"Thanks for coming over." I softly thank Michael, who sat on the floor adjacent to my bed. He had been wearing a beanie, since he had went too far on a particular dye and his hair was not "presentable". He nods, accepting my gratitude.
"Anything to help. I know you must be feeling like shit." Michael mentions. I had called him right after Ashton left, because he was going to investigate more about Jenni and if she's telling the truth. A part of me thinks that Ashton knows more than he is saying, but I brush the thought off because I completely trust Ashton with a situation like this.
I didn't say a word to him on the phone, since the moment I dialed with trembling hands and shaky breath, he instantly knew I found out. It was pretty late, on a school night of course, but I could not bear to open a book or have the thought of school cross my mind.
"Calum," I spoke up, "A father." I was baffled, that being all I could say in the last half an hour we spent in silence as I tried to my best not to break down because I am sick of feeling my chest cave in and my lungs burn as every part of my being crumbles into nothing.
Michael sighed heavily, nearly as shocked as me. He opened his mouth, but quickly closed it, knowing that anything he could say wouldn't help at this point.
"Me and him talked about having kids once." I turned to lay on my back, staring at the ceiling. "Not now of course. I want to graduate high school, university, have a decent stable job ." I sighed feeling my throat shrink, closing air from traveling.
"He was going to continue to the band with you guys. You guys would make it big and I'd probably be some big time social activist making sure kids in Africa have clean drinking water. We'd meet again, maybe in some crappy coffee shop in the UK, because it's one of his favorite places to visit. I'd order tea at a coffee shop, with milk and sugar. He'd probably order his coffee black because he doesn't have me there to remind him that he takes it with cream, two sugars. We'd get our orders. I'd noticed that he finally has facial hair."
Michael chuckled at my comment, granting me a moment to laugh as well.
"He'll offer to buy me another tea, reminding me that I only like brown sugar because during my years of adolescence, I kept him up for hours rambling about the hard labour that occurs in South America to make your cheap, unhealthy white sugar. We'd sit and catch each other up on life. I would laugh until my stomach found itself aching as he tells me ridiculous stories about you guys on tour. Hopefully you won't be bald by then. He'd ask about me, and I'd tell him I live in a tiny apartment, because I'm always traveling. I would have probably had a boyfriend named Ryan, who I dated for three years, after meeting him on a mission in some third world country. Ryan asked me to marry him, but I said no because I knew that I had still loved Calum, wherever he may be in the world. Ryan would have made a wonderful husband, to someone who deserved him. Someone one who accepted the fact that he cared more astronomy than if the house were clean, or that he had to have take out 3 times a week even though he complains about being broke. But I wanted someone who completely gets me, who I mesh with. Someone like -"
"Calum." Michael cut me off from my rambling session. I found my head spinning, catching my breath as I just spoke about the future, and how content I would be if that had happen. If 24 year old me, was sitting in a worn down stool, across from Calum, and I would fall for him all over again, like I had when I was seventeen.
And a part of me hopes he'd fall for me again too.
"Yeah, the future seemed brighter nearly a year ago. Before everything happened." I looked over to Michael, who had a scar above his eye that had faded a bit since the accident.
Before the accident, before our breakup, before Jenni, before all of it, everything was fine. But all I'm holding onto is bittersweet memories that pains my head and leaves a stale taste in my mouth.
"Your whole story is actually making me in the mood for some coffee." Michael said, "We can go get some."
I quickly wipe the brim of my eyes, which I felt were watering up. I nodded, accepting Michael's offer.
"You know, I didn't know that about white sugar. Totally transition to brown now." Michael mentions, helping to me pull up from the bed. He leaned on the door frame of my room as he waited for me to slip on some shoes and grab a jacket, since it was incredibly chilly.
"The closest coffee shop is like a mile away Mikey." I mentioned, grabbing my house keys and slipping them to back pocket of my jeans, which now had a hole because of them and paint stains from when I helped Calum repaint his room.
"I know." He replied, licking his dry lips that quickly became chapped when the brisk air hit them. "I'm not going to pressure you in a car, since you have trouble going in one since the accident."
I looked at him as he happened to continue to look straight ahead of him. He soon caught onto the fact that I was staring at him, confused as to how he knew that.
"Calum told me." He finally says, digging his hands deeper in his pockets, since he isn't a huge fan of gloves. "Besides, I'm not too fond of motor vehicles as well." He admits, which both saddens and comforts me.
We walked in silence for a while. I watched as the hot air from our mouths merge with the cold air from outside, making the smokey like substance. Michael kicked a rock around, which he did so often, and the sound of his shoes scratching the pavement was the only thing omitting me from my thoughts.
"You should talk to him." Michael broke the silence. "I know it's a lot to take in, but you should talk to him."
