Warnings ⚠: Child Abuse, Rape, Violence, Religion, Drug Use, Alcohol Use, Use of Slurs, Homophobia, Bullying, Mention of Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Actions, Gun Use
Josiah's P.O.V.
-Friday, October 15th-
What...?
Where's he going?
I need him.
He needs to keep me safe...
I need...to make sure he is okay. That's what is important.
I look at Ethan.
Damn.
I back off a bit. I think I should go find Damien.
"Damien!" I call for him, bolting off in the direction he went.
I need him.
I'm not sure where he went...
He wouldn't leave the building, would he? I hope not.
Classrooms would be filling up soon, so no one would dare to hide in one of them...
...The bathroom is a safe place.
I open the door to the men's bathroom that's nearby and call for him again, "Damien?"
He's here, standing by the sink.
He probably has blood on his hands. I imagine he's trying to wash it off.
"Are you okay? Why did you do that?!" I ask, but he doesn't answer me.
I walk up to him and desperately take his trembling hand, but he yanks his hand back away from me before I can try to comfort him.
He has been challenged by helping me calm down for so long, I just want to comfort him for once.
"I can't hurt you." He tells me in the most soft tone.
"Me? You wouldn't hurt me..." I remind him.
He seems really uncomfortable and upset.
I'm not good at this sort of stuff.
Something in me wants to go get a teacher, but I know that doing so would only make things worse. I already can't imagine what Logan might make his father do to Damien.
"Please hold my hand. I-I need you c-close...to me," I hold out my hand to him, "Please? You're the only one who makes me feel s-safe."
"Go away, Josiah!" He snaps, making me wince.
I think he has been pushed beyond the breaking point.
I feel my heart pound and tears come to my eyes, but I still can't leave him like this.
If I manage to bother him enough to get him to hit me, or whatever, then so be it. I'll still only feel safe with him. I'll still want him.
"I...I'm not going anywhere without you."
I feel so helpless, I don't know what to do.
What could I do to get his attention?
There's nothing I can do.
I burst into tears. "Damien..." I cry, really, really wanting a hug now.
When I start crying, he seems to get more upset. He doesn't appear to have any urge to pick himself up to calm me down, and he even seems angry. Knowing him, he is angry at himself, not me. Or, at least, that is what he would tell me.
"I-I want to help, but...but I don't know what I c-can do."
"If I have to tell you again, I swear..."
Maybe he is angry at me? I don't know anymore...
He doesn't sound like he is trying to threaten me, though. He just sounds scared.
"Did I-I make...make you mad?" I ask unsurely.
There's a beat of silence, before I hear him sigh deeply.
"No... Josiah, you're the only person who isn't stressing me out of my fucking mind." He claims.
I knew it.
No matter what, this is what he will say to me.
Always.
"I don't think that's true..."
I don't think, I know. There's no way this doesn't have anything to do with me.
"Josiah, I just...I just need a second. To breathe. Just give me a second." He says.
"But I want to...to help. You always help me when I-I get scared."
Again, I try to reach out for him, this time with arms wide open. He doesn't seem interested at all.
I'm starting to get angry.
It doesn't make me want to hit anyone, though. I can't imagine that. I guess people like my father, Logan, and Damien are different...?
...Did I just categorize Damien with my father and Logan?!
I did.
Again.
Damien just almost killed a man and I don't even understand why.
"Why did y-you...fight Ethan? You s-snapped... Why?" I question.
"I don't know." He mutters.
I link my hands together and stare down at them, trying to hold back from going toward him again. He clearly doesn't want me to.
"If y-you're n-not mad, then why-why c-can't I have a h-hug...?" I feel bad for just asking it.
"I don't know what's going on with me, and I'm afraid I could hurt you."
"You always s-say y-you wouldn't hurt me, though. Don't you t-trust yourself?"
He doesn't respond. I have no idea if it's because he doesn't know or if he just doesn't want me to know. Maybe a bit of both?
He said he wants me to give him a second.
"Should I...leave?" I motion to the door.
I'm afraid to go out without him, so I silently pray to every god imaginable that he wants me to stay here.
"Please don't go. I'm scared to be alone."
