Warnings ⚠: Child Abuse, Rape, Violence, Religion, Drug Use, Alcohol Use, Use of Slurs, Homophobia, Bullying, Mention of Suicide,
Damien's P.O.V.
Friday, September 10th-
After Josiah found out I slept with his cousin on accident, he hasn't quite been the same.
On Friday morning, I decide to pack him a lunch and drop it off to him.
He doesn't eat nearly enough and we have plenty all the time.
If this doesn't make him happy, I don't know what will.
I make him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and pack some other snack food I bought just to keep in the house for him, and on each little bag, I write a dinosaur fact in big lettering. Hopefully, he doesn't miss it.
Just in case, at the top of the bag, I put one.
Don't say I've never done anything nice.
-Damien
P.S. there's a dino fact on each wrapper so don't just yeet them into the trash.
...
Before I go to my lunch table that day, I go over to his. No one is with him yet.
Sometimes, his cousins sit with him.
"Here. See you tonight." I say, dropping it in front of him.
Hunter and Ethan aren't here yet, but I don't want to risk anything.
"What is this?" He asks, looking at it curiously.
"Lunch. I have to go." I say, leaving him.
I sit at my table and watch him open the bag.
He puts the green sticky note up close to his face and after a second, he smiles.
I can't get over how much I wish I could make him smile all the time.
The other day when he fell asleep at my house...
There's just something about him that makes me want to protect him.
His home life seems kinda shitty, and the more I can do, the better.
Whoever his aunt is...if I ever meet her, I might beat her ass. I don't care if she's a girl, she deserves it.
Normally that's my rule. I don't hit girls.
But I might make an exception for her.
I think I'm going to just start bringing him lunch. That way I know he's eating something at least once a day.
...
After school lets out I stand by my bike, waiting for him.
Hunter and Ethan have accepted my new routine, and to my surprise, they're not being too bad about it.
Josiah is wrong. If they weren't real friends, they wouldn't do that.
He approaches and I get on my bike. "Let's go, Walker."
"First. Why did you put dinosaur facts in that stuff? Did you seriously waste time googling those and writing them down?" He laughs.
I shift a bit. I was hoping he wouldn't bring it up. "I thought it would be nice! And no. I got a book of them actually, 101 Dinosaur Facts."
"A book of dinosaur facts? Why?"
I look down, my feeling my face flush. "For your lunches."
I've been caught.
"R-Really...? That's so nice. I love it so much. The facts and the lunch. Thanks."
"I feel really bad about the other day and wanted us to just...go back to normal."
Well, normal for us. Whatever that is.
"Don't worry about it. It's in the past." He shrugs.
Thank God.
"In that case, let's go." I gesture behind me.
"Okay." He gets up onto the bike.
When he wraps his arms around me, I focus on not flinching so much that there's a bit of a pause.
FUCK.
I'll never get this right.
His touch is so warm...even through my jacket.
It's like I'm on fucking fire. And I don't know if it's in a bad way.
Please don't pick up on it...
I quickly start the bike, hoping he didn't notice.
I'm trying to be better about it, because it's fucking weird.
There's no reason it should bother me at all.
"You're getting better at starting it without me having to tell you to." He says.
"I have no clue what you're talking about." I say, focusing on the road.
He talks up a bit over the bike, but since he's right against me, it's not too hard to hear.
"You always freeze up. Like you're having Vietnam flashbacks."
"Maybe I am. You don't know me." I laugh, attempting to get the conversation away from the issue.
"I know more about you than you think I do."
I don't like the sound of that.
"I doubt it." I say, speeding up. I like seeing him when I talk.
"I really do. I know a lot about everyone at school."
"Yeah? What do you know about me?"
Rumors I'm sure. 98% of which are not true.
"A lot of rather inappropriate things after Tuesday."
Shit.
"Did...your cousin say shit?"
He would be pissed to know I don't remember her name.
And it's not like she's the first girl to spread stuff. Usually it's good. But occasionally, I'll get the bitter girl who thinks she has some sort of claim on me just because we've had sex.
"Yeah..." He presses his head against my back.
God, it feels nice.
I can't keep thinking shit like that if I want things to be normal.
"Well, ignore her. If I could take it back, I would."
"Why? Is something wrong with her?"
