Christmas has never been an amazing time in my house.
We've never really had enough money for presents. We rarely traveled to visit family and they were never invited here. It was just us, a lonely Christmas tree and ignored tension.
And the Jones family. We've never spent a Christmas without them. Part of me feels guilty for wishing they wouldn't come over today.
Studying myself in the mirror, I tug at the oversized red sweater. The sound of laughter and Christmas carols echo upstairs.
Ignoring how horrible I still look, I head downstairs just as our front door opens.
"We got the booze!" Emmy Sanchez cheers, holding two bottles of liquor in his hands.
Gabe closes the door behind him, "Let's get drunk in the name of holiday joy."
"It's 10 a.m." I remind him.
"But it's 5 o'clock somewhere." Emmy winks.
"Yup, that's my kid." Uncle Ricardo sighs from the couch.
"Care to join us, Jo?" Gabe asks and the thought of alcohol makes my stomach queasy.
"No thanks." Drunk Jovie is never allowed to join the party again. She makes bad choices that sober Jovie follows.
It's an addiction within itself and I'm cutting myself off.
"You disappoint me more and more every day." Gabe shakes his head. "Go knit a sweater with Drew."
Snorting, I jab him with my elbow on the way to the kitchen.
"Hello, Darling." Mom kisses my head. "How did you sleep?"
"Fine." I lie. I almost snuck into Gentry's room just to listen to him snore. That's how miserable I am.
She stops chopping celery and my aunts share a look from their spots at the countertop.
Making myself a cup of coffee, I groan. "Please, for the love of Christmas, don't silently talk about me while I'm in the room."
"We're not." All three of them smile.
Gosh, if people think it's weird when twins do it then they've never met triplets. It feels like a scene from a horror movie.
"Yes, you are." I pour sugar into my cup. "I'm a twin. I do the same thing."
"I don't know why you had twins, Al." Aunt Hallie pouts. "It's no fun when they know our secrets."
Aunt Callie snorts, dicing potatoes. "Gentry is still oblivious. We can let the only girl in on our secrets."
"Gentry is always oblivious." I remind her.
"Oh, leave my boy alone." Mom shushes us.
Footsteps rattle the house and my brothers run through the kitchen.
"Don't tell Gabe you saw us." Garner says.
"Why?" I raise a brow.
"Because I want Avery Adam's number and he has it." My twin tries to guess the password. "Oh, cookie."
He shoves a burnt cookie in his mouth and Garner takes the phone back.
"Why do you have Gabe's phone?" Drew asks, carrying a few empty cups to the sink.
"No reason." They try to hide it.
"He told you about the bunny video?" Drew's eyes widen in panic.
"The what?" Gentry asks, getting crumbs on the floor.
"Nothing." Drew tries to play it off.
"Fuck that." Garner smiles. "We're getting into the phone for that. Forget the model."
"I'll kill you." Drew says.
"You're afraid of a bunny video." Gentry laughs. "Bring it on, cuz."
"One, that video is of drunk Drew hopping around like a bunny dressed in nothing but a bow tie and tighty whities." Gabe says. "Two, give me my phone."
"Give me the models number."
"Give me the bunny video."
They have an intense stare off and just when I think things are going to get interesting, they all turn to the adults. "Mom!"
"I was out at tighty whities." Aunt Hallie grins.
"I have Avery's number." Aunt Callie shrugs.
"Don't break his phone." Mom sighs.
Drew and Gabe share a look, "We can take 'em."
"Totally." Drew nods. "We're older."
"Hey, old men." I knock on the counter. "They're gone."
Our moms are dying with laughter as the two idiots run out the garage door.
"We should've had daughters." Aunt Hallie sighs.
"You're getting one in like a month." Aunt Callie swats her. "At this rate, Gabriel will never get married."
"Five bucks he makes you the first grandma." I mutter.
"At this rate, at least it's another baby to snuggle." She sighs.
"What about Johnny's kids?" Mom asks.
My aunts shake their head. "They make Kat and Matty's kids seem like angels."
"Scarlett can babysit them." Aunt Hallie offers.
"Serves John right for always giving our kids bad ideas." Aunt Callie snickers. "But he does have two daughters."
"Be jealous, bitches." Mom winks at me. "My girl is amazing."
It's hard to smile back at her. I'm amazing all right.
"Why are you guys prepping dinner so early?" I change the subject. "And why are you letting mom help."
"Never mind." Mom deadpans as her sisters cackle. "Girls are too much sass."
"Lesson one, little Jo." Aunt Callie grins. "We're not really cooking. We're gossiping."
"So when does the cooking start?" Someone will have to feed us at some point.
"When they leave and the men step in." Uncle Ricardo chirps, rummaging through the pantry.