I shook my head, knowing if I began to talk, I would possibly cry. "I'm fine. I don't need to talk to him." I choked. My fingers latched tightly onto the brim of my jacket as I began to shiver.
"You're not fine Scarlet." Michael replies, using my full name rather than the nickname that had been coined to me by Luke in grade seven. "You say this now, but you're not. I know you're not."
I shook my head once again. "I'm fine. I'm as fine as fine gets."
I knew I was lying, and so did Michael, but I wanted to brush the thought of having to talk to Calum, or Calum in general for that matter, for at least an hour. Michael smacked his lips, knowing that there was no point of convincing me. I was surprised, since normally he'd put up a fight until he successfully persuaded me, but he kindly backed off.
We had finally reached the coffee place, which was dimly lit and had roughy six other people in it. Before we could enter, a familiar jeep, had pulled up right in front of us. They honked, trying to get our attention, which they did. I quickly turned to see the window rolled down and a familiar smile smiling towards my direction.
"You two look very cold." Mali shouts out, lowering her music from some local indie band that many did not know about. I grinned at her.
"Yeah, we're fine though Mali." I told her, my hand already on the steel knob to enter to coffee shop.
"Scarlet wait!" Mali called out. I looked over to Michael, who was leaning on the entrance of the place, gesturing with his head for me to go talk to her. I huffed, knowing she was probably going to mention Calum and that was the last thing I wanted to talk about. I turned to face her, folding my arms into my chest to not seem phased by anything she was going to say.
"Come in the car so we can talk, it's cold." She offered. I shook my head, a bit offended that she was asking me to get in the car when she was the first to find out I cannot go in one. "It won't move, I promise." She assured me.
I glanced over to Michael, who gave me an assuring nod. He prompted himself up, walking towards the car in order to comfort me. I knew that if he was going in, that would be fine for me to as well.
Hesitatingly, I walked over to her maroon colored jeep and opened the car door. I took a long breath before stepping in and an even longer one when closing the door. I looked in the mirror to see Michael right behind me, giving me a smile to make sure I was okay.
"If this is about Calum -" I began, but quickly stopped at the sound of the car doors locking. "What the hell Mali?!" My whole body became alert. I moved strands of my hair behind my ear in order to look completely at her.
Her body tensed up, radiating immense guilt as she started the car engine, and my heart began to beat faster. I grabbed onto the handle, pushing my body onto the door to try to open it.
"Child lock is on." Michael mentioned, gulping loudly. I swiftly turn in my seat to face him. "Michael what the hell is going on?!"
From the corner of my eye, I saw Mali's hands clench onto the steering wheel.
"Don't you dare start driving!" I demanded, the car getting warmer the heavier I breathed. I banged on the car door, yelling at the both of them.
"Get me out of this damn car!" I shouted. Mali shook her head, being defiant.
"I'm sorry Scarlet." she apologized, the car moving slightly. I banged on the door some more, and then into the glass, risking a few cuts if it meant breaking the window. Michael looked down at his hands, catching his breath as Mali started to drive.
I felt like I was losing my mind.
"Let me out! Let me out of this damn car Mali!" I screamed, feeling my body shake and my eyes water. I screamed for what seemed like forever, and I broke down as I tossed my body around, begging to escape the car.
"LET ME OUT OF THIS CAR NOW!" I screamed, my throat burned. My body felt elsewhere, giving up the fight to escape the car.
I turned to look at Michael, whose eyes brimmed of a soft red. He couldn't dare look at me, knowing that seeing me like this only made him feel worse, on top of the fact that he disliked cars as well. I saw his nails digging into the leather of the seats, mumbling words to himself.
I throw my head on the chair, kicking around, throwing a tantrum. I looked outside the window, noticing that we are driving towards the Hood residence.
"I hate you." I snapped at Mali, who gulped harshly. "I hate you so god damn much. I don't want to talk to your stupid brother so will you kindly let me out of this fucking car!" I yelled.
The car quickly halted, sending my body forward. The familiar movement made me nauseous, a vivid reminder of the accident and the sensation of the car flipping over the side of the road. She unlocked the doors, allowing me to step out of the car and finally get some fresh air.
My arms clenched around the sides of my stomach as I kneeled over the nearest tree, feeling like puking. My face was still warm from tears, my eyes weary and extremely sticky from my makeup.
I felt someone touch my shoulder, making my flinch away. "Don't fucking touch me." I snapped, turning to see Michael.
"I-I'm sorry" He tried apologizing, even though he knew it would not help. "That was the only way to get you over here to talk to Calum." He pointed in the direction to the boy in a wheelchair, waiting for me to walk over and talk.
"Fuck you." I swore to Michael.
"Scar -"
"No, fuck you!" I shouted to Michael.