"What? No. It was...nice. But it bothers you. So if I could take it back, I would."
"It would bother me no matter who it was. Don't change your lifestyle for me."
"I wasn't planning on it. Why does it bother you no matter who I'm with? It doesn't involve you in the slightest."
Does he...?
No. That's dumb.
I'm not going to think about that.
...He did say he was gay.
"I don't think going around having sex with people is safe nor moral. It's bad."
"It's not bad, or unsafe. I always use like protection. Besides, you have morals and shit? I thought you only had those if you were like religious. Which you are not."
It's not about me.
Why does that make me a little disappointed?
It wouldn't matter if he did like me that way, I'm not interested.
"What? Of course I do. I have morals that come from my rules. That's how it works. Has nothing to do with religion or any sort of beliefs."
"Your rules?" I ask, pulling into the garage.
I stay on the bike, waiting for an explanation.
"Yes. The rules that keep me from getting in trouble. It makes me upset when other people break them."
But they're your rules...not mine. Or anyone else's. What are they?" I ask, getting off, offering him a hand.
He's never going to take it. He hasn't yet and he won't ever.
"I don't think we have time for all of that. It would take all day."
"Jesus. There are that many?" My hand is still out, and he's still on the bike. He has to know my hands out.
He thinks it's funny, I bet.
To make me just wait.
"Yeah, because I have my dad's, my aunt's, the school's, and now Alexa's, and Avery's."
"That seems hard to remember, much less follow all of them "
My hand is still out...
Just take it.
"It is. That's why I get in trouble a lot." He says, reaching out and gently taking my hand.
I...
His hands are so soft.
I don't...
I don't know what to do.
I freeze a second, looking down at our hands, not liking how nice it feels.
I look down into his big eyes, before pulling him up gently.
He's really, really close.
I don't move back.
He looks up at me. "I was right. That didn't help much."
"Oh. Sorry." I stare down at him, unable to move.
"You're too close." He says.
Oh.
I snap out of it and step back. "That's my line."
He laughs, "It's my line when you touch me."
"Fair. You didn't have to take my hand." I say, leading him inside.
"I wanted to see if it would help."
"And it didn't at all?"
"No. It just made you get too close."
"Right. Maybe we did it wrong."
I'm not going to stop offering my hand.
That would be...rude.
"We'll just have to keep trying, then."
To my surprise, my parents are here.
Dad's in his home office and mom's watching something on the TV.
"Shit. My parents are here. Let's study upstairs today."
They're never home... This is weird.
"I thought I wasn't allowed upstairs." He chuckles.
"I'll....walk behind you. That way, if you fall, I can catch you like a damsel in distress." I smile at the thought.
"I would rather fall."
"Wow. Okay. Just go slow." I say to him, still following up behind him.
He goes slowly, and once we make it to the top, I say, "Wow. We didn't even die. Look at that."
"I told you. I walk upstairs at school every day, dumb-ass."
"I know, but..." I sigh, "Whatever."
I lead him into my room and shut the door behind us. I go to the couch and sit cross legged on it, balancing my books on my knees.
"I'm worried about the quiz on Monday." I admit as he sits hesitantly beside me. It's a loveseat, so there's not much space between us.
"Don't be. You'll do great. With how well you've been doing, I bet you'll get a B at least."
"I want an A. I've never gotten one."
That's why I need to study more. And harder. I want to show him he's helping. Because he is. "Then all you need to do is study more. I think you have it figured out. You already don't really need me."
"No. I need you. You keep me focused," I say, "Besides, you get to study, too. It's not like you're wasting any time..."
I can't let him think that I don't need him anymore.
Maybe if I...
"Actually, I don't get...this one." I say, pointing to a random problem.
I don't want him to think I don't need him... Then I wont get to see him anymore...
He grabs the book and turns it a bit, leaning over to look at it instead of bringing it to his face.
"I know you know how to figure this out. I've already taught you all of this."
"... No. I'm still confused." I want him to stay...because i still need help in everything.
" You're smart, Damien. Don't pretend that you're not." He looks up into my eyes.
" I'm not smart... I'm a dumb-ass, remember? I need your help because you're smart."
I...I think I want to be friends.
