It was still light outside when Felix and Jeongin got the bus home. The two of them were sat at the very back, Jeongin leaning against the window with Felix beside him. Felix was trying to look out the window but he usually found himself looking at Jeongin instead, admiring the small smile on his lips and his head pressed against the glass as he watched the cars drive by.
"Jeongin, can I have your phone number?" Felix asked, remembering he didn't have it.
"I don't have a phone," Jeongin admitted, pushing himself away from the window, "we're not allowed them at home. We're not even allowed TV unless it's a Saturday night," he added with a half-hearted chuckle.
"Oh, that sucks," Felix mumbled but Jeongin gave him a nonchalant shrug.
"I don't mind. It's not like I know what I'm missing," he said, resting his head against the window but this time looking a bit more distant.
"What are you thinking about?" Felix asked.
"I don't know," he mumbled, "I guess I'm just wondering if I had a phone before I was put into foster care, or at least a TV."
"So...you really don't remember anything from your past?"
Jeongin shook his head, "everything is blank."
Seeing the sullen look return to Jeongin's face after seeing him smiling all day was awful. Felix wanted to make it go away but it was too late. The bus was arriving at his stop in less than a minute. He pressed the stop button and said, "Jeongin?"
"Yeah?"
Felix hesitated but when he only had a few seconds before he needed to get off the bus, he moved forward and pressed his lips against Jeongin's cheek. It was quick, merely a peck but Felix couldn't bring himself to look at Jeongin's reaction as he jumped out of his seat and rushed towards the opening doors of the bus. He almost bumped into an elderly lady in his panicked fit but he made sure to apologise profusely before finally turning to look at Jeongin.
Jeongin stared after Felix at first, but as he got further away, a smile got wider on his face. By the time Felix had turned around, he was grinning, trying to cover it by pressing his lips together but it was too obvious. He saw the proud look on Felix's face as he stepped off the bus and it set off again, going to Jeongin's stop next.
The smile wouldn't stay off Jeongin's face no matter what he did. He was almost giddy with excitement as he got off at his stop and thanked the bus driver. The bus stop was close to his house but he didn't look up from the pavement. He missed Rose standing by the gates, carrying two shopping bags in her hands and staring at him. He almost jumped when he finally noticed her.
"Oh...hello," he said, voice small as his smile began to fade. He wasn't sure what she'd seen but she didn't look happy. It was rare for him to get in trouble. The thought of it alone made him panic.
"Jeongin, where did you come from?" Rose inquired. Jeongin wanted to reply but when he opened his mouth, the words wouldn't come out. He froze, unsure what to do or say. "Don't ignore me. I saw you getting off the bus. I thought you were meant to be with Seungmin today."
"I-I was."
"Seungmin came back an hour ago. You lied to us?"
Jeongin dropped his head, "I'm sorry."
"Go inside," Rose said, voice risen which made Jeongin flinch. His head was spiralling with a million thoughts as he started to walk down the drive. It was only when he reached for the door handle that he started to feel it happening. When his hand touched the cold metal, the world around Jeongin became foggy. It was a feeling Jeongin had experienced many times but he didn't like it. He didn't feel in control as he stepped through the door. The world around him started to feel less and less real.
"Sit in the living-room," Rose said and Jeongin obliged, following the route he knew led to the living-room but even something as simple as that started to feel strange. He saw everything through a distorted lens and his thoughts were racing too quickly for him to catch onto any of them.
Seungmin was called into the room and he sat on the sofa beside Jeongin, immediately noticing that something was wrong. He was zoned out, but it was worse than usual, like it was when he got stressed. "Are you ok? Did something happen?" Seungmin asked but didn't get a response as Rose walked into the room, Justin following behind her.
"What's wrong?" He asked his wife. Seungmin wanted an answer to that question too.
"Jeongin and Seungmin lied to us," she accused and Seungmin realised she must have caught Jeongin coming home. He looked over at him again, but he was still staring blankly at the floor as if he was oblivious to everything around him. "I found Jeongin getting off the bus but he wouldn't tell me where he went."
"Is that true?" Justin asked, eyes landing on Jeongin who turned his head at the question but didn't answer. He was staring at Justin as if he couldn't quite make out what was happening. Had he asked a question?
