Chapter 22
6 years ago- College
"I can't believe you did it!" I squealed hugging the life out of Xander.
"I did. God bless." He stated laughingly, hugging me back.
I felt my stomach drop, knowing that it was only a matter of time that he would return back home.
He had told me he was planning on leaving at the end of the month, needing to finish unpacking and sorting through some things.
I silently thanked God for the extra time being given.
"Tonight we celebrate!" I told him excitedly, kissing his cheek.
"I want nothing more than to just sit in my backyard with you, under the fire with a beer in hand, Soph." He stated taking me by my hand as we walked back to his house.
We had just left his graduation where too much of my surprise, his parents decided not to attend.
I understood that they lived overseas, but he was their only son. Xander stated that his mother fell ill right before and opted out on making the trip out here.
That I could understand, but such poor timing.
I was hoping to meeting them today.
To talk to them.
Xander threw his arm over my shoulder and took out his phone.
"For my parents," he stated taking a picture of us.
Laughing, I threw on his cap on my head and smiled as he snapped the photo.
"Now, let's go back home. I want to enjoy every second I have with you." He stated shooting me a soft smile.
Smiling back at him, he walked us away from the crowds and down the street to his place.
Walking into his house, we were bombarded immediately with everyone who had joined his graduation, throwing confetti at him.
"CONGRATULATIONS!" Lennox screamed alongside fifty other people.
Laughing, I noticed Reese pull Xander in for a hug.
"Fucks sake man, you really did it!" He shouted, causing everyone to scream.
Seeing one of the guys throw Xander a beer, he quickly opened it and chugged it as the boys were all hollering.
Lennox came up to me and pulled me off to the side.
"How are you holding up?" She asked, low enough so no one heard as we walked to the backyard.
I nodded my head slowly, "I'm okay."
She shot me a look as we sat near the bonfire.
"Soph. How are you, really? Have you talked to Xander at all?" She asked worried.
I shook my head no.
I couldn't talk to Xander about my apprehension. About my fear.
"You need to tell him Soph. And you need to do it soon." She urged.
"I will. I promise tonight. If not, then first thing in the morning. I swear." I pinky promised.
Lifting up her pinky, she grabbed mine and shot me a sad smile.
"Everything will be alright. I promise you," she reassured.
I felt hopeful, "I know it will be."
"Just remember, I'm always here for you." She added.
"I know you are Len, and I love you for that." I stated hugging her.
"I know that this wasn't what you had planned for him on his Grad night though, was it?" Lennox asked.
I laughed, "No honestly, this is great. Serves me a great distraction from everything else. And besides, I want him to enjoy what could be some of his last moments with those boys."
Looking over to the guys, they were all goofing around and poking fun at the other.
It was a nice sight to see.
"Let me know if you need backup, or if you just need me." Lennox stated, standing up on her feet.
"I will. Go have some fun," I told her, slapping her butt as she walked away.
About a half hour passed where Xander was mingling with the boys. I hadn't wanted to budge into his time, so I decided to mingle with some mutual friends that were invited to the party.
About an hour had passed and I was growing incredibly tired. It was only ten at night yet I felt my body slowly giving up.
Deciding on a hot shower, I ran upstairs to Xander's room and did just that. His room had been stripped of everything that I knew this last year as everything was packed away.
It was hitting me that he was leaving soon.
Going to the bathroom, I immediately hopped into the shower.
Feeling better after, I put on clean clothes I keep at his place and threw on shorts and a t-shirt.
Grabbing a blanket, I threw it around me and climbed outside his window the roof.
Once reaching the top, I threw around the blanket and looked below me and saw the bunches of people mingling.
I savored the moment, as I knew it would be one of the lasts up here.
Xander and I had yet to talk about what happened next for us, but I was hopeful. Especially with what I wanted to talk to him about, I knew that our story was just beginning.
Smiling down at the crowd, it wasn't until another half hour passed where I heard noise from the side.
Looking over, I saw Xander make his way to me.
"There you are," he stated breathlessly as he sat beside me.
"You're cold? It's beautiful out tonight," he added rubbing my legs.
"Just a little." I told him, looking at him. He was beaming all night long yet seemed to wearing a different expression with me.
"You alright?" I asked honestly.
He shot me a sad smile, "I'm more than alright now."
Pulling me to his chest, he kissed the top of my head as I heard his heart beat rapidly against my ear.
We sat outside for an hour, not uttering a single word.
We were really relishing in the moment together. Being present.
It wasn't until the party was winding down did he suggest we head down to sleep.
Doing so, we hopped in his bed and I struggled to sleep.
He got ready for bed, stripping down to just his boxers and jumped into bed, facing me so that we were face to face laying down.
Breaking the silence, I knew that my time was slowly coming to an end.
And we needed to talk.
A whole lot.
"Why? Why can't you stay? There's nothing holding you back," I pleaded.
He shot me a pained look, as if he was waiting for this moment, but never wanted it to come.
He looked pained, "Everything is holding me back. The only thing keeping me here is you."
"That should be enough," I stated with my heart in my throat.
He squeezed his eyes shut at my words, as if I had physically hurt him.
He let out a shaky breath before speaking.
"You don't understand."
"Then make me understand please. That's all I've ever wanted. Just please, Alexander, don't leave." I pleaded grabbing his hands into mine.
"I have no other choice. Soph." He said sadly.
I felt my heart beat rapidly.
But you do now.
I should be enough.
Not anything else.
But I didn't feel that I was.
"Shhh. I don't want to upset you. We can talk about this tomorrow," he stated kissing my lips softly.
"Xander, there's so much I have to tell you. That I want us to talk about," I told him honestly.
I didn't know how much longer I could wait to talk to him.
"I know, love. Let's do it tomorrow, I'm exhausted. And I don't like seeing you upset." He added brushing my hair away from my face.
Taking it as a sign that maybe now wasn't the right time, I vowed that tomorrow would be.
Kissing him hard, he eagerly accepted my sudden request and grabbed me so that he kissed me long and hard.
Pulling me so that I was on top of him, he kissed me with every ounce of his being, sending me in a frenzy.
"Soph-" he breathed out In between kisses.
"Shh," I told him, tossing away whatever clothing separated us.
He pulled away from my lips and rested his forehead against mine and breathed softly.
I looked at his eyes that were shut tight.
He looked incredibly pained.
I could feel it.
My heart was beating uncontrollably.
The love that I had for the man in front of me, and I was days away from losing him.
I refused to think that this was the end for us.
"You have forever changed me, Sophia." He stated with his eyes shut.
He immediately grabbed my face and kissed me strongly, as if this kiss were his only source of air.
In that moment, it truly had been mine.
I woke up the following morning to the sun beaming through the windows.
Today was the day I talked to him.
Today was the day.
Feeling sorts of nervous yet also hope, I reached out to feel for him and noticed the other side of the bed empty.
Patting it again, I felt it completely empty and cold.
"Xander?" I called out.
Finding nothing but a piece of paper with my name on it, I knew it was from Xander by the handwriting.
Sitting upward, I read it quickly with my heart in my throat.
You need to live your life, Sophia. You have an amazing, bright future ahead of you that does not include me. There's so much you have yet to even endure. Fight for what you want, and believe in what you love. Go after it.
And please, find it in your heart to forgive me.
Alexander