Warnings ⚠: Child Abuse, Rape, Violence, Religion, Drug Use, Alcohol Use, Use of Slurs, Homophobia, Bullying, Mention of Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Actions, Gun Use
Damien's P.O.V.
-Thursday, October 7th-
My dad hands me some papers, and has me start going through them.
I can't get over how...business like this drug thing is.
It's run like a legit business, and I still can't get over it.
That, and every front business he has is also an actual, semi-thriving business on it's own.
"Hide in plain sight." Is all he said when I asked about it.
He starts showing me the business aspects of it, and it's actually really interesting how it all works.
If this wasn't a big front for the main source of drugs and other illegal things in and out of the city, I would love this job.
In fact, maybe when I graduate high school, I'll do something business related.
I try to stay on task, but my mind wanders, and I end up looking out the window of the office building, and out onto the cityscape.
We're in a fucking twenty-something story building, and I don't know how to feel about all of this...
It all feels so real.
No wonder mom can justify this but not having a gay son...
If that's what I am.
I don't know.
It doesn't seem so bad when you're in here.
I stop looking out on the slowly setting sun, and I see my reflection in the window.
Business wear was required today, and I'm in the suit they got me forever ago.
It's definitely not my preferred thing to wear, but at least he didn't make me put a tie on.
I look at my face, and my messy hair... I look as tired as I feel.
I run a hand through my hair and attempt to fix it a bit.
Eh. I really can't be bothered to care.
Before I can get back onto my job, I hear my phone start ringing.
I pull it from my pocket.
Josiah.
I look at dad. "I have to take this."
He raises an eyebrow at me, but just laughs, "Go ahead."
I leave the room and answer in the empty hallway.
Almost everyone has left for the night.
"Josiah? What's wrong, are you okay?" I try to keep any panic out of my voice, but I'm sure it doesn't work.
"I c-can't get into the-the house, and...and I fucked s-something up, and I d-don't know how t-to get out of it. M-My head hurts l-like hell, and I-I can't breathe...and..." He stammers, sounding like he's going to explode or something. I've never heard him so upset.
I need to calm him down, so that he can tell me what's going on.
"Hey, calm down, alright. Just take a breath, we will figure this out..."
My dad comes out of the room and stares at me expectantly.
"...One second," I tell Josiah, and put a hand over the phone so he can't really hear anything,
"Sorry. It's a friend. They need some help. Is there any way that we can...be done for the night?"
"We only have like an hour or two left, just hang up and come back in." He commands.
I don't blame him.
Tuesdays and Thursdays are family nights.
As soon as he goes back into his office, I grab the phone again, quickly coming up with a plan.
"Okay, Josiah. I'm going to have Pierre come get you, and you're going to have to hang out with him until I get home, okay? I'll be home in a few hours, I can't get out of it. But I'll be there as soon as I can, okay? Stay put."
I hear a heavy sigh, and all I want to do is be there.
"I'm s-scared...Please don't hang up. P-Please."
Shit...
I have to make a choice.
Is this worth getting in trouble over?
...Yes. 100%.
He's always worth getting in trouble over.
"Okay... Um. I'll get out of this. and I'll see you in a...half-hour. Do you want Pierre to come wait with you until I'm there? Or will you be okay? I'm not going to hang up. Everything will be alright."
I poke my head into his office. "I'm leaving. You'll be okay without me. See you Tuesday."
He sighs. "Go. You're fine. But do not make this a habit, okay? And don't tell your mother."
Thank God.
I smile at him and I leave, putting the phone to my ear. He's still going on about whatever he was saying before.
"...I really...I c-can't breathe, Damien."
"Where are you right now? Outside?" I assume. He said he got locked out. So, I need to head to his house.
I get on the elevator and head down. I'm glad I drove separate.
"Sit on the step right now." I instruct him. He needs to calm down before he passes out.
"Are you doing it? Now just take deep breaths, in and out. Focus on that and my voice, and nothing else."
"It...makes m-my chest hurt." He says in a shaky voice.
I watch the floor numbers drop slowly.
Too slowly...
I should have booked it down the stairs.....
"Do it anyway. You have to. I don't know what's going on, but it will be okay. It will all work out. We can get through this. Together." Isay, as the elevator finally lets me out. I start running again out of the building and to my car, not wasting any time.
"I-I...need a...a hug." He murmurs.
"I'm going to be there soon. And I'll hug you all night if I have to." I tell him, getting in my car and starting towards his house.
"O-Okay... Okay. I'm s-sorry."
"It's okay, you have no reason to apologize. I'm In the car now. I'll be there soon."
...
I stay on the phone with him the entire way to his house.
He only responds occasionally, just to let me know he's still there.
And I just focus on saying calming nonsense, like "Everything will be okay." and "I'll be there soon." and "It will all work out, you'll see."
I have no idea what he's freaking out about, and I have no idea if any of that is true, but it seems to calm him some, or at least quiet him a bit.
When I get to his house, I see him sitting on his house step, shivering.
It's not that cold out...
It must just be from the panicking.
I get out and start towards him, hanging up as I do so.