"You're not allowed in my kitchen." Mom snips.
He grins, "Allie cat, you wound me."
"Not yet." Mom rolls her eyes. "Hand me a knife and we can fix that."
I choke on my laughter. Oh, yeah, I definitely got my sass from my mother.
My aunts raise a brow and I catch onto their silent conversation. That little story Uncle Ricardo told me last night replays in my mind and I decide I should exchange my coffee for tea.
There's no way. Aunt Hallie winks at me, pressing a finger to her lips.
"Ricky, you could go save my son from getting his ass kicked." Aunt Hallie grins. "I'd hate for you to pay for a wedding where the groom is missing a front tooth."
"Who else needs help?" He asks, grabbing a handful of chopped celery from my mom's cutting board.
"My son." Aunt Callie cleans her knife.
"Gabriel can suffer." Ricardo shrugs and I snicker. All three women glare at him and he holds his hands up. "You notice that my two kids are behaving."
"Your son is getting drunk and your daughter is playing poker with our husbands." Aunt Callie crosses her arms.
"At least they aren't fighting." He sticks his tongue out, leaving to play referee.
Once he's gone, all eyes are on me.
"Jovie, how's your boyfriend?" Aunt Hallie asks innocently.
"Fine, I guess." I study my coffee. We haven't really talked since he left.
"Will we be able to meet him?" Aunt Callie pushes.
"No." I snap. "I mean, we aren't working out." Because I'm a cheating whore. "So I think I'm gonna end it when he gets back."
Mom sets her knife down and pulls me in for a hug. "Are you okay with that?"
"I'll survive."
"Alright." She kisses my head. "Thank God you didn't sleep with him."
"Mother." I hiss, turning as red as my hair.
"Sorry." She grins, returning to her food.
I spend over an hour in the kitchen, listening to them gossip about people I know and total strangers. It's nice to hear my mom laugh this much.
"When's Lena joining?" Aunt Hallie questions.
Mom checks the time. "Soon. Hopefully she's bringing wine."
"Oh, how is Aspen?" Aunt Callie questions. "He has always been a handsome boy."
I take it back, let's talk about my sex life. Any topic will be better than this.
"He's single." Mom laughs. "Lena's never been happier. She popped open a bottle of champagne to celebrate."
"He won't be single for long." Aunt Hallie nudges me. "Don't you agree, Jo?"
Forcing myself to look up from the floor, I grimace. "I-I suppose."
I can feel mom watching me and before I can do something drastic, like chop my hand off to pull their attention away from Aspen, footsteps sound in the hall.
"I brought wine and a baby." Lena appears, a wild grin on her face. "Who we shit talking first?"
"I'll take the baby." Giving her a quick hug, I grab Brooklynn. Studying them, I can't help but worry. "Please put the knifes up."
Mom in the kitchen is dangerous. Mom wine drunk in the kitchen is deadly.
Walking into the TV room, I stop as I lock eyes with the one person I've been afraid to see. Aspen's frozen in the doorway, his coat halfway off. Neither of us speak. Neither of us move. We just stare.
A thousand different emotions rattle through me and I suddenly feel sick.
"Merry Christmas, Jo." Steve holds his arms out.
"Merry Christmas." I try to talk like my heart isn't pounding in my ears.
Houston nods as he goes to find Garner. Aspen takes a step forward and it knocks me from my daze.
"Where's Gabe?" I ask Manny.
"Getting drunk in the garage with Emmy." She grunts, shuffling the cards.
Spinning on my heel, I all but run out of the house.
I find the losers in the garage, sharing a bottle of bourbon. "What has you two hiding out here?"
"Women." Gabe drawls. "They're horrible."
"No offense, Jo." Emmy adds.
"Well, men aren't proving to be so sweet either." I mutter, joining them.
"What has you hurting?" Gabe demands, trying to seem sober.
"You two first." I counter, letting Brooklynn play with my bracelet.
She's like Gentry. Shiny objects entertain her.
Suddenly my cousin finds the bottle label interesting. The silence stretches out until Emmy looks at me. "I want a relationship, but, apparently, you commit to having fun and there's no take backs."
"I mean... a deal is a deal." I shrug. Don't make a commitment you can't keep. Look at that, I should follow my own advice.
"You're such a woman." He waves me off. "Deals get ditched."
"Why do you want a relationship?" Gabe turns to him. "We are young. Now is our time to shine."
"I'm old." Emmy grunts. "My light's dulling out."
"You have not graduated college yet." Gabe slaps him. "College is our time to roam the galaxy."
"I found a pretty planet." Emmy sighs. "I want to stay."
"So did I." Gabe nods. "I plan on returning. I'll build a house there and everything. I must explore first."
