*Jenan*
Why is it even called goodbye? What is good in saying farewell? Or is it just that every end should be a good one? Like, leaving someone in happiness without tears so they have something nice to think about while you're away? It's not like there was a bad-bye or a I'm-glad-I-finally-leave-bye for me. In my situation, it could be a I-don't-want-to-leave-but-I-have-to-bye.
I shook my head, trying to get away from these strange thoughts. Philosophising about goodbyes.. I was definitely short of sleep.
The mirror only confirmed me. My long brown hair was a total mess, my dark brown eyes were red and puffy, and my over-sized T-shirt was totally rumpled. Not to forget the bags under my eyes. Awesome!
On my way to the bathroom, I started to analyse my situation for the almost 100th time:
I've never been out of Egypt.
I've never slept in another house than that of my parents.
I've never spent four months in a row without my family and friends.
But the way things are going, I'm spending the next 120 days apart from everything I've known and everything I'm used to. And (in my opinion) things are going into a completely wrong direction.
Back in the bathroom, I chased away my disapproval of the situation and started practising Wudu. Leesha said it's called ablution, but we're not native English speakers and I find that word kind of .. unsuitable. Whatsoever, after finishing Wudu/ablution, I felt a lot better as I stepped out of the bathroom. I only had wished the water to be a little colder, but the water tank was situated on the roof of the building, which means it was under the effect of the burning sun sending its rays on it and warming the water up. That sucks in summer, but what can I do? I finished the thought and entered my room. The first thing you see are books. Loads of books. Beside the bed, in the shelves, on the desk and even a few second-hand books on the ground, tidily stacked. I hated it when my room was a mess, that's why I always preserved order. Sounds odd for a teenage-girl? Maybe.
As soon as I finished praying, I heard my mother bustling about the flat in her usual fussy manner. Sometimes I think she was glad about me leaving for the next months. And even a little hopeful. As if I was going to make a change in the world..
Stop drifting away, and focus!, I told myself and stepped to the wardrobe. The outfit I was going to wear was preassigned since two weeks. I wasn't the type of people who liked to be surprised or unprepared. If you plan everything in advance, it will make life easier, you know.
Carefully, I took the hanging rail out of the wardrobe and closed it behind me. Leesha had chosen the outfit with me, obviously. Long petrol blue blouse. Jeans. It's as simple as that. Before I could change clothes, I heard a slight knock on the door. No wonder, it was my mother.
"Good morning, darling." She said to me and came over to give me a hug. "How are you?"
"Morning, mama." I replied and felt her arms embracing me. "It's early in the morning, I'm going to go to the airport to fly across the sea, spend the rest of my summer vacation at an unknown place and I'm feeling freaked out as hell, but I guess I'm fine." A bitter undertone had crept into my voice and I started feeling sorry about it. I didn't want my mother to feel guilty.
But she just smiled and kissed me on the forehead, saying: "You won't regret it." Is it just me, or was she talking in riddles? I looked up at her, right into her green eyes. Sometimes I couldn't believe we were really mother and daughter. She was tall, I was short (about 155 cm, can you believe that? That's around 5'1 inches, according to Google). She had green eyes, mine were plain brown. She was confident, I wasn't. But for that, I was more like my father; quiet, shy, thoughtful, orderly and not realising the emotions inside of me easily.
"We will see." Was my reply to mama before she winked and left me to put on my clothes.
By the time I was about to take the scarf out of the drawer, a text message found its way into my cellphone.
Hey young traveller! Everything ready for the journey today? Of course it is, or your name wouldn't be Jenan, right? ;) Call me when you get to the airport Inshaallah, habibti. Moah <3
Only Leesha would wake up extra early only to send me a farewell-SMS. With a smile on my lips, I swiftly replied: The bags are packed and I'm changing clothes :) gonna miss you so much, Leesh :(
Time to put my Hijab on. Actually, I don't always call it Hijab, most of the time I simply call it a scarf. It was a plain one, as most of my scarves are. I didn't like going out with a rainbow around my head, like my best friend does.
Five pins. I didn't use one more, only five, and all of them were in the same colour. I smiled at the thought of one of my classmates, Bassma, who tends to wear various coloured pins on her scarves.
Another message from Leesha came in as soon as I sat onto my bed: Me toooo :'( can't you take me with youuuuu plsss??? The vacation will be SO boring without you :( <3
She was funny! I was the one being not willing to go, and she wanted to come with me! Not to mention the fact that her parents wouldn't be able to afford the flight. I didn't even know how my parents collected the money to send me abroad. Did they win the lottery without me knowing? Ah, I forgot it was Haram.
But if they were able to afford the flight, why weren't they able to find a suitable place for me to stay? A place where I wouldn't feel like an abandoned street dog..
My thumb made that awkward dance over the keys it always does when I was not sure what to write, but the vibration of the mobile made me stop. Incoming call from Leesha.
"Jennaaaaa." She moaned by the time I picked up. "Can't you just stay here with your father?"
I groaned. "Leesh!" how often had we discussed that the past weeks? How often did I have to talk about that topic?
"Ya ya, I know." She said and I made myself more comfortable on my bed. In the next hours I will be having a lot of chances to cool my heels. "It's okay, I'm getting over it. But PLEASE use your laptop there, okay? For me?"
I nodded, but then I realized she couldn't see me so I said: "Of course. And I promise you to use the Facebook account you created for me, Inshaallah." I grinned.
She laughed. "Good. I'll be online for you 24/7."
"Thanks." I chimed into her laughter and looked at my laptop bag beside the door. The laptop inside it was an old model of my father's and it was only used for writing essays for school. But a promise is a promise, so I will stay in contact with my friends via internet, it seems. I think it will be awkward. In Leesha's point of view, I was a strange alien living under a rock. She could use words and expressions like fangirling, feels and Twitter and I would just be like: Huh? Are you even talking in my language?
Since maybe one year she realised there was no hope in me, and stopped talking about celebrities. Elhamdulillah!
"Okay, I gotta finish the last things now.." I started slowly, leaving my thoughts about things I know nothing about, and throwing a look at my luggage.
"Of course. My thoughts are with you, J."
"Wish me luck."
"You won't need it, I know you." She said jokingly and made me roll my eyes.
"Don't forget me there." She added. "I love youuuu."
"Haha," I laughed "Me too. Salam!" I quickly hung up before getting emotional, and put the mobile in my small handbag with my wallet, keys, passport, a disinfectant, some important papers and handkerchieves. I took my glasses with the black frame out of their case and put them on, now being able to recognise the time on the clock. It was late, I had to hurry. Hastily, I grabbed my suitcase, the laptop bag and left my room without looking back once again. I turned to the right and already was in the wide sitting room, seeing my parents standing near the door, talking.
They stopped mid-sentence when I came around the corner, and gave me thin smiles. One look at their faces and I knew they had been talking about something I shouldn't hear. "Do you have everything?" my mother asked. "Passport, wallet, mobile..."
"Yes." I interrupted her and dragged my luggage towards the door. So apparently I was old enough to live without my parents for a couple of months, but still too young to collect everything I needed for the flight. I see!
"Well." My father came over to me. "Let's go." He wasn't the kind of person who would speak a wordy text. He was simple and said only the bare necessities. After giving me a hug, he took my suitcase, opened the door and left our flat.
My heartbeat increased by the thought that the moment of farewell has come. "Will you come with us to the airport?" I asked my mother hopefully, turning to her. But when I saw her face I knew the answer. "Oh, dear. I..."
"It's okay, mama." I tried to smile.
Busy. That's the word which describes her the best. Always busy.
She hugged me tightly but that couldn't take my pain away.
"I'm so sorry, Jenna-darling." She whispered into my scarf. "If you need anything, you can call me at any time."
I nodded slowly into her shoulder. She kissed me and I noticed that her eyes were sparkling. I hope she won't cry, otherwise my self-control would totally collapse. I swallowed hard and said with a weak voice: "Salam, mama."
She smiled sadly. "Salam, Jenan. Take care of yourself."
I nodded again, opened the door and in the next moment I had left the flat. Quick and easy. "And let me know when you arrive, okay?" she called down the staircase. Of course I will do that. Isn't that exactly what daughters do when they take a plane and leave their mothers for a long time? At least, that's what happens in books and movies. I couldn't add my own experience to that point. "Sure!" I called back.
The sight of my father sitting behind the wheel made my heart clench. Every vacation, he always drove me to places all over the city when I wanted to meet my girls. But not this summer..
I chased away these thoughts and got into the car. My father looked at me (sadly?) as I closed the car's door behind me. He started the vehicle, and I put my laptop bag and my handbag on the back seat with the suitcase. To my own despair, the airport was less than 15 minutes away. I didn't want to arrive there quickly, I wanted to enjoy the sight in front of me; goodbye sandy ways, goodbye blue sky, goodbye people in Galabeyas..
"Don't worry. Everything will be alright." My father suddenly said, interrupting my goodbyes with a smile in his eyes. I smiled too, an unhappy smile though.
"Thanks. I'm just afraid."
"Why?" he swerved the car to the right getting onto the main road which lead to the airport. I started to become nervous.
"Why?" I repeated. "I am flying across the Mediterranean sea for the first time of my life, alone. I'll take a taxi when I arrive, which is ridiculous because I haven't even used a taxi here in my hometown. I'll be in a strange city with strange people and on the top of all of that I'll stay with strangers for the whole summer vacation. Without you or mum or my friends. In other words: I'll be completely on my own."
"Other kids would be happy if they had a chance like you." He said slowly. Oh, father!
"You know me, baba. I'm really not that type of people."
My father sighed. "I know."
I made the conversation drop by looking out of the window again, but this time I didn't think about the scene in front of me. Instead, I mentally returned back to the moment were it all began..
It was one week before my final exams. In my opinion, the worst week of the year. I do nothing but sitting at my desk, studying the whole day. My mother came in, without knocking, and I took my eyes off the History book between my hands, reading about the old Pharaohs of Egypt. I was surprised by the fact she didn't knock, for it was something which had never happened before. And the fact of seeing her with widely opened eyes and red cheeks made me even more suspicious. "You won't believe who just called me!" she exclaimed with a wide grin and a sparkle in her eyes, pointing at the cellphone in her hand.
Sometimes something happens and you just stand there and think this will change my life, because you have that certain feeling inside of you, that one gut feeling. This was one of those moments. I couldn't help but stare at my mother and think: Something will happen. Something will change.
Without beating about the bush, she told me about what happened.
At that time, my mother had been working as a Science teacher at my old Primary school. I always knew she didn't enjoy it as much as being a (as she calls it) real scientist and working on different projects in fancy labs and with other clever researchers, discovering new things. But since marriage, she hadn't done that a single time. And here, at this point, a friend of hers arrives on the scene. He had the perfect job for her, according to him. A rich sponsor was creating a team of scientists, collecting them from all over the world, to work on a big research which involved travelling to different places. In other words: the dream of my mother had come true; working with famous scientists, travelling around the world, practising "real" Science.. and all of that being paid!
I couldn't blame her for mentally packing her bags whilst telling me about it all. I myself started imagining myself cooking everyday for my father and me, and staying at home alone most of the time (my father usually works 7 days a week, from 2.00 PM until 12.30 AM). But guess what? My mother refused. She said she wouldn't let me stay at home alone all this time, "It's too dangerous." And now she's sending me abroad! As if that was safer.
That friend of her who got her the job, told her that he had the perfect idea about the Jenna-problem (how complementary!). He said he had a friend who has a big flat in London where I could live. The only catch: I would share the flat with 5 other people. Boys, to be exact. Yeah, you heard right. Me, the one who has never seen anything except Egypt, her family and her (female!) friends, was going to live with BOYS! Like, seriously?!
I trembled by that thought. Here in Egypt, you can't practise how to act around boys because you never really get to do that. At least I never did. The only male teenager I've ever talked to, was my cousin.
"Look at it from the bright side." My father interrupted my dark thoughts.
"Which bright sides??" Not with all the will in the world I could see any bright sides in my current situation.
"Like.." he began. ".. seeing new places. Meeting new people. Making new experiences."
I sighed. "Baba, look at me." I sighed, pointing with my hands at my appearance. "Do you think the people in England will be able to deal with me? To deal with.. my Hijab?" Monika said that people abroad were rude to Hijabis. I wasn't sure if that's true, but I was forced to find out.
He didn't reply. Here in Egypt it was something normal to see a girl like me wearing a headscarf, but I knew that in England it wouldn't be the same. Most of the people won't be able to understand it and my decision, and I didn't know how that might have an effect on how they treated me, like Moni claims.
"I don't intend to leave that flat, or meet any new people there." I added, sounding like a little kid. Even I knew that this was being totally absurd.
Before my father could reply, we arrived at the airport. I put the seat belts off and opened the car's door. It wasn't as crowded as I had expected, but a look at my watch told me that I should hurry.
So quickly I helped my father take out my suitcase and the other bags. After I had put the suitcase on the sidewalk, I turned around to 1/3 of my family. His brown hair was tousled and his big, square-shaped glasses were crooked.
He just hugged me and said: "You know what to do if you have problems."
"I love you, baba. And don't turn our flat upside down, okay?" I smirked.
He laughed. "Promise."
Then he entered the car and drove away. Gladly, it all happened short and sweet. I kept waving until he disappeared, then I arranged the straps of my two bags and grabbed the heavy suitcase.
**
One hour later I had gone through the whole airport-procedure and everything and was waiting for boarding. I wanted to read a few pages whilst waiting but I was too nervous to concentrate so I decided to call Leesha instead.
She picked up after the second ring. "Hey J., what's up?"
"England is up." I said grunting.
She chuckled. "I envy you."
I rolled my eyes. "Then you are a fool."
"Hey hey, is someone being a little grumpy?" she asked cheerfully. A tall boy of about my age appeared and sat down onto the seat beside me. He was wearing checkered shorts and a wide T-shirt. His head was bobbing up and down and I noticed some headphones in his ear.
I sighed. "Sorry, but with every second the flight comes nearer, I get angrier."
"I understand you." She said. "Somehow."
I had to smile. "Yes, yes, I know I am lucky to see another sight than the sandy street in front of my window, and another country than Egypt and ..."
"Aaand," she interrupted me. "I bet those guys you'll share your room with will be cool and handsome, not like the clowns we have here."
"I won't share my room with them, Leesh. And who told you they'll be cool and handsome? And who said I cared about this kind of stuff?" I peered at that boy beside me. He had taken out a tattered novel and was reading it, still with the headphones on.
"My instinct says that. Besides that they are British!" she replied.
"Hmm, you know what I think about upholding Western beauty standards. Besides, I remember mother telling me that one of them was.. maybe an Icelander, or something like that."
"Yes yes I know. What are their names?"
"I have no idea, didn't ask. But their names are the last thing I'm gonna worry about! This will be the worst vacation ever!" I complained.
"Why are you so pessimistic? I bet you'll have one adventure after another, and you'll fall in love with one of those guys and..."
"Leesha, stop daydreaming please." I interrupted her, playing with the zip of my bag.
"Why? It's not that far from reality." She said indignantly.
"It is. Because I don't intend to waste my time on falling in love with someone who'll never fall in love with me, okay?" the boy's head twitched subtly. Wasn't he listening to music?
"Who said he'll never fall in love with you?" Leesha sounded provocative.
"Logic."
"Aha." She didn't sound convinced, more sarcastic, but I didn't care. "Well, we will see, right?" why were we even talking about hypothetical situations with people I've never even met before?
"Right."
"Okay Jee-Jee, let me know when you arrive."
"Don't call me Jee-Jee." I protested, not for the first time.
"Thank youuu, my dear."
"I haven't agreed yet!"
"I love you too!"
I had to laugh. "Salam, hayati."
"Salam, my love. Take care of yourself." Then the connection was cut. I hope I won't have to hear this sentence anymore today.
I was just about to put the mobile into my bag, when it rang. This time it was Alia, Leesha's and my other best friend.
"Hey Ali!" I greeted her right after picking up and crossed my legs trying not to annoy the stranger with the headphones.
"Jenna, hey. Was afraid you're already on the plane!"
I smiled. "Not yet. But boarding is in about.." I looked up at the display. "..7 minutes Inshaallah."
"Well, so we'll keep it short. I only wanted to wish you a pleasant flight, and don't forget us losers here in Egypt while you're in the city of lights, okay?"
"Paris is the city of lights, Alia." I laughed.
"Ummmm, never mind. In any way it'll be much cooler than here."
"Thank you, Ali. Will miss you all."
"We too, believe me."
My heart was filled with love for my friends. I already began to feel homesick although I haven't even entered the plane yet!
As our phone call ended, I checked it to see if I got any messages from Kasatt. But nothing. The display changed into 'BOARDING NOW' so I turned my phone off angrily.
The way from the building wasn't long and I enjoyed every inch of it. My last steps on Egyptian ground..
Soon, I climbed up the stairs to the plane, shaking off any unhappiness or bad thoughts. A cute chubby stewardess with short, blonde hair and a warm smile greeted me and I greeted her back shyly. After throwing a look on my boarding card, I searched for seat 7a. The aisle was very narrow and hectic so it took me a while to reach my place. When I finally did, I tried to put the laptop bag into the locker over my seat, but no way. I was too short.
"Can I help you?" asked a female voice behind me. I turned around and saw a beautiful blonde girl of about my age.
"Umm, I'm not sure if we can do it." My cheeks turned red. How awkward.
"Let's try!" she said and not even a minute later the laptop bag was at its place.
"Wow, thanks!" I said smiling widely.
"You are welcome." She smiled back.
I grabbed my handbag and sat down on my seat. A few seconds later, the blonde girl sat down next to me.
I looked up at her.
"It just had to be." She just said smiling and shrugged her shoulders. "My name is Emily, by the way."
And the journey begins.