"I just don't know what to do."
Pausing my steps, I furrow my eyebrows as I hear Declan's voice coming from his room.
"I wish there was something I could do," this time, I hear Ashton's voice which confuses me even more as I wonder what they're talking about. I probably should make my presence known but something inside of me tells me otherwise. I walk up to the door to listen closely before pressing my ear to it.
"I'm fucked."
Silence enters the room and I begin to think the conversation's over. What's happening? Why is he fucked? Is everything alright? I push aside every urge to barge in and press for answers as I silently beg for one of them to speak further.
"I'm going to be by your side, man."
I hear rummaging around the room before Declan speaks up once again, "Ashton you and I both know I'm not making it out of there alive. You saw me trying to do normal things back here, I can barely do anything. I still haven't healed and have no fucking clue how to carry on without an arm."
That's when my heart stops.
He's finally realizing everything I've realized all along. He knows he can't go out to war. Or at least he knows he's not going to make it out alive if he goes out there and he's scared. He's finally realizing the fear that's been eating at me the past few days.
It finally clicked.
Silence crosses once again and I just stand still waiting for Ashton to speak up. I press a hand to the door as if I could comfort Declan from afar.
I don't blame him, he should be scared out of his mind. Throwing himself into a war when he is at the biggest disadvantage of all is the worst thing I could possibly fathom.
"I'm going to do whatever it takes to make sure you and I make it out of there alive, Declan," Ashton's voice says making my heart ache at how sweet he is and how much he cares about my brother. "It sucks but we got to do it. I've got to do it for my mom, Harry, and Lauren and you've got to do it for Lila because if it weren't you, it'd be her."
I freeze at the mention of my name.
It would be me.
It could potentially still be me. Throwing my brother out there with him being so scared, I don't know if I can do that. I feel as if it's beyond selfish of me to let him go out there when I have the power to mark down my name. I could change everything. I could save my brother's life.
"I know, you're right."
I hear the sound of Ashton patting Declan on the back before he says, "We're going to make it out Declan, I'll make sure of it."
A sigh is heard from the room and it doesn't quite sound like one of relief. More like letting out a deep breath and trying to calm down a bit. This doesn't settle the uncomfortable feeling in my stomach at all as I feel sick and so uneasy.
My back presses to the wall, leaning my head back against it in an attempt to catch my breath and keep myself from falling faint right now. I don't know what to say or do as I'm overwhelmed by this conversation. I finally was able to move past the thought of this all for the past few hours but this reminder has made it so much more difficult.
It's horrible listening to Declan come to terms with it all. Knowing he's scared is the most unsettling feeling in the world.
I wait a little longer to see if they'll discuss it any further, but soon I hear the TV turn on signaling the end of the conversation. I'm sure they don't want to dwell on their reality as being home is supposed to be a break from it all.
Due to this, I back away from my door and head back to my room.
I have lots of thinking to do.
I walk into my room and lay out on my bed immediately as I look up to the ceiling. Frustration courses through me as I feel so lost and conflicted and I know there's not a single person I can go to to talk about it. I know every person I talk to will only discourage me from the decision I'm contemplating.
My eyes stare at the ceiling, begging for some sort of sign that will point me in the right direction. I remember my mom used to always tell me whenever you are confused, always look up. The answers are always up. Due to this, I try desperately to search for this as everything inside of me begs for something.
That's what I need; an answer.
I can't let Declan go out there, but if I go out there, I'll have the same fate as he would if he went out.
I won't make it.
I know nothing about fighting except how to hold a plastic gun. That's all it ever was as a kid, plastic guns and knights in shining armor. But in this case, there is no knight in shining armor, and the plastic guns have been replaced with real ones.
This isn't just some game where you have three lives; I have one life. If I go out there, I'll be killed within seconds.
Game over.
There won't be secret alliances like Ashton and I used to always form behind Declan's back. There won't be people who have a soft spot for me like Ashton did as he was always a sucker and would secretly come on my side.
This is the real world. This is real guns, real weapons, real war. Only problem is, I have the power to prevent Declan from going out there. I could go out there and save his life. I could step in and eliminate all of the stress and anxiety I would have as I stayed here and wonder when he'd be home.
My family does need him more than me. They need a man of the house because I doubt my father has much longer. He could step up and take his place. He'd be much more useful than me.
Right?
Getting up from my bed, I walk over to my desk where the sheet of paper lays. I grab the square sheet that's been haunting me and begging me to just make a decision. Every night before bed I stare at it and just silently beg that some random person's name would appear and I could mark that off. But realistically, this is our reality. One of us is going out there.
If I let Declan go out there and he doesn't return, I'll never forgive myself. I won't be able to live with my selfish decision. I'll feel responsible for his death. I'll never move on knowing I could've prevented it and knowing I threw him in that bloodbath, I'll hate myself.