"You're a bad astronaut." Emmy says. "That's not the mission. The mission is to explore till you find a nice place to settle."
"No." My cousin drinks some more. "College is like a cool training session. We explore, discover what we like, and then once we've tested the planets to see where we'll survive best, we settle down."
"What if you forget where your favorite planet is?" I ask, hating the fact I'm playing along.
"I can't do that." He laughs. "I see my planet all the time."
"What... what if your planet gets tired of waiting for you to come back?" I wonder a little quieter.
"We have a deal. It's cool. I'm exploring other planets and my planet is welcoming other visitors."
"So is mine." Emmy snatches the bottle.
Gabe's phone rings and I watch in horror as he fumbles with it. "Hello, Barbie."
That's a horrible pet name.
"I'm with Jo and Emmy. Nice of you to ask" He says a little snippy. "No, I will not tell you how much I've had to drink."
I don't even think he knows.
"Merry Christmas, what's my present?" He grins but it falls. "This call is a shitty present."
Whoever is on the other line talks and eventually the phone is handed to me.
"Hello?"
"Jovie, hi, it's Avery. Scarlett's cousin." Avery Adams offers through the phone.
"Hi, how are you?" I ask. Like I could forget who Avery Adams is. Gentry is gonna be pissed he missed this.
"I'm great. Just try to take the booze away from the idiots." She begs. "I thought he was joking when he said his plan was to get drunk. Dumbass gets upset and thinks booze is the answer to his problems."
"I think I can do that." I assure her, eyeing the losers. "Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas to you too." She says.
Hanging up, I steal the bottle. "Get a hold of yourselves."
"I'm legal." Emmy crosses his arms. "You can't take my liquor."
"You need to stop pouting about your planet. If you like it so much, claim it." I snap before turning to my pathetic cousin. "You do not get to whine about a planet you chose to leave."
"I'm not pouting." Gabe grumbles. "I just don't like it's current visitor."
Groaning, I throw the bottle away. "I don't care. Stop talking about women like they're planets. It's weird."
Brooklynn starts to cry, and I want to scream. They're the adults here. "Grow up!"
I have my own solar system to worry about. I don't need this.
*****
"Dinner!" Lena shouts and it sounds like a heard of elephants run for the kitchen.
Getting up from my small chair that ensured no one could sit with me, I follow the animals.
"How are we all going to fit?" Houston asks, eyeing our normal sized table and the rather large group we have.
"We squish." Steve laughs.
"Good thing we all like each other." Mom grabs her plate and goes to find a seat.
Shuffling through the line, I barely pay attention to what I'm putting on my plate. What does grab my attention is someone taking my roll.
"Hey." Carbs are my friend.
My protest dies out when I discover Aspen beside me, placing a different roll on my plate. "These you can eat."
"Thanks." I mumble, desperate to put distance between us.
There's two spots open at the table right next to each other and there are two people who haven't sat down yet. Me and Aspen. My hands shake as I try to find a solution.
"Jo, sit down." Garner throws a napkin at me. "I want to eat."
Aspen sits and I accidentally make eye contact with him. The look on his face makes me feel worse. He knows I won't sit by him.
"Move." I nudge Gentry.
"Why?"
"Because I want to sit next to Gabe." I lie.
My twin goes to protest but I silently beg him to listen. Grumbling about how annoying I am, he moves.
"Well then." Mom clears her throat and I act like the entire table isn't gawking at me. "Let's eat."
*****
Christmas Day feels like it'll never end.
After dinner, we open presents. After presents, we have dessert. After dessert, the adults want to drink. Drinking leads to catching up. Catching up leads to a bunch of kids left alone.
I sit on the couch, ignoring my brothers and cousins as they bicker about what movie to watch. Someone joins me and I don't have to check to see who it is. I just know it's him.
"I need some fresh air." I announce to whoever is listening and grab my jacket.
The cold December air nips at my face. The feeling is a welcome distraction if I'm being honest. It's nice to feel something other than guilt, even if it's for a few seconds. Laying down in the grass, I look up at the night sky and I feel a little better.
"The stars are beautiful."
Why am I not surprised? Aspen joins me on the ground and being so close to him feels like torture.
"Talk to me." He says.
"I can't." I admit. For the first time in my life, I have nothing to say to Aspen Jones. Words have always been easy for us. We laugh. We fight. We comfort. We love. But right now, I have nothing.
"Then at least look at me, Jojo." He begs.
"I can't." I whisper, fixated on the stars above. Looking at Aspen hurts me more than I'd care to admit. My heart flutters and my stomach churns. I get so happy and then hate myself for feeling that way.
"Please listen." He says and I nod.
That I can do.
"What I did was wrong." He starts.
"I'm the one who kissed you."
