"I should've known that we'd be coming down
Right to the bottom where we are now"
6.
STRAIGHT TO THE MOON
TW: SUBSTANCE ABUSE
"I don't want to fucking talk about it! Alright? I can't fucking do it, Emma!" I slam the door like a temperamental teenager and lock it behind me.
"You can do it, Lils! It's hard but you're so much stronger than you think! Everyone deserves to be happy. You deserve to be happy." She yells through the door but it's all a blur, really. I stare at myself in the mirror and all I see is a shell of who I once was. My eyes bloodshot, sunken in. My skin barely has any color to it, my lips cracked and scabbed.
"Pretty fucking naive to think that happiness is anything but a goal only created to give us hope. None of it's real, Emma. What? I'm gonna have a happy ending, huh? There's no such thing! Fuck!" I scream and pull at my hair. It'd been two months since I rejected Harry. Yeah, rejected. I couldn't bring myself to jump into something so soon. I miss him every day, though.
I'll never forget the look on his face when I told him I didn't want to see him ever again. His lips slightly parted, tears spilling down his cheeks. He didn't say a word before walking out and slamming the door behind him. He took a piece of me with him that I didn't even know he had.
"You know what? Fine. You're lucky I still let you live here after the shit you said to Harry. I love you, Lily, but blood becomes before anything. Know your fucking place and read the fucking room." She spits and within minutes I hear the front door slam. They sure do love to slam doors on me.
I can't be here, I physically cannot be anywhere near anything that reminds me of him. I start to apply makeup despite my ridiculous appearance, hoping to make it even slightly more presentable. I get dressed in one of the more revealing dresses I own and some heels. I make my way out of the apartment and down to the lobby. It's completely empty and kind of eerie but I don't mind. Maybe I'm meant to be alone.
I make my way to a nearby club and my heart sinks when I see a familiar set of curls. It's him. Fuck, I'm gonna puke. Maybe I can just avoid him? I can't let him dictate my life simply by existing. This is my fault, after-all. Just keep walking, no problem.
Okay, just one more look.
The bile in my throat rises when I see his hand linked with another. The hand is attached to a woman, a beautiful woman. Be strong, be strong.
"You coming in?" The bouncer speaks over Harry and the woman, to me? My question is answered when they both glance back at me and Harry noticeably stills.
"Uh, yeah. Here." I approach him and show him my ID and he lets me through the door.
I immediately make my way to the bar, sitting on one of the stools. "Two vodka crans, please." I say and the bartender nods. I stare down at my hands and hope to God that Harry and the woman don't walk in.
"Please, just consider it." He steps closer to me, tucking my hair behind my ear.
"I don't think it's a good idea, Harry. This isn't how it's supposed to be." I respond. Nothing I say makes sense but I don't stop.
"How what's supposed to be? What does that even mean? What's supposed to happen, exactly? You marry your abuser and have a couple kids? The abuse doesn't stop when you have a kid or two, Lillian. It gets worse. You choose to put you as well as your children's lives at risk. People can change, yes, but abusers don't." He spits like my words disgust him, or the thought of what he's saying does.
"Here you go." The drinks are placed in front of me and I thank her.
"Lily?" I hear his voice. Lily. It's so juvenile but it stings so bad. I chug the first drink and I savor the aftertaste.
"Hm?" I turn to him and his face softens when he sees me. Maybe he can tell that I've been crying. She stands behind him with a smile and I just want to slap her but I know deep down she is innocent and I have a problem.
"How are you?" He asks, I know he knows the answer.
"Been better." I shrug and down the second drink. I wave the bartender down and hold up a two with my fingers, she nods.
"I don't mean to be rude, Lily this is Nessa. Nessa, this is my friend Lily." He introduces her. Nessa. She's so beautiful and I know she's a sweet girl by the way she greets me with a hand shake.
"Nice to meet you." I choke out, barely audible.
"You too!" She waves her hand happily.
"I've heard so much about you! Thank you for being so good to Harry." She continues and I might actually be sick. This is what I deserve. I treated him like shit.
"I feel as if that would be better than this. I feel so lost, so alone. He was a part of me whether I like it or not. He was bad to me, yes, but he was also so good. He had his days, Harry! This isn't as easy and simple as you make it out to be!"
"So, what? You still love him or something? That's really fucked up, Lillian."
