Title: Rock the Miles Away
Author: MonicaPrelooker
Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9
This year seems to be the year of returning customers! I know I always say it, but I absolutely love it when people come back to me for a review. It means that I didn't scare them, and it also gives me the opportunity to see them from. In this case, it's a bit different – it's less about seeing MonicaPrelooker grow as a writer, but see how her characters and storylines have grown over time. She's one of my favourite authors on this platform, and I highly recommend her stories to everyone!
This review is also very special for me because:
- MonicaPrelooker first asked me for a review back when we were at our first review store.
- She asked me to review a second story for her, which was published in Sapphire's Review Store 2.0.
- And now, she's asked for one more review, which is now being published in Sapphire's Review Store 3.0.
Thank you so much for being a brilliant storyteller, and thank you so much for asking me for another review! Since I've already reviewed the first 75 chapters, I'll be focusing more heavily on chapters 76 – 165.
Summary: 5/5
Same as last time, I'm not going to judge this summary because it's not a traditional summary with characters, conflicts, and stakes. But it's still as captivating ever, and whoa – is that a quotation by me I see there? Amazing. I've changed my mind. I'm scoring this section. Full marks.
Grammar: 4/5
Your grammar, as always, is clean and polished for the most part. In fact, whenever I did find errors, I found that they weren't really grammatically incorrect, but just awkwardly phrased. Let's go through some examples, shall we?
The Cultural Centre had some interesting expositions they meant to check on together, a couple of bands were getting ready to play at different corners of the park.
I had to read that above example a few times to work out why it was bugging me, and then it hit me. It's a comma splice. Both clauses are independent clauses, and should be separated into individual sentences.
Another thing I noted was question marks. I can understand authors not using question marks at the end of questions to show a flat or dry tone of voice, but there were some examples from the book that didn't quite sit well with me because they were lacking a question mark. Some of these include:
Because how could she ever process not only the way Jim had been to her, but also his words.
Why would he be using the microphone if he was playing alone.
They just sounded a bit awkward and clunky without the question mark, because they didn't seem too insistently sarcastic or flat.
There were not twenty anymore, not even thirty.
I think you were talking about age here. Consider:
They were not twenty anymore, not even thirty.
Another:
Jim was glad to see Silvia shook her head when he tried to help her in the kitchen.
Depending on how that above sentence is read, it still could be considered correct. However, personally, it just felt so strange to read. To smoothen it up, consider:
Jim was glad to see Silvia shake her head when he tried to help her in the kitchen.
Also, okay, this next one is a weird one for me:
"I ain't used to be the one that stays behind."
"Well, I'm not used to be the one leaving."
I think that it may have been a purposeful language thing since it is dialogue, but the 'be' just stuck out like a sore thumb to me. Then again, maybe it's because, on my side of the world, I haven't heard someone speak like that so I could just be having a culture shock. But, personally, I'd prefer the 'be' to be 'being' – however, that's just me being picky. You don't have to worry about this if that's how you'd like the characters to present themselves.
Even Paola was coming, despite it was Sunday ...
Again, it was just awkward to read because of the way 'despite' was used. Consider:
Even Paola was coming, despite it being Sunday...
And finally:
Against all odds, Mika liked her new job and was a quick learner, so every day they got some spare time at the office, for her to tell Silvia about her year in Buenos Aires.
For me, that sentence doesn't quite seem cohesive. Maybe replace the 'for her to tell' with 'she told'? It just doesn't quite sit right with me for now.
Characterisation: 5/5
Easily, for me, the highlight of your story is your characters.
Silvia is so sweet – and honestly, relatable, with the way she couldn't believe that Jim would love her so much and not knowing how to cope with it. I felt so awful for her with how upset she was when she saw that girl, well, giving Jim a good time. But what I love most is that she's shown to have a heart of gold through her actions – it really shone after the accident, with the way she snuck food to the band, and the way she and that incredible nurse helped Jo see Sean.
