THREE IN THE MOONLIGHT
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That night, Alisha knocked on his door. She spent a number of nights at his house when things got rough at home. Rich people weren't safe from everything and Alisha was a living, breathing example of that. Alisha was pretty much considered another child by his parents, so much so she even had her own room in their house. That didn't stop her from spending most of the time with Norman, though. She opened the door without waiting for an invitation, finding Norman laying on his bed with his headphones pushed in and music blasting. She laid down on the bed with him pulling out his headphones.
Norman, who had his eyes closed and hadn't seen her coming, raised an eyebrow as he opened his eyes to face her. Before he spoke, he picked up his phone and paused the music. "You're back."
"I am," she sighed, falling back on his bed to stare at the ceiling, "You know you're my safe place, Rocky. I just... didn't want to be home tonight. If that's okay with you, obviously."
He nodded, pulling her closer to him via an arm around her waist in a comforting manner. She leaned into him like she always did. They fit together like two little puzzle pieces and they could always count on each other to be there when they needed to be. "Come on, you know it's always okay with me. Do you wanna talk about it?"
The girl shook her head, a piece of dark hair falling into her face. Without thinking, Norman reached forward and tucked the piece back behind her ear. With a sigh, she spoke, "I wanna know what you did today. When I walked in your mom asked me if we all had fun today and if we liked the mango you brought. Why'd you lie and say you were with us? Who got the mango you robbed from us? You never lie to your mom."
"You're gonna be mad at me," Norman said with a pout and a groan, avoiding the girl's eyes that were boring into his soul at the moment. When she didn't say anything except stare expectantly he sighed and caved in, "I... may or may not have gone down to the Cut. To visit that Pogue I helped the other night."
"You went down to the south side and made it out alive? I don't believe you," Alisha remarked with a scoff as she lifted her gaze away from the boy and back up to the ceiling. He remembered years ago the two of them together had placed glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling, but neither of them had been tall enough which resulted in her sitting upon his shoulders for most of the afternoon. They had to have been at least twelve or thirteen. Things had been so different back then. One thing that hadn't changed was the stars. "Why?"
"I felt bad. I mean, Topper did a number on him and I just... it's stupid. I wanted to make sure he was okay. You know how much I hate watching people get hurt and that doesn't exclude Pogues. Even if they're assholes," he said with a small shrug, knowing he didn't have much to say for himself. It wasn't like he and John B were friends, they were the complete opposite, really. They fucking hated each other, but for just a flash of a moment that afternoon it hadn't been that way. It had just been two boys standing in a kitchen. Not enemies, just kids.
Alisha sighed but nodded in understanding as her eyes stayed glued to the stars. "You care too much for your own good, Rocky. Boys like John B don't deserve shit like that, I mean, did you see the shit his friend pulled? Hanging out with people like that will get you in more trouble than you think. I don't wanna see you get dragged into stupid Pogue shit. You're better than that."
"I can watch out for myself, Lish," he said, but there was no malice in his voice. He could never be angry at Alisha because he knew everything she said was because she cared about him. They were thick as thieves and all they wanted for each other was to be smart and not make stupid decisions. "But thank you. I would never do something like that without being careful about it. I didn't even take the car, I rode my bike."
"Good," was all she said before the room fell deadly silent. She sighed, but neither of them really knew what to say. After a moment, Alisha spoke again, "Rocky, you know how much I care about you, right?"
"Of course, I do."
She groaned, turning to the side and propped her head up by her elbow to look at him, "No, like, I think I really care about you."
He didn't know what she was trying to say at that moment. Really, the two had always had each other's backs and they never really said the sappy stuff because it was already established. They were hands down the closest two out of the friend group, so saying things like how much they cared about each other or loved each other was kind of unnecessary with them. It always went without saying what they meant to each other. So basically, he was confused as all hell right now. Alisha was never supposed to be confusing, not with him. That was practically their whole thing.