"Fuck you." This time directed to Calum, who was wheeling his way towards me. Michael backed away, walking towards Mali, who stood behind the car, shaking her head and blaming herself. I stormed over to Calum, looking down at him.
"Screw you!" I cried out, hearing my voice crack at the end, making me feel helpless.
"Scarlet, I'm sorry." he spoke softly.
"No! No, no, no! Calum you just don't get to do that! You can't just summon me whenever you feel like it so I could sit here and listen to how you knocked up one of your hookups!" I spat at him, my whole body heating up in contrast to how cold it was out here.
"I know." he stammered on his words, a lump emerging at the bottom of his throat.
"No, you don't. How -" I paused, gathering my thoughts. I inhaled sharply, biting the insides of my mouth to avoid a sob from escaping my lips.
"You got Mali to stick me inside of a fucking car you asshole. You know what that does to me, and for what?! So we could talk about how Jenni was filled with your man juices one night and is now baring a mini Calum Hood?!" My words spurred out venom, hitting every point that could possibly hurt Calum.
His jaw tighten as he looked away from me. I could feel myself getting angrier with ever second that passed by.
"How long did you know?" I asked, wanting some answered. He remained silent.
"How long did you know?!" I repeated, much louder this time, causing him to flinch in his chair. He still couldn't answer me, causing me to let out a furious chuckle.
"Look at me ! " I demanded, more furious than ever. He slowly turned, his head but his eyes never gazed into mine.
"Wow. You'd think you'd be smarter. Maybe, I don't know, use a condom. Or pull out on time, but of course now we know how badly that has backfired on you. I didn't even know you and Jenni were like that." I shook my head at him. My lips quivered and I felt another wave of tears find its way to leave my eyes and stream down my face. And they spoke loudly of two emotions, anger and hurt.
"Was she good Calum? Was she a nice lay? Did she ride you so well and rough till your head exploded and her name quickly fell out of your mouth while merged with a moan? Or did you pound into your little fluffer hard enough so the thought of me was no longer etched deeply into your memory?!"
"You're being disgusting!" He finally shouted at me.
"Oh I'm disgusting?" I quickly spat back.
"And petty!" he added on
"Oh, yeah. I'm the petty one." I replied.
"And jealous."
"What else am I supposed to be!" I yelled at him. We both looked at one another. His eyes speaking of regret and mine probably of hurt, but we didn't dare look away, because we knew that they told more of how we felt that we could physically put into words.
"I play our relationship in my mind over and over again like a movie helplessly stuck on loop. We meet, we fall in love. We can't keep ourselves away from each other, it's meant to be. We'd make love because we were in love. And we'd buy a nice little house and have tons of kids. We were supposed to grow old with each other. But for some reason, that not how it ends. I don't know how it ends. It's just me standing here wishing to be with someone who makes my heart skip a beat but also sticks daggers in it. When are we ever going to get our happy ending? "
I broke down harder than I had before, gasping and allowing him to see me crumble in front him. I felt so vulnerable, so weak.
"It will get better. Scarlet, I promise it will." He spoke to me, clearing his throat.
"Don't." I quickly, but gently spoke. "Don't make promises you know can't keep. Don't say you love me and that us being together is inevitable because you said the same thing seven months ago when you were leaving a trail of sloppy kisses down my neck, and then broke it off between us two a week afterwards."
"You can't keep blaming me for what had happened in the past." He was crying at this point. "I made mistakes, I ruined you, you're ruined. I'm sorry. Dammit, I'm so sorry and I wish there was more that I could do. But don't stand there and stare at me with dead eyes like I'm some type of monster that did nothing but hurt you, that didn't love you. Because I love you, I'm in love with you Scarlet Jae Foster. Have I fucked up? Yes, and I'm continuing to fuck up because I don't know what to do. You think I wanted Jenni to become pregnant? Do you think I wanted that to happen, to ruin what we were beginning to have back? What kind of man would I be not to wait to start a family with the person I consider to be the love of my life. I'm scared shitless Scar. I'm scared because I'm too young to be a damn father. I'm scared because I don't think I'm going to walk normal again despite my 'miraculous' recovery. But mostly, I'm scared because I love you. I love you and you are everything and I'm scared because I don't know what to do about that. So would you please give me a fucking break!"
I flinched as he voiced raised as loud as the last moment in the car before the accident. I was at a loss of words of what to say, or how to put how I felt into words but I seem to be terrible at doing so. I was torn between what I wanted and what I knew was best for me. And I knew that either way, I was going to leave hurt.
So I chose what's best for me.
"I love you." I gasped. "I love, but I can't" I was choking on my words that I knew deep down I'd regret.
"I can't, I can't do this anymore. Not now."
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sorry for not updating in over a month i suck
this was sorta long, thanks for 31k reads that pretty stellar. thanks nicole for the idea, she's pretty rad