No. No, I told myself I wouldn't. I told him I wouldn't. But he makes me smile, and if we keep doing this, no one needs to know but us. I could pack him lunches and send him memes during school.
And after school on study days, we can study some then watch a movie or something, like we did last time...
I don't want him to go.
"You're not a dumb-ass. I just say that to make you mad."
"Right. Well, I still need you."
"Why? I know I don't keep you focused. We keep ending up just talking. That's the opposite of focusing."
"We do fine. In fact, I think we do better this way. No need to change anything."
"I didn't even do anything last time... But you studied, didn't you? And you're going to do great on the quiz, because now you know that you need to study to do well. With or without me." "Fine," I sigh, running a hand through my hair, "I don't want you to quit coming over."
"I don't want to, either. It's nice here." He says.
Then stay and help."
"I never said I wanted to leave. I'll help you when you really need it. You need to at least try, though."
"I am. I just...was afraid you wouldn't come over anymore if I knew what was going on." I admit.
It's weird, but kind of refreshing to just say what's on my mind.
With Ethan and Hunter, I have to be guarded. They're more sensitive than he is.
"I'm not leaving until I need to, or until you make me. Just do the problems."
"Wait...promise?"
I get so lonely. The idea of not taking him home everyday...
"Of course. I feel safe here. Why would I leave?"
"I don't know," I admit, "I was just checking. I knew you were mad the other day...and it just made me think, that's all."
"I'm not mad at you. I am having a hard time trying to remind myself that you're not usually as nice and gentle as you are with me."
"Why does it matter? Who I am with everyone else?" I shift away from him a bit, "As long as I'm nice to you."
"How you treat other people is what you're capable of doing. I can't really trust you, because I know what you do to other people."
"But what you're asking is for me to give up everything. If I want you to trust me."
Literally everything.
My friends are my life. With them, comes my reputation, and my need to uphold it. I can't just....drop them.
I can't imagine how horribly that would go down.
"Don't worry about it. I don't trust anyone."
But for the first time in a long time, I want someone to trust me. I want him to trust me.
I let it go.
And I go back to studying.
...
At the end of the study session, I'm feeling more confident about the quiz.
"You do help, really." I say.
I hold my hand up for a high-five.
He immediately moves back and winces, squeezing his eyes shut and covering his head defensively with his hands.
I back up off the couch immediately.
"No, I didn't... I'm not going to hurt you, Josiah..." I stay away from him, "It was a high-five." I keep my voice as soft as possible.
I don't want to scare him.
He peeks his eyes open and stares blankly at me, not lowering his hands or responding.
"What do you want me to do? I can...take you home? Or make you a snack, or... I'm sorry." I offer desperately.
"I-I...I'm sorry. Don't hit me." He mumbles, not seeming to listen to me.
"I'm not going to hit you. Not now or ever." I promise, not moving, terrified I'll scare him again.
I don't want him to be afraid.
He finally lowers his hands. "Stay away from me."
"Okay. I'm sorry." I say, just sitting on the floor.
"I just need a minute. I'm sorry." He sighs, rubbing his head.
"It's okay. Take your time."
Why is he so untrusting?
I'm not mean not to him.
After a minute of just sitting there with wide eyes, pulling his hair, he seems to relax a bit.
"It's not your fault." He says softly.
"It kinda seems like my fault." I say, staring up at him from the floor, not moving until he quits freaking out. I don't know what else to do.
"It isn't. I-I just...s-sometimes I freak out for n-no reason. I'm sorry."
"It's okay. Really. I'll just stay right here, out of your way 'till you're done. Do you need...anything?" I offer, desperate to help, but not knowing how.
"I'm done. I'm f-fine. Just pretend it d-didn't happen..."
"Okay. Can I get up now?"
"Y-Yeah... You're okay." He tugs his sleeves over his hands.
He's wearing a light blue sweater that matches his eyes. It's a really nice sweater. It looks soft...
I get up slowly.
"I'm going to get my books and put them away. Is that okay?" They're on the couch beside him.
"Okay, just...please don't touch me."
"I won't." I promise.
I gather my stuff and put it in my bag quickly. "Do you want me to drive you home?"
"I...don't want to touch. I don't w-want the motorcycle." He says, rubbing tears out of his eyes.
"Don't cry. Please. We can take the car. You don't have to touch me, I swear."