The scared tone in his voice from his conversation with Ashton rings in my head. It's the first time I've ever heard him genuinely scared. He usually is beyond cocky and confident, but I think he's realized just how screwed he is if he goes in there.
He does have the proper training and knows how to act in this kind of situation, but, he trained with two arms. He has no idea how to act in a battle with only one arm. Anyone knows in order to hold a gun you need to have a firm grip on it or it'll shake you and send you backward. How can he have a confident grip on a gun with one hand?
If he goes in unconfident, he's not going to try as hard and accept his fate. I can't let him do that. How can I do that to my brother? I need to have his back as much as he has mine.
Throughout my life, he has always had my back. He has always been there to protect me. He has always been there for me. He has always done whatever it takes to look out for me and maybe this is time for the roles to be reversed.
He's always bent over backward in protecting me and has had my back in everything I do. I need to be able to do the same for him. Even if the circumstances are extreme, it's only fair and it's something I should be willing to do for someone I love.
I need to do this for Declan, because if I don't, it'd be him going out there. I need to look out for him as much as he has done for me. It's time for me to step up and make my family proud.
I glance down at the sheet and hover my eyes over my name.
It's you Lila.
You're the one that needs to go out there. Do it for Declan. Don't be selfish. He loves you enough to put his life at risk for you, so you should be willing to do the same.
I don't let myself dwell on it any further considering I don't want to change my mind. Now that I'm in the proper mindset, I want to do what I know is right. I want to do what I know I need to do. At this point, there is no other option.
Grabbing a pen off my desk, I place the paper down and stare at my name. Mark the box Lila, you can do it. This shouldn't be so hard. If you care about him, you would do this.
I place the pen down on the paper and draw a line through the box next to my name before drawing another one through that. My heart races at the letter I had drawn in the box beside my own name instead of Declan's. A clear X sits in the box next to my name as I stare down at my fate.
No going back now, I did it. I actually did it.
Now I just need to mail-
My heart is sent into an absolute frenzy as I hear my door slam open which grabs my attention immediately. I spot Declan standing in the doorway with an amused smile on his lips as he's clearly entertained by my reaction. Jumping a little at the sudden movement, I grab the paper and hide my hand behind my back as I look at him with wide eyes.
"Jesus, you scared me."
Declan just laughs and says, "Ashton and I are going to go out back, want to come?"
Scratching the back of my neck, I think about the slip of paper in my hand that I so desperately need to send out before it's too late. The last thing I need is them calling the house and Declan answering.
"Uh, I have to go to the post office, I'll come out later."
Declan nods before saying, "Alright, sounds good, just let me know."
He goes to leave making me sigh of relief. Luckily he doesn't question my need to go to the post office as I'd no way be able to come up with a proper excuse.
There's no denying that that was a close one. If he had seen the sheet of paper in my hands, I would've been screwed. I can't even imagine his reaction if he were to see it.
I need to get to the post office and mail this ASAP. There is no shot Declan can know I'm going in his place to war.
____________________________________
Dinner wasn't regular dinner today.
I didn't get the same satisfying feeling as I always do to sit down at the table with my family and indulge in a delicious meal. Today was different.
As I sat down, I looked at everyone and realized this may be one of my last meals ever with my family. Especially considering I sent out the slip already and I know there is no turning back now.
I sat down with a secret no one is to know until I leave. They all carried on with their conversation while I held back something that changes everything. It makes me feel sick sitting here knowing I know something they all don't.
Because of this, I won't be able to formally say goodbye to everyone. When I leave, I know I'm going to have to sneak out. If someone were to catch me, they'd do everything in their power to stop me and make sure it's Declan instead.
Considering pick up is a few blocks down and at around five am, I plan on sneaking into Declan's room and turning off his alarm before running out. If nothing has changed, Declan keeps his passcode simply at 0000 and has always been open about it. Due to this, I won't struggle to get into his phone.
I'm sure Ashton and he have discussed pick up and are planning to meet up. I plan to text Ashton off Declan's phone and let him know he'll meet him on board. This will allow no confusion between the two of them and will prevent Ashton from swinging by the house.
Obviously I know doing this is completely going behind his back and he will be beyond furious at me, but it's what I have to do. It's what I'm willing to do for him.
"What about you Lila?"
Snapping my head up, I look at my mom who looks at me awaiting my response. I look around the room to see everyone else also staring at me. Considering I had just completely zoned out, I have zero idea what she's asking of me.
"Sorry, say again?"
"The Finnegans are having their annual block party this Saturday, you're able to come right?"