Me, too. I guess we have something in common. But why would he be scared to be alone? He's so strong and scary, no one would bother him just because he's alone, right?
"You w-want me to s-stay here, but leave you alone. Okay. I-I c-can handle that." I really can't, but I will tell him that I can.
A few minutes pass, and it feels like hell. I'm still crying, but he seems to start to cool off a bit. Or maybe he ran out of tears. I don't know.
He finally moves, turning the sink on. He begins to scrub his hands violently.
"You shouldn't do that. It'll hurt."
"It's fine. It feels nice." He says, turning the water off and wringing his wet hands.
There's no way...but I stay silent about it anyway. I won't fight him on that.
I open my arms again. "Hug now?"
He sighs and starts to walk away. I follow him a bit, hesitantly.
He grabs his backpack off of the floor, but his hands are shaking so much, he can't get the zipper open.
He keeps trying, but he just keeps getting more and more frustrated. He grabs it and throws it aggressively against the bathroom wall, as if it is the backpack's fault that he can't open it.
I flinch back, my arms that were wide open now coming up a bit, in a defensive position in front of my face.
Damien doesn't look at me, putting his hands on his head and sitting onto the floor, as if he is unable to stand for any longer.
"Do you need help?" I offer after a minute passes in silence, dropping my hands when my brain finally caught on that nothing was happening.
He nods. "Earbuds." He manages, in a strangled voice.
"You want music?" I go over to him, crouching down by his bag.
I'm not supposed to go through anyone else's bags. My aunt reinforced this a million times. But... I think I'll do it, anyway.
I unzip the backpack after realizing he was nodding furiously. I pull out his earbuds and hold them out.
"Do you... Do you need your phone, too?" I ask.
I'm surprised he isn't getting impatient with me. I don't think I'm really helping...
"Yes. Thank you." He says.
...Maybe I am helping?
I get his phone out and hand it over with his headphones. He plugs the headphones into the phone as soon as he gets his hands on them.
I hesitantly sit beside him, unsure if he will push me away or not.
I watch him open up the Spotify app. He plays one of Taylor Swift's albums, and Soon You'll Get Better is playing in the headphones.
"C-Can I hear?!" I ask excitedly.
He hands me one of his earbuds.
I put it in and shift closer to him. He links an arm around me and I cannot possibly express how relieved I felt to finally be touched. I feel so damn lonely and starved of good touch... I need him so, so much.
I lean against him, laying my head on his shoulder.
Thank God...
The door opens, but I don't move, and neither does Damien.
"Get the fuck out of here." He snaps at whoever came in.
I hear the door shut as quickly as it was opened.
I guess I'm the only person who doesn't have to be genuinely afraid of Damien. That is both pleasant, and just a little terrifying.
I want to say something about that, but I don't. I know better than to do that to him right now.
As the song ends, Damien shifts a bit. Without warning, he pulls me to him and hugs me so gently, at least knowing to be careful.
I hug back, burying my face against his neck.
Finally.
"I'm sorry. For hitting Ethan...and for scaring you. For yelling. I'm so, so sorry."
"I... I understand apologizing for attacking Ethan, because I told you not to and you shouldn't have... But if you really insist on apologizing for scaring me every time it happens, we're going to have a problem," I chuckle against his skin, pulling away, "Are we still hanging out after school today?" I ask.
"Whatever you want."
"Okay... We'll figure it out later, then. Are you good to go to class? I have to go now."
"I'm...going to stay here. You go ahead."
I take his face between my hands. "Will you be okay?"
"Y-Yes. Go."
"Can we kiss here?" I ask carefully.
I don't know what's allowed at school...
"Yeah. It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing does. Everyone knows now."
"Do you not want to...?"
"I want to."
I peck his lips before backing off.
"I'll see you at the end of school. Okay?"
"Okay."
I don't like him being alone.
There's something scary about it...
But I have to go to class. So I'll just have to worry about it all day.
...Okay.
...
For the first time, I texted Damien during class.
Barbaric, I know.
The teacher didn't say anything, though. I would like to pretend that she didn't notice, but that's hardly possible.
She just doesn't care.
No one cares about anything at this school...