"Alisha, what are you trying to say?" was all he could muster, his tone confused and slightly frustrated. He hated beating around the bush, but he was willing to give the girl the benefit of the doubt since he knew she had a rough night. The girl groaned, rolling her eyes at him.
Next thing he knew, Alisha was kissing him. The idea of kissing Alisha had crossed his mind before, but he never executed it because he knew it would be weird. Now that it was actually happening, he knew he was absolutely right. He had kissed a girl or two before, but the idea of that girl being Alisha just felt wrong. Before he even realized it, he was pushing her off of him and scrambling off the bed. She looked up at him with those doe-eyes of hers and it took everything in him not to freak out.
"Alisha, what the fuck was that?" he exclaimed, not knowing what else could be said at that moment because kissing Alisha was something he never thought he would have to worry about. He could deal with hormones fucking up everything else in the group, but the idea of them fucking up what he and Alisha had was unbearable.
"I-I don't know! I thought it would be good that me and you would be good together!" she was frantic, clearly hurt at being rejected. Her eyes were beginning to tear up and the last thing he wanted was for her to cry. He couldn't handle Alisha crying. It was like when your mom cries and you can't help but cry with her. "Gemma told me she thought you were into me and that you had been forever and I got confused and I don't know."
Once he caught his breath, he got back on the bed and wrapped his arms around her in comfort. She was crying now and he was starting to tear up because of it. He couldn't stand it when Alisha -- or any of his friends or that matter, were upset. He also was never quite geared to handle it considering he couldn't stand when people cried. He just never knew what to do. So, he held her.
"Alisha I have to tell you something." The words were out of his mouth before he could even register what those words would mean. Sitting there with a crying girl made him feel like he had to give her some sort of reason for not having some stupid crush on her all these years. He didn't know how to properly explain that he loved her more than anything, just not in that way. He never got nervous around her or spent too long observing her facial features, no matter how pleasing he knew they were. He just didn't feel that way about her. Norman knew he should -- Alisha was every guy's wet dream with her beauty and confidence rolled up into one 5'3" package.
For a moment she stopped crying, looking up at him, teary-eyed and desperate. He hated that he was the one to make her feel like this. The last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt Alisha. She was his best friend, but look at what he had done to her. God, he felt like the worst person in the entire world.
After a moment, she sniffled and asked, "What's up?"
"I think there's a reason why I've never felt... that way about you," he dawdled, beating around the bush before he said what he really had to say. "I know everyone else in the group probably thinks we've been in love for years, but like, that's just us. You know? It's always been me and you, you know that. I just... don't feel that way about you. But it's not just you."
"Baby, what are you trying to say?" she asked, sounding frustrated as she pulled herself out of his arms. Instead, she sat up and leaned against the wall with her arms crossed and eyebrows raised, waiting for whatever Norman had to say. This had to be the hardest conversation they ever had considering Norman couldn't even get the words to come out of his mouth. He had never frozen up like this with her, but the words were stuck in his throat.
With a sigh, he decided it might just be best to start at the beginning. "Ugh, so you know how that Pogue, John B and I kind of have it out for each other? Like every time we see each other, it's kind of on sight throwing bullshit trash talk back and forth."
She shrugged, "Yeah, total dick-measuring contest always with you two. What does some stupid Pogue have to do with your non-existent feelings for me, Rocky?"
He could feel her getting frustrated with him and he understood why, but this was never anything he thought he would have to say. Just the thought of saying it out loud was terrifying considering something like this could make or break their friendship. Well, not really, but it sure as hell felt like it. Norman sighed, running his hands through his hair as he stood up from the bed. Quietly, he walked over to the window and opened it so he could hear the quiet but soothing sounds of the waves crashing against the sand below his window. He supposed a beach house had its perks. When he didn't say anything, he heard Alisha stand up from the bed. She took a place next to him, crossing her arms and refraining from saying anything. Norman felt a tear slip down his cheek.
