Title: Started with a Project
Author: Stormsly
Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9
Summary: 3/5
Your summary took so many turns that I was not expecting, and I genuinely was hooked by it. We start pretty mundane, and then, bam, a kidnapping is mentioned and we're talking about a nuclear death of two million people. I like how you link it back to starting with a simple project, as that's a nice reference to the title as well.
I do wish there was more cohesiveness in your summary. Like, where did the two million deaths come from? What does the love triangle have to do with anything? How does she get pulled in? It just feels like ideas are being spread on a page and there's no clear tie between any of them.
Additionally, your summary needs a lot of polishing. Here are some examples:
...with Calvin Collins, An former psychopath...
It should be:
...with Calvin Collins, a former psychopath...
As well as:
2. Her getting numerous times almost kilt.
To make it more fluent, consider:
2. Her nearly getting killed numerous times.
Grammar: 1.5/5
This is probably where you need to focus on the most. While your story was pretty easy to read, there were consistent grammatical errors scattered throughout your chapters. Let's go through them, shall we?
"Omg, Omg, Omg, we have that baby project today! Maybe I might get partnered up with Calvin!!"Said Giana my bestie.
First of all, only capitalise letters for a proper noun or the beginning of a sentence. There should also be a space between the dialogue and the tag, and since the punctuation at the end of the dialogue is not a full-stop, the 'said' should not begin with a capital. Additionally, for fluency, you're missing a comma. With all those fixed, it should look like:
"Omg, omg, omg, we have that baby project today! Maybe I might get partnered up with Calvin!" said Giana, my bestie.
Another example:
I couldnt possibly be with Calvin.After all what he did to Logan, I cant stand him.
You are missing apostrophes in the contracted words, and a space after the period. It should be:
I couldn't possibly be with Calvin. After what he did to Logan, I can't stand him.
Next, tenses. Your tenses shift back and forth between past and present tense. Here's an example:
Her eyes water and she asked: "Are we over?"
If we break that down:
Her eyes water... [water = present tense]
...and she asked... [asked = past tense]
You need to ensure that your tenses are consistent.
Finally, let's talk about dialogue tags. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:
"Uh, first of all I brought this for you." He said.
It should be:
"Uh, first of all, I brought this for you," he said.
Characterisation: 2.5/5
Okay, so I do like Lizzie's narration quite a bit. I like her bits of humour – even when she's overhearing those two shady guys who are awfully suspicious and are literally trying to kidnap her, she's all like, "These guys really need to work on keeping their voices down." Those touches of humour are great, and makes her an engaging protagonist.
Calvin, on the other hand, I had strong opinions about. Like, when he saw Ryan and Aubrey (his girlfriend at the time) making out, I just thought it was cruel of him to date someone for close to no reason, to call her plastic like that. He did have funny moments, of course, like saying Belle from Beauty and the Beast essentially fell in love with IKEA dishes.
However, I think the issue was that there's a disconnect in his narration. Let's go back to that moment where he sees his girlfriend and Ryan making out, and then, bam, his fist just collides. How about you slow down the moment for the reader? Let us feel his anger, let us understand why he would punch Ryan, and let us feel that transition of emotions. That will make him more engaging and real for the reader.
Speaking of Aubrey, I was pleasantly surprised by how you handled her character – she didn't follow the stereotype that the other characters seemed to follow. She shows a sympathetic side, and doesn't join in on the horrible stereotypical mean girl gossiping that we say in that dodgeball chapter. Also, the interaction between Lizzie and Maven Snape Jackson regarding his name? Hilarious. Any literature freak would love him just from that, so I guess we should be happy that he and Lizzie worked out? I feel like there's more to that dilemma, though.
Make sure you're showing and not telling. I'll talk more about why your characters weren't as rich as they could have been in the next section, but part of it lies in you telling instead of showing. We can boil it down to the small examples, such as:
"WHAT?!" a very mad Aubrey asked.
We can already see that she's mad by the capitalisation – no need to tell us. Additionally, considering showing us that she's mad instead; this makes each character branch out, as they may have different ways of responding to the same emotion.
Writing Style: 2/5
You have a lot of dialogue, and it's usually pretty entertaining, which is great. You also had nice moments of repeition – I loved the way 'Remember what he did to Logan' was repeated in that first chapter, almost like a pulse. It was effective and added depth to the writing.
But overall, your story lacks description of both setting and people. I sometimes know basic eye colour and hair colour, but that's it with characters. And as for setting, there is minimal of it. I really encourage you to slow down your pace and sandwich some narration in between the dialogue. What do the areas smell like? Look at? How does this contribute to the mood?
And use figurative language. Metaphor, simile, personification – these are all tools that writers should use within their writing to make it more immersive, personalised, and overall engaging for the reader.
Also, your sentence structure is incredibly repetitive. For example, here are some sentences from your story, all found side by side:
I had a black duffle...
I stepped out of my...
I had to park three...
I was three...
All sentences, in a row, start with the I [verb] [the rest]. It becomes repetitive and jarring to read, so I recommend adding colour to your writing by mixing up the way you structure your clauses. Subordinate clauses and conjunctions are great tools to use here!
Plot + Originality: 3/5
There were some really good things happening in your story. I really liked the concept of the Collin's Empire vs Jackson's Company Inc, and how that basically echoed throughout the entire story from beginning to end.
I also liked the little cyclical moments that happened – like Carlos asking Mrs Piper in both the first chapter and the final chapter if she got a boyfriend (and she finally did, even if it was by a dumpster!). Those little easter eggs are quite cute to read, and give the reader a nice feeling of satisfaction and resolution.
However, I found a lack of realism regarding the main concept. Okay, so, hear me out. These are high school kids – albeit, seniors. And there's a baby project. These kids, who are still minors themselves basically, are being given an apartment ten minutes away from the school, a credit card that has $1000 on it, and a real child. And in the case of some characters, they have to look after five kids between five months old and five years old.
I know it's fiction, but to a point, it has to be believable. This is, unfortunately, not quite reaching it for me. There has to be ethics involved, and because of the lack of description, I have no idea how the school can even afford such a project – there's no description on what the school is like, so I have no idea how authentic the project is.
So, slow down the pace. Flesh it out. And maybe the realism will pull through, then.
OVERALL SCORE: 12/25
Overall, lots of charm and humour in your story! Make sure you work on polishing your punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps.