My life with my brother is miserable, but without him, I don't think I'd live the same way I do now.
I've been told that he's older than me by thirty minutes, that dumb-idiot Osamu. Our father often says with a hearty laugh that we're the "best mistakes in the world" which is surprisingly ambiguous when you think about it hard enough.
I only ever grew up with a brother and a brother only. Of course, there were also our hard-working parents, but it was my brother who I was consistently around 24/7. We were together all the time, thick and thin.
All of our other family relatives say that we're very close despite our non-stop bickering and I admit, he is the closest friend I have to this day.
We went to the same school, went to the same clubs, and have shared the same room since we were born. Throughout my life, I've laughed and cried with him before both out of happiness and sorrow. Regardless of our fights (many times it being quite physical), Osamu to me will forever be the most supportive person there is, additionally I can equally be the same when the time comes.
When we were younger, Osamu had this ominous talent for bullying me. He has always been excellent at playing tricks, reckless one that specifically ends in me getting all the blame, then a scold from our mother (still at me, not him). I frequently thought that he wanted mom to return me to a shop so he can be the only child of the family, which made me really worried.
He was a brat and used me as a scapegoat a significant amount of times.
On the other hand, I was always an ambitious child who sought for sweet revenge and to be better than my brother at everything. Sometimes I get what I wanted, sometimes I did not. It didn't help that I was quite an untruthful child due to my lying habits.
Some of my lies often came into our mother's lectures and so she ultimately stopped believing my words whenever Osamu accused me on something (whether as a joke or to escape the wrath she possesses), I tried to commiserate my situation by telling myself that I was similar to the boy who cried wolf. Subsequently, it didn't make me feel any better though.
It was only if I started sobbing my eyes out I'd get some sort of sympathy. He'd apologize to me out of sheer guilt and surrender himself to the pranks, our mother then gives him punishments he deserved. I never got way too mad afterwards though. I could tell he knew what he did wrong from the solemn facial expression he carried after which also resulted in him crying with me.
During the darker times, he stops joking around completely, instead, he does his best to help me back up. These are the times where I appreciate his existence the most although I never really thought much of it until recently actually.
My parents are absolutely right when they said the best thing I have on earth is my twin brother. They never expected twins, but they tell us that they were extremely happy nevertheless.
Those old lectures they give us every day about this topic are engraved in my head, you might be able to even visibly see it (lol).
It looks like I act as if I don't care about him, but internally I do, no matter the abundance of shitty insults he fires at me. I know he feels the same way and sees me the same way too.
My life would be pretty bleak if he wasn't there to make me struggle (jokingly). I'm so used to receiving the same things he gets, in a good way.
Birthdays, in particular, would just not be fun without him; there are twice as many presents, twice as many food, twice as many recognition from family and friends.
I thought he was the only person that exists to be like that. I really thought I wouldn't find anyone that supports me as much as he does. I stated to myself that I'm happy with just my twin brother and I didn't need anybody else in this world.
Oh, how wrong I was.
Growing up truly makes you get out of your comfort zone.
I met a girl who I thought was really pretty and nice. This was at the time when I was gullible, inexperienced, and still very ambitious.
This was around the beginning of my third-year in middle school, I remember confessing to my first ever love interest. She was the same age as me and I first met her in a local volleyball club I went to. We weren't attending the same school however, just the same local club.
Her name isn't really important anymore, but I can recollect how bewildered I was near her. Whenever I saw her I got this fluttering sensation in my chest and my courage felt like it was in my throat.
She accepted my confession after a while of being friends, the happiness I was experiencing flooded out my heart, it was practically uncontainable. It was the special kind of delight that I never felt before. I recall myself talking non-stop every night about her to Osamu and telling mom that she was the girl I wanted to marry (which is exceptionally embarrassing when she brings it up).
This was all very new to me, and I was so overjoyed about having a girlfriend. I assumed that she felt similar as well.
But things changed slightly.
