''Rachel?'' I call out, my hand resting on the wooden surface of the door. I glance down at my phone, a message from Kori asking if I could go with Rachel to a firework display tomorrow night, Christmas Eve. That's the reason I'm here now. To ask her if she'd like to go.
She doesn't respond.
''Rach? Are you okay?'' I listen intently for any sound, and I can make out a soft weeping, almost as silent as the pitter-patter of the rain on the windows. As the door opens, I can't see anything at first. Everything is covered in a thick blanket of darkness, the only light coming from the window, a delicate layer of moonlight resting on the shape of a petite, shuddering body. ''Oh my god, Rach, what happened?''
I rush towards her, embracing her trembling figure as she cries silently on the fabric of my t-shirt.
''I'm — I'm sorry,'' she chokes out into the crook of my neck. I whisper words of comfort into her ear, letting her release her emotions.
''I'm sorry,'' Rachel repeats again, as she leans back from the hug, the moonlight enhancing her features: her eyes tinged with tears, but almost ethereal, gleaming in the lustre.
''What on earth are you sorry for?'' I tell her, and she almost immediately darts her eyes downward, avoiding my eye contact. ''There's no need to apologise, we all cry, we all feel sad, and upset, and feel like we are sorry for things we can't explain. What happened?''
Rachel opens her mouth, and then closes it again, trying to form some words or explanation.
''Was it what I told you to say earlier today?''
She nods, looking lost as ever. Lost in thoughts.
''What was stopping you?''
''I — I just couldn't do it. I really wanted to say it, but it was — well, I saw.''
''You saw?'' She grips my hand as she says her next words.
''I saw — I saw me. My body. The first time with clear eyes. It was like someone had taken a blindfold off my face. I finally saw it — it all. The pain I have caused myself.''
''Do you — do you think you can eat again?'' She focuses on something near her desk, a tear falling.
''I — I really, really want to, Gar.'' She inhales, her voice shaky. ''I want to but I feel so empty. I feel like I have nothing left to give. I have nothing. No willpower. No hope, not anything. That's how it feels now. On the roof, when you explained what to do as my first steps, I felt so full of hope. I felt like it was possible, that I could slowly learn to love myself. But — but then — it just all came crashing down.'' She begins to sob again, forcing oxygen into her body to keep her going. ''I feel like I'm never progressing. That I'm staying in one place. Like I'm looking up at a huge flight of stairs, walking up and up for hours, until I realise that when I take a step, a new step is made, like a never-ending staircase. There is nowhere left to go.''
''I know exactly how you feel. I used to feel like that —'' I think of my parents and the night of the fire — ''and sometimes I still do. Sometimes I think it would be better just to delete all the sad memories, just to forget all the hurt and pain from the past.''
''To undo everything,'' she whispers.
''But if we deleted all the negative memories, we wouldn't be who we are today. You may not think you have improved, or got better, but to me, you have, Rach. You are a different person to who you were yesterday. And the day before that. Every day, something new has been achieved. For one, you've learnt to open up. I remember you would always tell me that you were fine, and I knew you weren't but I didn't probe any further. Now, you've grown and been able to explain things, to get your emotions out, to feel.'' I go back to the original question I asked. ''So — if I give you a little food, will you try and swallow?''
''I will try, I promise.'' She smiles, a few stray tears still gliding over her pale skin.
But she smiled.
A smile that is the beginning of something.
The beginning of happiness.
Thank you so much for reading this chapter! I need a bb. Like asap. He's amazing. I hope you enjoyed this little chap, and I might update tomorrow or the day after. Comment down below any thoughts, and if you are enjoying the story so far, make sure to press the star to vote. Thank you for all your support!