"It's true but please don't be mad," Seungmin interjected, "it's my fault, I'm the one who lied to you. Jeongin didn't have anything to do with it. I knew he didn't want to come with me on the youth club trip so I... I gave him some money to get the bus home. He must have got lost on his way to the bus stop, that's why he's late home." Seungmin couldn't believe how confidently the lie left his lips.
"Is that true, Jeongin?" Rose asked.
Jeongin managed to nod but not much else. His world around him was still a blur, almost unreal- no, definitely unreal. Jeongin didn't believe anything around him was real anymore.
"Well, why didn't you say that then?" Rose rolled her eyes. Seungmin was surprised she believed him. He knew he was the most trustworthy of the foster children, but he didn't think he'd get away with blatant lies. "I'm not happy you didn't tell me when you got home Seungmin, but I'll let it slide as you're usually both so good."
Seungmin nodded and got to his feet as Rose and Justin went their own ways. Jeongin remained where he was sitting, blinking twice as he looked at Seungmin, or rather, through him. "Innie, what's wrong?" Seungmin asked, kneeling down in front of him and placing his hands on his knees, "does it feel bad again?"
"I don't know," Jeongin whispered, so much quieter than usual, "this isn't...it doesn't feel real."
"Where's your soldier?"
Jeongin opened his hand that he'd balled up into a fist, showing Seungmin the plastic toy he relied on whenever things got too much. It was a token, a symbol of reality that helped bring him back most times.
"Is he helping?" Seungmin asked but Jeongin shook his head. "It's ok, I promise you everything is real. Come with me," he said, taking hold of Jeongin's free hand and leading him in the direction of their shared bedroom. Seungmin's touch eased him a little, but not enough to help. He felt so disconnected.
When they reached their room, Seungmin led Jeongin to his bottom bunk where he lay down in between his three stuffed animals and multiple pillows. He closed his eyes but he already felt like he was lost in a dream.
"You'll talk to your therapist about this on Monday, won't you, Innie?" Seungmin asked, sitting on the edge of his bed and gnawing at his bottom lip.
Jeongin replied with a brief nod and Seungmin sighed, grabbing the blanket from the end of the bed and draping it over his body. He placed Snowy under one of Jeongin's arms and pressed a kiss to his forehead. "Try and get some sleep. I'm sure everything will be ok in the morning."
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The sun had barely risen when Seungmin woke up. At first, he didn't know why he was awake so early, but when he heard a few muffled sounds coming from below him, he realised why. Jeongin was crying. He didn't waste any time scrambling towards the edge of his bed and rushing down the ladder to see Jeongin curled up into a ball. His duvet mostly concealed his face and Snowy covered the rest, hugged close for comfort.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Seungmin whispered, kneeling on the floor beside Jeongin who tried to wipe his eyes but it didn't work, there were too many tears.
"It happened again, Minnie," he whispered back, hands tightening around the teddy.
"What happened again?"
"My memory...I can't remember. It's just like when I arrived here. I can't remember."
"What can't you remember?"
"Last night. I only remember getting off the bus and then waking up here. I barely remember anything else," Jeongin mumbled, letting out a shaky breath, "I'm scared. What if I forget everything again? What if I lose my memories? What if I don't remember you?"
Seungmin quickly shook his head, moving forward and brushing a hand through Jeongin's black hair. "That's not going to happen, Innie. You remember what your therapist said, right? You don't remember the past because something traumatic happened but where we are now isn't traumatic. You're safe here and so are your memories."
"Then why don't I remember last night?"
"Because you were scared, Innie. You're not used to getting told off so you didn't know how to deal with it and your brain blocked it out for you. It was helping you."
"Did...did Rose tell me off? I think I remember seeing her."
"Yes, but it's ok now," Seungmin said, twirling a strand of Jeongin's hair around his fingers. "I sorted everything out. You don't need to worry, just try and get some more sleep and if you're still not ok in a couple of hours then I'll ask Rose if you can miss church today, ok?"
"Yeah," Jeongin mumbled, "Thank you, Minnie."
Seungmin smiled, "it's ok, sweetie."