"Of course I still love him, Harry. He was my best friend for four years. Just because he hurt me doesn't mean anything." How could he think even for a second that I wouldn't still love Caleb? We were together for four years. I hate him, yes. But I do still love him.
"You're fucking sick, Lillian. Let me help you." He begins to cry and he clutches onto his stomach like it's going to kill him.
"I don't need your help or anyone else's for that matter! I will be okay! I will be happy! I don't need anyone else but me. You think I want your pity? If anyone is sick, it's you." I scream back and by the end of it my eyes are stinging. "Leave. Fucking leave, Harry. I never want to see you again."
"Yeah, no problem." Is all I can say. Ouch. How long has he been seeing her?
The bartender places the drinks down and I don't hesitate to grab them and stand up. "See you later Harry, Nessa." I duck my head down and disappear into the crowd.
"You're beautiful." A man in the crowd says to me with a wide smile. It's a nice smile but he's no Harry.
"Thank you! Lily!" I shout over the music. I just need a distraction. The vodka burns as it slides down my throat but I welcome it for the third time tonight.
"Beau!" He shouts back. Mm, southern maybe? The accent and the name both sound extremely southern.
"You're not from here are you? The south?" I ask and he nods with a laugh. "I'm not either! Hawaii born and raised."
"That's much cooler than me! Tennessee." He laughs and I will admit it is a wonderful sound. "Want to dance?" Do I?
"I-.." I trail off. He's here with someone else. Be happy. "Yeah, I do." I drink my last drink and rush to return the glasses. He follows close behind me and I'm super intimidated to say the least.
We make our way back to the dance floor and he grabs me by the waist, moving his body with mine. Our hips sway to the rhythm of the music and maybe it's the alcohol but I'm actually having a great time. He tells me about how he ran away to New York to stray away from his conservative family because there was no way in hell they'd follow him here. We laugh and talk the night away, our movements don't stop.
"Want some?" He asks me, flicking a little bag between his fingers. I've never done drugs but I'm no stranger to them. My dad's sister was an addict and overdosed when I was thirteen. Her drug of choice was heroin but she used coke on the side, of course.
"Uh, yeah?" It comes out more of a question and I think it's definitely the alcohol talking. I know sober me would know better and tell this man to fuck off.
"I've also got my dab pen if thats more you're speed." He presses himself against me and I groan.
"Both." I whine, turning to face him. He scoops from the bag onto his finger and uses his free hand to pull my bottom lip down. He swoops the powder onto my gums and they are quick to go numb.
"More." I cry out, he obliges.
I just want to feel okay again.
"You're so sexy." He coos when I hit his dab pen. Fuck, I'm so fucked up.
"I'm horny." I cry and my words confuse me. I most definitely am not.
"I think I saw a bathroom somewhere around here?" He pulls me by my waist and I actually begin to freak out. Everything is a blur and I just want Harry.
"I.. I don't think I can walk." I mumble and he lifts me over his shoulder.
"What the fuck are you doing with her?" His voice booms over the music. I'm so.. lost. I feel so.. good? The room is spinning.
"Relax, she's my girl." Beau yells back to him. This should be good.
"Considering that she's mine I think that's a fucking lie." Harry responds and the butterflies in my stomach erupt.
"Harry?" I cry out but he doesn't respond. "Harry!" I yell but it comes out as a whisper.
"Lillian!" He responds. "Put her down you sick fuck." Harry yells and my heart swells. I miss him.
"Relax, dude, she came on to me. She can't walk." Beau scoffs and sets me on the ground. My head thumps against the floor and my legs are so... uncomfortable.
"Ow."
"I highly fucking doubt that. Fuck, she hit her head! Just fucking go, George Straight." Harry spits and I want to laugh at his poor attempt of an insult but I can't.
"Oh my god! Harry! Is she okay?" I hear her, Nessa. I hate that she's so fucking beautiful.
"I don't know, I think she's really fucked up Ness." The sting keeps coming. I love you.
"What?" Harry looks at me with his eyebrows furrowed. "Can we get some fucking room? Back off!" He yells at the curious bystanders. "Lillian, what did you say?" He holds my face in his hands, inches away from me.
What did I say?
"Tired." I whimper, "Hurts."
"What hurts? Lillian, what hurts?" He's begging me now. I wish I could talk more but it's taking everything in me to get out these already sputtered mumbles.
"Heart."
"What the fuck? Is she overdosing, Harry?!" She squeals and I want to laugh again. It's not funny, more ironic than anything.