"There's a reason we hate each other so much," he choked out, taking this as slowly as possible.
"Duh, he's jealous of you because you have anything he could possibly want, that's just how Pogues are," Alisha tried to explain, but she was far more wrong than she thought. He wanted to laugh at how incorrect she actually was, but he didn't have the energy for such a thing at that moment. All of his energy was focused on one thing he couldn't even say. Instead, he cried more.
Shaking his head, he spoke softly, "Uh, last year at one of those stupid boneyard parties, he and I... he and I kissed. It was a dare and it was stupid and it only happened once but..."
"Rocky, are you gay?" she asked quietly in the dead of night. The room went silent where only the crashing of the waves could be heard. He didn't want to answer her; he didn't know how.
"No," he spat before even thinking about it. He cried. Through the tears, he tried to explain, "It just... doesn't feel the same. Something about it was so... wildly different from kissing you or Lila that one stupid time."
Alisha sighed, "What did it feel like?"
"It was rough and angry like neither of us really understood what was happening. Like neither of us had control over our actions. It was just him and me and nothing else in the world around us," Norman explained, "But it doesn't mean anything, it can't mean anything."
"I kissed Lila once," the girl beside him admitted, "More than a kiss, actually. It felt like that, kind of. Like the world melted away and nothing else mattered. I think... I think I really like her, but I don't want to tell her because if I do, it'll ruin everything. So, I let her convince me that I liked you. I don't feel that way about you I was just... trying something. It's easy for me, I guess because boys are still an option for me. Norman... it's okay if you don't like girls the way you like boys. It's okay to like both or just one or neither."
For some reason, that sent something off in him as he turned to face her, "I'm not fucking gay, Alisha. I don't like boys and if I did it wouldn't be some stupid Pogue with daddy issues and cocky attitude. I can't like boys, do you not understand that? My parents will fucking murder me, they'll disown me and I'll end up on some street in the Cut sucking dick for spare change. I'm not gay, I can't be gay."
Alisha said nothing in response. Instead, she looked up at him with so much pity in his eyes he couldn't take it. She wrapped her arms around his waist and pulled him in tight as he hugged her back, sobbing. He felt like he couldn't breathe, but that wasn't her fault. He was losing control of his emotions and he knew it. Norman couldn't cry like this, he couldn't let anyone know how many nights he had spent crying over stupid shit like this. The only person who could ever see him like this was Alisha and even that he wasn't sure if he was comfortable with, but it was too late to save her from this. Before he knew it, he collapsed to the floor as he cried, wanting so badly just to scream. He couldn't risk his parents hearing this, so sobbing into Alisha's arms was the best he could do.
"I don't know what to do," he said through choked, horrified sobs.
"I know, baby, I know," she comforted, her voice sounding like that of an angel's as she pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead. This was how he and Alisha were meant to be, he knew that. Just friends, nothing more. "We'll figure it out, I promise."
He shook his head, burying his face in her shoulder as she practically sat in his lap on the hardwood floor of his bedroom. His sobs played in sync with the waves as the moonlight streamed through their window, highlighting the wet glisten on his cheeks.
"I can't be gay, I can't. Alisha, I can't. I'm not," was all he said on repeat like a broken record that couldn't stop skipping. He couldn't breathe, all he knew was the words leaving his mouth. He didn't know anything else; he didn't know any better.
"Shush, it'll be okay," the girl spoke in a tone more gentle than Norman deserved. He didn't deserve her and he knew it. He knew she could do better than a best friend like him. "It'll all be okay, Norman."
He wanted to believe her, he really did. Norman just couldn't see things working out for a boy like him. For a boy so trapped in the bubble he liked to call home. A boy like Norman didn't end up with everything being okay. He never would.
so this chapter is a little shorter than the last two, but if i continued it it just felt like dragging it on so here's a little under 3000 words of gay panic and internalized homophobia you're welcome!! anyway I've been so good w updating DAILY i never do that y'all should get this story to 2k pwease