Anyways, I told Damien that we should get pizza and a movie and do tutoring. Or, if he didn't want to go home, then we could go out and do things. Because that happens in relationships.
People who are dating do those sorts of things...
Whatever he wanted, I said we can do.
Even if he really doesn't want to do anything with me, that's okay, too.
After what happened today, I don't know how much I really want to be around him...
I don't know.
I need him, but I haven't been more afraid of him since we first met.
Well, afraid of how he hurts people...
I've always been pretty convinced that he was going to stop that, but I guess not. I guess that it's just how he is.
I checked to see if he responded to the text after class ended, unwilling to risk being accused of not paying attention.
Damien: Whatever you want is fine
Josiah: Okay. I don't know what I want so just pick something to do.
Damien: Can we just sit on the couch and you lean your head on my shoulder
and I just pretend to be watching the movie
or whatever and instead I just enjoy being with you?
Josiah: Sounds good. Do you really not pay attention to the movies?
Damien: Not once.
Josiah: Oh okay... Alright then we can do that. See you later 💛💛💛💛💛💛💛
Damien: 💙💙💙
I think we'll be okay. Maybe.
Neither of us are going to change, but...
Maybe we'll be okay.
...
As planned, he turns on a movie that he apparently has no interest in, and I'm pretty sure it's a movie made for preteen girls, but I don't protest.
I think he assumes the silly kiddie stuff is what I want to watch.
Just because I want things with no violence or sex...
Yeah, maybe he's right to stick with the baby movies.
I cuddle up to him, resting my head on his shoulder.
I stare at his face for a moment.
He feels really tense.
I hate not being able to read facial expressions.
"Are you upset?"
Dumb question. Of course he is.
"Not at you."
"You should be. We both broke the deal we literally made yesterday and confirmed a million times this morning." I point out.
I didn't even try to call him, and he didn't even try to hold back from hurting Ethan.
"I'm not. I'm just tired."
"Being tired doesn't make people tense." I say.
"I'm scared." He admits.
"Of what?" I persist.
"Myself. I didn't mean to...hurt him like that."
Oh. He shouldn't be afraid of that.
It's his nature. I've accepted it, so he should, too.
"He'll be fine. He can take it." I shrug.
"No. I...I don't want to hurt people anymore. My mom says that makes me weak. But I can't take it anymore. The guilt is killing me."
"Do you know what feeling guilty means? It means you're a good person. You're on the right path, if you're willing to work hard and grow."
"It was so much easier when I didn't care."
"I know. You're making me care about things I never worried about before...things I never considered. But it's good. That's how we recognize the bad, and you can grow from it."
Maybe...
It's possible.
"We can grow from this." He says quietly, taking my hand and intertwining our fingers.
I squeeze his hand. "You can. You've already started. And I'm proud of you."
For working so hard in school, for dropping his toxic friends...
I think I can imagine a positive future for him.
"I couldn't have done it without you."
"You could have done it with anyone like me, though. Any little nerd who got beaten up daily could have been the same for you."
"That's not true. It was always more than tutoring and it always had to be you."
"What would be the difference?"
There's nothing special about me.
"I wouldn't be in love with the other person."
"You could be. You didn't love me when we started, either." I say.
"You're right. I wasn't. But I was attracted to you. You're one of the only guys I've ever liked."
"You were attracted to me from the moment we met...?"
"Yeah. You really thought I just wanted you to tutor me?"
"I thought you had some sort of elaborate scheme to kill me. For a really long time. I still kinda think that."
"Yeah. That's entirely understandable."
"I stayed with you because I didn't care what you would do to me. Then I wanted you to protect me. And that's all you were for a little while..." I sigh and lean against him.
"And now?"
"Now you're a mixture of those things, but I also love you a lot."
"I'll settle for that."
"Why would you like me that quickly?"
I don't understand that. I hardly like anyone at all, much less in that attracted sort of way.
Only him.
"I don't know. You're cute. And I just did."
"Thanks. Maybe I didn't like you because I didn't know what you looked like," I claim, shifting to sit upright by him, closely observing his face, "Not that I do now, but...yeah."
"I look like anyone else. Two eyes. A nose. A mouth. I dunno what you want me to say."
