakot ako kay kuya, baka saktan niya si Jayda. Akala ko, pipiliin mo kami, pero hindi...Jaxon...nung mga oras na 'yon, hindi ako makatulog... Kailangan kita sa tabi ko, kasi alam kong kaya mo akong protektahan...kahit...kahit assurance lang. Basta alam kong nandyan ka, kakalma ako...pero hindi...tangina..."
I wanted to say that I was there...but I know, I wasn't enough. Wala akong ginawa. I have no rights to defend myself because no matter how and what I say, nasaktan ko pa 'rin siya.
Handa naman ako... na magbago.
"I love you..." I almost whispered. "Please believe that...even if it didn't justify my actions...but I love you..."
She sobbed. "N-nung sinabi ko ba 'yan, nung ipinaramdam ko ba 'yan...naniwala ka ba?" she asked.
"Mace-"
"Sagutin mo ako!" she almost shouted at me. "Kasi, hindi ko matanggap na naniwala ka, Jaxon! Kasi kung naniwala ka, kasi kung mahal mo ako...kahit sino pa...ang magsabi, sa akin ka maniniwala. Sa akin ka magtatanong...kaya tangina...sa tuwing nakikita kita...habang nandito ka sa harapan ko...nasasaktan ako...para akong pinapatay...--"
"Macey don't-"
"Kasi bakit sa dami ng lalaki, bakit ikaw pa? Ang daming taong gustong mahalin sila, pero ikaw, kahit ubos na ubos na ako, ikaw yung pinili ko...tapos sinayang mo lang...ibinigay ko na lang sana sa iba."
"I'm...s-sorry..." I wiped my tears. "I'm really...sorry..."
"Huwag kang humingi ng tawad sa akin...kay Jayda. K-kasi..." she almost can't speak because of her cries. "K-kasi...pati siya...sa lahat...siya 'yung pinaka-nasaktan, Jaxon..."
I was just looking at her, crying.
Her hands moved, and slowly, she removed the ringer on her finger. I stopped her. "No, Macey. Not like this..." I started to sob.
Damn.
Ang sakit.
Sobra.
"Wag mo akong hawakan!" she hissed, finally removed the ring. Kinuha niya ang kamay ko, pero hindi ako nagpatinag.
But then she pushed it to my chest, until it fell on the ground. "Hindi ko na kailangan niyan..."
Pilit kong hinahawakan siya, pero nagpupumiglas siya. "M-macey, please...I'll be good. I'll be better... I'll make up everything to you...I'll be good...please..." My knees gave up on me, and I ended up kneeling as I hugged her waist. "I'll be good...ayusin na'tin 'to...wag...wag ka lang umalis...Macey please...."
Macey stopped struggling against me, and she just weakly crying. Letting me beg.
"Macey, tara na-"
"No!" I shouted. Mas humigpit ang pagkakayakap ko sa kaniya. She just stood there, blankly looking at me. "I'm begging you, Macey...don't leave...Please...I beg you... A-ayusin na'tin... please..."
But I know, the pain and disappointment and anger I gave her was just too much. She already made up her mind.
Adriel and Melmar came into view, pulling me away from Macey. Nagpumiglas ako habang umiiyak. I almost crawled on the floor just to follow her, but Zane and Easton came as well to stop me, and I was too weak to go against them.
She slowly turned her back on me and walked away.
"Macey!" Napaluhod na lang ako sa sahig. "D-don't...please...don't leave..." I sobbed, still begging her. "Wag kang umalis...wag mo akong iwan..."
But then...
She's already gone.
Macey,
Since the first time I saw you on the parking lot, everything became uncertain. I know I'm a kind of guy who's sure of everything. I know my every next move. I don't hold back. I don't doubt my decisions because I think of my every thought through roughly...but when I met you, for a moment...I question myself if I'm doing the right thing. Not that I'm self-bragging to say that I'm a wise man...but when I met you, I started to hold back, and just go with the flow. I started to doubt myself, because something inside me became alive. I started to look forward over something that wasn't part of my routine. I...started to hope to see you even just for a second. I wanted to be surprised again with something uncommon...and that's you.
I saw you holding the drum sticks 'til your heart's content, rushing to meet the sponsor that could help you develop the hospital you build, the day that 'we're on the same mission...helping the sick and being there when I have no one. Things went wrong, and for years, we never crossed our paths and I didn't see you. I totally forgot about your existence, but you've been always around to guide me. I couldn't thank you enough for that... No words can explain...no letters can form a word how I felt inside that operating room...my world is falling apart but you held me tight and didn't let go.
You're always there for me. You keep on reviving me, and your familiarity...the warmth of yours, your sympathetic eyes always kept me curious and wondering. The feeling you left the first time I met you...came rushing back again. The curiosity of why do I have to cover your eyes as I pull the trigger, letting you in inside my unit even though you'll just keep on being stubborn, worrying and being scared for your sake and the urge to apologize whenever I realized that I hurt you with my words. I keep on wandering what would be your next move, and are you going to accept the everyday challenge just to chase me. I keep on asking myself that after all these years, why the fuck I am loosening up over someone? I know my decisions. I know I should lock up myself in the dark because there's where I belong...but you came you save me. There are a lot of questions in my head, and I always ended up thinking that it's because you're always there to give me a bright smile, silly jokes, over-used pick up lines. Because you are Macey. You're always there to feed me and tell me stories so my mind would be distracted by my disturbing thoughts... then I just found out that the woman I was looking for, for a very long time, and you are just one. It's too late to figure things out because I never listened to you. I never trusted you. I never accepted you...my words and actions didn't come altogether at once...and I regret every second of it.
Universe and Fate did give me a lot of signs but I ignored them all...and here I am. I ended up hurting you, destroying you and breaking you. Your bight light that guided me home flickered because of me. You're losing your smile, your laugh...and you're not stubborn anymore. I don't even know what would I do just to make everything up to you. I keep asking myself, why I didn't trust you? Why I didn't accept you? Why didn't I trust your love for me, when all you did was to prove it to me every second that you're with me or not...why didn't I choose you when all you did was to choose me all over again? No amount of sorry would take away every pain I've cause you. No amount of apology would suffice to take everything back what we've lost.
Mace... this is the second time that I'll be saying this, but I know I don't have the rights to say it right to your face because I wasn't able to prove it. I'll just right this down on your notebook, and I'll let the fate decide if you'll be able to read this sooner or later. I'm gonna hide this...
I'm choosing you.
I know it's too late. I know it's not the right time because of the things that is happening between us, but it's always been you. Since day 1...it will always be you. This may not be the right time for me to say I love you, and for us to be together, but I will always be here while you were healing. Hindi kita iiwan.
I will wait for you to heal hanggang sa...
Pwede na.
Hangga't
Pwede pa.
I'll see you tomorrow at the hospital.
BabyBabe Jaxon.
Hold on, I still want you
Come back, I still need you