"This goes deeper than our trip, Jojo." He reminds me and I freeze.
"I kissed you on purpose that night we got kicked out of the student section." He says. "I wasn't drunk when I kissed you again later that night. I was tipsy, but I knew what I was doing."
"Then why did you do it?" My voice cracks.
"The first time I did it was because I was jealous. I've always been able to remove myself from your decisions. I always knew they meant nothing and as long as you were good, I was okay. But I saw how you treated Beau. It freaked me out and I kissed you because I thought it would change something."
"We made a deal when we were still kids. We did things we weren't ready for and it hurt us. When I realized he was going to stick around, it pissed me off because he's a total tool." He continues. "Once I broke up with Mere, I thought... I thought... God, this makes me sound like a complete ass."
"Say it."
"I thought if I could remind you of us, you'd change your mind. I thought if I flirted with you and reminded you of how we made each other feel, that you'd change your mind." He kicks the ground. "So I pushed your rules because I wanted more. I wanted you and I didn't give a shit about anything else."
"I'm sorry. That's not who I am and that's not what you deserve." He sighs.
"I still kissed you." I'm the one to blame, not him.
"You did kiss me." He nods. "You were drunk. I wasn't. I shouldn't have kissed you back. I shouldn't have confronted you about it the next day. I shouldn't have kissed you."
"I kissed you back." That was a decision I made. I could've slapped him. I could've stopped him. I didn't.
"Stop being stubborn and listen." He manages a chuckle. "I'm sorry and I hope that one day you can forgive me for all the pain I've caused you."
"I'm not mad at you, Penny." I sit up.
"You can't look at me." He points out. "You refuse to be near me."
"That's not your fault." I assure him. "It's mine."
"But I'm still part of the reason you're hurting." He says. No, he's not. I did this to myself.
In silence we lay there. So much being said as we say nothing.
"Do you remember what happened after your last major allergic reaction?" He asks and I nod.
How can I forget almost dying?
"I told you I'd protect you forever, even when I couldn't. Even when you wouldn't tell me what was hurting you. I promised I'd figure it out." He recalls. "Right now, I'm hurting you."
"No, you're not." My heart cracks a little. "Penny, I told you ,this is all me."
"You need your best friend right now, not another love interest." He says. "Everything that's happened with Peyton is hurting you. Everything with you dad is hurting you. Your relationship with Beau is hurting you. What we did is destroying you."
I want to grab his shoulders and shake him. Those are things I can handle. The cold spreads through my body as I process what he's saying.
"So you're breaking up with me before we can even get together?" I question.
"No, I'm putting our friendship first. If we rush into a relationship, your heart won't heal. That pain you feel will just grow." He says and I shake my head.
"There is no pain when I'm with you." There never has been and there never will be.
"You're hurting. I think in more ways than you'd care to admit." He grabs my hand. How can he say that? I know what I'm feeling and I'm not hurting. I'm mad at myself, sure. I screwed up, but that's it. "I promised to protect you. I'm sorry it took me this long to realize I had to protect you from me."
"Then what happens now?" I demand. "We just can't pretend this never happened."
He doesn't get to make these decisions for me. I have a say.
"We figure it out." He says and I pull my hand away. "Work things out with yourself. I can help fight your demons, but I can't slay them. If I could, I would."
A ringing echoes through my head. He can't be serious.
I cheated. I ruined a relationship. I betrayed my boyfriend. I have beat myself up for what we did and now he's telling me it was all for nothing. Congrats, I know we kissed and admitted we have feelings but now isn't the time.
Fuck that.
"What if I don't want to see you while I heal?" I ask.
He winces. "Then I'll respect your wishes."
"Go to hell, Aspen."
He stands up and I stay where I am. "I know you're mad at me. I know I hurt you. I'm always going to be here, Jovie. Even when you don't want me to be. You can curse my name. You can yell at me. You can punch me. I'd much rather you feel this way now than further down the road when healing won't be as easy."
I don't need to heal. I'm fine.
"I love you, Jojo." He says.
Scoffing, I don't say it back. His footsteps fade out as he walks off.
Tears stream down my face, blinding my view of the stars and that's okay. I'm now stranded without a planet. My universe can go dark if there's nothing left.
****
This chapter hurt.
LiL and LiH's updates this week were emotional wrecks. I bawled. ItE hurt me in a different way. I didn't cry in this chapter but it took me days to write. I kept putting it off because I knew the end would suck.
Aspen stole my heart here. It takes a lot to admit you're part of the problem. It takes a lot to separate yourself from the person you love because you are causing them pain, especially when all you wanted was that person.
Jovie might hate him right now and that's understandable, but in the long run it's healthier. Jojo has a long way to go on her healing journey.