"WHO WAS THAT LAST NIGHT?"
A chill ran through my spine as I heard his voice. I froze with my handle on the door. Father's deep voice rumbled out behind me, stopping me in my tracks. A dejected sigh left my lips as the thought of sneaking out unnoticed fell flat.
"I asked you a question boy," He snarled when I didn't reply. "Don't ignore me."
When I turned to face him, there was nothing but anger present on his face. His eyes were narrowed in cold, harsh stare, pinning me down. I drew in a shaky breath, forcing myself not to appear affected.
"No one," I rasped, clearing my voice. "Forget about it."
I knew by the expression on his face that my words had only angered him more. Dread crept over me like an icy chill, numbing my brain.
"Excuse me?" He chuckled, but it wasn't because what I said was funny. The floorboards creaked under his weight as he took a step forward. "This is my home, not yours. I have a right to know what kind of tramps you're bringing in late at night."
I swallowed down the anger that threatened to explode. While waves of fury rolled off me as the blood rose to my cheeks, I forced myself to stay still and set my steely glare on him.
"She's not a tramp," I hissed, "Don't talk about her like that."
"Do you expect me to believe anyone else would step six feet in your direction?" He scoffed in disbelief. "Don't be foolish in thinking you're something special just because everyone else knows you as my son."
My knuckles had turned white from clenching my fists too hard and an ache entered my mouth from gritting my teeth in an effort to remain silent. But even then, I breathed out through my nose harshly and kept my calm. Natalia's smiling face kept flashing in my mind for some reason, and the thought of even lifting a hand, had me drowning in guilt.
"Fuck off," I spat, my chest heaving up and down with heavy breaths, "I'm going to school. I'll be home later."
"Don't bother." He spoke as I turned to leave, and I stopped in my steps. Facing him, I blinked, a blank expression on my face.
"What?"
"I'm having important guests over later," He explained with a sneer. "I don't want you here when they come."
"Where the hell do you want me to go, then?" I spluttered, "How long will they be here?"
His face was mottled a dark crimson, and his eyes were nearly popping from their sockets. Without wiping away the spit from his face, he leaned closer and uttered three words, "I don't care."
Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a few crumpled notes and tossed them in my face. I flinched back, watching the small papers drift in the air and land on the floor.
"Just find somewhere to stay for tonight," He shrugged. "I don't want to see your face, do you hear me?"
I shook my head in disbelief and stared down at the money on the floor. My fingers curled tightly into small fists, digging my nails into the soft skin. I could almost see myself launching forward and smashing my fist into his nose, splattering red blood on the white walls in my mind. . . And it felt good.
But instead I just replied as if my jaw was wired shut, "Well you can fucking keep your money," I snarled. Pulling my foot back, I kicked the notes back in his direction. "I don't want anything that comes from you."
Amusement lit up his face at my reaction and he bellowed a laugh, "You know what I find funny? The fact that you actually think you're different from me."
"I am," I insisted, but my voice came out weaker than before. "I- I know I am."
"You don't even seem sure of yourself," Father chortled, "Who the hell are you trying to convince?"
I ran my hand through my hair in quick succession, fixing Father with a cold stare, "Once I get into college, I'm out of here. I'll get my own place, I'll be independent and I'll be ten times happier than I ever was in this shit hole with you -"
"With what money?" He jeered, "You want to be independent? Get a fucking job and then let's talk."
"You realize Mom left me money right?" I argued back with a smirk, "If you think I'm not using that to get out of here, then you must be crazy."
"Do you think you'll actually survive in the real world?" Father changed his route, tilting his head to the side as he examined me with his beady eyes, "Do you think you'll actually ever amount to anything on your own?"
"Fuck you," I choked, my voice so hoarse, I could barely speak. "I don't need to listen to this shit, this early in the morning."
"You're in denial son," He spat out the last word, almost mockingly at me, "And you know it. You're just too afraid to admit it."
With a barely concealed smirk, he turned on his heels and walked away while he hummed a tune under his breath. I was left standing there by the door, a burning anger shooting through my veins that was demanding to be released.
And I realized, whether I lashed out at him or not, he would still treat me like the carpet on which he walked.
***
"Is everything alright?"
Natalia gazed at me with her head tilted to the side. My skin prickled at how intensely she was watching me, but I stepped back and cleared my throat.
"Kind of," I shrugged, unsure of what else to say. "Just had a fight with Father this morning. That's all."
Natalia winced, her face scrunching up into sympathy. "Again?"
A heavy sigh left my lips, "Yeah. . . But it's fine. I just need to stick it out until college. Then I'm out of here."
"Are you staying local?" She asked curiously, "Wait, what are you going to study? I don't think I've ever asked you."
"Most likely I'll be staying around here," I replied, "It'll be less expensive for me. And. . . I - um. . ."
Seeing the hesitant look on my face, she nudged my shoulder. "Oh, come on! What is it? I really want to know now."
For a minute, I thought my face was on fire. I suddenly felt awkward; even going as far as attempting to hide behind my locker door.
"I want to study Social Work." I mumbled out.
A blinding smile lit up on Natalia's lips. "Really? Wow, Trevor, you know I didn't think you would go down that route," Her eyes suddenly widened and she shook her head, "Wait, not that I thought you wouldn't be good at it, I just thought you would study business or something -"
"It's alright Natalia," My lips twitched, and I coughed into my hand embarrassingly, "I know what you meant."
"Right," She tinkled a laugh, "Well, you know what? I think it's a great idea. What made you want to do that though? I didn't think you were a huge fan of kids, if I'm being honest."