Better yet, she has flaws. She has her insecurities, and the side characters play an important role in teaching her how to grow and develop as a person. But I just loved how she still chose to be independent and not drop everything for Jim, even though he suggested doing exactly that. She wants to travel to places on her own, and she wants to have a job and some work. It's fantastic.
I've mentioned side characters already, so I'll talk about them briefly here. I love how protective Miyen is (poor Jim was attacked at first, with the alien invasion comparison!). Sean is absolutely fantastic, even if he can be ruthless and honest at times. But he's the one who showed Jim that, well, he pushed too hard and pretended nothing happened.
I love, love, love Paola for calling out Silvia and telling her that she's not scared of Jim's "dark side", but she's scared of loving it. The way she seamlessly brought up the past about resigning her dreams to look after the kids just out of high school was a fantastic moment for Silvia and for the reader to really understand where our protagonist was coming from and why things were so complex for her. Great work!
And then, there's Jim. Poor thing was a little heartsick puppy for a while – absentminded, doing things but not really doing things. I like that he grows more considerate over time, coming to LA for her, and doing subtle things, like forgetting to give the cameras that mandatory minute just because he's watching her. It was very touching to see him grow; he stops getting turned on by new bodies, and rather, loves the familiarity that Silvia brings.
In other words, love the development. Love the characters. Love how real they are. Well done!
Writing Style: 4.5/5
You already know that I love your writing. It's just, wow. It's so amazing to see how you've adapted the writing to match thematically with the story. I love how poetically you write the intimate moments – like the example of washing away the traces of night.
Overall, the language employed is fantastic. I really enjoyed the emphasis of how important silence was, and how much it hurt when Silvia did give him nothing but silence for that one period of time. After all, silence for a musician? It's like tearing off a limb. But, then again, that could be me reading too far into a simple silent treatment.
So, I won't drag on and on, but I will say that there were some rather fleeting moments where you switched from showing to telling. While you didn't do it often and it's certainly alright to do it at times, there were a few instances where it made the writing feel a little tacky – or, at least, it just felt really awkward to read. For example:
"I mean it, you fool! He's here with his brother and Jo!" Silvia noticed her friend sounded pretty upset.
The narration that came after the dialogue bugged me so much, and I think it's because – and please don't take this the wrong way – it's something I'd usually read in a middle-grade story, where the emotion is spelled out for the reader. You did this very rarely, which made them stick out all the more to me. Consider showing to us how she sounded upset, and what helped Silvia notice that she sounded upset.
Plot + Originality: 4.5/5
Just as I was beginning to feel a bit worried that we had reached a happy ending around the middle of the book, you threw massive amount of important conflict that led to great characterisation. There's always the tension of one of them leaving (why are they both so awful at goodbyes, man, it hurts) and never seeing the other again. Then, as mentioned above, there's the girl who gave Jim a 'good time', and, of course, the accident.
So, to my relief, you kept the reader on their toes, which is fantastic. What I especially loved about this story is the layers of realism that was there – realistic hangovers, the reality of how hard it is to date a rockstar. That moment where Silvia spoke about wanting to date a real man? That was brilliant.
Overall, I love the way the story tied up. Mika got a good job that worked for her, Silvia and Jim can settle with not having to have a fight every time they are about to say goodbye because they're now in close proximity, no one was too surprised or distraught about Silvia leaving, and the band is doing better than ever. Also, I loved the ongoing gag of the coffee machines.
There were some moments that I just wished you stretched out that little bit more. One example that comes to mind is at the Cultural Centre, when Silvia is having that breath of fresh air with her friends. It felt quite significant to me, the way she described it, that I wish I had seen more dialogue and banter between them before Jim showed up. Or maybe that's just me wanting even more to read. Who knows?
OVERALL SCORE: 23/25
Overall, a very cute chicklit that shows the real grit about being a human in love, but also shows us some very heart-warming and fantastic character development. Just watch out for those moments of awkward phrasing, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps, and I'm sorry for the delay! I wrote 16 chapters on my calendar instead of 165 and realised which story it was a day too late. Oops!