It's me again! Another update within the period of two days which is unusual for me. So the song of the chapter is "Bring it Back" by Shawn Mendes. If you've heard this song then you probably know what's going to happen in this part, if not then I suggest you listen to it whilst reading this. Any who enjoy my lil blueberry muffins. Love you lots!♡
~ Liv (:
*Olivia's P.O.V*
What am I doing to myself? Why am I bloody doing this? Why have I ever done this to myself? I hurt... So fucking much. I'm so confused. I promised not to drink or hurt myself. I'm mentally hurt though. Why was I brought into this cruel world? Why am I one of the unlucky ones in life where nothing goes right. Not. One. Tiny. Thing.
I lean up from lying beside Matt and perch my legs over the side of the bed. Deep breaths... Just count to 3...2...1...
Matt then stirs causing me to jump up instantly so he doesn't feel me weighing down the bed due to my position. I need a minute... Or an hour... Or a day. My feet are now directing me out of the room and downstairs to sit in the living room. Damn the creekieness of them! I shake off any thoughts and carry on before reaching the warm and comforting room. It's the first room I went to in this house.
As I sit down on the floor I notice April's English project for school, entitled "My mum, the strongest woman alive". I'm not strong, I'm really not. I'm a pathetic excuse of a human and I always have and will be. I flick through it to see an old photo of Matt and I from when we first dyed our hair blue together. Twelve years on and I still remember the happy atmosphere of the room. At the end it reads "My mum is back for good and I love her so much..." I'm weak. I'm crying. I'm crying so damn hard. My daughter whom I love so much. I throw it to the corner of the room before closing the door and leaning against so I can sob without anyone hearing me. Would anyone care if they did? Probably not. I'm just an outcast, carcrash of a twenty- nine year old alcoholic who just drinks everything away. I'm daring to go along with my plan so I better pull myself together and get ready.
I stand and walk over to my suitcase, that Taylor kindly brought over for me from the hotel I was staying at. Jamie's sleeping in the room I was in.
I rummage around and find what I want. A notepad and pen. What about April? Oh damn. This is a lose-lose situation. No. Okay. You can do this. I start to scribble on the paper.
Dearest Matt,
By the time you have read this, I am already gone. Yes, I'm sorry but I am. See, when I left you for the first time it was because we had no spark. And when I returned around a week ago and saw you I thought we had found it again. But, we have not. You know how you just dated Alessia because you felt empty? Well, karma's a bitch as that's what I've been doing to you. I'm sorry, but it's the truth and I've been brought up not to lie, even though I have been all this time. I was lost and confused. I was head over heels in love with, and still am in love with Jamie. I have been for a while now. I came to you as Jack and I were having so many flipping problems, and as Jamie was uncertain on what he wants.
About a week ago someone told me something that made me laugh. They told me if they stop you half way through a conversation and tell you that they love you, then they're yours for life. At first, I laughed and they told me to go and think about it. So I did, and the more I let it sink in I discovered it was probably true. Why did I believe a love 'rumour' that someone told me? It's because somebody told me that they loved me out of thin air. And I am so sorry that they told me they loved me and care. I truly am. But I love them too and I always have. I've just been denying my feelings for so long now. They asked me if I would be theirs and... I will.
Maybe I've known you for longer, but quantity means nothing. It's just a worthless little number in human life. Jamie and I are very strong together, as you saw when we first all got together at the cafe on set. Sure, it just looked like flirting with a married man, but it was more than that. It was showing we loved each other without having to say it. And I don't believe either one of you and I love the other as we have no real way of showing it without saying it. I'm sorry I lead you on and made you believe we were going to get married for real this time.
Just please, do me one thing. One favour. Don't come and find me...
Look after April.
Yours Liv. X
Gees, it's actually happening and hopefully for the better this time. I put it on the coffee table under his mug full of a cold mocha. One last thing to do. I staunter up to my little angel's room and peek through the door to see her sleeping. I walk over and kiss her forehead. You're gonna hate me, but Matt is a great dad. I wish I could stay, but I can't my darling. I'm so sorry.
My voice croaks as I say my last ever words to her, "Mummy loves you."