I don't know why touching me is so bad... But I just don't want him crying. Anything but that.
"Car?"
"Yeah. I have a car." I admit.
"Why did y-you make me use the...the motorcycle, then?" He asks.
"Because. It's what I drive. I don't drive the car. Unless I have to."
Because I wanted to be close to you.
"Don't make me use it again." He looks up at me with those tearful bright blue eyes.
God. Anything to make him stop crying.
"Okay," I murmur softly, "I'll start driving you in the car. Please just quit crying."
"I c-can't. I'm sorry. D-Don't be mad." He rubs his eyes again, more violently this time.
"I'm not mad. I don't mind, really. I would rather you be comfortable."
I mind. I don't like the car nearly as much, but if it makes him happy... Whatever makes him stop crying.
"Whenever you want, I'll drive you home...in the car."
"Can I... Can I have s-something to drink first? Juice?"
"Yeah. I'll go get you some." I say, leaving the room and taking the stairs way quicker than safe, glad to have something I can do to help.
I pour a cup, and as I run back upstairs, mom yells at me to quit running in the house. I don't.
I slow down at the top and open the door quietly. "All we have is orange juice. Is that okay?" I ask, opening the door.
"Y-Yeah..."
I hold it out to him. "Here."
"Thanks." He takes it cautiously.
"Of course. Anything to help." I say, sitting on the bed, giving him space.
I don't know why he freaked like that. Does he really think I'm going to hurt him?
"... Next time, if you could just say high five first. Please." He murmurs.
"Yeah. I will. I'm sorry."
"Thanks... Don't feel bad. It really wasn't your fault."
"Okay. I won't." I will.
I don't get it at all. We were having fun, like, six minutes ago. And now... I had to have fucked something up.
I wish I hadn't fucked his cousin...
A... Amy? Ali?
I don't care. She's not important.
I watch him slowly take a drink of juice with shaky hands.
If I could touch him, I would hug him. He looks so miserable.
"You're lying. I'm s-serious, you don't have to feel bad. It was my fault."
"I'll...try not to. How the fuck would it be your fault? You got scared. It's okay."
"I got scared for no reason. I'm not allowed to get scared for no reason. It's against the rules."
"You can with me. I don't have rules for you. You don't have to follow rules with me."
"No way. I'll get in trouble. I-I'm already d-doing enough shit. I can't keep..." He trails off weakly.
"Breaking the rules is okay here. I won't punish you for anything. It won't hurt for you to just relax. You're so high strung all the time. Just drink your juice and breathe."
"I can't- Damien... You don't need to be nice to me."
"I do need to be nice to you." I admit softly.
"Why?"
"Because I don't think anyone is nice to you, and everyone deserves someone that is nice to them, especially someone as amazing as you, Josiah," I sigh, "I know. The bully is talking about being nice."
It's dumb, but... I have no real answer for him.
I don't know if I've ever called him Josiah out loud until today. It seems so...intimate.
"I-I... You... Really? Are you s-serious? I don't need anyone to be n-nice to me. I'm okay."
"I'm dead serious. It's not okay. I want...to be nice to you. I want to make you lunch, with dinosaur facts and stickers. And I want to drive you to and from school so you don't have to walk. Because...I want to be your...friend."
There. I admitted it.
"I know. I said I wouldn't ever, but..." I go on, looking down and crossing my arms, "I think we could be good friends...outside of school. Like we are now."
He stares blankly at me for a moment, before taking a sip of his juice. "That would be a major waste of time for you."
"W-What? Why?" I shuffle my feet.
I shouldn't have been so open. This happens every time I get to close with someone... I fuck it up.
"Sorry, if I was too forward. I can just take you home if you want..."
"Don't get upset like I insulted you. I'm just saying that I'm not a good friend...not that you have any good friends, but... I think you should."
"That's why I'm asking you."
"I'm not good by any means, Damien."
"I mean, I think you're a good friend. If you let it happen."
"I don't know if we should risk what we have now..." He says.
"We don't have anything now. What we have now isn't even anything. I just want to be your friend."
"You said if being friends doesn't work out, then we'll go back to not knowing each other. Then I won't be able to come here and eat or relax or whatever anymore..."