Our relationship delved further into a month or so, mainly it being me giving her all the free time I had, but she never seemed to show many reactions nor did I receive any back. When I had the chance, I even got out of school early to walk home with her, sometimes she canceled last minute.
I overheard this girl talk about me a lot to her friends on the phone but oddly didn't talk much with me in general. I was really perplexed, but my stubborn presumption was because she was simply just shy around me.
It must've been her first relationship too, I thought. She's new to this too.
Later I realized that we were quickly drifting apart as she didn't really make an effort to talk to me no longer. We ceased calling, texting, and talking slowly.
When I wanted to hang out with her, she always had an excuse or when I called her it ended in less than three minutes at times.
"I love you," I told her and she bluntly replied a, "Me too." Nothing else after, just a switch in topics or an end in conversation. It felt sour and fake. I was wondering if she stopped liking me or found me tedious to be around which made me notably insecure.
We then finished talking completely in the third month, which is when I believed it was over.
Strangely I wasn't as heartbroken as I thought I'd be; because her leaving was so stolid and gradual. It was as if she skillfully waited for me to lose interest to also slip out rather than telling me face to face.
It wasn't painful, but I was definitely sad.
High school, in my first year, I got another girlfriend.
This time she confessed to me. I was surprised and wanted another chance of having a successful relationship, so I accepted it without considering the consequences.
The new girl showered me with compliments, regarding how I looked most of the time and the number of friends I had, nothing else other than that. It was certainly flattering but promptly got old to listen to.
She was engrossed in the so-called social status I had apparently, rather than who I was as a person.
Similar to my previous experience, I overheard this girl also talk about me to her friends.
But instead of feeling praised at her proudness towards me, I felt irritated instead. It was because she never tried to get to know me better but only showed me off like some golden achievement trophy. I wanted to cut her out immediately and so I did it ruthlessly the next day. The relationship only lasting barely three weeks.
I simply lost trust in holding relationships like these from then onwards yet played it off.
Confessions happened a lot with me.
I was black and white with this situation, half of me liked it as it boosted my ego, but the other half of me got bothered by it ever so slightly.
I rejected a lot of people because of my wariness, I may have done some of it too rudely other times I may have been polite about it.
A lot of these girls were people I was already acquainted with from middle school or other high schools.
Acquainted being the keyword.
I wasn't and didn't want to be friends with a lot of them for many reasons. The main reason being: they were all the same and wanted the same thing.
"Miya-san! You're so cool!" They said as an attempt in flattery
"Thank you." I replied in a happy tone.
I got used to it and began overlooking these compliments as my love life got even more tiresome.
The ones I did accept were the ones I thought were different. And I was right, they were different.
I had the chance to create a better relationship, but I didn't. I think this caused them to get frustrated as they became more suggestive and cared less about the importance of emotions.
To be honest, it was my own fault for not making enough effort to return their original feelings, unknown if it was true or not. I disliked blaming myself however, so I blamed it on my terrible luck in dating alternately.
It was the beginning of the second year of high school and adolescence made me even more curious, the same for them. The potential of having a change in relationships turned the wrong way. They converted back to the other girls I've dated. It was an endless, stupid cycle.
At first, it was just kissing, hand-holding, presents, hugging.
Then sex and social status. They suddenly wanted all of that too.
It was me who continued to play along although, internally I despised it. Of course, it didn't work out in the end, I cut them off shortly after I gave whatever physical interaction they fancied without much thought.
It became a habit to accept the ones that piqued my interest then drop them once they got boring or if I started hating them.
My brother confronted me about this, telling me to stop before I regret my decisions. But that only made me angry and ignored what he said.
I was jealous of him for having better success with relationships than me. Although he only ever had two in his life so far. They gave him attention, the good kind. This confused me terribly causing me to crave attention as well.
Constantly I blamed it on adolescence blindly and never directly on myself.
Gossip flew around school quite quickly. Those ridiculous rumors of me having twenty girlfriends or something are absolutely false. I've had a lot of girlfriends in the past yes, it was never over seven, two of them were fake relationships. And I couldn't be asked to correct anyone nonetheless, since I didn't give a single shit. They can think whatever they liked, I didn't care.
