Every thought is a battle
Every breath is a war
And I don't think I am winning anymore
🌌
JUNGKOOK
My eyes fluttered open softly to be met by the blinding color of the white sheets. I slowly removed them, feeling my nose clogged as hell. I sniffled, noticing that I had my shirt on despite remembering that I took it off before sleeping. The silence of my room disturbed me, and soon enough I got out of my room to go into the lobby.
"Hyung...?" I called out, only to be replied by the same quietness. I grabbed my phone from the nightstand before searching for some napkins, but instead, I found some pills on the side table. I quickly unlocked my phone, only to find out Jimin hyung's name on the top of the messaging list.
CHAT
8th September, 2021
지민이 형:
Left some pills on your side table. I insisted on waking you up but Yoongi hyung said that you needed sleep. Be careful, Kook. You had fever in the morning. Out for practice, will return in the afternoon. Drink some soup and keep yourself covered
Stop sleeping naked.
Received 8:23 am
You:
Why??? I'm completely fine I swear! You shouldn't have left me you could've just woken me up and I would've come with you why would you leave me behind, hyung???
Message deleted
I tched at my own text that I deleted, how I was whining like a little baby whose mother left him in the kindergarten class. I knew I was incorrigible, nobody could wake me up by the way I was sleeping. It's already 10. Besides, I am lying, of course. My nose is literally flowing like a river.
I rolled my eyes, quickly getting out of bed and brushing my teeth before grabbing the pills and dragging my feet to the kitchen, once again sniffling. Tears kept running from my eyes and I quickly gulped the medicine before going back to my bed, getting into the comfort of my bed. I wore the sheets like a shawl anyway, but I really didn't have the will to keep standing.
I closed my eyes, tried sleeping but it was almost close to impossible. I switched on the television and turned on the KBS channel. As usual, no BTS.
It pissed me off how we weren't there on the music shows because of the long curfew. It pissed me off how we were unable to prepare a new comeback.It pissed me off how I was lying in my bed while I should've been working hard with my hyungs right now. It pissed me off how I've gotten snot all over my face at the moment. It pissed me off how I don't have a hanky just because I thought it was cooler to not buy that old fashioned thing.
At this point in time, pretty much anything and everything was pissing me off. Nothing really made too much sense. I closed the TV and threw my head back on the headrest, shutting my eyes and just... thinking.
A few thoughts passed my mind, most of them influenced by how I had been unable to go to Busan for a while. My mother's first surgery had left her with a lifelong burden and the chest pain had gotten even worse. It pained me whenever I rang up her phone and her words were always the same, about how she did not think she would be able to go through the rest of the surgeries required to cure her heart.
Sometimes I wondered if all this was worth it. The fame, the hard work, the job and the life I had chosen. I felt powerless in moments like these. I felt trapped and weak when I thought about how I can't be with my family when it needs me. I loved what I did, but I wondered what it cost? When I thought of it, I realise had to compromise on a lot. But then again I received a lot, so why was I complaining?
In the end, I'm pathetic anyway.
Was I really at the point of life when I needed therapy to remind me about things I've already learned to live with? I've been in this environment ever since I was fifteen. It's been a while, and I know that. But I never hated where I was and what I was. I was just... tired.
My eyes shot open at a small 'ting' which is supposed to alarm me, but instead it felt something else. It felt like a ton of rods fell on my head and now it's paining as fuck. I shook my head fiercely as my face contorted, unable to understand the reason behind my brain perceiving a message alert in such manner.
I opened it nonetheless, but instead of the pining headache coming back, my expression changes when I see a familiar name on the texting app notification.
CHAT
8 September, 2021
Y/N:
Jungkook-ssi? Is Jimin there?
Received 11:05 am
You:
No.
Sent 11:05 am
I frowned once again, the fact irritating me a bit that she asked for Jimin as soon as she contacted me by herself for the first time. I looked at my blunt reply and quickly tried to make it a bit more polite.
You:
Hyung's out for practice. I'm home alone
Sent 11:06 am
Y/N:
Umm.... may I ask why?
Received 11:06 am
You:
I'm sick 😔
Sent 11:06 am
Y/N:
Am I supposed to get concerned?
Received 11:06am
You:
Of course, Y/N! What if I got the corona virus???!!!
Sent 11:06 am
I chuckled at my own reply, wondering what her reaction would be. I was probably just sounding like a whiny kid at this point, but it was fun to see how she was actually starting to get worried.
Y/N:
😒
Received 11:07 am
Y/N:
Gives me more reasons to stay away
Received 11:07 am
You:
Ouch
Sent 11:07 am
You:
Thanks for asking, though. Nice to see someone get concerned ;D
Sent 11:07 am
Y/N:
I'm not gonna say that I want to come over and bring some starbucks with subway for you.
Received 11:07 am
You:
Sure. You can skip the 'saying' part and just do it right away
Sent 11:08 am
🌌
A/N
This kook guy fishhyyyyyy
and depressed😔
Be yourself
-DiamondMaknae ❤