things didn't get any easier. sure, the arguments stopped, replaced by a weird tense sort of silence between mark and his father. but the emptiness mark felt without jinyoung, and bambam and jackson and yugyeom, felt enough to tear him apart. his heart broke whenever he thought of jinyoung's smiling face.
he remembered the first time he had seen that smile. god, it felt like so long ago.
his happiness felt so distant now.
as the days turned into weeks, mark hollowed out. he stopped caring, his hate towards youngjae even died down a little. he just broke.
there was no hope anymore. without a phone, a wallet and a passport- mark had given up. he wasn't getting back to korea. never. not as long as his father was alive and kicking.
forever, he would be stuck in his childhood bedroom, staring at the wall, wishing he was back in wingate gardens.
joey got worse, mark noticed. every time youngjae brought him over, he seemed a little more pale, a little weaker. mark knew it should've made him sad, to see his brother actually dying, but he just didn't have the energy.
all of it went towards missing jinyoung, there was never a moment where the sadness wasn't seeping through him.
and he didn't really care about much else.
eventually, it got so bad that he found himself crying, alone, enveloped in a pain he didn't know could be real.
there was a life back there, a life he had made for himself. one he was happy with. one that made him blissfully happy.
gone.
his selfish father had taken it away.
and so he couldn't help but cry, not that it changed his father's mind on anything. he was starting to think the man simply hated him, and enjoyed watching him suffer. it would make sense.
but whatever raymond's intentions were, mark found himself crying whenever possible- when he wasn't at an appointment with joey or spending time with youngjae.
a cold morning, and a piece of paper.
after three exact weeks of living in america, mark pulled out a pen and paper and tried his best to recreate the list he had given jinyoung. the list of things to do together, though of course, mark had no hope that any of the bullet points would ever happen now.
not when he was stuck in la.
regardless, he sat on his stiff mattress and rewrote the list, the paper quickly becoming littered with tear stains. before long, he was sobbing, clutching at his bed sheets as once again, he thought about all he had lost.
he wept, as he often did, for what felt like hours, deep and raw. a sadness so pure and heart-breaking that when youngjae pushed open the bedroom door with a bowl of cereal in hand, he couldn't help but drop the bowl, watching it fall to the floor.
milk seeped into the carpet.
youngjae rushed to mark.
he tried to wrap his arms around the older, but was immediately shoved away.
"fuck off youngjae." mark growled between gasps for air, the endless wails leaving him breathless.
"no."
youngjae hadn't expected this reply to fly from his mouth, but as it hung in the air, mark didn't respond with anger, just silence. youngjae expected this to mean he could stay, and once again wrapped an arm around mark.
this time, his arm stayed in place.
he felt as mark shook beneath him, face ruddy and glistening with tears. once again, the guilt washed over him. he had done this. he had done this to mark.
ruined his life.
well, not ruined perhaps, but made it a lot worse nonetheless.
saying he would take it back did nothing. youngjae had lied to him about his brother dying, and that felt like the worst crime.
he still didn't really understand raymond's intentions. he did all this just to have someone to take care of joey? it really seemed to youngjae that he found out mark had moved on and was happy, and wanted to punish him for it.
but whatever that man was thinking, youngjae hated himself for helping him.
mark continued to cry, and youngjae's guilt only grew.
"you really had a life in korea? a good one?" youngjae asked, as he noticed mark's tears begin to slow. they traipsed down his cheeks almost cautiously, and the sobs stopped.
mark nodded and opened his mouth in a whisper, "yes. i was so happy."
"b-but.. all your friends were criminals.. it looked.. so dangerous."
"that doesn't matter. that place was my home, and they were my family." mark's tears had now ceased, and he looked up at youngjae, immediately noticing how his ex held so much pity in his eyes, "i didn't know them that long... but.. we went through a lot together."
he laughed slowly, "we even went to court together. i've never felt so happy, jae... never."
youngjae peeled himself away from mark, "not even when you were with me?"
"my brother was dying and my father was an alcoholic... i wasn't exactly happy back then." mark replied, "and then i finally escaped my hell, and you dragged me right fucking back."
the anger was quick to return once the tears had died down, though youngjae had expected no less. noticing how his eyelashes clung together from the wetness of his tears, mark looked to youngjae with that same seething tension he always had, "why? why did you do it?"
"honestly?"
mark nodded.
"i missed you. when you told me you were going to korea, i thought i had lost you for good... so when your dad came to me with a plan, it.. it felt like a sign that i could get you back."
there was no way to describe the feeling in mark's chest. hatred, of course, but something more was there too. he hadn't realised how he too, missed youngjae. that is, the youngjae before minhee- the youngjae he had been in love with.
youngjae shrugged, "if it's any consolation, i wish i hadn't done it.. i-i should've accepted that you were moving on."
trying his hardest, mark pushed down another bout of tears, "i don't understand." he said truthfully, "you cheated on me, if you loved me enough to do all this, why did you and minhee... y'know."
"you were so distant." youngjae didn't dare make eye contact with mark, "you stopped talking to me and.. you stopped kissing me too. and then minhee came along, and i missed sex so much i just- i had a brief lapse of judgement."
"that's all it was?" and mark felt his anger start to dwindle.
youngjae nodded, "yes. and i would do anything to take it back mark, anything."
"just leave."
just when mark thought they were getting somewhere, he changed his mind. why should he forgive youngjae just because he could tell how guilty he felt? he still ruined mark's life, he didn't deserve any redemption. mark promised himself he would hate youngjae for the rest of his life.
youngjae looked upset as mark turned away from him, not that mark cared.
"no."
"youngjae. go. i mean it."
"what if i help you escape?," youngjae blurted, "i know where your dad hid all you stuff."
and mark couldn't say no to that could he? it was all he wanted, so badly. he wanted to kiss jinyoung, long and passionate, to tell him that every second they spent together meant the world to him. which was funny, considering how mark used to hate the man. he wanted to pull jackson and yugyeom and bambam into a hug, appreciate how much they had done for him.
jackson, being the first person he ever met in korea, who had helped him out in his own special way.
bambam and yugyeom who had been the first people he called friends, who had taken him on the tour, and tried their best to make him feel welcome.
hell, he'd even visit jaebeom in prison, and thank him for bringing them all closer together.
with all this in mind, he sighed, "fine. but this isn't because i've forgiven you, it's because i want to leave."
"i know."
"why would you help me?" mark asked, and youngjae replied almost as soon as the words left his mouth.
"because it's the only way i can take back what i did. i told you- i wish i hadn't made you leave korea."
"well go then, get my stuff, i'm leaving today."
youngjae shook his head quickly, standing up from mark's bed and leaning against one of the plasterboard walls, "no no no, we need a plan. we need to get your stuff at the very last second, so your dad doesn't catch on, and we need someone else to buy you a plane ticket, so your dad has no way of finding out.... and... we need him to be out of the house so we can get to the airport...."
"and you can do all that?"
"yes... let me call someone quickly." and before mark could respond, youngjae had already pulled his phone from the back pocket of his jeans and was dialling a number.
the phone rang for about half a minute before the person on the other line eventually picked up.
"youngjae? hello?" mark heard the person ask, very faintly, but he heard it nonetheless.
youngjae smiled, "hi minhee. i was just wondering if you could do me a favour."
minhee.
of course.
a/n
the end is coming my friends.
no more than 5 chapters left- i'm still a litttleeeee unsure but yes.
ahh i can't believe it's almost over