"I look like anyone else, too. But you say I'm cute."
"Yeah. Your lips are soft and your nose turns up a little bit and your eyes... Oh my God, your eyes..." He muses, "I could stare at them all day. Too bad they don't work."
I trace a finger along his jawline. "From what I can tell...you have really strong features. Probably helps to make you look tough."
"Sure. I look scary."
"Horrifying." I smile at him.
I don't care. He's cute.
"I think you're adorable. Like a tiger type of cute, though. Or a bear." I say.
Something big and scary that will eat a person...
"Rawr." He says.
"...What?"
"Rawr. I'm a bear." He explains.
"Rawr?" I repeat after him.
The fuck is that supposed to mean...?
"Yes. Rawr."
"Am I supposed to act afraid?" I ask.
"No. I'm a nice bear."
"Then why are you roaring at me?"
"I'm saying hello. Rawr."
I laugh at him.
He's such a dumb-ass. I don't know where he gets this sort of shit from.
"Okay. Rawr." I respond.
"Rawr-Rawr."
"Do you realize that's weird?"
"It's better than crying."
"Yeah. But acting like an animal is weird. You're a human. Supposedly."
"Supposedly. Maybe I'm a bear. You can't see. This whole time, I've been a bear."
"Bears don't talk."
"Oh. Well then, rawr."
"Bears can't say I love you," I poke his cheek, "And they have fur. You are not furry."
"Give me, like, three to five business days and I can grow a beard."
"Please don't. I wouldn't be able to identify your face at all. If you went missing, I wouldn't be able to tell the police what you look like."
"You couldn't tell them what I looked like now."
"I could say; He has dark hair, dark eyes, strong, sharp facial features. He's tall and muscular... And he is definitely wearing all black," I describe, "But they wouldn't know if you covered your face with hair."
"That's... surprisingly reasonable."
"Yeah. Never change anything about how you look. I wouldn't know you anymore."
"I would still be me."
"You would be...but I can't change the image in my head of what you look like. I just wish I knew for real." I murmur.
"I wish I could show you somehow. Could you do it like the blind people do on TV?"
"How do they do it?" I ask, interest piqued.
"They, like, just feel people's faces. Just don't stab my eyes."
I shift again, directly facing him.
I take both of my hands and put them on his cheeks. "I've done this before. It doesn't help very much." I chuckle.
He puts his hands on mine, holding them there. "Does that help?"
I shake my head and pull one hand away from his.
I grab his nose. "Nope."
He laughs, "Is that helpful?"
"That depends. It doesn't hurt, does it?"
"No. You're not hurting me. It's just weird as hell. And I was just pretending to be a bear for three minutes."
"Hmmm," I squeeze his nose, "Honk."
I let go and take his hands instead, grinning at him.
"...That was the most unhelpful thing I've ever suggested." He laughs.
"I don't know what you're talking about. Now I know what you really are."
"A bear."
"No. Dumdum the Clown. I can't believe you've been hiding your secret circus life from me. Asshole."
"What the fuck...?"
"You can't trick me. Your nose honked. Number one sign of a clown."
"Aw, shit. I've been caught."
"That's right. This entire relationship has been based on lies. Are your parents clowns, too? Is this a family business?"
"No. They're lion tamers, actually."
"Ohh. Makes sense." I nod.
I sigh, tired of this nonsense. I rest my head on his shoulder, nuzzling his neck.
"Do you feel better now?" I ask softly.
"A little. Yeah. Thank you."
I feel like it would be more comfortable to sit up on his lap and just hug him until we fall asleep...but I can't handle that. At least, not yet.
Something about him actually does give me a glimmer of hope that things will get better. That I could be a normal person one day.
"I'm glad..." I mumble, "You help me a lot. I wish I could help you."
"You do help me. So much more than you know." He says, leaning over slightly and resting his head on mine.
"Not without making things worse..."
I don't know what it is with his parents, but they do not want me to be with him.
That's what he says. That they would be mad if they knew.
And I'm just another thing to stress him out. His life is hard enough without me fucking things up.
"No. Things were bad before you. You make this easier. Don't ever think you don't."