"Josiah?" I say as I approach, trying not to startle him.
He looks up in my direction, eyes unfocused. "D-Damien..." He mumbles.
"Hey." I say, taking my suit jacket off and sitting beside him. I drape it over his shaking shoulders. He flinches slightly at my touch but he doesn't move away.
"...I-I'm sorry." He apologizes softly.
"Don't apologize. Why don't I take you home and get you something warm to eat? Then we can talk. Can you stand?"
I might have to carry him...
"I c-cannot move."
"Can I touch you? I can carry you to the car if you let me."
I don't want to scare him anymore then he already is.
And sometimes me touching him scares him.
"No... N-No. Please." He cries.
Glad I asked first.
"That's okay. We'll just stay here, then."
There's nothing else we can do, really.
He puts his hands on the edges of my jacket and holds them tightly.
It's comically too big on him, and yet somehow, he still manages to look adorable.
I look in his eyes and he looks so...faraway.
What the fuck happened?
"Do you want to tell me what happened? Or do you want to wait?"
"I went...b-behind the school...because of m-my friend."
"Right."
I told him not to, but why the fuck did I think that would stop anything?
"What happened?"
"I'm s-sorry! I didn't know w-what else to do... We have this d-deal and...and... I c-can't be the one t-to b-break it," He rambles, staring at the floor, "People were mean b-back there. And I-I got in trouble because I told them they're b-bad. And n-now the deal m-might be broken..."
"Hey. Take a second to breathe, okay?"
He takes in a shaky breath and then slowly exhales.
"Okay. Now. Let's start with, who is this friend? And what deal?"
"I...can't tell y-you. But the deal k-keeps everyone s-safe."
"You have to tell me." He can't just say he made some sort of deal then not tell me what it is.
What is he hiding?
"I can't. I-I'm already in trouble. No m-more..." He mumbles.
"Okay. I won't ask."
I don't know how the fuck he expects me to help I cant hug him or anything.
And I can't try to figure out what's going on.
I can't DO anything.
And with each silent second passing between us, I get more anxious.
I need to help.
What deal is he talking about?
Who is this person that just decided to do this to him?
If I knew who it was, I could beat the shit out of them and...
At least I could DO something.
Anything is better than this. Just sitting and waiting to be attacked. If I knew, I could prepare, and...
Josiah finally breaks the silence.
I don't know how long it's been that we sat here silently. Could have been hours. Could have been seconds
"Are you mad at m-me?" He takes another deep breath and finally looks at my face.
"No. I'm not mad. I wish you would tell me what's going on, but I'm not mad at you. I just don't know what to do."
"D-Don't hit me. I'm really, r-really sorry..." He says again, "If y-you knew, it would m-make things worse f-for everyone involved."
"I would never hit you. Not ever. And... I trust you."
I don't know if I should, but I don't have any other options. If he did something stupid, I'm just fucked... But I can't do anything either way, and I just have to hope to God he did something that will help.
"Okay... I'm g-good for hugs now. If you w-want."
"Of course." I say, opening my arms.
He shifts closer and I wrap my arms around him tightly, resting my chin on his head.
"You mean everything to me," I mutter softly to him, "And whatever this is, we'll get through this. I promise."
"D-Did this count as a reason to c-call you?"
"Yes. It did. You did the right thing." I rub his back gently and he plays with the collar of my dress shirt.
"C-Can you...explain why s-sometimes, I can't breathe, or m-move? And why it makes my chest hurt s-so much?"
"It's probably an anxiety attack of sorts. But I'm not a doctor. You just get so scared and panicked, your body doesn't know what to do..."
I get them sometimes. But I have to really be freaking out.
Like... REALLY, REALLY freaking out.
"I-I'm not dying?"
"No. Because I say you're not allowed. Not happening. "
"Okay... I thought m-my organs were failing, and that's why it k-keeps happening." He sighs against me.
"No. You're okay. You just have to breathe. That's all."
"Can you make it s-stop...?"
"No. But I can try to make it not hurt as bad," I take a deep breath, "Now. It's getting dark. Do you need to come home with me?"
"I can't get in. I don't think anyone's c-coming home tonight. Is it okay for me to s-stay with you?"
"Of course it is. Let's go, then. Do you need help?"
He nods, not moving from my arms. He seems a little calmer now.
I get up, taking him with me. He's really light. I carry him bridal style, and he nuzzles close to me. I carry him to the car and it takes a second, but I get the car door open and sit him down gently.
I buckle him in and then shut the door behind me. I then get into the driver's seat and take him home.
...
After I park in the garage, I ask, "Are you feeling a little bit better?"
"I...think so." He says.
"Do you want me to carry you upstairs? Or do you have it?"
"I don't want you to drop me."
"You weigh like four pounds. I wont drop you. I can carry you."
"Okay."
I get out and get him out of the car. He's still in my jacket.
I carry him up the stairs carefully, not wanting to scare him. When we get into my room, I sit him down on my couch and then slip my dress shoes off and sit beside him.
"Do you want something to eat or drink...? How can I help?" I ask him, really, really tired all the sudden. I shouldn't have sat down.
