Naalimpungatan ako nang maramdaman kong may kumilos sa tabi ko. Dumagan ang kamay ni Aaron sa tiyan ko at napaungol ako bigla. Binuksan ko ang mga mata ko at tiningnan ang natutulog niyang mukha. He is so perfect. Every inch of him.
Naramdaman kong nagbabadya na naman ang mga luha ko. Aaron was right. He was so right and I hate it. Hanggang ngayon, siya parin ang laman ng puso ko.
His chest was exposed. Hanggang bewang lang kasi 'yong kumot niya. Naagaw ng CMH tattoo niya ang pansin ko. A tear escaped my eye and I wiped it abruptly.
"I love you still. And it's scaring me," masuyong bulong ko.
Nagulat ako nang unti-unting gumuhit ang isang ngiti sa labi ni Aaron. Nagmulat siya ng mga mata at nagkatinginan kami. Nang matagal.Marahan niyang hinaplos ang pisngi ko. "Don't be scared, Cassidy," mahinang sambit niya habang hinahaplos ang buhok ko.
I'm in Bicol, with the guy I love, while my fiance was in Manila, probably worried to death about me. But here I am, enjoying the morning in my ex's bed.
"For the record, I love you too," anas niya na nakapagpapikit nang mariin. "More than you think I do."
Nahihirapang humarap ako sa kanya pagkatapos niyang sabihin ang mga 'yon. His face was full of sincerity. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. I was trying to think logically, but he makes it so damn difficult.
"Leave Drei," puno ng diin niyang anas.
Napabuntonghininga ako. He eyed me askance before knitting his brows.
"You just told me you love me, Cassidy. Don't tell me itutuloy mo parin ang pagpapakasal sa lalaking 'yon kahit may nangyari sa 'tin," mapait niyang saad.
"Did you plan this?" mapang-akusa kong tanong.
Tumigas ang ekspresyon niya. "Ang may mangyari sa 'tin? No, Cassidy. I did not plan this."
Napasapo ako sa ulo ko. "Aaron, it's not that easy. Hindi ganoon kadaling bitiwan si Drei—"
"At ako madali bitiwan? Ganoon ba 'yon?" Bakas na ang iritasyon at sakit sa tono niya.
"Drei loves me," sambit ko.
Napasabunot siya sa buhok niya at naihilamos ang palad sa mukha. "But I love you! And you love me too!" Frustration was building up on him.
You have to make a choice now, Cassidy. Kung hindi ay mas lalo silang masasaktan.
Na-realize ko na kahit ano ang piliin ko ay meron at meron paring masasaktan. I had to choose. But who am I to point out who I wanted to get hurt?
"I didn't wait years only to watch another man marry the woman I love," malungkot niyang saad bago kinuyom ang palad niya."Why are you so afraid of giving me another chance? Why are you so afraid of taking risks?" mahina niyang bulong.
I wanted to hug him right now but I forced myself not to.
My heart felt like it was being ripped open.
"Naniwala ako kay Aerold agad. It's not that I didn't trust you, it's just that I was so eaten by anger and jealousy that I wasn't able to think clearly. My judgement was clouded and I made rash actions. Iniisip ko no'n kung ano ba'ng kulang sa akin?" Pumiyok yung boses niya.
"So, iniuwi agad kita sa Manila. I was convinced that you cheated. Kasi alam mo naman ang istorya ni Dad at ni Mom 'diba? Mom saw proof of my Dad's infidelity pero hindi niya pinaniwalaan. Sa huli, siya 'yong nasaktan. I was scared that time. Of getting hurt again, of being cheated on, and lied to, so I chose to push you away..."
Tumulo muli 'yong luha sa mga mata niya. Naramdaman ko 'yong pagbalik ng sakit. Hearing his side was not easy. It's making me feel a bunch of emotions I don't quite like.
"I pushed you away but you still chased after me. Kahit ano'ng tulak ko sa 'yo palayo, kahit anong masasakit na salita ang sabihin ko sa 'yo,nand'yan ka parin. And then I found out about your pregnancy. I was so happy at first, pero dahil umiral na naman 'yong pagkagago ko ay pinagdudahan kita. Inisip ko kung akin ba talaga 'yong bata o kay Aerold. I have no excuse for being a dick."
Bumuhos narin ang luha ko at pinilit ko itong punasan gamit ang likod ng palad ko.
"Then there was Melissa. I used her to get even, so that I could get back at you. I was so heartless and I hated myself for that. I just wanted to salvage my pride. Ayokong isipin mong pagkatapos ng lahat ay magkakandarapa parin ako sa 'yo. I told you I will marry you for the baby, but I lied. I wanted to marry you because I fucking love you and not just because you're carrying a child in your womb. Pero naduwag akong aminin sa 'yo na mahal parin kita dahil natatakot akong masaktan ulit. I'm a damn coward when it comes to you and I need not deny that."
"The night of the party, no'ng narinig mo kaming nag-uusap ni Nax, was actually the night I wanted to patch things up with you. Kahit na sinaktan kita at nagduda ako, there is one thing that would always remain constant, and that's my love for you. I tried to run after you pero wala, e, 'di kita naabutan. 'Di ka umuwi sa bahay ninyo. And the next thing I know? I-iniwan mo na 'ko."
Gumaralgal 'yong tono niya. Humarap siya at nagkatinginan ang mga mata naming basa ng luha. Hinaplos niya ang pisngi ko at ginamit ang hinlalaki niya para punasan ang mga luhang naglandas sa pisngi ko.
"Gago ako, Cassidy."
For five years, I took Aaron's right to see our twins grow. For five years, I hid from him because I thought that I was the only one hurting. Hindi ko inisip 'yong mas malaking implikasyon ng pag-alis ko.
I was convinced that he didn't love me. But as I looked at the emotions swirling in his eyes right now, I wish that I should've stayed. I wish that I should've listened to his explanation. I wish I never left.
Hinawakan ko 'yong kamay niya sa pisngi ko at napapikit ako habang patuloy na humihikbi.
I love this guy. I love this guy so much and I don't want to think about other people's happiness right now.
All my life, I've never been selfish. I was never self centered. Inuuna ko ang iba bago sarili ko. Pero ngayon, gusto kong sundin muna ang kaligayahan ko. Gusto kong bigyan ang sarili ko ng pagkakataon na sumaya.
And I would never be happy without this guy in my life. Kahit pala ano'ng gawin ko, hindi ko siya maalis sa sistema ko.
"Cassidy..." marahang sabi ni Aaron bago ako matamang tiningnan. Tuyo na ang mga luha niya.Inilapit niya ang mukha niya sa mukha ko bago bumulong. "Take a risk with me, my love."
Sa totoo lang, alam ko kung ano ang tama sa mali kaya alam kong mali ito. Pero minsan, hindi lahat ng tama ay makakapagpasaya sa 'tin. Sa ngayon, wala na sa utak ko ang kasal namin ni Drei. I will talk to him and ask for his forgiveness when we come back to Manila.It's time for me to let go of these doubts, these fears, these grudges. I will never be truly happy if I will continue pushing the person I love away. I have made my decision, and I hope it's the right one.
"Let's give it another shot." I said.