"I made you get in trouble with your parents. And today with Ethan... You didn't have to do that. It was my fault. All of it."
"Don't do this right now. Please. It was not your fault. Do you know how much happier I'll be once I can actually be myself?"
"I don't know... It sounds like you would have been better off with a girl who's like you."
Things would be easier if this was a circus.
Once his parents tame the lions, I would pet the lions. Then they would be my friends. And Damien wouldn't be threatening as a clown. At all. He would just be fun.
"Maybe. But life isn't easy."
"No, but there's ways to make it easier."
"It doesn't matter if you think it's easier. I'm with you. And I love you. And it's worth it."
I don't know why I'm trying to convince him to leave me. I don't want him to.
"What if we quit all of this and join a circus?" I force after realizing that he tensed up again.
"That doesn't seem like a very valid backup plan."
"I know. I just don't know what else I could do. That's what people do when they run away. They join circuses."
"Okay. I guess we can."
"I think it would be a failed circus. People don't go to circuses anymore. Because of television entertainment, and the awareness of the abuse of circus animals."
"Yeah. Let's run away and just be happy. How about that?"
"Alright. I know you said you won't, but what are we supposed to do when we miss home?" I ask.
"Cry and hug each other, and then make cookies."
"That...doesn't sound helpful, but okay. Can we do this when you graduate?"
"I'm leaving when I graduate. Feel free to join me."
"Please take me with you no matter how much I insist that I don't want to go."
"I couldn't leave you if I tried."
I try to relax.
"It'll be considered kidnapping. 'Cause I'm a minor. I don't know if you would need my aunt's permission, or..."
I think permission defeats the purpose of running away...?
"Just add it to my list of crimes."
"Right up there with being criminally attractive."
He laughs. "Oh my God. That's the worst thing you've ever said."
My heart clenches up worriedly.
"Is it?"
He's laughing. That's good, I think.
"It's pretty bad." He says.
"I thought it was cute."
"It was cute, but it was also the most cringey things I've ever heard."
"Oh. Sorry."
I close my eyes. Maybe we should nap today.
"I liked it. Ten out of ten."
"You can't change your mind just because I apologized."
"Well, I did, so ha."
"But you're just lying. You don't think I'm funny."
"I'm not lying. You're usually funny. That was just a dumb joke."
"No, I'm not funny, ever. Avery told me I don't understand the concept of memes. Or sarcasm. Or jokes in general..." I sigh, "But it's okay, because you're not funny, either."
"Excuse you?! I think I'm kinda funny!"
"You've never said one funny thing."
"Bullshit."
"I wouldn't lie to you. I never have. Obviously."
"Guess I need to work on it, then."
"You would be funnier if you didn't take things so seriously." I claim.
Or is that me? I don't know.
"What? That's you, bud. I'm not nearly as serious as you."
"Yeah? I thought so. You still really need to loosen up. I guess that says something about how you view me, then."
"Loosen up? How so?" He pauses for a moment, "The movie's over..."
"Cool. It wasn't a very good movie."
"Yeah. I didn't watch one minute of it and I was very confused. Not an easy enough plot line. And this is for kids?! Horrible."
"I know. I think we should rate it one star online." I suggest.
"Let's go give it a 1%."
"Okay. It was really bad. Didn't catch my interest at all. It was so uninteresting, I chose to talk to you the whole time instead."
"That's really saying something, because if I'm more interesting than this movie, we have a serious problem."
"Not really. I find you immensely interesting," I tell him, "Sometimes."
"Sometimes...?" He repeats, shutting off the TV and leaning his head back.
"Sometimes, you're interesting." I confirm.
Sometimes, he's boring.
"Fair." He murmurs, no longer paying attention to me.
"Are we done? Do you want to do anything else?"
"I want to stay right here in this calm moment with you forever."
"Okay, but if you don't want to talk, I don't know what else to do."
"Listen to music and chill?" He suggests, "I will totally not fall asleep at all."
"That's doing nothing. I can't do that. It's time wasted. We have to at least be doing something."
"Holding hands is something."
Right. Something I shouldn't be doing.
"What if you turn on some music and relax and I'll just study or do homework...? I don't think chilling and holding hands is a good idea."