"It's going to work." It has to, I don't like the idea of him being alone anymore. It scares me. Because all the sudden, I care. And now I have to look out for him.
"You don't know that."
"I know it. I can tell. I have a gut feeling. And my intuition doesn't steer me wrong. What do you say? Can we just be friends?"
"Okay... But still no talking at school?"
"Ethan and Hunter would....be mad. But you can text all you want." I wish we could all just get along, but they would beat the shit out of him in a heartbeat.
"Um... I can't promise anything, but I can try."
If my friends found out... Oh, God...
"I can text you if I need help, then?" He asks.
"You can. But I don't know if I can come to the rescue every time."
I don't want him thinking friends means I'll be able to fix everything.
"I know. I'm sorry. I just figured that, you're so concerned about me when I'm here, but at school...you know."
"Yeah. It's understandable. I can't...stop all the bullying, but I can handle fucking Logan Haas."
"Thanks, and... Can I ask you to do one more thing?"
"Yeah."
"If something happens at home... C-Can I come here? Like, if I get locked out again. Or if they're really mad."
"Of course. You can come anytime. Or, if you want...give me your phone." I say, and he hands it over. I put a number in before giving it back. "I put Pierre's number in, too. That way if you need something and I don't answer, you can call him. Okay? But you can come over here and stay as long as you want to."
"He's an adult... Can I really trust him?"
"I trust him with everything. You don't have to call him if you don't want to. But I just like knowing he's there if you need him."
"Okay. I-I'll call him if I can't reach you."
"Good. Are you...feeling any better?"
I doubt it, but I don't know what else to say.
I wish I could tell him everything would be okay.
But I can't promise shit like that.
"Yeah... I, uh... I really didn't mean to flinch like that. I can't see, so when I notice something come at me or move really fast, it's a habit."
Right.
"Well, I'll say it next time. I'll try to be better about announcing stuff."
I don't want to scare him, at all.
"Thanks. It'll be appreciated." He mumbles.
"Right, do you want to go home, or do you want to stay for a bit...?"
I shuffle a bit.
"Damien, I never want to go home. Just take me home whenever you're sick of me."
"The problem is, I don't want you to leave," I shrug, "I guess that you're staying here."
"I should be home by bedtime... around 8 or 9." He says.
"Well then, we have a few hours," I look at him, "Can I sit back down beside you? Or do you want me to stay over here?"
"You can do whatever you want."
"Let me rephrase that. Will you be upset if I sit down beside you?"
"Probably."
"Then I'll stay over here," I pause for a moment, "So...do you want more dinosaur facts in your lunch on Monday?"
"Yeah. I could barely read them, though."
"I figured. I tried to write them bigger, but I don't know, like...how big... I guess that maybe I should just leave them out. I just thought it would be nice..."
"I like them. And they're good the way they are. I could read it when I held it close. Like always." "Okay. I'll keep doing it, then. Is there anything else I can make for you? Or that you like to eat?" "I already told you before that I really don't know. I've always just eaten whatever they're willing to give me. I don't know what any of it is."
"I just don't want to make something you don't like."
He shifts a bit. "I guess so."
I run a hand through my hair nervously. "I know you said it's not me, but I just want you to know I would never hurt you. Like, I'm mean to people. But not to you. Not on purpose."
"You're used to hurting people and I'm used to getting hurt. So, it wouldn't matter if you did. Don't worry about it."
"But..." I stare into his eyes, "I don't want to do that to you. I don't want to hurt you."
"I get hurt no matter where I go. Why would here need to be any different?"
"I want you to feel safe. With me. Because you should feel safe with your friends. And I want to be your friend."
"Yeah, we're friends... I'm just saying that I don't know how to do that. Feel safe or be friends."
"Neither do I." I admit.
"At least not like this."
"But maybe we can figure it out."
"Maybe. Do you feel safe with your friends?"
"... Mostly. But it's a different type of relationship."
"It's not different. And I wouldn't feel safe with your friends. Ever. I don't see how you are, even mostly."
"Yeah. It's complicated. But maybe we can have something different. Be honest with each other. Be safe."
It would be really nice to have someone I could just talk to. No matter what.
"I've been honest with you. Have you been honest?"
...About what was important.
"Yeah. And I will be."
Mostly...
End