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Seungmin felt bad as he kneeled beside Jeongin's bed for a second time. He didn't want to wake him up; he wanted to let Jeongin stay in bed all day, but Rose said he wasn't allowed to miss church under any circumstances. Seungmin thought she'd make him go to church if he was on his death bed too.
He reached a hand forward and gently shook Jeongin's shoulder. The younger started to stir, letting out a small whine but not opening his eyes. "Innie, you've got to get up."
"I don't want to," he mumbled, burying his face into the pillow which muffled his words, "too tired."
Seungmin sighed, "I know but Rose won't let you miss church so you have to get ready."
"But I really don't want to go."
"Alright, I'll have to make you then," Seungmin said, standing up and pulling the covers away from Jeongin's body. Jeongin whined in protest but Seungmin ignored him, putting one of his arms under Jeongin's legs and the other under his arms as he lifted him off the mattress. Jeongin continued to whine as Seungmin forced him to stand on the floor.
"When did you get strong?" He furrowed his brow.
"You're as light as a feather. I don't have to be strong," Seungmin scoffed, "now go get changed and I'll get you something to eat."
Jeongin sighed. He didn't feel like eating anything. He didn't eat much to begin with, but now his appetite had faded even more. He knew saying that would worry Seungmin though, so he replied with a simple nod and watched Seungmin walk out the room. He wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep as he walked towards their en suite.
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Throughout the church service, Jeongin couldn't stop thinking about Felix, but he rarely listened anyway, often zoning out. Despite going to church every Sunday he wasn't religious like Seungmin, he was more agnostic than anything. Going to church was a waste of his time.
He almost forgot about Felix kissing him on the cheek until he was walking to church that morning. He'd tried to find him in the park on the walk past but he couldn't see him. He wasn't surprised though; it was early morning. He didn't know what the cheek kiss had meant. Was it friendly? Was it romantic? Jeongin wasn't sure but the latter got him thinking.
Was he fit to be in a relationship? He couldn't help but think he wasn't. Half the time he couldn't voice his thoughts, sometimes he was so numb he didn't want to get out of bed and his family didn't let him go anywhere except college, church and the park. On top of that, Jeongin lived with the constant fear of forgetting who he was. If Felix liked him, Jeongin would no doubt be a disappointment. It was probably best if Felix didn't like him.
"Where's your mind gone?" Seungmin asked when they walked out of church after the service ended. Jeongin barely noticed the time had passed.
"I'm just thinking," Jeongin mumbled.
"What about?"
"Do you think...I'm capable of being in a relationship?"
"A relationship?" Seungmin exclaimed, "when did you get into a relationship?"
"No, no, I'm not in a relationship," Jeongin quickly shook his head, "I was just thinking if I was in one...wouldn't I be a let-down? I barely know who I am so how is anybody else supposed to, nevermind love me."
"You would not be a let-down and anyone who thinks you are doesn't deserve you," Seungmin affirmed, "you don't know who you are and it's harder for you to figure that out when you don't remember so much, but nobody knows who they are at this age, I still don't know who I am. I know somebody is going to love you for who you are though and if I'm not wrong, you want that someone to be Felix?"
"Maybe," Jeongin mumbled. He looked up, over at the park and skatepark they were passing by. He tried to find Felix and he succeeded, but he didn't go running to him. He stayed beside Seungmin and dropped his head back to the ground. He felt like he wouldn't be the most sociable if he went over to him. "I'm not sure though."
"Did he do anything? At the aquarium?"
Jeongin knew what Seungmin was trying to ask. He was trying to ask if Felix had done anything Jeongin was uncomfortable with and Jeongin wasn't sure why that annoyed him so much. "No, Seungmin. He got excited about the seal show, scared of the crocodiles and he kissed me on the cheek when he left. He's harmless."
The agitation in Jeongin's voice was obvious. Seungmin nodded, knowing he didn't have to worry too much. He saw Jeongin stealing one last look at Felix but he didn't ask why he wasn't going over to him. He already knew. Jeongin was doubting himself, especially when he'd been abandoned and left alone most of his life. Seungmin often felt the same way. "I'm sure he likes you, Innie, no matter your flaws. You're perfect to me and I'm sure he thinks the same."