"I just want to be s-safe."
"Well. You are. You're with me."
"You can't be safe, either."
"We're safe for tonight. Don't worry about anything else, okay?"
I don't want him to panic again.
"Why don't I go get you a Pop-Tart and some juice?" I say, getting up.
"Don't leave me."
"Okay." I sit back down beside him. I take my phone from my pocket and text Pierre and ask him to bring up juice and a Pop-Tart.
His first response is you have legs, come get it yourself.
But when I say that it's for Josiah, he immediately says he's bringing it up...
Jerk.
"Do you want another hug? Or to hold hands...?"
"Just...hugs all night."
"Okay." I hold my arms out and he cuddles closer. I rub his back again gently.
After a few minutes, there's a knock on the door. Josiah looks alarmed.
"It's me." I hear Pierre say through the door.
"Come in." I say, not moving. Josiah doesn't, either.
Pierre sees us on the couch and smiles, sitting the food on the table in front of us. "You guys are adorable."
I feel my face flush. "Pierre..." I groan.
He laughs. "Okay. I'm leaving. Sorry. I'll be here until eight tonight, so if you need anything, just text."
I smile at him. "Thanks. For real."
Not just for the Pop-Tart, but for being cool about us. I hope he knows what I mean.
"Of course." He smiles and says, "In case I don't see you before I go, I love you both."
"Love you, too." I say and look down at Josiah. He looks confused.
Pierre leaves and I say, "He brought you a Pop-Tart and juice. You should eat."
"He was nice...and he said I love you." He says in disbelief.
"Yeah. 'Cause he loves us. Pierre is more my dad than my real dad." I explain to him again.
"He loves...us...?"
"Yeah...He would do, like...anything for us."
"Why me?"
"Cause you mean a lot to me. Therefore, he loves you, too."
"But...no one's said that for...like, ten years."
"Said what?"
"I love you. Last time I heard it, was from m-my dad..."
"Well... I love you, too." I say, meaning it as soon as it comes out of my mouth.
I didn't think I did yet, but I know now that I do. I would do anything for him, and also, fuck his dad.
...His dad is the bad one.
The one in jail because he hurt him.
"And I'll love you forever." I say softly.
He chokes out a sob, starting to cry again.
"I love you." He says back.
"Hey," I say, holding him to me tighter, "It's okay."
I gently pet his head as he buries his face into my chest.
"Did I say something wrong?" I ask him softly.
"No one...loved m-me," He starts trembling, "Besides my parents. I..."
"Well. I do now. And Pierre does, too." I say matter of factly.
His hair is so soft... I go back to rubbing his back gently instead.
"Why?"
"Because you're an amazing person and everyone deserves love."
"But, I... I don't... I shouldn't be." He stammers.
"Too bad. You are." I'm not going to lie and say I don't love him.
"I love you, Damien..." He says.
"I love you, too." I say again. He seems to really like hearing it. "Your Pop-Tart is probably cold."
He shivers and raises his head to look at the Pop-Tart and juice.
"I love you." He repeats.
I chuckle slightly.
"I love you. Did you have the lunch I packed you?"
Him eating, I can control...kinda.
"I...don't think so. I put it in my bag."
I let go of him just enough to grab the Pop-Tart and hand it to him. "Eat this, then." He takes it slowly and starts eating, taking a small bite.
"Juice?" He holds his other hand out.
I hand it to him and he takes a drink of it.
I yawn and let him go, leaning back against the couch. I could fall asleep right now.
Josiah looks over at me. "What? Why did you stop hugging?"
"I thought I would let you eat," I say, shutting my eyes, "And then I would sleep..."
"You're...going to bed? But I-I need hugs."
"Hug me while I'm sleeping, then."
"I can't. Y-You'll be in bed."
"And?"
"That's...like...sex. No."
Oh...
"I mean. It's not, but okay."
"We can sleep on the couch," I suggest, "And then you can hug me like we have been."
"I don't want to sleep. If you're going to sleep, maybe I should...go to a different room and do homework."
"No. I'll stay up." I insist, rubbing my eyes and sitting up.
"Don't stay up because of me."
"But... I don't want you to have to be alone..."
"It's not a big deal. I'm used to- I... I can handle it."
"You shouldn't have to alone, though. I'm staying up for at least a few more hours. Do you want to watch a movie?" I ask him as he finishes his food.
"I don't want to watch anything where people are mean."
"...Okay," I pick out a little kid movie and say, "If I fall asleep, literally any of the rooms upstairs are free. So, whatever is comfortable to you, you go ahead and do."
"Okay..."
He finishes his food and I ask, "Can I hold your hand?"
He holds his hand out for me to take. I take it and rest our hands on the couch between us. I rub my thumb in circles on the back of his hand.
"Hey, Josiah?"
"Yeah...?"
"I really do mean it. I love you. So, so much." I say, shutting my eyes again.
I don't want to sleep, but I don't know if I have an option. My eyes are saying otherwise.
"That scares me...but I love you, too."
...Scares him?
I don't know what he means by that, but it sure as hell sums up what I'm feeling right now, because it scares me, too.
End