Title: The Undead and Other Teenage Problems
Author: M_Sway_Writes
Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9
Summary: 4.5/5
What a brilliant summary! It has everything you need – it introduces the protagonist and gives enough information about them to get a sense of who she is, it then throws in a bit of a plot twist with the dreams going up in smoke. Then, there's the conflict, and then, the stakes – we can make a pretty good assumption that this creature's stalking is probably not the safest thing.
Just one thing:
Teaming up with Noah Miller the coroner's son, they soon discover...
I would add a comma for fluency. It should be:
Teaming up with Noah Miller, the coroner's son, they soon discover...
Grammar: 3/5
Your grammar is probably, in my opinion, the area that could use some polishing. That's alright, though – let's go through some examples, shall we?
First of all, proper nouns. Whenever you're using a proper noun, you must ensure it is capitalised. For example:
But I preferred the solitude of old Wickery road, even if...
Since "Wickery Road" is the complete name of the road, the word 'road' should also be capitalised.
Collecting my thoughts, I shuffled further into the bathroom, "Uh, Yeah mum, I'm just going to take a shower."
First of all, you don't need to capitalise 'yeah' since it came after a comma. Next, 'mum' should be capitalised since it is used as a proper noun in that situation. It should be:
Collecting my thoughts, I shuffled further into the bathroom. "Uh, yeah Mum, I'm just going to take a shower."
You'll notice that I also changed the comma before the dialogue into a period. That brings me onto my next point: punctuating dialogue. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:
"We need to be careful about how much information we give him." Noah said.
It should be:
"We need to be careful about how much information we give him," Noah said.
Next, run-on sentences. This also impacted the writing fluency because of how jarring they are to read. Here's an example:
Small bushes and shrubbery grew all around and I sidestepped past them, weaving around the obstacles had my muscles screaming in protest.
On either side of the comma, you have two independent clauses. These are clauses that could be sentences on their own. Since they are adjoined by a comma, you have yourself a comma splice. Either change one of these to a subordinating clause, or replace the comma with a period.
Turning my heel I marched to the sport field.
In this example, we have the opposite problem – we're missing a comma to separate the subordinating clause and the independent clause. It should be:
Turning my heel, I marched to the sport field.
And finally, I suggest revising your writing altogether. You have sentences missing periods at the end, and you have questions missing question marks.
Characterisation: 4/5
Poor Sydney goes through a lot in this story! She had a life planned out for her, and one run stripped everything away. It's interesting to see how her character changes – since we don't know much about her before that run, we aren't entirely sure about whether the quick anger is normal or not, but the fact that we can see her losing her grasp on her grades and homework was a nice way to introduce the reader to her. I do wish, personally, that she was more disorientated in the first chapter when she wakes up, with more internal dialogue and questions.
But, I digress. Even if, according to Noah, she's a zombie, she's hilarious. It was so great seeing her stand up for herself, telling Shawna to stay out of her and Leah's business. One thing that makes her stand out as a protagonist is that, despite everything that happened to her, she holds onto her humanity – and we can see this through her actions. She is apologetic when she hasn't been a good friend to Leah, her relationship with her mother is absolutely beautiful and casual.
And Noah, Noah, Noah. What a sweetheart. He's so passionate about the detective work, but shows optimism throughout it all. That moment where they held hands and watched the sunset was sweet, and he brings lots of humour into the story (I laughed when he was so shocked about hearing about Dr Benette trying to eat her alive that Sydney has to snap him out of it by clapping in his face). He has a touch of crazy to him, coming up with the brilliant plan of breaking into Leah's house on the night of the winter formal.
Which, ultimately, makes it so much more heartbreaking when he's lost inside the creature at the end. But the development that came from that was brilliant – Peter, who initially never seems to agree with Sydney, is the one who has to hold her and comfort her when she cries.
My only critique with characterisation is that you sometimes fell into telling territory instead of showing. Some examples:
It stung and I felt deeply ashamed.
The stinging part? Great. "I felt deeply ashamed" feels a bit awkward and clunky because of how it's told. Perhaps find a way to show it, or just cut it out entirely.
Writing Style: 4/5
I already spoke about showing and telling, so I won't go into that again. However, I must say, you have some truly captivating descriptions! I loved seeing the way you described emotions in particular. Describing anger as if it were like lights on a Christmas tree, spreading throughout the body? Fantastic.
Your writing was occasionally disrupted by your run-on sentences, as well as some awkward slips in the tense. For example:
Students started talking and leaving class but I remained seated. I know I have decided to apologise to Leah but I had no idea how.
You changed tense, and it was awkward. Let's break it down:
Students started talking and leaving class but I remained seated. [started, remained = past tense]
I know I have decided to apologise to Leah but I had no idea how. [know = present, had = past tense]
You need to keep it consistent. Additionally, that's two sentences in a row that have the 'but' in them, making it awkward to read. I suggest changing up the sentence structure so that doesn't happen.
Plot + Originality: 5/5
What an impactful beginning you had, starting with the attack! It was descriptive, yet vague enough that both ourselves and the protagonist are a little confused, and it makes the nightmares even more haunting. From there, the progression of plot points is smooth and well-paced, with little seeds of information leading from one thing to the next. We go back to where it began, find a creature in the woods, and have Biotech – the main sci-fi element – come in, as well as Peter and a few tense moments of creatures trying to eat Noah.
What I particularly loved was how well you balanced the thrilling sci-fi elements with a regular, coming-of-age young adult story. Yes, we have the action and tension, but we also have teenagers being teenagers. The slow dance at the winter formal, finally leading into a kiss, was very sweet and a good way to juxtapose the action to come.
The climax was intense, to say the least. Just a little bit crazy, with setting off fires. And then... Noah. Become a creature. And the moment where Sydney makes the resolve to get him back. It's a powerful, it not heartbreaking ending, and I'm guessing that there's most definitely a sequel for it. Best of luck with it!
OVERALL SCORE: 20.5/25
Overall, a fantastic story with brilliant moments of characterisation and development. Make sure you brush up your punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!