Title: What She Left Behind
Author: Hayley_Kensington
Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9
Summary: [no score – will not be added to final score]
I've decided not to score your summary, and that's because it doesn't follow the traditional format of a book summary. I do, however, think that your opening lines are very captivating and effective with their succinctness, and the rest of what you have written is a good way to show the reader the general themes of your story. It also links back to the title, which is a nice touch.
A traditional summary would introduce the protagonist, the conflict, the setting and the stakes. However, I think what you've written is exactly what you've intended to write, so well done!
Grammar: 3.5/5
Your grammar, overall, was very polished – which is pretty fantastic! There were just a few things that I noted, so let's go through them quickly before we move onto the actual contents of the story.
"Do you have to even ask?" she grins.
I was really impressed by how you punctuated dialogue before dialogue tags, but there was one small error you sometimes made. When a question is followed by an action beat, you treat the action beat as a new sentence. Therefore, it should start with a capital letter. In the above example, it should actually be:
"Do you have to even ask?" She grins.
Next, you tend to forget commas in some places. Overall, I recommend reading your story aloud to see where you need to put your commas for fluency. For example, putting two verbs beside each other without commas doesn't quite work, especially when the verbs aren't in the same tenses. For example:
"But why?" I murmur caressing her face.
It should be:
"But why?" I murmur, caressing her face.
And finally, a good overall reread could be used. Here are some little awkward typos I found:
Did I seriously take so long to relate all of this?
I think you meant 'relay', as in, 'relay' the message.
...relieved that I wasn't born a white – just fair.
"A" white doesn't quite sound write. Maybe consider rephrasing?
Characterisation: 4/5
I really like how, initially, each character seemed to represent a different component of handling grief. Lia had that initial loss, Jess was in denial for a while, Tina was trying to keep it together, Emma was trying to maintain the memory but – with the tick, tock, tick tock – you could tell she was already struggling to hold on. In fact, I found Emma the most distinct of the voices, because she sounded so young and full of innocence.
I will be honest, so far, I don't feel like the characters are really branching out. I think it's mostly because they're all currently dealing with the exact same issue, and that's the sole focus of the story – their reaction to Hayley's suicide. So, it's no surprise that I can't really distinguish one from the other, except for perhaps Emma.
Nonetheless, there are some nice moments of development and coming-togetherness. Like, when Lia was trying to get Hayley out of her head and was wanting to break the glass, that moment where she and Tina just held each other was simply beautiful and touching to read. Furthermore, with Tina also being a more sisterly figure towards Emma, it's nice that we can see how all the people who were close to Hayley are coming together and sharing their experience. Well done!
Writing Style: 3.5/5
Overall, the writing was very slick and easy to follow. In fact, that first chapter really sank the reader into the context very well – there was despair oozing from every single word, and that's not an easy thing to establish, so well done! I really do wish you had a bit more description; there were some moments when this was done well, like blinking and opening up to the hospital ward. However, other moments felt very glazed over and weren't enough to ground the reader into the story. There was often a lot of dialogue, and not a lot of other things to counterbalance this.
Additionally, there were some moments that could have been fleshed out further to make the writing even more emotional and immersive. For example:
I cut my skin again but it doesn't hurt, so I press the blade deeper, in order to not feel the pain anymore.
This is around the first few paragraphs of the first chapter – I understand that the 'pain' discussed is a different pain altogether, it's the consistent, niggling pain that eventually makes her take her own life. However, you need to make it clearer to the reader. You need to show us that pain and describe it to us – make us feel less alienated by helping us try to understand what that pain would feel like and why it's so intolerable.
Also, make sure all your sentences flow well. Some don't quite make sense, such as:
I'm in my own world of pain and the numbness so much so, that I can't...
Not quite sure what was trying to be said here, so consider rephrasing a bit?
Plot + Originality: 4/5
Your first chapter was nothing short of impactful. I loved the count-up (as awful and horrifying as it was), and that final sentence was almost like a kick to the stomach. It was very well done, and a very hooking beginning to your story.
From there, it's been a little anticlimactic – which is understandable. Right now, it's about characters coping with grief, dealing with loss, and learning how to move on from there. There are also some very important thematic messages within that – Lia's conversation with herself is important, talking about how essential it is to talk to people, even if talking about intimate and touchy topics is scary. This is a great message to show your readers, so I commend you on that.
I do hope that, as your story progresses, it leads into a story with a clear conflict and climax – not necessarily as dramatic as that first chapter, but something that reminds the reader that there will be a resolution to the story. Otherwise, keep up the good work!
OVERALL SCORE: 15/20
Overall, a heartbreaking story with lots of great thematic messages. Make sure you work on polishing the writing a bit, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!