I knew that I had to stop at some point. But what was the point? I'll just wait for a fresh new start after high school. But that didn't work out either since I met another girl.
(Y/N) and me never really picked up a conversation with me until the end of first-year.
We first actually spoke to each other on the school bus after a long history trip.
"Is this seat taken?" I asked.
"No, feel free." She smiled.
She didn't talk a lot but said something every so often, mostly about the trip and the facts she learned. I also chipped in a couple of chitchats out of politeness, oddly not getting fatigued throughout the journey even though what we were talking about was linked with school and education; and in a way, we became acquaintances from then onwards.
Second-year, she was in the same class as me again. She sat behind me, sometimes asking me if I could move a little so she could see the teacher better. This was normal, and I always sat in this position that made me uncomfortable just so she could see better.
I remember one time when we had to hand in our homework the next lesson but I forgot to do it the night before. I accepted my fate in getting a scolding from the teacher soon, but (Y/N) kindly gave me her work to quickly copy in a secretive way. (Shamelessly took advantage of this act of kindness since that day)
We still did not talk too much, we were just acquaintances.
However, I started seeing changes in the way she acted.
(Y/N) was suddenly more shy, bashful, and stuttered when she tried to speak with me.
Oh no, she likes me. I thought. Is she just like the others?
Eventually, the end of November came and so did her confession.
I accepted it giving her the opportunity since I thought she was a little different. I had a doubt in her; I assumed that it would end quickly. I was untrusting and still suspicious.
But nothing that I expected happened.
How come she was so interesting despite the little things she did?
Never did she ask for anything from me, never did push me to do anything nor did she even touch upon my past relationships. I was bewildered again, confused whether I liked the scenario or not.
She did things for me and supported me. She showed interest in the things I liked and wanted to try it out too, even though she sucks at it.
(Y/N) was nice, not out of flattery, but truly.
I can still recall her words vividly. It echoes in my head a lot as if there's a little person inside reminding me.
"I was happy you said yes...But I kinda already knew you didn't like me back then. Yet I still tried to take a chance, was I being too greedy?"
Greedy is what she said about herself. But I couldn't consider it. Not a single bit did I think of her as greedy for some reason. I only sensed commitment and concern in her voice.
Even though she was saying something bad about herself it just made her look more beautiful as a person.
How did it turn out like this I wonder?
Out of nowhere, I'm yearning to see her daily. I want to hold her tightly and talk to her for hours and hours.
Again, it was me who wanted attention, but this time genuine attention rather than a pitiful one. And in return, I was willing to give all of mine too, hoping that we can carry it on like a never-ending debt.
The only person that would care for me in life was my brother. He was the only one who I could talk to freely without hiding anything. Osamu was the only person that knew who I was and I thought I satisfied with that.
I thought.
But I was given (Y/N).
❇
I wake up randomly after that strangely nostalgic dream.
It is still very early, possibly around 4 in the morning when I squinted at the clock but was unsure since my eyes haven't adjusted to the lighting yet.
However, I could see my girlfriend soundlessly resting right next to me, her arms loosely wrapped around my waist, and mine wrapped around hers as well.
No blanket, just us comfortably laying on the sofa.
The pleasure of the soft tension on my torso from her body warmth was more than I could ever ask for.
Something small as this filled me with remarkable amounts of glee.
There was this mysterious occurrence that happens every time I'm with (Y/N): I don't understand why time doesn't work the way it normally does around her. It goes too fast and I want it to stop all the time.
But no mind that, I'll cherish what I have right now.
I especially like gazing at your sleeping face. I could see it clearly enough because of the dim flickering television which was paused on an American movie we were watching earlier.
In this dark living room of yours, I feel bright. And what made it better is the way you held onto me. It wasn't tight, but it wasn't flimsy enough for me to leave the grasp.
Every bit about this was enjoyable and it made me realize how I want to experience it every single day until I get old...
So, this must be love. I thought as I nuzzle to your neck gently.