Ah, the annual block party. We've been going every year since I was born. My parents always get so excited to go but I've never liked it considering their son Trevor has been trying to get me to sleep with him ever since my looks changed.
He's never been shy about it and has always made repulsive remarks. The parents have even heard and always find it amusing, as opposed to disgusting of their son to do. As a result, I strongly despise the family, but they're my parent's best friends.
I guess that'll be a perk of heading to war. I get to miss the block party.
"Uh, yeah of course."
Ashton looks up from his plate as he sits across from me and shoots me a smile. I'm sure it's because he knows how much I can't stand the family. He probably feels sympathy for me because he thinks I have to go to this party alone. Nonetheless, I smile back at him before looking back down at my plate.
At least I'll have him by my side out there. He'll be my piece of home, and I'll always know if he's okay or not. I get to look out for him as much as he's looked out for me. Except, I know he'll be just as angry as Declan when he finds out I pulled this.
He'll be absolutely furious. The thought is enough to send a shiver up my spine as it's inevitable.
"Barb says you're all Trevor ever talks about," my mom says suggestively as she wiggles her eyebrows.
However, I can't resist the urge to roll my eyes. Trevor is good looking but he's beyond cocky. His favorite act is playing the innocent, sweet, and charming kid in front of my parents.
Because of this, they're desperate to set us up.
"I'm sure I'm not the only girl's name that comes out of his mouth," I mutter as I push my food around my plate with a fork. Trevor will literally call my name as he walks by our house with a different girl under his arm every day just to seemingly make me jealous. Obviously it never works in his favor considering all I see when I see him is a walking STD.
"I think he's very attractive and would be quite good for you," my mom says, raising her eyebrows as she cuts her chicken.
Quite good for me? He's making his dad go out to the war because he claims that he needs to go to college and live like a normal kid. His dad was happy to step up in his place, but it was beyond selfish of him to not even consider representing his family.
"Isn't that the dude who tried to fight you over Annie McDade?" Ashton asks, pointing his fork at Declan. This is enough to make me laugh considering It's true. Trevor tried to steal Declan's girlfriend from him when in reality Annie had no interest in him.
"Yeah, he gave me a black eye for a solid week."
My mom looks shocked by the whole conversation as she furrows her eyebrows and asks, "Trevor? You guys used to be good friends."
"Until I dated Annie McDade," Declan says.
Thank God he dated her and made Trevor as jealous as he was. I couldn't stand seeing Trevor always around the house. Ashton always will be my favorite of Declan's friends, and I don't know what I'd do if they had never become friends.
"I never knew that," my mom says softly.
"This is why Declan should just stick with Ashton," I say in all honesty as I kick Ashton's leg softly. I couldn't imagine Declan bringing home other friends to stay here every day. I genuinely believe that I wouldn't like any of them unless they're Ashton Irwin.
Ashton laughs at this before shrugging his shoulders and saying, "What can I say? I'm a keeper."
He then proceeds to kick my leg back and send me a wink. I stick my tongue out at him before looking away. I love how everything is right now and I really wish it didn't have to change. Once we go off to the war, all this playful, fun behavior is going to end.
Most likely forever.
"I wonder every day how you two haven't ended up together," Declan says, shaking his head and looking between Ashton and I. I'd be lying if I said there wasn't ever a time where I thought Ashton and I would end up together. After all, I've gone through many phases where I've had a strong crush on him. However, with time, that crush has faded away as I've come to terms with the fact that I'd never want a relationship to ruin our friendship.
I couldn't lose him and the relationship has the possibility to making that happen.
"That's a great idea, Declan," my mom says sounding ecstatic as she smiles ear to ear. "Ashton and Lila should date. I would love that."
Giving my mom a look as if begging her to stop she just smirks at me in reply. There's no use in this conversation considering they know Ashton is about to head to war. This is a terrible time to suggest a relationship.
"Nah, I'm unworthy," Ashton says making me look at him.
What I assumed was a joke, proves to be a serious statement by the expression on his face. It's a look of almost disappointment that causes me to give him a look of sadness. Ashton is far from unworthy of anyone. He's the most incredible man I've ever met.
He's Ashton Irwin. The sweetest person in the world, who's unfairly good looking, and would do anything in the world for me. I'm so damn lucky to have him in my life and not a day goes by where I don't think about this.
"Ashton don't say that," I butt in. I don't want him to think he's unworthy of me when the reality is no one in the world is worthy of Ashton Irwin.
He just shrugs in response and puts his hands up in defense. I'm about to argue with him right here and now about how amazing he is but decide against it knowing I could go on and on about him.
"Well, you definitely have my approval," my mom says making me want this conversation to be over ASAP. It just makes me feel uncomfortable, especially due to the timing of it.