"Well. . ." I lifted a hand to scratch the back of my neck and turned away from her penetrating stare. "I guess growing up as I did, I wish. . . I wish I had someone look out for me. I want to help kids grow up in a safe environment, and having been in their shoes. . . I think this might actually be something I would be good at."
A proud smile graced her face, and I almost felt like I didn't deserve to have her looking at me like that. "Well, I know if you do decide to be a social worker, that you'll be the best one out there."
"Yeah?" I breathed,
"Of course," Natalia grinned, "You know, I don't doubt that once you set your mind to something, that you'll be great at it."
Just as I opened my mouth to reply, a shout came from down the corridor.
"Oi, Trevor!"
My head snapped over to see Nicholas sauntering towards us with a small football tucked under his arm. And when his lips quirked upwards in a smile that I had seen so many times, I was instantly brought back.
A paper ball hit hit the back of my head. I didn't lift my head, even when bursts of giggles sounded behind me. Instead, I looked down at the moldy piece of bread that I had gotten for lunch. Mother was once again fighting with Father this morning, and I left early so I wouldn't have to listen to their arguing. The only food I had with me was an old sandwich I found at the bottom of my bag.
I picked at the edges, glancing over at all the other tables. All the other kids sat together, laughing and sharing their food with one another. I wanted to sit with them, know what they were laughing at. I wanted to join in on their inside jokes and play with them at lunch times.
But they didn't want me.
People only opened their mouths to me when they wanted to criticize my Dad, their fingers jamming on my chest and shoving me. Children screamed at me to leave the moment I appeared; in fear of what my family may do to them. My presence was a bother to everyone. But they had no idea what it felt like, the painful pang on my chest resounding every time their glares and scowls were directed at me.
My hand rested on my cheek as I stared at down at the table with a sullen look.
"Hi."
I looked up to see Nicholas, one of the boys in my class, standing with a muddy ball tucked under his arm. He smiled toothily at me, beads of sweat dripping down his forehead as he panted.
"Do you want to come play with us?" He asked, "We're having a match outside and we're short one person."
"Me?" I pointed to myself, and looked behind me in case someone was standing there.
"Of course you," He rolled his eyes playfully. "I'm not asking the wall."
"I - Um. . ." My gaze landed on the judgmental stares I was receiving and immediately, I shrunk back in my seat. "No. It's okay."
"Oh come on!" He insisted, "It's not like you're having fun sitting here by yourself."
I looked down at the table, "I'm sure the others won't be happy I'm there. I don't want to cause any trouble."
"They won't bother you. And if they do, I'll be there to fight them off," He promised, "I have a good aim. So please! You always leave me to play by myself and everyone teams up on me."
A short silence passed between us, while Nicholas rocked back and forth on his heels, waiting for my answer.
"Okay. . ." I mumbled. "I'll play."
"Yes!" He fist-bumped the air and nearly dragged me out of my seat. Slinging an arm over my shoulder, he passed me the dirty ball and smiled.
"Let's see how good you really are, Trev."
A lump formed in my throat as I blinked away the memories. The six year old boy disappeared, replaced by the the person in front of me.
Natalia shot me a confused look when he bumped shoulders with me. And despite it being over ten years later, he still had the same cheeky grin as he did back then.
"Trevor," He greeted, "Thanks for having me over for dinner last night."
"I didn't," I said through clenched teeth. "Father invited you. Not me. Don't confuse the two."
"Still, it was nice to see the house again," He brushed my comment off, "It had been a long time since I was over."
My skin crawled the longer his dark eyes stared at me and I stepped closer to Natalia, "We were just leaving -"
"When was the last time I was over there?" He cut me off and pretended to think back. "Was it when you called me saying your Dad was trying to beat you with a iron poker? Or was it when he kicked you out and you had no where else to so I had to come get you?"
"Enough," I growled, casting an ashamed glance at Natalia, "Shut the hell up before I make you."
"Trevor," Natalia cut in, in a soft voice and laid a gentle hand on my shoulder, "Come on. Let's just go."
Nicholas' eyes trailed over to her. "What's the rush? We were just having a friendly chat about the good old times."
"No, you're trying to piss him off," She disputed, "I don't know what's going on between the two of you, and frankly, it's not really any of my business. However, we were in the middle of a conversation before you so rudely interrupted, so if you don't mind. . ." She trailed off and arched her brow. "I'd like to continue that."
Nicholas raised his hands in defense, "No need to get snippy. Like I said, I was just reminiscing with my good friend here."
As he went to clap me on my shoulder, I grasped his wrist in mine, and shoved it away.
"Don't," I rasped. "Don't try and pretend that we're still friends."
His face scrunched up as he rolled his eyes, "Oh, come on Trev, -"
"My name is Trevor," I corrected, "It's not brother. It's not Trev. It's Trevor."
"You were like my brother," I croaked, the pain seeping out in my words and it almost hurt just to hear them, "You were my brother. We were like family, Nic. I didn't have anyone else at the time. You were it for me."
The amusing smile on his face slowly began to drop. His eyes scanned over the angry, yet hurt expression on my face. I didn't care that Natalia was standing right next to me, or that everyone else was staring. I refused to look away from him, even as my lips trembled and my shoulders heaved with emotion. The pain and hollowness that flowed through my veins, deadened my mind. It was like a poison, dulling my senses and killing off any other emotions until it was the only one that remained
Without waiting for his reaction, I slung my bag over my shoulder and stepped back.
"You were my fucking brother," I swore, unable to stop the hiccup that left my chest, "And I never would have tried to do what you tried to do to me. No matter what was going on in my life."
****