I don't think it would be allowed in a million years.
At the very least, I should be doing something useful.
"If you want to. But after the past few days, you should chill, too."
"I do not think it's physically possible for me to chill."
"Your loss. At least if you're here, I know you're safe." He says, letting go of my hand and playing Taylor Swift quietly from his phone.
I get a schoolbook out and lean against him.
He'll be asleep within minutes.
He's weird like that.
I don't know how he does it. Even when I'm passing out from being so tired, I still can't properly fall asleep.
"Goodnight." I laugh at him after a minute of silence between us.
"I'm not sleeping!" He protests.
"You will be in about two minutes. When do you want me to yell at you until you wake up?" I ask.
"As soon as I fall asleep."
"How am I supposed to know when you're sleeping?"
"When I don't respond."
"Just keep talking until you fall asleep, and when you quit talking, that's how I'll know. Then I'll shove you onto the floor to wake you up."
"Right. What do you want to talk about? The weather? It's getting cold as balls outside, bro. You know, one time, me and Hunter and Ethan..." He stops as soon as he says their names.
"Maybe try talking about something you won't cut off half way in."
"Sorry. Um..." He sighs, "Everything I'm thinking of right now will just make me cry, and I can't do that."
"Okay. Then how do I know when you are asleep?"
"Dunno. Just poke me every now and again and if I respond, I'm awake."
I press a finger against his ribs. "Does that hurt?"
He giggles. "No, but it tickles."
I set the book down onto my lap. "It what?"
"Tickles."
"This tickles?" I ask, doing it a couple more times.
"Yeah! Stop it!" He laughs, "I'm really ticklish."
I immediately start tickling his sides.
"I'm making you laugh." I smile at him.
"Yeah, but at what cost?!" He curls up, bringing his knees to his chest to try to push my hands away, "I'm dying!" He giggles.
I shift a bit when he tries to cover his sides.
"It's fun. You're fine." I insist.
"Nope. Dying." He says, scooting away from me.
I follow after him, climbing on him a bit to tickle him.
"You sound very happy." I correct.
"I'm trying to pout and be sad!" He laughs as I tickle him again.
"But you're laughing! That means it feels good."
"Not good! It's tickling! It's weird. But not good. I can't explain it."
"Not good?" I repeat, looking down at him, for once, "Are you sure?"
"I mean, I'm smiling. So that's something. This part is good."
"Okay, but do you or do you not like it?"
"Um. Yes and no."
"That's not an answer! What does tickling feel like?"
"I can tickle you, if you want."
I back off instantly, thinking about him putting his hands on me like that.
"No."
"Sorry." He says, sitting back up, away from me.
I stare at him for a moment, making sure he wasn't going to try anything.
"...Okay. Goodnight." I say again.
"I'm awake now. You almost killed me."
"I didn't. I was making you laugh."
"No. I died."
"I'm sorry. I didn't think it would be scary." I start to explain myself.
It's so, so scary...
"Hey. I was kidding. It was fun. I promise. Nothing scary."
"It was scary when I thought of you doing it to me..."
I forget sometimes that people aren't afraid of everything like I am.
Damn it...
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I didn't mean to fuck anything up."
"No. That wasn't you. It was me. I'm sorry."
I started it. As usual.
"Nope. I'm sorry. No take backs."
I stay silent for a moment, not wanting to start an argument by disagreeing with him, but...
I pull on my sleeves. "I'm sorry I'm not normal." I sigh.
"I like you as is. No refunds, no exchanges." He yawns.
"I'm sorry." I repeat.
Whether he wants me to be or not. I am.
I guess he is, too, though...
"Tell me tell me tell me something I don't know..." He sings.
I stare blankly at him.
I don't...
What?
"There's a lot of things you don't know. Where do you want me to start?" I ask him.
He pauses for a moment.
"How many inches in a mile. What it takes to make you smile...bla bla bla bla bla... I don't remember the rest. Sorry, Selena."
I don't know what the fuck he's doing, but... It's pretty annoying.
I sigh and start to ignore him, and he goes quiet after a moment.
Hopefully, he's asleep.
He can't hurt me when he's asleep.
End