"Anyway," I say placing my hands on the table and pushing away. "I'll do dishes tonight, mom, you can go watch your show."
The only reason I really volunteered is solely so she'd be eager to go catch some TV series she's obsessed with. This will cause the conversation to drop and I can focus on absolutely anything else. Usually, she misses the first five minutes or so because she has to clean up, so I figured I'd do them tonight.
"Oh gosh! I almost forgot! I have to go," my mom says wiping her mouth with a napkin and quickly taking off. She leaves me with just Declan and Ashton and I look at all the dishes I have to clean off that will be the last time I have to clean up.
"Have fun with that sis," Declan says standing up from the table. "I'm going to shower."
I glare at him considering his lack of volunteering to help. But hell, I wouldn't either. Who feels like cleaning up dishes? I did put this on myself anyway.
"Thanks for the help!"
Declan just laughs as he heads out of the room like my mom had, leaving me with Ashton ironically enough. Is this some secret plan my mom and Declan conducted?
"I'll help, Lila."
Shaking my head, I stand up from the table before stacking plates on top of each other, "No, you don't need to, I've got it."
Ashton however disregards me and starts cleaning up the table. I'm thankful for this as I certainly didn't want to do this alone. Leave it to Ashton to help me clean up. I should've expected that much from him.
I walk over to the sink and turn on the water before washing off the plates. Ashton joins my side as he empties the food on the plates into the trash can. Neither of us say anything as we listen to the sound of the food being emptied, then the water being run down the plates, and then placed in the dishwasher.
I begin to wonder just why it's so quiet. Usually, we'd be messing with each other and going on and on about whatever. Whenever we do dishes together, he'd chuck food at me, then I'd spray him with the sink faucet and we'd laugh it off.
Ashton and I don't have many quiet moments; both of us never shut up.
I open my mouth to say something, not liking the silence when he is quick to beat me to it, "Lila, what's going to happen between us?"
This question startles me and confuses me more than I can put into words. I want to ask him what he means by this as alarm is in my eyes and I try to make sense of his words. Furrowing my eyebrows, I turn my head to look at him with a confused expression and ask, "What do you mean, Ashton?"
Ashton avoids eye contact as he presses his hands against the counter and looks down, "Once I go out there, I can't promise I'll come back."
Gulping, the words hit me a lot harder than they should. It's clear he and Declan both have come to the conclusion that's been haunting me. They finally understand what I've understood all along. The idea stabs me in the heart. I can't live a life without Ashton Irwin. I refuse to. Losing him would break me.
"You'll come back," I say, not even trusting myself.
That's probably unfair of me to say considering I have no idea what the hell he goes through out there. But soon enough, I will know the obstacles he goes through and the thought makes me sick to my stomach.
"I just... the idea of dying out there doesn't scare me so much," he says, before picking his head up to look at me. "It's the idea of leaving you forever that scares me the most."
I stand there shocked as I let his words sink in and his eyes bore into my own. My heart rate picks up and I feel my heart sink. He knows just how broken I'll be if he dies, and I don't know how I'll carry on. He's my best friend, I can't lose him.
"Hey, you're going to make it out," I say softly, as I move closer to him to grab his shoulders. "You're going to kick ass, represent your family, and come home and I'll be waiting with the biggest hug you'll ever receive in your life."
I cringe at my lie considering he has no idea. Realistically, I'm going to be right by his side out there. Will he ever forgive me? The thought is incredibly taunting because I know he's going to be pissed. There's going to be no way to convince him I did the right thing and that's what scares me the most.
Ashton looks to me with all seriousness in his eyes as he says, "You're going to be my reason to keep fighting, Lila."
His words are shocking to me and his tone is further surprising. I can hear how desperately he needs for me to understand his words as he doesn't let his gaze leave mine which causes my heart to furiously race.
"I'll be waiting," I say just barely above a whisper as I look into his eyes.
There I go again, lying.
He's going to hate my guts. I'm going to be out there, and there's going to be nothing he can do about it.
As my guilt crawls up my body, I feel Ashton wrap his arms around me tightly in order to pull me in for a hug. I don't hesitate to hug him back as this will be one of our last real hugs ever. Soon, I'm going to break his heart.
Who knows when Ashton and I will have another moment like this? If we even ever will have another moment like this. I can't help but feel as if while I'm hugging him, I'm stabbing him in the back with a knife. He has no idea what I'm pulling, and here I am letting him hug me anyway.
Maybe it's my twisted way of convincing myself that this is my apology I'm offering. My apology for what's going to break his heart.
a/n
oo tea
so now yall know where this book be headed
also i want to remind u guys that this IS a luke fan fic lmao he be coming don't worry
lmk whatcha thinking
hope u guys liked! thank u for reading love u all!