"Go get Patrick, now!" He yells and she runs away. Who the hell is Patrick?
I'm so terrified right now but all I feel is numb. I just want to be close to him.
"Harry." I cry out. I have to know, I have to ask. I use nearly all of my energy by asking the question I've been dying to know. "Is she wonderful?" Is this what it feels like to die?
"What? Who? Nessa? That's my mates wife, Lillian." He says and I feel a million pounds lifted off of my beaten and broken heart.
"I love you." I cry out and everything blurs. "Miss you."
"Lillian, don't go to sleep. Please Lillian, stay awake!" He yells in my face but it all starts to fade. "Where the fuck is the ambulance?" His accent is thick and his voice is booming through the large room.
When I wake up there are small rhythmic beeps and bright white lights. "Harry?" It comes out as a whine.
"Fuck, Lils." Naomi. "She's awake! Harry! Go get her dad! Nurse!" Dad? Daddy?
My eyes fully open and I take in my best friend in front of me. She looks exhausted, beaten to whits. Her hair is in a bun and she is dressed in a hoodie and sweatpants. "Harry?" I call again. I just need to see him.
"He's coming, Lils. Your dad is here, too." She says and I realize that this means Harry and my dad have indeed met.
"Lily?" My dad walks into my hospital room and Harry soon follows suit.
"Daddy? I thought you couldn't fly?" My voice is so hoarse and I have a raging headache.
"I thought you were dying, Lily. Don't ever scare me like that again, please." He speaks harshly but his eyes soften when they meet mine. "You know your aunt died from ODing, right? When Naomi called me saying you were hospitalized for drugs, I lost it. I got on the first flight I could and I've been here ever since." Ever since?
"How long has it been?" I ask, afraid of the answer.
"Four days." Harry says and Naomi and my dad both look at him. I look at him for the first time since I've woken up. I really, really look at him. He looks just as worn down as Naomi. I really do tear down everyone around me.
"I like him. Keep him. Your best boyfriend yet, I think." My dad teases me and my cheeks flame. What did Harry say?
"Thanks, dad." I smile and admire the people around me. "Is Emma still mad at me?" I ask Harry.
"No, she's been worried sick. She feels so bad. She stays here every night." My chest tightens and my heart drops. "She's at work right now." He says although I already knew that. Nobody works more than Emma Vaught.
There's a knock at the door and a nurse walks in with her cart. "I'm just going to take your vitals, the doctor will be in soon." She says and I nod. My face scrunches and I close my eyes tightly when she opens another IV site to take my blood. I'm not the hugest fan of needles. Within seconds Harry is by my side and he grabs my hand. I try to relax and his small gesture eases me.
"You did great." He speaks softly after the nurses departure. I want to talk to him so bad but when exactly is the right time?
"We'll give you guys a minute." My dad says and it makes nervous knowing he sees whatever sparks are flying. Naomi has a smirk on her face and she snickers as they leave and my dad's laugh follows suit.
"I love you too." He says and lets out a large breath like he had been under water. "I missed you every day, Lillian. I was always bugging Em, asking how you were. You have no idea what you do to me. Nessa is my mate's wife, I swear." To know he felt the same as I in my loneliest moments is comforting.
"You were holding hands?" I say softly. It comes out as a question and his smiles softly.
"We were waiting for Patrick. It was night in New York City, Lillian. Was just helping protect her."
That does make sense. I remember how Harry insisted that it was not safe for a woman to walk alone anywhere, much-less the city.
"Oh, yeah. Sorry I jumped to conclusions."
"I was so scared, I was yelling like a madman. You said your heart hurt and you passed out. I thought you died." My heart hurts for him.
"I don't remember my heart hurting?" I try to remember the night but it's a blur. "I was just upset, that's all I remember feeling. I was numb."
"I dunno." He says and looks down at his feet.
"Lay with me?" My voice is small but the response I get ignites my whole body. That damned smile; it's spread ear to ear and he practically jumps in beside me. "I missed you, too. I think I lost a part of myself that I won't get pack. I don't mind it, though. I went from hurting to feeling... nothing. What hurt the most was seeing you with Nessa. I thought.." The thought of him with someone else almost breaks me in half.
"I know, baby." He coos and pulls me close.
"I do love you, Harry Styles." I do. "I'm sorry I keep hurting you."
-
Word count: 2807
I hope this chapter makes up for how uneventful the last was. Love you guys.<3